How to Deal with the Stress of Living at Home?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hey parents...</p>

<p>I'm taking two summer classes and working 20 hrs/week until I go back to school in the Fall. The problem is, I'm starting to get really stressed out. At first it was easy to handle the work, especially when I could look forward to relaxing on the weekends. But my parents and I have been fighting constantly, and it has escalated to the point where now I have not spoken to my father in a month and have basically been on house arrest for that long. Being in such a constant state of tension with the folks is wearing on me, and it has been hard to see my friends, and even harder to see my girlfriend, who works full-time and lives about two hours away. Now I am behind in this second class and feel hopeless about salvaging my grade, on top of everything else...</p>

<p>What can I do to pull things back together for this last month?</p>

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<p>What happened such that you have not spoken to your father for a month?</p>

3

<p>Can you spend time studying at school, just to avoid being home?</p>

4

<p>Um, I don’t know anything about your situation (other than what you’ve stated, of course). I’m going to suggest that this is simply another one of those “rites of passage.” Happily, you’re still of an age where you can clear up interpersonal problems by saying “I’m sorry, I was a jerk.” (Yeah, that usually works even when you were behaving OK. Go figure.) As for the summer course, I’d say you have an opportunity to practice those dull adult behaviors called “prioritizing” and “focussing.” Good luck. You’ll be fine.</p>

5

<p>It is impossible to judge without knowing details. Whatever the reasons for your negative situation at home, it will sound too cliche but I bet it can be resolved if both sides are willing to discuss (without fighting!!!) the conditions under which your family (including you) living together in one house.
If family situation is not emotionally draining, 20 hours and 2 summer classes are very doable from my own experience. I worked full time (40 hours) and took 2 classes for many summers until I was done with my MBA - my job place was paying my tuition. I had family to take care of. I liked to take summer classes, they were easier with less people in a class, doing homework sitting by the pool, nice memories.</p>

6

<p>I feel for you but think you can probably salvage if you just start talking. It’s probably no consolation but amoung our friends with kids home from the summer from college we are having the very same conversation…along the lines of “can’t wait til they are back in school”…“driving us crazy”…“love them but they just disrupt the household dynamics”…“don’t know when they are coming and going”…“don’t know where they are half the time”… It does sound like it’s time to buckle down, get on top of the class and try to be more aware of the family dynamics. Sometimes it’s just as simple as talking - if it’s driving your parents crazy because they don’t know when you are coming and going…tell them where you are going, when you’re going to be home. Be considerate and chances our the discordance will settle down.</p>

7

<p>Before I elaborate, I didn’t go into much detail because I REALLY don’t need a lecture about what I should have done in the past, or how I’m a horrible kid, or whatever. Nor did I want people to tell me to stop whining, so I decided it was best to keep it short. I just wanted some tips on how to deal with stress, maybe try talking to my parents, etc. So if you read the rest of this, keep in mind the intent of my topic. I’m only typing it out because some people asked for details/there appear to be misunderstandings about the situation…</p>

<p>As far as about the fight, it had to do with some chore I should have done earlier in the day about a week after I got home from school (vacuuming the living room). It didn’t escalate until he made an offhand dig at me, and I cursed prolifically in response (nothing about him, just at him, try ‘why the f-ing f do you always have to f-ing insult me’). Sure, it was wrong. The consequences:</p>

<p>I have tried talking to my father (last week I said that it bothered me that we weren’t speaking, and that I wanted to work it out), but he told me to shut up. When I said, please, dad, this important, he says, “I hate looking at your face and listening to your voice. I can’t wait until you move out forever so that I never have to see or hear you again. Don’t come back next summer, or ever.” For the past month I have been unable to use the “kid’s car” except to go to class (my mother started driving me to work on her way in to help me out, but he stopped talking to her, too…I don’t know if it’s related to her driving me, because when I asked if it had to do with me, she said that she didn’t want to talk about it), so it is not a problem of not knowing “where I’m going.” I’m hardly able to go out to see a movie (my friends are able to pick me up maybe once a week to do something fun)! </p>

<p>I am finding the situation really difficult, as I pay for my gas, toiletries, clothing, food, haircuts, everything. I even buy some groceries for the family and toiletries for my brother if he needs them. I feel like for all of this I should at least have the freedom to go rent a movie one afternoon if I like, but I have to get rides from my mother even to go to someplace as simple as the grocery store (I’m a vegetarian and my family is not, so there’s hardly anything for me to eat in the house besides pasta and cereal haha). She is continually snapping at me, also, although she apologizes and says she doesn’t mean it (this morning she got up late and was late to work…she wouldn’t have been if she didn’t have to drive me in, too).</p>

