<p>Different kids...my oldest went to school nearby. We rarely spoke but saw him except when he came home. He's on his own now and it's the same -- he's the kind of guy whom you almost need a reason to call. Otherwise he's like, "Why are you calling?" My daughter goes to school across the country. She usually calls every day. She just likes to touch base. She's the kind who needs no reason to chat. I don't expect my next kid (a boy) to do that because he's not really a phone person. I expect that of all my kids, my daughter is the one who will talk with us the most throughout life -- you often hear of girls who talk to their mom a lot. It has nothing to do with college per se -- just some kids stay in touch more. I know middle-aged adults who lead successful lives and call their parents almost daily. I also know sons-in-laws who do that -- they like their inlaws and call to say hi. There's no right or wrong in my opinion. My dad, led a successful and full life and he called his mother every day. It took him two minutes to do and I'm sure it gave her great pleasure.</p>
<p>A post from a non-parent may not be welcome here, but I thought I'd post my observation, and my opinion.</p>
<p>On my campus, students invariably walk to and from classes with cell phones pasted to their ears. I am not eavesdropping (I've got more pressing things to think about), but it is difficult <em>not</em> to overhear that they are often talking to their mothers, or (less often, it seems) to friends.</p>
<p>I know times have changed, but I still wonder whether these "between class" chats are a good thing. Back in the day, walking between classes was a time to for me speak to classmates about readings, assignments, plans for the evening. </p>
<p>It was also a time, on very many fondly-recalled occasions, to continue (alone or in a group) academic discussions with my professors. Because of the ubiquity of cell phones, this aspect of the college experience has all but disappeared. And I view this as a profound loss for my students, and for myself.</p>
<p>When I was in school, I talked to my parents every two to three weeks. I usually initiated contact, but if my parents hadn't heard from me for at least two weeks it was just a matter of time before I got a call from them to make sure everything was ok. Many times my response to their calls was "I'm really, really busy with something due Wednesday, can I call you after I wake up thursday and we'll talk?" This non-system seemed to work out pretty well, as they didn't feel like they were banned from calling me, but I didn't really feel like they were hassling me either.</p>
<p>I know a man who goes crazy if he doesn't chat to his son everyday.</p>
<p>I like the example of the man who called his mother every day, even if for 2 minutes. I began to do the same when in my 40's. </p>
<p>I wish my S would call more, but he doesn't. E-mail works better, but I get the outline, not any details.</p>
<p>Professor X</p>
<p>Nice to hear that you like that kind of after-class discussion with students. I know my son has enjoyed this in hs and expect he will in college also. I often think that cell phones, while a wonderful tool, can be a distraction or escape from one's current surroundings. It's hard enough to "be here now" without them.</p>
<p>Professor X, I've been in your position, too, so I well know that walking between classes isn't the only time and place you have for the kinds of discussions you refer to. More to the point, the age of cell phones is also the age of e-mail which allows for more constant and, in some ways, intellectually close contact between students and professors than was likely when I was in the university classroom. (Exactly that has been my son's experience.) So open your eyes and see what the new possibilities are instead of seeing only how the way the people choose to stay in touch with home affects what you've always done. Maybe everyone will end up better off.</p>
<p>I am a professor and a parent. I never want to go back, only forward. My students st5ll linger and talk to me between classes.</p>
<p>Sometimes when too many cell phones ring during class (I don't make an issue of it, sometimes it's mine, oops!) I have everyone play his cell ring. We make a symphony of cells. It's quite charming. Students feel naughty, which is fun for them. I never feel naughty, which is fun for me. No one tries to talk during class, but texting, that's another story. I just politely ask them to put phones down. They smile; they do. </p>
<p>My only autocratic move is that I don't allow them to use phones etc. before class starts. My rule is, once they're in the classroom it's a community because I want them to relate to each other, even if I'm not there yet. Only disgruntled customer was elderly senior observer who was furious! that I wouldn't allow her to read the newspaper while we waited for A-V to fix a machinery glitch. She never forgave me, though I did try and was as sweet as pie. She gave me hate looks for the rest of the semester, but it was Shakespeare and she wanted to show off. I could have asked her to leave because she wasn't a paying customer (nor receiving a grade -- hence rudeness), but I felt sorry for her and kept smiling.</p>
<p>Moral: High tech, low tech, young, old: we can't legislate manners. Darn. But we can try. Yeah!</p>
<p>I love technology. Especially right now. I'm in bed with my lap top. I love the connection the cell phone gives me with my kid. </p>
