@TheParentLurker And there are so many kids in that class from SoCal! Is she in Wall? Mine is.
Isn’t every college list a fantasy list? Don’t students apply to schools in hope they get a scholarships, too? USC was one of those schools for her. She didn’t receive any scholarships, but when she received her acceptance offer they gave her a very generous grant. The grant brought her in the area where she could take a private loan. Ultimately she made the wise decision.
I’m positive she’s aware that all the schools which accepted her are no longer an option. If she’s not, she will definitely be told if that conversation is ever had.
You’re 100% correct that she has yet to have any academic challenges. The good thing about all of this, and I’m surprised I didn’t mention it earlier, is that she’s been looking at the classes the school has to offer and finding a lot of “cool” classes that she can take next semester (if offered). She was bummed that class was cancelled on Tuesday, already loves one class, and another is “boring”. I haven’t asked her about her other classes as it hasn’t come up. But she’s going and doing homework already, which is all a positive thing.
She needs to maintain a 2.70 in order to continue getting the scholarship from Tulane.
@NoVADad99 She’s in Monroe, although I wish she was in Wall. Monroe being the “party” dorm, I didn’t really think it would fit her. But…her decision.
I love that Tulane only requires a 2.7 to keep the scholarship. Takes a lot of the pressure off.
Sure does. Another reason why my daughter chose Tulane is because it seemed the school “wanted her more”.
Mine was the same. They really pursued him even though he didn’t really express any interest. I’m glad it worked out.
@NoVADad99 my son in in Wall too!
USC was never a realistic choice financially. That is WAY too much debt for any college student to consider. I would not mention transferring at all, or entertain any discussion of it until winter break. If she ends up wanting to talk about it then, it has to be someplace realistic financially (not much different than Tulane).
Simply say “If you want to apply to transfer, that is fine.” Have her make a list of schools and deadlines. Most are early in the new year (2018). But tell her she has to fill out the applications, ask for letters of recommendations, etc. My D was not happy freshman year. We said “If you want to transfer, fine.” I think it’s liberating for them to know that it’s an option, though most don’t go through with it. Ours made a list, sent some test scores, but never got around to asking for letters or writing new essays. Just knowing you will support transferring if that’s what she wants can be liberating. (We kinda viewed it as calling her bluff). Of course, there may be $$$ issue with transferring. Those need to be taken into account, too. Also, just because she gets in somewhere as a transfer doesn’t mean she has to go. By then, she might be perfectly happy where she is. I know the phone calls, texts, etc. are heartbreaking. Just know you are not alone and as others have pointed out you’re pretty much a “safe” dumping ground. Book her trip home for Thanksgiving. Another thing to discuss/dangle/look into is study abroad possibly sophomore year. Having that option as something to look forward to might make things more palatable.
Funny story to lighten the mood -including mine - sick with a cold and bored on a holiday weekend. My D had a pretty normal transition. Some anxiety. No I LOVE it. But it seemed OK. She was a bit nervous for the long Labor Day weekend and not having anything planned. I remember being a tad worried. Some time during the weekend she called and was pretty happy and had stayed up late in a male RAs single room talking. They had really clicked. And the best thing … he has a motorcycle!!! She sent me a picture of a good looking MAN with a beard on a motorcycle! So now I had other things to worry about (trust me my D had not had a lot of boy friend experience so…yea that was fun). A few weeks later I never heard about him again as she started to find her people. Be careful what you wish for…bc soon she may be having the time of her life.
@Parentlurker , I have no great advice for your D. But take care of yourself. Using myself as a focus group of one, even very rational people who have some perspective on the foibles of their offspring can quickly become undone when their kids are miserable. It can feel like co-dependent and parent are synonyms! If you can, try to give yourself some space from it when you’re not in touch with her. All that worrying can be corrosive to your soul.
Funny now but not then…at one point last year my D was upset because she was used to eating the same thing for lunch everyday and now there were different foods in the dining halls everyday. That was overwhelming to her. Fast forward to the end of the summer-she couldn’t wait to get back to the dining halls where she has lots of choices.
@TheParentLurker If you want to look at Part 1, paradigms and principles Inside Out:
https://www.depts.ttu.edu/upwardbound/books/the-7-habits-ofhighly-effective-people.pdf
Basically you treat your child as though they are capable and do not need your protection. Your daughter will figure this out. I wouldn’t bring up transferring. Let her figure it out on her own. She can do it. Just be there to listen. Don’t solve her problems for her. Give her the space to struggle or even fail because she is a capable person. Focus on bringing positives into your own life. Take a new class. Go somewhere new. Talk about your own life to your daughter. Maybe she will model her life after your positive choices.
Seriously none of us can advise you, clearly- we all have different opinions and experiences- and different kids!
There are ALWAYS options. One of mine came home the first month of sophomore year, for complicated reasons, and has made it work her way, and yes, including a stint at community college followed by enrollment at a 4 year that was better for her.