<p>I am especially upset because although I had the funds to move out this summer to a decent apartment right next to campus, my father forced me to remain at home for an unknown reason. Now things are horrible and I don’t know what to do. I would also like to use my savings to buy a car, but my name is not on the account yet and my dad is not allowing it… </p>

<p>I just want to know how to deal with the stress, because since I’m stuck in my house all the time, I’m constantly upset. I’d love to just stay at school and study, or go to the library or a park, but I can’t because none of those things are in walking distance (sometimes my mom lets me stay at school after class to study, but my dad gets really angry about it).</p>

<p>So what can I do to calm down, block out the stress from my parents (as far as my dad is concerned, I don’t think there’s anything I can do to fix it…I tried!), focus on this class, or whatever?</p>

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<p>I would love to hear the other side to this story. There has to be history of other major issues.</p>

9

<p>Are you the youngest? Maybe it is not ALL about you. Parents with “empty nest syndrome”, or left with one at home, sometimes act a little wierd until they figure everything out. I understand “house rules”, but having a college age kid on “house arrest” seems a little bizarre to me over an argument. Now, if your behavior is totally inappropriate involving illegal substances or not letting anyone know where you are, because you are an “adult”, then you might have a larger issue. I am a mother of 3 boys and I do get irritated when they stay out or up until 2 or 3am in the summer and then sleep half the day. Like the others here, I dont know your specific situation, but your Dad might be scared. Afraid that if you dont work and go to school and stay on track that you might quit school. It sounds like a bit of a control issue, but not knowing all of the details I just dont know. If you would like to PM me to chat about more particulars (off a public forum), I would be happy to try and help. Understanding, I am only a Mom of 3 boys ages 24, 19 and 17, and a step mom of 2 grown adult kids. I would hate to suggest something for “keeping the peace” or stress relief it is only going to exasperate the situation. It is a tough place to be…half in, half out of your parents house. I do sympathize with you and hopefully you can find a happy compromise Good Luck! :)</p>

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<p>I’m really sorry that the situation is as bad as you say. No wonder you are experiencing stress and are constantly upset.</p>

<p>Some ideas for calming yourself: </p>

<p>deep breathing: slow, deep breaths from the diaphragm. </p>

<p>mindfulness: moment to moment, nonjudgmental attention in which you take note of your environment but attach no meaning or significance to it. It can help keep you grounded in the here and now, which can be calming and soothing. </p>

<p>imagery: close your eyes, breath deeply, and envision a calming scene such as a mountain cabin surrounded by tall, leafy, green trees. Imagine how all your senses would react–the scent of the trees, etc.</p>

<p>research calmness, meditation, and related concepts online to find an approach congenial to you: for example, <a href=“http://www.synearth.net/healing/MasteringCalmness.pdf[/url]”>http://www.synearth.net/healing/MasteringCalmness.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Please keep us posted on how you are feeling.</p>

11

<p>How about going to the student health center at the school you are attending this summer and asking to speak with a counselor. That should be covered by your health fees. It certainly sounds like you have some difficult (and long standing) family dynamics to deal with. Since these family dynamics are not likely to change this summer, you need to learn ways to protect your self from stress. Also, whatever your infractions, it is unacceptable and hurtful to be spoken to that way from your father. You need to learn how to put up some protective emotional armor if you are to maintain a relationship with him in the future. I think even a few hours with a therapist will do wonders for you. if you can work with a cognitive behavior therapist, they usually focus on teaching practical skills you can use right away to deal with life situations that are causing you trouble. I would also let the professor of your class know you are dealing with some personal issues and have sought help at the health center for those issues. That way, if you really cannot finish your class strongly, you can likely get an incomplete and complete the the class (possible via email/online) when the stress levels are a bit lower. Don’t wait to talk to the professor… they are usually more compassionate when students are proactive and do not wait until they are failing the final to bring up a problem. Good luck to you. This summer will go fast and you will soon be out of the hostile environment you are living with.</p>

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<p>Yes focus on the class and your job. If what your report is true and your father is snapping at your mom, too then there is a dynamic between your parents that is probably compounding the situation and might have nothing to do with you - I think it’s odd that your mom wouldn’t talk to you about it. This is totally and 100% off the wall so please don’t take offense if it’s off base, but, if your father has an alcohol problem, you might want to find out of there is a local Alateen or Alanon meeting to get some support.</p>

