How to deal with very bad parents?

Parent Cafe
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<p>As a parent, and a conservative one at that, I don’t think that the other parents who have responded here are right to simply say:</p>

<p>“I pay the bills around here, so I demand that you see a therapist, or I demand that you now go out a run ten miles”</p>

<p>That being said, however, the fact that your parents want you to see a therapist indicates that they think that this is probably a lot more than you just being a bit of a loner who is interested in academics.</p>

<p>I am sure that if they told everyone THEIR side of the story, there would be a lot more to the story. Why not ask them to elaborate exactly why they think you need to see a therapist.</p>

<p>Instead of sitting by yourself and studying, why not find some like minded people at your school, and study together. Or go out to a movie together. Stuff like that.</p>

<p>See the therapist. Or counselor. Or whoever it is. Nothing to lose. Even colleges have counselors there for the students.</p>

<p>I am 55 years old. If I could go back in time and be 17 again, believe me, I would not sit in my room and “do problem sets”. You are wasting what should be the best years of your life. That is not to say that academics is not important, but it is only part of a normal student’s life, and should not be his WHOLE life.</p>

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<p>

You must work for a graduate school that is most likely unheard of. Sorry, but I doubt most graduate schools would care about the fact that I did not party or made very few friends, so long as I have a good GPA, good GRE, and some great LOR’s. The LOR’s won’t be a problem, as I get along and have nice chats with my professors during office hours. As I’ve said before, I do have the social skills necessary to work in groups and get the work done, I am not shy. However, I am simply just not interested in useless pursuits such as “small talk” or going out with colleagues. Let me guess, that will also harm the productivity of my research and my future goals in academia, because surely, all math and physics professors are always out partying or at a bat when they are off from work?</p>

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<p>Floridadad: I think that is excellent advice, thank you. I will see my student counselor, as they most likely would address my problem, assuming I have any, and it is just more convenient. Unfortunately, I don’t think if the counselor were to say that I am perfectly fine that my parents would stop worrying.</p>

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<p>Do you have any need / desire for a romantic life of any sort?</p>

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<p>Dont be ridiculous. No one cares if you ‘partied’. You seem to have this very black and white view of the world when it comes to socializing. Those that actually like interacting with people are all drunk, partiers that don’t study enough. Nothing could be further from the truth. </p>

<p>Likewise you seem to think the academic world only cares about numbers. No one is intersted in an average intelligence person that just works 24/7 to beat the competition. There are simply too many kids that look just like you on paper but have a life, are interesting, are easy to work with, and don’t come with a lot of ‘attitude baggage’ that you exude. </p>

<p>Looking at what you’ve said on this thread and elsewhere, I am very confident that those working closely with you to write your LORs are going to be picking up on exactly what the rest of us very anonymous strangers are picking up. THAT is going to hurt you.</p>

<p>Sure you can imagine all you want that the impression you are creating is positive, that you are socially talented and get along with everyone. The reality is many of us don’t have a clue how we are actually perceived and fail to self-correct as a result. All you know are your own self-perceptions. And I worry that your expressed lack of perspective taking in your posts (and inability to predict how others will react to you) plays out in real life the same way.</p>

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<p>Majestic, you do seem to see the world in extremes. Either someone is academically inclined, or they are drunk partiers. Can you acknowledge that it may not be your personal style, many people are capable of having both serious academics and a social life? </p>

<p>Also - do you think you are better than people who go to parties and socialize?</p>

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<p>Majestic:</p>

<p>You say I gave you good advice, and that you will see the school counselor.</p>

<p>That is only 1/2 the advice.</p>

<p>The other 1/2 of the advice is that you DO probably need to become far more social.</p>

<p>Don’t go to the school counselor for the reason that it will get your parents off your back.</p>

<p>Go with the notion that your parents, who are adults, have noticed some deficiencies that you have, and that perhaps you actually do need to change some things in your life. They are not telling you to see a counselor just to annoy you. </p>

<p>Consider the following: </p>

<p>I assure you that once you get a “hot” girlfriend, doing problem sets in your room all day suddenly won’t seem so important to you. </p>

<p>I think you are probably using academics as an EXCUSE not to get out there in the real world.</p>

<p>You only have one life. Don’t blow it.</p>

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<p>

Nope. </p>

<p>10 char.</p>

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<p>Your response to the girl’s question that you have no interest in a having a romantic life is just plain silly.</p>

<p>A 17 year old boy who answers that question in the negative is an indication that you really do have to get out into the real world, and away from your “problem sets”.</p>

<p>Or perhaps you intend on taking care of that need by yourself, in the privacy of your own room? If so, you are missing out.</p>

70

<p>From mimk6’s link:</p>

<p>Symptoms of Schizoid Personality Disorder</p>

<p>Schizoid personality disorder is characterized by a pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:</p>

<pre><code>Neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family
Almost always chooses solitary activities
Has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person
Takes pleasure in few, if any, activities
Lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
Appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others
Shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity
</code></pre>

<p>As with all personality disorders, the person must be at least 18 years old before they can be diagnosed with it.</p>

<p>Schizoid personality disorder is more prevalent in males than females. Its prevalence in the general population is not known.</p>

<p>Like most personality disorders, schizoid personality disorder typically will decrease in intensity with age, with many people experiencing few of the most extreme symptoms by the time they are in the 40s or 50s. </p>