UC’s and CSU’s are great schools…
I have read that 1/3 of kids are ready for college academically, 1/3 socially and 1/3 neither!! Going that far away really is hard for some- like jumping off a cliff instead of rolling down a hill or adjustment.
Things may be rocky for a bit. Chances are are she will be fine. People seem to love Tulane and NOLA too. But it IS a big change.
For two of my kids, giving them an “out” (like you can leave after Christmas) really helps and with one it is counterproductive.
For one of my kids 10 calls a day is helpful to her, and to me. The others don’t call much at all. I wouldn’t cut any of them off or limit them during a tough transition like this.
You know your daughter. Follow your instincts. Many of us know that boulder in the gut feeling (I call it) when our kids are not happy. Things will improve one way or the other. Luckily I took up TaiChi and that helps a lot!
I agree that whether or when to give them an out depends on your kid. If you think it will take the pressure off to say she could consider working on transferring in the spring, then maybe suggest it in a few more weeks. I would try to act nonchalant about negative comments and experiences, with “Yeah that stinks” or “I know that’s hard” and maybe share that you had a similar experience back in the day. But then try to focus on positive things or the clubs in which she is interested. Remember to take care of yourself and try not to have her mood dictate your mood. Also, since you have struggled with depression, she has a genetic predisposition to it and some of her characteristics that you described would make it hard to adjust to a new social scene and college life even if she were back in CA. She may need to talk to a counselor or RA at some point and should be trying to do things that will help her mood (exercise, get enough rest, force herself to get out of her room). Ultimately, she will need to learn what self-care strategies are best for her and whether her approach to relationships will work for her long-term. Those are hard lessons and typically take several years to figure out (lots of trial and error).
I know it’s so hard. I’m having a lot of worries these days too. My freshman daughter is so far away and trying to adjust as well. She apparently brought to college the graduation letter I wrote her and yesterday she texted “I read the letter you wrote me and cried. I miss home”. That’s like a punch in the gut. I’m just trying to stay calm and fortunately there are other positive texts. Later in the day she said she will audition for a musical and today she is headed to the activities fair. I really do think your D made the right choice and will be happy with it in the end. The struggles could be really good for her and hopefully she will be happier soon. Weather should get better in another month too.
OP, your child sounds a lot like mine! My cynical, sarcastic introvert is in Wall, in a triple that put her in a panic before school even started. She is working through it. The biggest difference is this is my third kid, and second anxious daughter, to head to college, and I’m handling my own emotions much better! It helps enormously that we have talked openly about her sister’s tough adjustment to college. It really took D1 a year (and a transfer acceptance in hand back to our state flagship) before she really started feeling at home, and she is very glad she stayed.
Like others have mentioned, you may be getting dumped on for all of her negative feelings. I get all of the negative snap chats (a picture of the Riverboat with " I’m regretting the decision to go on this already"), but her sister gets snaps of her with a group of girls, and out for late night dessert after the cruise, so I know the true picture is a least it bit more positive than what she presents to me. Keep communication open and neutral (the cynics can sense false positivity), and BRIEF, and let her work through it. If she will go, consider contacting a therapist near campus so she has a neutral ear to vent to. And encourage her to join at least two things - she can always drop one later as she gets more comfortable just being on campus.
My last one transferred. Cost him a semester but contrary to popular belief he got a very nice merit based scholarship and the course curriculum was a better fit. I stayed totally out of the process even through sad phone calls. He loved his original college social life but was unhappy with the academic side. I advocate for listening but leaving the actual transfer up to the kids…they will need to confront exactly where their dissatisfaction is coming from and what they are willing give up to fix the situation. Unless there is a huge negative financial difference I don’t think college kids need to ask for permission either. People make decision mistakes all the time or make decisions for the wrong reason especially high school seniors.
I was talking to my brother yesterday about a friend who just started college. He is a top athlete so has a built in group of friends, coaches and administrators doing everything they can to make this school work, and this kid is still struggling in the first few weeks. I commented to my brother that is it hard for all kids and my brother admitted that he cried when my mother dropped him off at his big school. He was missing his girl friend (still in hs), his friends, his dog.
It’s hard for everyone.
Most of us, unless we moved to a new place, has never been thrown into a situation where we have to start from complete scratch in building a new community of friends and acquaintances before starting at a residential college. And even if we have moved prior to 18, we did so with family and had that core support to fall back on. Starting college is stressful because it brings so much change without having much support to fall back on except for what is at a distance.
I’m a big believer in giving the situation a semester at minimum, and ideally a year.
Another thing to consider (though it is early to make the call) is the possibility of an underlying depressive/anxiety disorder, especially given your personal history. My 2016 daughter finally tried an antidepressant this summer, and wow, she is loving the start of school this year, with enthusiasm she never had the entire freshman year. Not something to take lightly, but it could be an issue.