How to deal with a generally toxic roommate?

Student Lounge College Life
1

Sorry, this is so long. My parents and my cousin have been helping me deal with this but I feel like I need advice from people who aren’t biased towards me. I’ve been thinking really critically about myself as a person and I just don’t think I am that bad a roommate.
My roommate claims I am a bad and inconsiderate roommate. She has been gossiping about me to others on our hall and in our building. We’ve had some issues that somehow destroyed our four week friendship instantly (basically I wouldn’t instantly do what she wanted and move the fridge near my head (it wasn’t near her head or mine and still isn’t because I wouldn’t move it, that minifridge is LOUD and she goes in it to get her kefir in the morning) and she threw a tantrum, literally a tantrum, there was whining involved. Because of fridge placement and not wanting to be able to see the microwave clock (microwave on top of fridge) in the dark from her bed). Anyways, she keeps going to the RA about me and thinks it’s a secret, except the RA lives two doors down and I can HEAR her bc the door is open. We had a mediation about the fridge two weeks ago and she agreed to the mediation but wouldn’t schedule it. She just silent treatmented me until I finally broke and tried to schedule my own meeting to get the RA to force a meeting with her, and found that she had already scheduled a “conflict resolution tips” meeting with the RA, to talk about me and our conflict. I think she was trying to get the RA “on her side”, although I did feel a bit paranoid at the time. It didn’t go well and now every day is full of her being chilly towards me. All her friends in the hall are weird towards me. She acts like I keep doing terrible things to her every day and blames me for stuff she does of her own free will. Like she opened her own thing of dish soap and I told her she could just keep using the communal soap because it was meant to be shared, and she said she only got her own so she wouldn’t bother me by taking mine because she knew I didn’t like it (we made lists of who would bring what before we moved in, and she used the soap until the mediation). That was two days ago and she still uses her own soap. She moved her rug so it was only under her bed because she “didn’t want me to keep tripping on it because she knows I don’t like her rug”. I have never tripped on her rug and literally don’t care where it is. I have never said a word about it. She started using her keurig (she has a keurig I have a real coffeemaker because I drink a lottt of coffee) to make her easy mac and oatmeal because, as i heard her tell the ra, “i won’t let her use my microwave”. We share the microwave, even if I brought it and the fridge. I did that because she is from 4 states over and I live two hours away and we agreed it was best. I have never said she can’t use the microwave or implied it at all. I barely even talk to her since the mediation because I can’t stand to be in the room, so it’s not like I could have given her that idea. I feel like she is trying to villainize me so she can make me move out, because everything she does seems coordinated to make me seem irrational and bullying when really she is. I don’t feel safe in our room with all these bad vibes going around. I can feel her hating me whenever we are both there. I just want to get along harmoniously at this point (i don’t need this kind of “friend” in my life) and I don’t know what to do. The RA hasn’t said anything to me so I think she hasn’t been fooled by roommate, and I don’t think roommate will ever choose to leave because she wants to date this guy on the fourth floor and we both have friends in the hall.

