HOW to ask girls out in college???(New Edition)

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>Wolfstarslacher: He probably didn't get the e-mail. E-mail is a very unreliable form of communication (as my recent experience--read above--stated). So, don't worry about it until you have to, and give him another e-mail to make sure he got the first one, explaining that you've been having trouble with your e-mails getting through.<br>
Userjjb: Yeah, this thread rocks doesn't it? Very much a soap opera ;)</p>

<p>So, update on my love life-- I GOT CLARITY. This guy actually had enough nerve to plainly say "I want to date you". YES! Then I think I scared him by thanking him profusely for being so clear about it. LOL. But you all know my issue with being clear about intentions. And he was. Then when I plainly said that I would like to date him also, we both started grinning like idiots--which lasted a half hour (you can only grin like an idiot for so long). We spent the whole night dancing, and tonight he's taking me to a movie. hehehe, I'm still smiling...</p>

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<p>Aww, that is so sweet! Good luck!</p>

<p>Oh and thanks for the advice, he has mail from his university, so I was thinking they may have deleted me as spam or something.</p>

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<p>Haha, email has screwed me over a couple times.. I don't depend on it as much anymore</p>

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<p>"I want to date you."</p>

<p>What? Who is this guy!? Superman?</p>

<p>A tip: If you want to...progress...in the relationship, invite him over to watch Dirty Dancing. It never fails. And in your case, it is very appropriate.</p>

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<p>Told u he like u. lol. Glad to hear that he finally clarify.</p>

<p>Wow, my thread is so popular.</p>

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<p>That's because it's a topic of some interest to people.</p>

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<p>OK an update...</p>

<p>Well I got my time machine in a way I guess, the girl, we'll call her Anne for the sake of confidentiallity, IMed me and asked if we could hang out and watch the game together, and she also invited me to a play on Thurs. So I went to pick her up and much to my happiness she was even prettier than in her pictures.</p>

<p>Things went okay, we hung out in my dorm and watched the game, but I was more interested in her than the game. Things became a little less tense and we talked and joked around. She jokingly took my Rubik's cube and wouldn't give it back so we had a sort of flirtatious wrestling match, which gave me a good vibe.</p>

<p>I dropped her off at her car and opened the door for her. And this is where everyone will go "oh man!". I lost my nerve for the goodnight kiss (which she had hinted at wanting). I was a deer in the headlights for about 15 seconds and then I asked her if I could kiss her goodnight, and she said yes. The kiss was nice (at least on my side), not a peck, but not porn tongue. But God did I feel like an idiot....</p>

<p>Here's where things get even more dramatic. I talked to her friend online afterwards and she told me not to worry about the kiss. However, she said that Anne is flirtatious and dates alot, so if she stays interested in me for a couple weeks that means she really likes me.</p>

<p>So, I don't want to get hurt, but at the same time I feel like she likes me, and I like her. I'm not sure what to do. If I don't make an emotional investment things won't go anywhere, but if I do, I might get hurt. And being hurt again is the last thing I want.</p>

<p>We'll just have to see how things pan out I guess...</p>

<p>Wishing everyone else a less stressful love-life...</p>

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<p>Boy, I hear ya on the emotional investment thing! It's tough! And I don't think there is a "less stressful love-life"-- doesn't work that way unfortunately. :( Don't worry about the kiss, she'll probably think it's really sweet that you asked. Just don't ask again ;) hehehe.</p>

<p>And yeah, Aim78, this guy is a superman. That was a gutsy move, and he's shy. That's why it meant so much that he got up the nerve to be so clear. And I actually suggested watching Dirty Dancing sometime-- especially since he hasn't seen it (he's only lived in this country 4 years, so he has an excuse). I didn't know that movie had the power to "progress" the relationship though! Good to know ;)</p>

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<p>this has been a great thread! Some of the advice to women has been to flirt with guys to let them know they are interested. This is good advice, but ladies, I have to let you in on a secret. While you may be acting in ways that make every other woman in the room roll her eyes and think "can she be any more obvious, the sad fact is that its probably missed completely by the guys!</p>

<p>Yes, guys are that clueless. All that stuff, the "accidental" touch or brushing, feigning interest in things you could care less about, laughing at dumb comments like they actually were funny -- you name it, and guys miss it. Trust me, you just can't be to obvious to a guy.</p>

<p>Part of it is socialization. Girls are adept at reading social cues and have been practicing doing this practically since they could talk. They can chart the social network of friendships and enemies at their school down to a T. Boys, they play sports. If a boy is mad at another boy, he lets him know, usually with his fist. This isn't the training you'd want for interpreting subtle expressions and gestures.</p>