<p>Can anyone guess our ring tones?</p>
<p>I'm not a parent, but I guess I'll share my piece. :P I talk to my mom nearly daily, though during the school year sometimes every few days with a brief IM in between. She generally calls about 5 times a day but knows that I won't answer unless I feel like it, so the general ratio of me picking up is low. I often use my mom as a sort of "ipod" when going somewhere or waiting for someone. I call her just to talk and so I don't look dumb waiting for someone on a street corner with nothing to do. She doesn't mind.</p>
<p>It has gotten excessive lately though. I'm dating a guy who lives across the city from me and I've been occasionally spending weekends there, which is obviously something I'm not going to tell my parents. My mom called Friday and asked what I was doing, so I told her I was at Javier's and that I'd be going home soon (which was a white lie). Since I didn't call her to say I got home safely, she just assumed I was dead. I planned to call her Sunday afternoon once I was back at my sublet, but when I got there, the Cambridge police were at my door. My parents had called the cops and said I was a missing person. Of course my roommate didn't know where I was since we don't really speak, so it was just a whole bad situation. I didn't talk to my parents for 42 hours and they assumed I was dead? Ridiculous. Now they want my roommate's phone number, my boyfriend's phone number, my boss's phone number, and a few friends who I see or talk to regularly. They're not getting it.</p>
<p>I suppose I can see where the concern lies- my parents are in Georgia, I'm subletting an apartment Boston for the first time. That's scary for them. I just don't know how to wean them off of the daily phone calls if they're so paranoid that I'm going to end up dead on the walk back from my apartment. My mom also still talks to her mom (who splits the year in NH and Florida) almost daily, and until my great aunt passed away last year, she talked to her daily as well.</p>
<p>My daughter lives in NYC. I had to adopt a "no news is good news" policy, but sometimes I do worry. I have found this the WORST time to a a phone call. Feel free to have your parents PM me.</p>
<p>My daughter would tell me if she were going to be staying at boyfriend's. Maybe this is the sticking point. Though I wouldn't mind. Would think it perfectly normal for nineteen-year-old.</p>
<p>I have a S and a D....totally different communication patterns.</p>
<p>With both, we tend not to call them, mostly because their schedules are so bizarre that we'd never call at the right time anyway. We have a standing policy of the once-a-week "yes, I'm still alive" phone call. However, S has had several times he didn't actually call us. We do occasional emails which from D are usually newsy and funny. S's are cryptic--he's much less interested in sharing info with us.</p>
<p>The crisis-type calls are enormously different...my personal favorite was when she called very freaked-out about some massive roaches they discovered in their apt. S's tend to be REAL emergencies, unfortunately.</p>
<p>I also think that D wants to share more because she seems to be enjoying a much richer level of success at college (emotionally, academically) than S, who has struggled more with everything and doesn't much want to talk about any of it.</p>
<p>SilverClover, unfortunately, I can understand your parents' worries. Young people are vulnerable in a big city. You have to assure them that you're careful where you go/when you go out....</p>
<p>Well, this was an entertaining read. I just scrolled thru most of the responses. Gee, I must be a negligent parent, but for my first 5, I just didn't pay attention because I had the 2 youngest at home and young! We talked maybe once a year? Perhaps once every 5 months is more accurate.
Now that #6 is going to boarding school, I think I need to change some things. I have picked up that Sunday afternoon seems to be about right for most of you, and so I will start that habit. Thanks for all the comments, they were helpful to me.
Oh, Silver Clover, I had to laugh. I did the exact same thing to my DAUGHTER. She was in college in Lousiana at the time of the serial killer mess (Derrick Todd Lee). I didn't hear from her because she fell asleep and slept 20 hours (I think she was crashing from a test, yes, that's what she said). She awoke to the campus police knocking on her door, I was convinced she was abducted. She was quite upset at me, naturally.
I wonder how many other hysterical mothers have done this! I thought I was the only one.</p>
<p>I wonder how many other hysterical mothers have done this! I thought I was the only one.</p>
<p>Ive told this story before-although it isn't mine= it is "a friend"</p>
<p>Anyway- a friend of my D, took time off after high school, and was teaching on a small island in Micronesia for several years. It was so small, he had to go to a neighboring island to use a telegraph.
This area was also having storms- typhoons actually, that damaged the residents ability to get food and other supplies.
The mom was concerned naturally- as in best of times, she didn't hear a lot from her son, and this didn't make him more communicative.
Picking up the phone didn't do any good, couldn't send him email and letters didn't work.
However- she had an ace in her pocket.
Through researching and writing an earlier project she had come to befriend a active navy Admiral who commanded an aircraft carrier who was going to be in that area.