My flaws are that I stay up late (1-3 am most nights), but I indicated this on the housing survey. I only use my desk lamp and the overheads always go off for my roommate when she goes to bed around 12. I am very quiet, like so quiet that the people next door are louder than I am. I also have pretty loud alarms because I am a deep sleeper, but i basically jolt up and turn them off within 30 seconds of them going off. This is happening at 7-7:30 am, which i don’t think is terribly early, especially when I have class at 8:30. I have a lot of stuff and my roommate is more of a minimalist, so she has very little. We have a triple with a bathroom but it’s just us two girls so there is enough space for all of my stuff, which does not crowd her stuff because she doesn’t have much. It’s all stacked and packed in my half of the room, so it’s dense, but it doesn’t encroach on her or anything. I always offer to let her use anything she wants–my printer, my fans, my cooking materials etc–she never does anymore, but I always offer. I make coffee when I wake up, but on my late class days so does she, and I just ignore it and drift back to sleep because it would be unreasonable for me to ask her not to have coffee. She doesn’t like nudity in the same room as her (she is not religious or politically conservative and does team sports and changes in locker rooms and spends a lot of time at the beach in bikinis, so this feels very inconsistent but whatever) and wants me to change in the bathroom, but I think that’s unreasonable. I change facing my bed and under a bathrobe (mostly, the most she could see is my bare back or MAYBE my bare butt if I wore a dress because that’s hard under the bathrobe) and I told her that she was being unreasonable to ask me to change in the bathroom during mediation and the RA agreed. I clean the bathroom and take the trash out most of the time and vacuum and mop and generally am pretty okay. I’m not perfect but I feel so uncomfortable around her. I don’t want to move because I like my hall and packing up all my stuff would be a pain, plus I would end up in a smaller room, probably with a hall bath because all the suites in freshman housing are full. I want to deal with her like an adult and emotionally disengage but it is hard. Not liking my “home” is so odd to me because I’ve always been a homebody, but now I can barely sleep in the bed, much less relax. I know I can be a better roommate, but I don’t know how and I honestly don’t think I am that bad. I’m sorry for the incoherency this is just stressing me out I see all these other roommate being friends and I know that won’t happen anymore but I at least want to feel relaxed in my room.

2

I’m not seeing where you have scheduled time with the RA. I think you need to talk to the RA. But be clear about what you want when you do it.

3

This is JMHO but as I read this I see girls who need to grow into women.

In short, every single item on this list is trivial. The two of you need to figure it out. People have lost loved ones today, got a cancer diagnosis, found out they won’t graduate high school or get into college at all, have become homeless today and on and on and on. The two of you need to find a perspective and grow up. You asked.

4

You have wisely come to a place for objective insight. You are right that your conflict is basically worldview, and therefore difficult for you each to understand the other.

In a nutshell, you see the benefit of possessions, she does not. The good news is you are both lucky to have so much space, each can have it her own way.

The problem now is the large space isn’t evenly divided. You have lots of stuff, she hardly has any; and stuff has a tendency to fill any void, including empty areas that are reasonably hers.

If she’s a minimalist, she’s entitled to it. You like things, so keep them in your own area. That’s what her fridge objection is about. I doubt she had veto power when you moved all those objects into the room. “Sharing” the unwanted equipment has been used as an excuse for taking over.

My free advice FWIW is 1.) Divide the room straight down the middle and all your stuff is on your side only. 2.) If the refrigerator is equally wanted by you both, agree it can be the sole item in shared space between you. If the fridge is not equally wanted, then she doesn’t use it and it goes on your side. 3.) Put duct tape over the microwave clock, the light bothers her. Appliance lights can be too darned bright, and to her it’s another invasion. 4.) Buy a cheap Japanese-style freestanding screen you can change behind or string a curtain. However, I think once you relinquish space to her more fairly, she will be less bothered by your presence, including your nudity. 5.) Recognize that you are both privileged to have a multiverse of knowledge so close at hand in college and set your focus higher.

5

I agree with the above. And I do not think it’s reasonable for you to keep your lights on unitl 1 am and later when your roomie goes to bed at midnight on school nights. So what if you indicated that you go to sleep at 1-3 am? That doesn’t mean “I said I am doing this, so tough if she doesn’t like it.” You are not compromising. Sleep is critical. Going to bed at midnight is late enough, and it is not fair to expect anyone to go to sleep with lights still on. Get a clip on light and use it if you want to read or something once she goes to bed.

You may not think you are that bad, and it sounds as though your roommate is being a little petty-minded too, but I have to say that I wouldn’t be thrilled with the situation. The stuff about the rug? Well, she is probably trying to make a point. As far as changing, well, you are entitled to change in your room and she will just have to accept that. Talk with the RA about this and maybe the RA can tell her it’s not unreasonable.

If I were you, I would just swallow my pride, and say “I am sorry we got off to a bad start. I am going to keep my stuff on my side and tun out the lights earlier. I hope we can at least be more comfortable in our shared space.”

6

I disagree with the previous posters who say you’re being as inconsiderate as she is. She’s lying about you to the RA – that’s weird no matter how you slice it.

