<p>Why are people insisting that there is something “wrong” with the OP? Let’s assume he does have a Schizoid Personality Disorder, why is that a bad thing if he is not depressed or a danger to others? Yes, he comes off as a little defensive, but the way people have been attacking him and his lifestyle, he is understandably a little testy. I think he actually sounds reasonable, if somewhat stubborn. He asked for advice about how to deal with his parents that want to push him into therapy. I understand why they are worried–they, like so many here apparently, don’t accept that someone can be satisfied living this way. Open your minds folks. There are all kinds of people, and certainly many more like the OP than any of us probably realize because they are out of our purview. I think he just has to work more showing his parents that his is an acceptable lifestyle, and he may need the help of an expert to do that.</p>
<p>i would have to disagree with the poster regarding graduate admissions. i don’t really think she knows what she’s talking about. graduate schools don’t evaluate your social life or w/e ridiculous point she is trying to make.</p>
<p>you need to start interacting with people more and improving your social skills. if not for the reason of making friends, forming relationships, and generally having a fun college experience, do it for the reason that you will need letters of recommendation for graduate school, and you cannot get good letters without forming strong relationships with your professors and knowing them on a personal level.
try to join a club at your school, play sports, or start going to the gym. just try to socialize and get out as much as you can. start random conversations with people you see in class or w/e, it may seem awkward or scary at first but eventually you get used to it. social skills are just like any other skill, if you don’t “practice” you will never do well</p>
<p>^ No one said anything about evaluating your social life. You know, critical reading is also an important part of success of getting into graduate school. </p>
<p>My point, and others have made it as well, is that if you have had extremely little social interaction, if you really have disregard for interacting with others, your social growth and development will be delayed. And while this poster can say all they want about how this isn’t affecting them a) they likely can’t accurately judge how its impacting them and how others will be viewing their delay and b) it is already quite visible that it is from reading all the posts. </p>
<p>Someone working closely with a student over the course of four years- i’ve sent many an undergrad to grad school- may not know anything at all about your personal life (I don’t!), but they are going ot come to learn whether a student is brilliant or just a grinder working 24/7 at the expense of everything else, and his or her attitude and the effects of zero social life for 22 years is surely going to be picked up by his advisors.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Yup, and that is why many of us also said at the outset the answer is simple: see a therapist to appease those putting a roof over your head, and maybe they will just be assured he is fine. But he also is afraid to see a therapist…which does speak to something that is wrong.</p>
<p>Well, I feel the need to chime in again. First of all, I’m glad the OP apologized for the title of the thread and his initial portrayal of his parents. That is a reflection of some of the social skills that so many here feel are lacking. It demonstrates an ability to take feedback and reflect a bit. </p>
<p>I’m curious about one thing. More than once, you (OP) have stated that your parents “have been led to believe” that something is wrong with you. By whom? Can you elaborate? </p>
<p>I’m the one who posted the link to schizoid personality disorder. I would like to point out that this diagnosis is not going to be in the DSM V. For those interested in the proposed changes to personality disorders, here is a link. </p>
<p><a href=“http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevision/Pages/PersonalityDisorders.aspx[/url]”>http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevision/Pages/PersonalityDisorders.aspx</a></p>
<p>“I find it insulting that some people feel I need to be forced to socialize” - There is probably no job anywhere that doesn’t benefit from some people skills.</p>
<p>I think your parents just care about you. If you feel your as-is life is adequate, then perhaps suggest family therapy so that you can co-exist. A kid living home who eats alone and stays in his/her room would make for a stressful household.</p>
<p>I would echo Wildwood’s post. However, I would add that sometimes people don’t see what the people around them may see and they may be hurting themselves or others without really realizing it. </p>