<p>Hmmn… 5 of the 7 from reading these posts. At best. Maybe all 7. </p>

<p>Perhaps this is what the “really bad parents” are thinking? </p>

<p>Things could be a LOT worse. If your folks go to counseling or a support group (free, through NAMI) they’ll find that out really quickly. </p>

<p>OP, either this board is your only social outlet, so this is how you amuse yourself, or deep down, you’d actually appreciate some help. Hope it all works out.</p>

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<p>

Your assumptions and inferences are laughably off, which just reinforces the fact that you most probably are an adviser for some unheard of graduate school. I understand that social skills in order to do research and work with other professors is vital, however, I truly doubt most academicians would care over such trivial matters such as whether their colleagues talk about things that do not pertain to their job. that would be unprofessional. </p>

<p>

It is numbers for most top schools, maybe not your graduate department that is somewhere in the backwoods of Kansas. Most top 10 graduate schools will always take the student that has the better GRE and GPA along with some LOR’s over the student who is a social butterfly but has a much lower GPA and lower GRE but more LOR’s. I’m at a top 10 school, and even upper year students who are gunning for top graduate schools are rather introverted and tend to keep to themselves, most definitely not social butterflies. </p>

<p>

I doubt my professors, who are years older than me, could care much whether some kid doing research under them asks them how their life is going. I actually enjoy talking to my professors about my subject and the current research that is being done. </p>

<p>

I don’t really care what people think of me, I don’t live my life for them. Most people that matter (professors and graduate committees) would hardly care how I spent my free-time such as socializing or studying, and if they do, then they have a lot of maturing to do.</p>

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<p>Isn’t it true that if you have a personality disorder it is almost impossible to understand that you have one? Maybe some of those that work in this field can shed some light on this.</p>

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</p>

<p>Then why are you so defensive here?</p>

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<p>

I was just using that example to supplement my argument. I know most people fall in between, and yes I acknowledge that many people are capable of having both a social life and being serious in their academics. I am just responding to people who are falsely telling me that my lack of a social life will deter me from getting into graduate school, as if having a social life is a criteria in getting into graduate school.</p>

<p>

No, as long as their partying or socializing is not affecting my life personally. As the saying goes, “different strokes for different folks”.</p>

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<p>I found this interesting:</p>

<p>OP posted

</p>

<p>And one characteristic of schizoid personality disorder is

</p>

<p>OP even used the phrase “based on emotion”.</p>

<p>OP, IMO you are “normal” to yourself because you don’t know any better. You’ll never change or seek help until you can admit that maybe there is something “wrong” with the way you perceive the world. Do you really think your parents are simply just interested in making your life difficult? Were they such rotten parents that this can be the only possible intention that they have?</p>

<p>How can it hurt to explore other possibilities? It is what educated people do! Maybe you don’t want to change but at least you could get some information that might help you to understand why others have difficulty with your position. Information can only make your life easier. Why are you so resistant?</p>

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<p>You actually completely and absolutely misunderstand what I’m saying. But I’m not surprised. No one cares about your social life. What they will care about is how you interact with others, and just from your postings on here its apparent there is an obvious problem. </p>

<p>And YES YOU SHOULD care about what others think about you. NOT your partying, but your personality, arrogance and disdain for human beings. The fact that we can pick this up here…are you kidding me that your professors over four years won’t pick up on this? </p>

<p>And get off your high horse- exactly the kind of raw immature arrogance that is going to hurt you. FWIW, I graduated from the very top program in my field, and have taught at two top 5 schools for more than a decade, have spent 20 years in my field and have spent a quarter of that time as the head of my professional association (composed of all professors in my field).</p>

<p>But hey, go ahead, ignore all the advice and that of everyone else whose time you’ve already wasted…you know everything as a first year student. Good luck there.</p>

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<p>Majjestic, be open minded and see the therapist, if for no other reason than to appease your parents. As another poster said, you are now an adult and you can walk out if there is a problem with the therapist. It will solve the problem with your parents and you may learn something about yourself in the process. I’ve read some of your posts in the past and I have seen your point of veiw in other threads, but you are displaying a lack of maturity here. Trust me on this.</p>

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<p>“I have social skills. In all group projects I have done, I have managed to get along well with my classmates and get the job done. I’m just not into socializing. That, however, does not imply that I do not have any social skills.”</p>

<p>Let’s say you are working on a very important group project with a small group of people. It is a project that has required many hours of working together as a group, and you have been “managing to get along well” with everyone in the group. One day, after a long work session, one of them says, “Does anyone want to grab some dinner with me?” There’s no pressure to go, several people say yes, one person has an appointment and can’t go. You have nothing else that you need to do that evening. Would you go?</p>

<p>Why?</p>

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<p>@ Majjestic – if you don’t want to see a therapist, and I can understand that position, then you do have another choice. You could go out and make a friend. Join a club you like and find some people you like to hang out with. If you aren’t willing to do that then you’ll need to see a therapist because I don’t see how you can make your parents stop caring about you.</p>

<p>You have talked several times about success in graduate school. The people I know who succeeded in graduate school were the ones who had balance in their lives. Either they were married or they had friends whom they hung out with. The ones who just studied burned out and didn’t finish.</p>

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<p>Majestic…I believe you are just here to either argue your point or just prove you’re right, just like you did in this thread.</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1187254-dealing-nosy-parents-while-commuting.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1187254-dealing-nosy-parents-while-commuting.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Go to therapist, don’t go, move out, don’t move out. BFD.</p>