7

@mauvepen I don’t understand the moving to frig issue. why does she want it moved? Is the microwave clock a blue light. Is it interfering with her sleep? Can you just cover it? Is she having sleep issues? And finally, would you consider moving in with a roommate with a more similar sleep pattern?

8

I agree with bodangles above. If she is lying about you to the RA and trying to sabotage you to other students in the hall then that is the definition of toxic and goes way beyond petty squabbles going on in the room. She has taken it to a new level. Her saying she needs to make food in her keurig because you have denied her the microwave is particularly troubling because it does not just involve a different perspective, it is outright making up a fact. Also the things with the rug and the soap are passive-aggressive, and the reaction to the fridge is irrational when the simple solution is just to put tape over the clock. So you are not being paranoid or oversensitive. I think you should consider the possibility that this girl has emotional problems that preexisted her relationship with you. Continue to seek out help from the RA to apprise her of the status of the situation and to let her know it’s ongoing. That being said - unfortunately the situation is what it is and part of being an adult is dealing with difficult people, who you will always encounter as coworkers, neighbors, etc. throughout your life. I sympathize with you because I realize it’s harder when you have to live with someone, but you do have to continue to try to build a bridge with her. Put the tape over the clock. Use a clip light after midnight instead of your desk light (I know you said the overhead light is off at midnight, but its possible the desk light is still too bright). I’m confused by the commenter who felt it could be your high amount of stuff, because you clearly said in your post that although you have a lot, it is all crammed onto your half of the room already. As long as that’s true, then you are entitled to have what you want in the room. Also I think it’s highly doubtful that she did not want a fridge and micro in the room, especially since you discussed it before you moved in, so I don’t see you bringing those things as infringing on her space or trying to take over the room.

9

“. It (the mediation) didn’t go well and now every day is full of her being chilly towards me.”
“she never does anymore,”–use your stuff.

So why didn’t the mediation go well? What happened?

And a tantrum over the microwave clock is a bit over the top–but that can’t be the whole story I think. Too easy a fix to just cover the light. Those blue lights are more irritating than regular lighting.
Is the fridge too loud for her on her side? You don’t want it at your head because of that–maybe it bothers her too.
Not liking nudity is her problem–it’s your room to change in–she can leave if it bothers her so much. And it sounds like you are trying to accommodate her on that count anyway.
Is your light on so late a problem? You glossed over that pretty quickly.

Take a bit of time and go sit on HER side of the room on the bed and take a good OBJECTIVE look at what she has to look at every day. What do you see? You say your side is “dense”. Is it TOO dense? YOU don’t see it–you look towards a relatively uncluttered side of the room.
Turn on your desk lamp–lay down on the bed–what are you staring at?
And…
You’ve offered her to use your stuff but keep everything on your side? Hard to get to or use (so basically an empty offer)? Maybe splitting the room down the middle is NOT the way to arrange things. Maybe better distribution of items meant to be used by the two of you would be “homier” and more friendly–(here’s OUR frig, OUR microwave, OUR printer, OUR coffee maker, OUR fan…OUR rug…)

Think about it–if you think it may make a difference just tell her. “Hey roomie, I’ve thought about it and perhaps we need to re-arrange the room a bit to make it easier for both of us to call this home for the next year.”
And good luck!

10

Do what I did, if you can. Buy out your roommate, and she can move off-campus.

I had late hours, and my rooommate had early hours. She put on the lights and opened the shades at 7 am, I was usually sleeping until 9 am or more, if I could. I was very quiet at night and kept the lights very low.

I basically had to ask her to leave, and paid out her contract to do so.

IMHO, if there is not an issue of violence, all meetings should be with you, your roommate, and your RA. There should be NO meetings with only your RA and your roommate. Usually there is a person above the RA, like a hall supervisor or staff member. That is who you should go to if your RA isn’t letting you into the meetings.