<p>Regarding therapy, generally people come into therapy when the way they do things is no longer working for them, when there are relationship issues that trouble them, or when they feel bad and want to feel better and so forth (there are other reasons). My point is, there is usually something that motivates a person to spend the money, make the time commitment and do the work of therapy. Therapy is generally not all the productive when people are there because they are doing it for someone else or feel they have been pressured into it. (I’m a therapist.)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’m torn about this as I can understand where the OP is coming from even as I agree his approach seems extreme and will be self-defeating…especially in academia where there’s a strong political dimension to being admitted, advanced to dissertation stage, and in being recommended/hired for jobs. Heard plenty of this from friends in top science PhD programs…including Harvard and MIT. Also…some socialization will be expected as my friends’ departmental “happy hours” where beer is sometimes served illustrated. </p>
<p>I’m just wondering if he may be dealing with parents who may not understand his strong academic interests and feel that he needs to be forced into a socialization maelstrom against his will. </p>
<p>I had an aunt like that who disdained “excessive” attention to academics and overemphasized the social aspects of college and life. Her son followed her advice with enthusiasm…and ended up coming to the brink of academic suspension/expulsion multiple times for academic reasons for prioritizing beer, girls, and partying over academics at some 3-4th tier public. </p>
<p>A reason why I find it bewildering when parents get worried about students “studying too hard” or being “excessive about academics”…especially considering from what I’ve seen on most mainstream campuses outside my LAC and some other similar schools…including many elite ones…most US college students DO party too much/slack off and don’t study enough*. </p>
<ul>
<li>Recalled seeing a survey stating that the average US college student barely spent 2 hours of studying per day on average. Something which shocked me as that was far less time than anyone spent studying on average at my NYC urban public magnet high school…including my then slacking self. And it wasn’t because we were all “24/7 grinders”…but because the academic workload and rigor was that intense.</li>
</ul>
<p>The OP may or may not have an issue, problem or psychological disorder. Anyone who is reading just this thread and feels capable of drawing such a conclusion is simply wrong. None of us truly know this OP very well and none of us know his parents or situation at all. What can you base these disorder conclusions on?</p>
<p>Stick with the simple advice that has been given multiple times already. See a counselor or therapist. If not, talk with anyone (a friend if you have one, clergy). You are an adult as has been mentioned. If you don’t like what is going on, leave. Talk with your parents since it appears you believe that have cared about you. It really wouldn’t be a big deal to interact with others to some minimal extent. Maybe there is an academic club that could interest you.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>What’s annoying and “off” about OP is not his desire to study. It’s not his prioritizing studying over idle chit-chat with mom and dad.
It’s his wretched, rude, insulting, know-it-all attitude. I have to wonder if he has no other outlet for his aggressions.</p></li>
<li><p>Fladad suggested Go with the notion that your parents, who are adults, have noticed some deficiencies that you have, and that perhaps you actually do need to change some things in your life. Even easier, just go there to complain about your parents. A trained counselor (not a kid or a faculty advisor) will know how to proceed.</p></li>
<li><p>*Most top 10 graduate schools will always take the student that has the better GRE and GPA * Think agan, Mr Freshman, think again. It is not all about stats. No grad program hands you the key to a study carrel or lab and says check in next spring. You are expected to get along with people to their satisfaction. People judge your grad applications- not machines.</p></li>
<li><p>If studying is so important, get off CC and go study. Being here on CC, arguing with posters- because you have no other outlet for this in real life- is a waste of your study time. Many people with no outlet like to find anonymous venues to complain and argue- wanna be one of those? Get back to work.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>
</p>
<p>That’s not what therapy is about. If you go to a therapist, everything that happens between you and the therapist is confidential – you can talk to the therapist about whatever you want. That means, you can ask the therapist to help you with strategies to get along better with your parents. </p>
<p>You are IN an emotional, social relationship. That is the relationship you have with your parents. Because they are your parents and you still live at home, you have a responsibility to hold up your end of the relationship. Part of normal social skills is to understand that. </p>
<p>You also have POWER to change the way your parents relate to you, by changing the way you relate to them. A therapist can help you see your way out of the repeated-loop that leads to the same patterns and fights being repeated over and over. You cannot change other people, but you can change the way you act and respond toward them, and in so doing force a change in the way they act and respond to you. </p>