<p>And since this thread has been part confessional, I have to give my own best "clueless" story. Sophomore year I was at a party and ended up hanging out with some people I casually knew, one girl having a friend from out of town up visiting. This friend was interested in me, I could tell that after a slow dance and a few kisses. The dance ends and we go to someone's apt. for a few extra drinks and to talk. Nite gets late and I'm going to go home. The girl walks to the kitchen to tallk to her friend and I hear her saying "we're meeting at X for breakfast tomorrow, he'll know where it is". Do I catch on? No. Then the girl insists on driving me home even though I live 3 blocks away and could easily walk. Do I catch on now? No. So she drives me home, I get a long kiss goodnite and one no doubt thoroughly letdown girl drives away. The next morning I wake up and finally figure out what was going on. Doh!!</p>

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<p>Very insightful and perceptive comments, and you are right on. You wouldn't happen to be a psych major would you? Or do you just watch a lot of Oprah? --Just kidding ;) </p>

<p>Ok, my current crisis: (hehehe, it never ends does it) I spent the whole weekend, from Friday to Monday hanging out with/going on dates with this guy (the dancer), and last night he asked me how I wanted to be introduced to his friends-- "This is my date"... or...
Basically wanting to know where our relationship is and how to label it. Probably probing to see if I want to be called "girlfriend". Does this also imply exclusivity? We've only been dating for 4 days really, and I'm not ready to commit myself so soon-- as much as I like him. I get this feeling that he does want exclusivity however, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, or make him doubt my feelings for him, by telling him I want to be able to see other guys. It's too soon for me to commit to anything.</p>

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<p>Be frank, tell him to introduce you as a friend or date and that's it's just too soon to take on the exclusive title of girlfriend. Make sure you also explain how much you like being with him so he doesn't think you are just blowing him off.</p>

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<p>anglophileLV, thanks for the compliments. As to your current dilemma, I think you've answered it already. You say "I'm not ready to commit myself so soon" more than once, and that's you're answer. He should introduce you as his date. Nothing wrong with that, and you already know its too soon to be an exclusive committed couple. </p>

<p>Frankly, I'd be a bit concerned about a guy that wants to introduce you after 4 days as a gf and hopes for exclusivity so soon; that seems a touch needy and desperate. Maybe he's none of this things, but these are the types of behavior that can send potential SO's running. Its certainly true that sometimes people meet and its almost like there's a magic spark, they've met their soulmate, etc, but all too often the flame burns brightly but alas not for long. It was infatuation, not love.</p>

<p>One other thing -- guys seem to place more value in things they have to work to get. Maybe its the shallowness our our sex, but if a guy meets a girl at and a party and they sleep together that nite he probably has less interest in future romance (as opposed to future sex) than if he meets a girl and after a nite of trying his best to charm her ends up with a quick kiss on the lips and a phone number. The first girl is a story he tells his friends. That's just the way it works. So you can build a stronger and longer-lasting relationship if you take the time to work thru the steps from just-getting-acquainted to exclusive-couple, plus its fun along the way! The journey can be as enjoyable as the destination.</p>

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<p>I notice all of the signals. It's my gift. My curse.</p>

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<p>Welshie, right on. That's exactly what I'm going to do. :)
Wcoast_man, you are very right. I do need to just say "I'm not ready to commit so soon". He's not desperate, but shows definite signs of infatuation. And I whole heartedly agree with taking everything slow, for all the reasons you mentioned-- the journey is the best part, and I don't want to miss it. Sometimes he seems to want to skip ahead a few months, and go straight to steady couple... Where do you think the line is drawn between making the guy "work", but still showing how much I like him? I wonder if I didn't make him worry about winning me--enough. Which sounds cruel, but I'm just trying to figure out male psychology. btw, I'm certainly not leaping into bed with him-- just to make that clear. Well, as a very wise girl I knew once said: The woman is always in control! And fellas, you'd better not doubt it ;)</p>

<p>aim78, you crack me up :D</p>

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<p>Call him up for a few dates. Whenever a girl takes the initiative/guts to call me up and make a date, I feel pretty good about the relationship, even if nothing is "official."</p>

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<p>Wow, I have had so much work the past few days I haven't been able to read since Anglophile was getting ready to be asked out by the "Superman"!! Congrats!! I'm very excited for you! And I agree with Welshie, if you call up to make some plans, it will confirm to him that the relationship is a good one and that you want to have a part in it-not just relying on him to make the plans. As far as the commitment thing goes, just tell him if he is taking things too fast, by don't be stern about it. tell him exactly what you said in your post, about the journey being the best part and how you don't want to miss it. Let me just say that my heart melted when I read it, I thought it was a very sweet thing to say, so I can't imagine what he would say, but I guarantee you he would take it to heart and make an effort to make this journey a meaningful experience for the two of you. Keep us updated and have a great time!!</p>