As for changing in front of another person, ew, gross. Some people just do not want to see other naked people they aren’t personally involved with. Give it up, change in the bathroom or at least give her a warning when you need to change. That’s common decency. Just because people have played sports doesn’t mean they need to accept public nudity.

It does sound petty all around, but I think her talking about you to the RA without you is completely unacceptable, and you should review your student housing rules to see if that is even allowed. It actually doesn’t matter if you or her are the “guilty party” or both are - you don’t go trying to solve roommate issues one-sided unless, again, there is violence.

11

Public nudity?? Changing in your own room?? Good grief.

12

Many colleges do not have dorms in which there is a separate bathroom for just a few people. In both the dorms my kid has lived in, changing in a bathroom would mean going down the hall with all her stuff to change, which is ridiculous. If the roommate doesn’t want to see another girl getting undressed, she can look at the wall for two minutes. It is entirely appropriate for any student to change their clothing in their own room.

13

You have a right to change your clothes in your dorm room and to not have to go to the bathroom to change. If your roommate changing her clothes in the bathroom? If no, then that’s a stupid request on her part. Even if she isn’t changing her clothes in the bathroom, it’s still a stupid and unreasonable request.

Re: the microwave -
Easiest way to solve that problem? Get rid of the microwave. I’m serious. You should consider it if there is a communal microwave down the hall like in a shared dorm kitchen or something like that. No microwave in the room anymore? Then no more complaints from her about the microwave.

That’s an extreme solution to the microwave problem, though.

Some people are light sleepers. Some people are just drama queens sometimes about their sleeping environment. Re: the microwave light…your roommate could use a sleep mask and that would solve any invasive/disturbing light problems completely. But let’s be honest here - your roommate is a drama queen and she’s not going to use a sleep mask. So cover the microwave clock with tape or something or get rid of the microwave.

Re: having your desk light on every night from 1-3 am -
Again, your roommate could use a sleep mask, but she isn’t likely to do that. I agree w/the suggestion to get a clip light. Or study down the hall in a communal study room during those wee hours of the night.

Your roommate is being childish. I mean, she’s fighting over dish soap, for pete’s sake.

But you both are being stupid with each other…not even speaking to each other? Figure out a way to be able to live in the room together or live with the situation as is or ask for a room change. Or move out to an off campus apartment. Those are your likely options at the moment.

I don’t understand how your roommate being mad at you would turn into you not feeling safe in your dorm room…unless she has physically threatened you or she’s stealing your stuff.

14

Thanks to everyone for the good insight. Sorry this is going to be very long, I have been adding stuff in between class and at lunch etc since 7 am. I wrote the post pretty distressed and exhausted last night so I am sorry it’s a little incoherent. I am trying to stay out of the room and focus on my classes, clubs, and friends but I want to do what I can to improve. I guess overall I will start using the clip lamp and continue studying in the library more, as well as try to go to bed earlier, and I will just be very friendly and not engage her when she makes up lies about me. I know she is an only child and homesick (she is much farther from home than I am) and I am trying to be sympathetic because this is a much bigger adjustment for her than me (I have shared a bedroom and lived 2 hours away).

@intparent I never scheduled time with the RA, I tried to make a joint appointment with my roommate two weeks ago, and roommate would never give me a time, so I finally went to go to the RA to ask her to help us make a mediation appointment, only to find roommate already there with the RA in her own appointment.

@Empireapple I agree that this is full of petty, ridiculous problems.

@IvyGrad09 We actually have a literal line of tape down the middle on the floor. She put it there on move-in day before I came, and the only thing that was ever across it was her rug. My side actually is smaller (the wall folds in weirdly to accommodate the bathroom so you can tell), but there was enough room for all my stuff so I didn’t want to rock the boat. The fridge, microwave, and bathroom door are on my side, the regular door is on hers. She uses and wants the fridge, we agreed when we met online that I would bring the appliances since she lives so far away. About the screen, I feel like that’s not reasonable. She doesn’t have to look at me and I already change under a robe for her, which also goes to @rhandco. I am willing to compromise on a lot, but the changing is just not one of those things. I tell her when I’m going to change and I use a robe to cover myself. There is no naked parading or anything. If I can accommodate her by getting a new lamp and trying to go to bed earlier, she can accommodate me by looking away when I change clothes.

