<p>“I love you too much to argue”. That’s what they are telling us parents to say.</p>
<p>Please be kind to yourself – and know that this may be the most stressful year of your entire life. Things are likely to get better after April – not perfect, but much better. </p>
<p>You are being abused IMHO. I hope you will read “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward. It’s an older book but it is full of compassionate tips for how you get yourself off the roller coaster. </p>
<p>Your parents are of the opinion that you should listen to them. They are unlikely to hear much of what you have to say – but they might “hear” the exact same thing when it is coming from another adult they respect. See if you can get an uncle, grandmother, or some other person they respect to drop some advice in their ears. </p>
<p>You might also quietly say “Mom, I hate this yelling. It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes your face look ugly and very old and I don’t like to think of you that way. Could we please get some training on how to negotiate?” If she won’t go, then go yourself – many cities have free or nearly free family counseling or “peace negotiation” courses. </p>
<p>One of your challenges may be that your parents are getting a big adrenaline rush from bashing you (ahem, “helping” you). You need to find a way to de-personalize this (the way a nurse in a nursing home doesn’t take it personally if ancient granny gets angry or a dog trainer doesn’t take it personally if a frightened dog starts to snap). So don’t “engage” in the argument. Listen, say “OK, I will think about that” and then switch tasks (ie, don’t continue to work on the essay – switch over to something else that a "good kid " should do, like folding laundry). If parent continues to harangue, say “Look, you really don’t care about the essay. What you are enjoying is beating up on me and the applications are your ticket. You won’t stop when the applications are done – you are having too much fun being nasty to me.” Say this quietly and without drama. </p>
<p>Basically, try to change the “feedback” – if you won’t “play” by yelling, frowning, crying, and being dramatic, you might get a chance to change the game. Good luck. This is hard to do.</p>
<p>“A lot of my high school classmates, especially those from Asian, Jewish, or Eastern European backgrounds are still feeling the effects of their parents’ taking credit for their undergrad successes or conversely, parents’ being shamed by extended family members/community for having their kids “only” going to a lower-tiered college”</p>
<p>The point is to separate that which is under one’s control from that which is not. What his parents say about him in the future is not under the OP’s control. The degree to which their current and future statements upset and demoralize the OP is most certainly within his or her control.</p>
<p>Another vote here for letting your dad make the spreadsheet or finding the patience to make it with his guidance. He may know something that we don’t know about you organizational skills and/or attention to detail. Even if you are good at keeping track of all the many different pieces of all of your applications, it doesn’t hurt to have a second set of brain cells available to double-check this.</p>
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<p>Funny that parents never blame themsleves for the quality of the DNA that they handed down.</p>
<p>@happymomof1: I already made a similar spreadsheet earlier with an Ivy grad who’s giving me advice with college admissions. My dad wants me to make a new one, since he has to have everything go his way. </p>
<p>More updates: I talked with my mom again and she’s a little better now, although she’s still very stressed out and continues to constantly berate me about getting the apps done. Since I’m done with my essays, I’m planning on submitting in the next day or so, so hopefully that won’t be a problem anymore. </p>
<p>My dad’s being far far worse now, though. He has always been an egotistical control freak, and the college app process is making it 300% worse. Today, he got into a huge argument with my mom. Since he probably knew that my mom was right, he started to take his anger out on me. He ignored my mom’s comments and arguments and started yelling at me over stupid things like a shirt on the floor, a couple sheets of paper lying un-neatly on my desk, etc. He does this all the time, but this was the first time I fully understood the reason behind his episodes – to pretty much use me as a punching bag for anger (don’t worry though, it doesn’t get physical, probably because I’m bigger than him). Now I’m really starting to understand that his serious case of insecurity is probably the reason why he’s giving me all this crap. He hates being in a position that doesn’t allow him absolute control, since I’m the one filling out college apps, not him. I can’t imagine what the household will be like once I slip out of his control at last. </p>
<p>And completely off-topic, but I’ve finally understood that the “YOU MUST GO TO HARVARD!” logic that so many Asian parents embrace is just about bragging rights. Most Asian-American parents I know (including mine) didn’t go to prestigious universities like the Ivies, yet they’re still making a good living, aka well into six-figure salaries. So pretty much, they know that you don’t NEED to go to an Ivy league or similar-caliber school to succeed. Hell, my uncle in China didn’t even go to college and now he’s a multimillionaire, so my parents know well enough that you don’t need Harvard to succeed. </p>
<p>Yet why are Asian parents still so insistent on their kids going to HYPSM? Why do they think that it’s the end of the world if their kid doesn’t get into a top 10 school? My theory is that they feel the need to “keep up” with other Asian parents who are also pushing their kids to go to top schools; I’m sure they’ll feel ashamed and dishonored of having a kid who “only” goes to Rutgers when lots of Asian parents brag about their kid getting into Princeton. Basically, this whole Tiger Mom crap is just an elaborate ego-booster, so the parents can use their kid as a tool to earn themselves praise. Of course I’m just rambling, but that’s what I think. </p>