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<p>AnglophileLW asks "Where do you think the line is drawn ..." Well, that's a tough question!! Everyone is different, and what one guy may think is a girl rejecting him another welcomes as a challenge. </p>

<p>But even though I can't give specific rules, I think I can give a few principles that let you draw your own rules. First, listen to your gut feelings. If something feels wrong or weird, it probably is. For example, in an earlier post you felt like he was trying to rush things along too fast. I think you already knew the answer, maybe just wanted some confirmation it was the right answer. As for physical intimacy, again go at a pace that is comfortable with you. I didn't mean to suggest you were sleeping together in my earlier answer, btw, I just wanted to give 2 extremes in the illustration. </p>

<p>Second, don't make a SO the centerpoint of your life. You sometimes see people who just can't seem to say no; they drop their plans when the SO suggests an activity, they go along with things they don't want to do, etc. If you have plans with other people in your dorm or whatever, well, sometimes you're just busy when the guy calls. You shouldn't always rearrange your life to suit the other person, and you should still be making plans to do things with other people without automatically assuming you have to invite him too. I'm not saying never compromise or don't try new things, I'm just saying extremes aren't good. </p>

<p>And when you write'"I wonder if I didn't make him worry about winning me", au contraire!! Where is it written he has won you? You're interested, to be sure, but after 4 days how much can you really know? What are his friends like, what are his hobbies, what about his parents, what pets did he grow up with, what does he dream of doing in life, where would he like to live after college (and even next year!), what books does he like to read, is he religious, what are his morals and ethical standards, how is his sense of humor, how clean does he keep his place, does he have an interest in travel and if so where, can he share his personal thoughts and feelings, is he defensive or easily hurt by criticism, and on and on and on. There is so much left to discover about each other, some things that will be pleasant surprises but some that are perhaps less welcome. Maybe even a deal-breaker. There are different levels of compatibility you need for an acquaintance you maybe do homework with, a casual friend you get together with sometimes, a close friend, someone you date casually, someone you make a SO, and so on. Only you can decide what matters, but that is what makes the journey so interesting and unique. After 4 days things may be off to a good start, but don't let him think the chase is over either! Getting to know someone is a bit like peeling layers off an onion, and he ain't out of the kitchen yet...</p>

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<p>Last night I went to the Swing dancing class-- and of course "the guy" (names have been omitted to protect the innocent) was there, and very happy to see me :) Afterwards he offered to drive me to my dorm, and surprised me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers! I melted, I'll admit it. And then he asked if he could introduce me to his friends as his girlfriend. I literally couldn't say no... didn't really want to say no, I suppose. So, now it's official. I can't adequately describe how strange it is to think of someone as a "boyfriend". Much less myself as a "girlfriend". The labels are foreign to me, and the strangeness hasn't worn off. </p>

<p>All I am sure of is that he is sweet, considerate (even encourages me to study rather than go out with him, if I need to), and I feel unreasonably happy and cheerful when I'm around him. However, I am still resolved to get to know him slowly and thoroughly before trusting him with a deep emotional investment. Peeling an onion is an excellent metaphor to use, and I've only discovered the first few layers. And it <em>should</em> take time-- that's the fun part. </p>

<p>Wcoast_man, you're right-- I spoke too soon about "winning me", and did not intend to sound that absolute. And I have no intention of reconfiguring the revolutions of my universe to be around him-- one of the things I like about this relationship is that we both have very definite goals (I need a 4.0gpa, and study abroad at Oxford-- and he has a very important test coming up). I am very conscious of maintaining my objectivity and actively looking (though not to the point of cynicism) for "deal breakers". So far, so good-- and that in itself is amazing.</p>

<p>Welshie-- that's a good idea. I'll give it a try. This weekend I'm going to a Halloween party to meet his friends (evidently they're all very interested in meeting me!).</p>

<p>Blackferrari-- You're post just makes me smile :) Yes, taking things slow is best. Like dancing Tango... it's important to savor the moment.</p>

<p>Wcoast_man-- Seriously, are you a psychologist? Marriage counselor? 50yr old man with remarkable insight? Whatever the case, your advice is impressive. Hehehe, I like "but don't let him think the chase is over either". I hope I'll be able to keep the chase going for a good long time. :D</p>

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<p>Wow... good for you APLV.</p>

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<p>Dear men,</p>

<p>Stop being intimidated by me and/or gay.</p>

<p>That is all,</p>

<p>Thank you.</p>