She contacted him, and he personally instructed her son to * call his mother*!</p>
<p>son was very embarrased- but I bet he got the message!</p>
<p>Freshman year, D insisted that she be the one to call and it seemed to be once a week, sometimes only every 10 days or so. Once she called, the calls would last 45 min to an hour each time. Often, she called late at night our time, even later on the east coast. Now that she is home for the summer, so much more mature and self confident in all ways, she tells me she hopes we will call her whenever we want to talk (within reason) but at least weekly is great! I am a happy mom!</p>
<p>"I like the example of the man who called his mother every day, even if for 2 minutes."</p>
<p>Seems excessive to me unless the son or his mom is ill or otherwise impaired.</p>
<p>S #2 will be heading to college this Aug. I hope to hear from him once a week. More would be nice, several times a day or an hour a day would be excessive, making me concerned about how well he was socializing and adjusting there.</p>
<p>I'll greatly miss him while also feeling that college is a time for him to stretch his wings and begin getting on with his life as an independent adult.</p>
<p>Right now, I'm about 7,000 miles away from S, who is home alone while H and I are in Hong Kong. I send him a daily e-mail update and have asked him to do the same.</p>
<p>I don't see how usually talking to a parent for a few minutes a day is "excessive". My 50 year old mother still talks to her mom every day, most of the time for an hour at a time. Neither my mother nor my grandmother is ill. Is that excessive? :P </p>
<p>I think REQUIRING your child to talk to you once a day is excessive, but if both parties don't mind it, then what's the problem? When I talk to my mom, it's as much of a vent session for her as it is for me. While it bothers me that she thinks I'm dead if I don't contact her for 42 hours, I don't mind calling daily or every other day because sometimes it's just nice to rant to someone who won't judge you. She complains about work, I complain about work and school. She complains about my brother, I complain about my roommate. It's very healthy. :P </p>
<p>As a child, I'm just shocked that some parents think it's excessive to call more than once a week. Makes me wonder how often they talk to their own parents... I would feel as if my parents didn't love me or care about what was going on in my life if they only wanted to talk once a week or longer. O.o And I'm a very independent person. The once a week calls are to grandparents- parents deserve more than that.</p>
<p>I think cultural differences sometimes operate here, at least familial if not broader ethnic differences. I am from a Jewish background and my first husband is from a very WASP-y background and the families had very different ideas on many issues including appropriate emotional distance.</p>
<p>My D and I talk to each other becausd we share interests and love to have someoone to share these arcane interests with. For instance, she called me from the Columbus Circle Barnes and Noble to discuss Rilke translations. (She is not a Comp. Lit. or German major so I am the only one who would want to pursue this with her.)</p>
<p>As a true child of the sixties I am also more open-minded than her friends who tend to have much more conventional responses. As I've stated earlier, these phone calls, though frequent, are brief, and are mutually delightful. Most end with a quick "bye Mom." It's understood thaat she may exit the conversation at a secon's notice. I don't mind.</p>
<p>We did speak much less frequently her first year when she was establishing her independenc. That was okay, too.</p>
<p>I call my mother almost every day because she's 83 and lives alone. I don't necessarily always enjoy this, but it does provide her with needed contact.</p>
<p>SilverCloud: I understand your problem perfectly. Parents do have to understand that there are many reasons calls may not be returned and that we have to master our anxiety. Still, maybe a quick, "I AM OK" text mess. would do the trick.</p>
<p>When my son left for college last year, we didn't really make any type of arrangement for keeping in contact. He usually called about every three days or so for a quick chat, and sometimes more often if there was something we needed to discuss. If I called him, I always asked if he had a moment, or if he'd like to call back. We talked briefly, almost daily, by I.M. Often times, nothing more than a hello, and I normally didn't initiate the contact, unless there was something in particular I wanted to discuss with him.</p>
<p>I also think what mythmom said about allowing that the s/d may have to exit the conversation quickly is important. I never wanted my son to feel uncomfortable if he had to run. I really think that helped keep our lines of communication open.</p>
<p>Email with mother: basically every day--sometimes several times a day--depending on what the emails are about and what our schedules are (if we're both at computers all day, we email more). Emails range from a line or two to a rambling paragraph, rarely more. I'll mention something I'm doing that night (while glossing it over ;)), my grade on a paper, frustration with something or another, etc. </p>
<p>Email with father: during football season about weekly about sports, otherwise maybe once or twice a month (again, usually about sports, sometimes branching out into politics or interesting trees)</p>
<p>Phone: every few days, sometimes a very quick "checking in" call and sometimes longer</p>
<p>I initiate all phone calls unless I haven't called in several days, in which case my mom usually calls to check in. I normally call while walking to or from class or while waiting somewhere for a friend.</p>