@Lindagaf The overhead light goes off when she goes to bed. I have a desk lamp with a dimmer switch and I put it at the lowest setting once she has gone to bed. That’s also the lamp I use since I wake up before her in the morning most days. @waitingmomla it is a pretty dim lamp and ever since she spoke to me I’ve been using the dimmest setting and studying in the library so it’s not on unless I’m changing or doing last minute reading after her bed time, but I did order a night light clip on amazon to improve the light situation.

She also can’t see my lamp from her bed @gouf78 because she has “canopy” (she got a loft but uses it over her bed like a storage thing so she is basically on a bottom bunk wh a curtain). I guess she can see my “clutter” but what can I do? I have a lot of stuff. It’s organized in plastic units and shelves and I don’t leave things lying around. She doesn’t want any of our stuff to “touch” (hence the tape line) but before the mediation she used to just come over and use it and I didn’t mind. Now I would probably mind more, because of the way she acts towards me, but I am willing to share because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

As for the mediation, it started poorly because of the deception. She had told the RA I was not seeking mediation and was bullying her so when I showed up emotional and saying I really wanted to work stuff out, she looked like a liar and she got pissed. It didn’t go well because she said I was selfish not to move the fridge, the RA said it was in an okay place considering the noise it makes and its distance from the beds and it was on my side of the tape and suggested covering the clock (which we did), and she got upset and said I was inconsiderate beyond this and she brought out the changing issue. I could tell she expected the changing issue to be a huge “trump card” of me being a bad roommate, but instead the RA said as long as I was changing modestly and told her in advance it was not reasonable to expect me to change in the bathroom. She actually didn’t bring up the lamp/light issue with the RA–she just started lying about me, saying that I played music at 1 am from a speaker (I don’t and I don’t have a speaker) and that I had stolen her pepperoni pizza (I am a vegetarian and the RA knows it because of hall dinners etc). I apologized for making her feel uncomfortable and said that once we taped over the microwave light I could also use my lamp even dimmer if light was her issue. She then acted like she had brought up the lamp issue and said I was too bright and I promised to make it dimmer which I have done since. After the mediation the moment the RA left our room she refused to speak to me and when I put tape over the clock she took it off in front of me and put on new tape “so the edges line up”. Then she left and it’s been awful ever since.

@gearmom she wanted to put the fridge from the middle of the room just over the tape line to under my loft so she could push over her wardrobe and have room to make a beanbag corner. Right now her beanbag is next to her bed but she wanted to make a beanbag corner since her friend in the hall has one. This is of course not a good reason, so she also said the microwave clock light has been bothering her at night. This is a fair reason to move ir , I guess, but she has a huge bright alarm clock and fairy lights all around her bed and also privacy curtains around her mattress so I didn’t really believe her. I didn’t want to put it under my loft because she goes in there every morning for her food and some of those mornings I’m sleeping. Also, I have all my storage under my loft and would have to move it somewhere else to fit the fridge.

15

I get the refrigerator issue because those small refrigerators are LOUD when you are trying to sleep.
Find a different place for it that you can BOTH agree upon.

Who cares about what she says about you? Next year, you and she are out. (She’s sowing her whiny attitude and no one will want to room with her the following year.)

All you can do is say: I’m really flattered that you think SO much of me that I’m in every conversation of yours.

Both of you need to grow up. The RA is sick of both of you.
Living with a college roommate is not always cordial. But you do need to tolerate it if NEITHER of you is willing to move.

16

Wow - your roommate put a tape on the floor diving the room in 2 before you even moved in? That explains a lot. She’s unreasonable, a drama queen, dishonest, and a special snowflake.

Here’s what tends to happen in the long run with people like her - eventually, other people will figure out that she’s mean, dishonest, backstabbing, and will throw people under the bus if it benefits her. And when that happens, she will lose those friends.