<p>Anyway, sorry for all the ranting to those who don’t care (but why enter this thread if you don’t?). I’m having the worst holiday break ever, after my Christmas and Christmas eve were ruined by nonstop arguing and resentment.</p>
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<p>Yep. You are doomed. I weep for your lost future. (j/k)</p>
<p>Fair warning – you won’t like this reply, I think.</p>
<p>If you are convinced your parents are all the many, many, detrimental things you have posted, I suggest you plan to finance your college education yourself. That gives you all the control and ability to choose what you want without regard to their input. If you are unable to do that, you have to accept that the price of college and a little more peace will be being a better listener. You seem pretty smug and confident about judging the people who raised you. Perhaps you would be having a better time if you were willing to compromise – not to make them happy, if that’s a problem for you, but to create more calm in your life, for yourself. </p>
<p>So have Dad make the spreadsheet. Rewrite the essay and let Mom compare the two. You are still free to say “I understand you are really stressed about all this. I’m willing to take the blame but I trust my teacher’s judgement and am going to submit this version”. The trick is to accept their opinions and input without being ruled by that. When you allow them to make you angry and judgemental in return, you are allowing them control. </p>
<p>And some perspective is in order. This “berating” about getting apps done is going on everywhere. Fathers get angry when they see clothes lying around and things in disarray – why? Because parents see this inability to take care of things responsibly as evidence that you are not ready to go out in the world. We are running around, going “wait! wait! I forgot to teach you________” as the College World pulls up to the door and honks the horn. It doesn’ t make us terrible people. It makes us human. </p>
<p>Not one, but three of S2’s classmates lost a parent this year. 3 boys at my school lost their single parent just yesterday. I do appreciate your parents sound unreasonable, but you don’t sound like a walk in the park either 
and I’d hazard a guess that your Christmas break could really be so much worse. Be well.</p>
<p>haha HYPSM. I feel for you kid, but if it is indeed Michigan, you probably should’ve applied early action non binding there.</p>
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<p>I think you are being unduly harsh here, especially considering the “advice” the OP has been receiving from the mother IS counterproductive judging by the conversations from my former post-college roommate and several friends/acquaintances who worked in the admissions offices or actually served as adcoms. </p>
<p>Putting in statements like “I love to read & study a lot” is a good way to get an adcom to roll his/her eyes, tune out, and send the app to the reject pile as it is something they’ve likely read thousands of times from the more clueless applicants or those influenced by clueless parents like the OP’s mother. </p>
<p>The fact the OP disclosed the mother has poor command of the English language also leads me to believe the OP’s parents have little/no awareness of the differences in college admissions requirements between what existed in their country of origin and here in the US of A. </p>
<p>Especially considering I am a first-generation Asian-American myself and attended high school with many classmates with such micromanaging, controlling immigrant/non-college attending parents without a real clue about the US college admissions process and yet…ignore advice from those more experienced with it…including an Ivy college graduate. </p>
<p>While you’re right that the OP may need to seem more compliant…actually having the OP complete an essay according to his parents wishes not only plays into their hands…but also discourages the OP from learning how not to be a compliant doormat just to get along…especially when the parents/authority figures ARE WRONG about something.</p>
<p>But I don’t mean the OP’s parents are correct in their assumptions. I mean that the OP seems, imho, really focused on snarky comments about the parents and seems bent on winning the battles rather than the war. I’m serious that the only way for him to have it all his way is to pay for college himself, and sometimes that’s necessary to assert independance. But it’s rarely a viable option, so what is he going to do? Argue and fight every single day between now and March? That doesn’t seem to be working. </p>
<p>If you enter the room with “right” and “wrong” as your parameters, then someone is bound to get mad pretty fast, and stay that way. If OP could find a way to think about “listening” and “responding” and “relating” I offer that up as an alternate way to find some peace and STILL stand his ground. I disagree that makes a person a doormat, I think it is a reality as life as an adult that we rarely get all we want or even need, and need to find creative ways to at least acknowledge (not necessarily acquiese to) other people’s concerns and input. I am making a big leap by assuming that if he writes a sample app essay per his mother’s complete wishes, she is smart enough to reach the inevitable conclusion that it is not a winning essay. But she might need to see it, to believe that, or at least to be mollified that he is not simply defying her for the sake of defying her. He could take it to a teacher and have them write comments, even. </p>
<p>He’s not going to get into every school, so sooner or later, the parents are going to have a conniption. I think OP needs to put some emotional space between himself and their concerns or continue to fight battles that cannot be won by either side except at great expense. Didn’t mean to be judgemental, just offering another pov.</p>
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<p>While that can be tried, there is no guarantee that it will work – if the other side will only accept the OP being a doormat as the price of peace, that will not be successful.</p>