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<p>My father used to speak to me like that. All the time. </p>

<p>So, you know what? I did exactly what he asked/told me to do. I stuck around until I had a reason/ability to leave, then I never went back. </p>

<p>My advice: Go to work. Get good grades. Make yourself invisible at home. Avoid Dad. And don’t live at home ever again. You’ve only got a few weeks left. Hang in there. I’ve BTDT and speak from experience. </p>

<p>As a mom it breaks my heart to give this advice. But as the former target of emotional abuse, it was an effective remedy. </p>

<p>Oh, and as it turns out, my dad was recently diagnosed an intermittent explosive disorder that manifests verbally. He now takes meds. Whatever. The wounds have healed, but the scars remain. We have a polite relationship now, but it’s not deep like a father/daughter should be. </p>

<p>Here’s hoping your relationship can recover, too.</p>

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<p>Mantra- September is coming. You will survive, this summer is temporary. Sounds like a lot more going on than just your stated actions/words. Try to ignore all of the negatives and concentrate on school- that will help your grade and let you cope with all of the restrictions. There are probably issues you are in no way responsible for- so don’t feel guilty- and things you can’t do anything about, so center yourself on what you can control now- your summer class. Then go away to school and get on with your life. You may eventually discover the reasons things went to H— and stayed there, but don’t worry about that now. You are learning/will learn you can’t solve all problems, sometimes you just have to leave them behind. Your mistakes earlier this summer are not the cause of the continued discord, they just tipped a balance you may not have known was shaky- let go of it and move on, regardless of what your parents do. You are not the only one ever caught in a bad summer, having issues with a parent- hang in there.</p>

<p>I want to say so much more, make it better, but I can’t. I do know you will get to leave and have a good life, we can’t choose our parents, but we can choose our lives as adults… (you brought back some bad memories, I was always glad to leave for school). Feeling powerless is part of the stress- been there, done that.</p>

15

<p>I’m really sorry that you had to hear that from your father. In my opinion that was completely unacceptable to say that to your child. You swore at him, asked to reconcile. Even if he was still angry at you, that is not a normal response to anger at your child. I say that because I’m not sure you know it, and I want you to know that you don’t deserve that. </p>

<p>There are other hallmarks of control, other than verbal. Your father “forced” you to come home for the summer rather than rent an apartment close to school. He gets mad if you stay at school after class to study. Your name is not on your bank account and he won’t let you have access to your money. I don’t think these are normal parental controls. Is this your money that you have earned and saved? Or is it money from a trust or other source? You might want to go to a bank TODAY and open a savings/checking account in your name only (you are over 18, I presume) and start putting your earned money into it.</p>

<p>I don’t know what to say about the rest of this summer. Is there another family you can stay with for a while? A friend? If not, avoid him as much as possible. Do you have a bicycle that you can use so that you can get out of the house and back and forth to other places? (Wear a helmet!)</p>

16

<p>I think its possible that your parents are having a problem with each other and you are receiving the fallout. You did the right thing by trying to reconcile but the fact that he does not wish to do that and your mother has not intervened makes me believe there are other things at play here beside you…It doesn’t help though to make you feel happy or at peace. I would go with DougBetsy’s advice and make yourselve scarce at home…just study in your room and keep in touch with your girlfriend over the phone; since she will be aware of your situation I am sure she will understand…not long to go now and you will be out of the sad and demoralizing situation.</p>

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<p>Even if the parents are having problems, that is no excuse for the father’s abuse or the mother’s inability to protect or even talk to her child. Like DougBetsy, I have experience with this. My abusive father is still abusive to those who are in contact with him. We have been estranged for a number of years, but some of my siblings still crave his approval for some strange reason. And we are OLD. Most people have a hard time breaking away from an abusive parent child relationship, especially while still dependent financially. Find a counselor. This is big stuff. You need help from someone else since your parents are part of the problem. I second the Alanon recommendation. Do not write it off as just for those with alcohol problems in their family. You could go there and learn a lot about how to deal with family members engaging in hurtful behavior and how one can deal with it. And it’s free! You will find people there who have walked a mile in your moccasins. What you are going through is, unfortunately, not uncommon. Good luck.</p>

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<p>There being no excuse unfortunately doesn’t make things be as they should be. I’m glad this thread was started because I think not only the OP is helped but others can read our responses and be helped. Wish I had had this resource as a teenager- but that was eons ago, back in the pre PC era so no way to keep confidential locally and still talk to anyone…</p>