So she thinks you’re a jerk. So what? People who really know you will know that her claims and accusations are not true. Maybe she wants to be Queen Bee in your dorm…trying to ostracize you from everyone else there. Eventually, she will move on to someone else. If you’re lucky, she will complain loudly enough to her parents and she’ll move into a single.

Don’t say to her “I’m really flattered that you think so much of me that I’m in every conversation of yours.” That is passive aggressive and it’s just going to feed into her drama. A comment like that will back fire on you.

You could also consider getting rid of the fridge. Then the fridge problem is really solved. If she wants a fridge, then she can order one online and have it delivered to the dorm. That’s kind of extreme, though, if you currently use the fridge and if you find that having a fridge in the room is convenient.

If you haven’t done so already, have a private meeting with your RA about this to get her input and advice about next steps. The goal at this point should be to figure out a roommate agreement that you can both live with. It’s clear that you’re not going to be friends.

17

Yes, you can go to the RA but be aware that the RA will become sick of both of you. Just keep being friendly to the other people in the dorm and they will eventually know that your roommate a drama queen.

Thirty seconds is about 25 seconds too long to hear a loud alarm!

18

You can still go to the RA and ask for a joint meeting. Just because your roommate met with her doesn’t block you from engaging.

19

You actually HAVE tape on your floor? I’d laugh but I know that isn’t funny. Haven’t seen that since I was five years old and fighting with my sister! You let her get away with it? Take a couple pix.

She sounds more like the spoiled brat who wants her own room and doesn’t want to share.

I doubt it has anything to do with you–she’d be doing it to anybody. You just won the lottery.

Her first plan of going behind your back with the RA bombed much to her dismay so now her new tactic is to freeze you out by not speaking. Another 5 y/o type tactic. Effective on those who care–which shouldn’t be you.
Freezing you out seems to be working because you aren’t in your room as much which isn’t fair to you.

Options:

  1. Put up with her and stay out of the room trying to avoid her. Not pleasant. But doable depending on time length.
    She’ll probably just have more “demands” until you can’t take it.

  2. Grow a backbone. Pull up the tape ( it really doesn’t make a good “fashion statement”) , tell her nicely with a smile to grow up, get over it and you aren’t going anywhere. Put the move option in her court. Spend MORE time in your room. Invite your friends over. Reclaim your space… Smile and speak to her, be nice as always. This requires an attitude adjustment on your part that it is HER not you. Sometimes it’s actually fun to “kill someone with kindness”.

  3. Switch rooms with someone. Another gamble of sorts–you never know who you’ll get unless you pick out the roomie yourself. Maybe semester break may yield a bit of wiggle room in the housing. Yeah, you’d have to move your stuff which is a pain but the piece of mind is worth it.

    You can always do a bit of scouting on your own–maybe her friend with the beanbag chair corner wouldn’t mind rooming with her. Maybe someone in your classes wants a change too. Make sure the RA knows you are NOT “a bully” and do try to be accommodating (RA probably knows it and is tired of your roommate but don’t get blindsided).

20

I agree, the tape down the middle of the room before you arrived says everything you need to know. That reinforces my initial impression that this girl may indeed have mental issues that are unrelated to you. I would start to keep a log in your computer of encounters with her that are particularly weird – not every little thing or you will drive yourself crazy. That way if you need to make the case to move into a single or change roommates within the dorm, you will have concrete examples of what your experience with her has been. I disagree with those who feel this is common petty stuff that most people have to live with. While it is true that all roommates experience adjustments, this girl sounds particularly difficult. It seems like she wants to rule the roost in the room and in her mind you stood in the way of her beanbag corner and now she is going to “punish” you for it. That’s the most likely explanation for the radical shift in the relationship all because you refused to put the fridge in the middle of the room. You are doing nothing wrong by having “stuff” on your side of the room, and you’re doing nothing wrong by changing in the room. If you are willing to go to the library more and use the smaller light, then you are being reasonable enough. Just lean on your parents and friends, rise above it, and people will eventually see who she is and who you are. And hopefully in time her anger will alleviate and she will be more tolerable - if not ideal - to live with.