<p>^^ absolutely. Agreed.</p>
<p>Re crazed immigrant parents focusing on HYPSM:</p>
<p>Many of these parents grew up in places where (and times when) high school graduation exam score X meant university admission, but X-1 meant being consigned to a low income job in your home village for life. Also, a score of X meant admission to University A which promised a mid-prestige and middle income job with a mid-range business, but a score of X+1 guaranteed admission to a better university which guaranteed better job options. Yes they’ve moved here and become successful in an environment where the game is completely different, but their hearts and minds have difficulty believing that. Even though they might try, it is almost impossible for them to believe that here an individual’s fate is not determined by the university he attends.</p>
<p>The is the parent form and cc is very pro-parent (over the top pro-parent sometimes - and I am a parent), but that doesn’t mean the OP doesn’t have a right to be upset and disappointed at the bad advice he is receiving and that it is being delivered in such a domineering fashion.</p>
<p>If you’ve never lived with a control freak, maybe you just can’t understand how upsetting a sudden, unwarranted ****storm over something idiotic like a shirt in the wrong place can be. </p>
<p>OP, I think you have the situation pegged. I hope having a sounding board here has helped a little.</p>
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<p>That’s truly horrible advice!</p>
<p>OP, what you’re doing is much better. Play it straight, confront the situation, and work it out. You’ll feel better about yourself, you’ll learn great life skills, and you’ll keep your self-respect by acting like an adult.</p>
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<p>Maybe, but I’ve also noticed that every mostly female relative who has acted in such a manner in my family has ended up becoming an effective doormat who has to give up their desires…or sometimes even the right to express their true opinions/ideas for the sake of their perception of “family peace”. </p>
<p>The costs to them were enormous…including being forced out of grad programs for prioritizing frequent frivolous weekend dinner parties thrown by their parents over their academic studies or always “agreeing” and complying with every request to the point relatives…including younger cousins with more backbone have little else but pity and sometimes even exasperation over the fact they can’t seem to assert their own points of view when it disagrees with others. </p>
<p>It is doubly dangerous in a world in which such overly agreeable people IME…tend to be taken great advantage of by others who have no compunctions about asserting their overbearing will on others. </p>
<p>And speaking for myself…I ended up in a position where I could effectively do what you’re suggesting to the OP thanks to a near-full ride scholarship to my LAC and having the skills to work some decent paying part-time/summer gigs in college. However, not every student can pull that off…especially considering the competition has stiffened since I attended college in the mid-late '90s. </p>
<p>The OP’s parents also need to consider whether they want to end up like the parents of some HS classmates who grew so fed up with the micromanaging/overbearing parental behaviors that they’ve minimized contact with or cut off all contact with their parents/families altogether for the sake of their own sanity. While some of those parents bemoan the lack of much/any contact…they only have themselves to blame for their present predicament.</p>
<p>Again I recommend “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward. She’s really good at laying out the lines of what is “too far” – and giving concrete steps one can take to drop a protective curtain around one’s heart so one stays sane. </p>
<p>I watch the Canadian news and there was recently a case in Canada where a traditional father actually murdered his three teen daughters because he felt they weren’t sufficiently respectful. Sometimes a person in control actually cranks up the misery when they think the object(s) of their control are about to break away. </p>
<p>OP, educate yourself about what other teens of your ethnicity are doing to survive. Learn about abusive relationships and how to navigate them. </p>
<p>This spring there was a lot of furor about the “Tiger Mom” Amy Chua
This very sad and yet powerful response is perhaps something for OP to share with parents:
[‘Tiger</a> Mothers’ leave lifelong scars - CNN](<a href=“http://articles.cnn.com/2011-01-20/opinion/lac.su.tiger.mother.scars_1_parenting-stupidity-daughters?_s=PM:OPINION]'Tiger”>http://articles.cnn.com/2011-01-20/opinion/lac.su.tiger.mother.scars_1_parenting-stupidity-daughters?_s=PM:OPINION)</p>
<p>Published Jan 20, 2011 by Lac Su “Tiger Moms leave Life long Scars”</p>
<p>Hang in there. I’m rooting for you.</p>
<p>I am sorry for your misery, smugness. I hope this unpleasantness is all over soon, that you get far away—wherever you may go, and don’t end up near your parents after college. Sounds like distance may be the best thing for your mental health. I don’t understand why parents would do this to their child, why they don’t realize this is wrong. God, I still agonize over the time I yelled at kid #2—16 years ago, and didn’t pick up kid #1 when after a temper tantrum–18 years ago. I can’t imagine treating my kids so terribly now, for any reason. People can rationalize it all they want, but it’s just wrong. Sometimes you just have to realize your parents are screwed up, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Just don’t do it to your own kiddos.</p>
<p>Re: the X versus X+1 score on university entrance exams…</p>
<p>The deeper meaning - and most worrisome - is that the whole process becomes finance driven (potential return) rather than abilities, skills, and interests driven. </p>
<p>Immigrant parents tend to socialize with other immigrants from the same countries, and invariably, social bonus points have to be scored, whether it’s a Lexus 450 vs 460 or SAT of 2300 vs 2340…</p>