<p>You DO have a problem. We know that, because you posted a thread with a title SAYING you had a problem. The PROBLEM you have, and that you acknowledge having and have sought help with, is “how to deal with” your parents. (Who are not “very bad”, but could very well be neurotic and overbearing – we don’t know them, so we can’t say where on the spectrum between normal & extreme each of you are). </p>
<p>A THERAPIST can help with THAT problem. What you could do for yourself is simply look up the credentials of the therapist your parents want you to see, and ask for a different therapist if you don’t think the one your parents have selected has the right skill set. Look for a therapist who does family or relationship counseling; you might also do well with one who is trained in cognitive-behavioral therapy. Then you can go to the therapist and ask the question you asked us, and get real world, practical, useful advice and suggestions. </p>
<p>If you don’t want to do that, then you really should move out. I didn’t say or mean to say that your parent should kick you out – just that it is YOUR responsibility as an adult to move out and become independent if you aren’t happy with your living situation or at least willing to humor your parents somewhat in exchange for all they are providing. Your parents are NOT asking for anything unreasonable. To see a therapist would typically be one hour of your time a week. Probably a 50 minute hour, ended on the dot - as most therapists seem to be very good clock-watchers. Depending on the therapist, it could be an hour in which you do all the talking and the therapist just nods and says, 'hmmm… what do you think?" (That’s not the kind I was recommending, but you can choose any type of therapist you want). </p>
<p>Or you could humor your parents in other ways, by getting out of the house 2 evenings a week, and simply taking your computer and going to library or coffee house and doing your work there. Maybe if they saw you going “out” they would leave you alone. If you were really smart you would go “out” every night, make it a point to miss dinner with them frequently, and show up home late, even if you were spending all of that time in a carrel it your school library – then your parents would be pleading with you to stay home more often. </p>
<p>I’m not saying that you should socialize – though I do believe that the lack of social skills will end up hurting you with job and career plans. (You’ll end up seeing others people who are less capable than you get awards, grants, and promotions and also end up taking credit for your work, because of their superior social skills – that’s how it works in the real world.). But that’s your personal issue. </p>
<p>My point is that if you live with your parents and take their money (or the benefit of their financial support), then you have the responsibility to give back in that relationship. I don’t see where you have said that you do anything in that respect. Getting good grades or awards for yourself is not giving back. Promising to support them in their old age is not giving back - its just an empty promise. Listening to their concerns, treating them with respect, and showing a willingness to make some reasonable changes in your own lifestyle is part of the normal giving back that goes along with parent/child relationships. If you don’t want to that, then it is not fair for you to continue to occupy space in their home. I mean, maybe mom & dad would just like a little more privacy and time to themselves some evenings. </p>
<p>You are very lucky that your parents are offering something that you can use for your benefit – time with a therapist – rather than trying to force you to do something that they have control over. For example, your parents could be trying to set up social events or arrange dates for you, or insisting that you attend family social events – they aren’t. Therapy is NOT about forcing change on anyone, and if your parents think that it is, then they are simply mistaken. If you want, a therapist can be someone who is paid to listen to you gripe about your parents for an hour and to be on your side.</p>
<p>First off, I am not diagnosing the OP but there are other disorders that have same symptoms.</p>
<ol>
<li>Social anxiety disorder</li>
<li>Depression</li>
<li>Schizoid Personality D/O</li>
<li>Schizoaffective d/o</li>
<li>Elements of bipolar and schizophrenia…</li>
</ol>
<p>Source: RN and worked in psych setting x 7 years…</p>
<p>If we looked at ourselves, we all may have aspects of mental disease at times. It is a little like saying headaches mean brain tumors. Most of the time headaches do not mean one has tumor. However it is a little worrisome there are many symptoms… The fact the OP recognizes and acknowledges these symptoms and posts a question on a forum is a good sign. I hope the OP sees a therapist though…</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I just don’t see where the OP has been more “wretched, rude and insulting” than some of the other posters here toward him. Someone accused him of using “vitriol”–where? He has argued back defending himself. Just because he is a young student and most of us are parents, doesn’t mean we have a greater right to doling out harsh criticism.</p>
<p>Sorry, it’s the manner in which he “defends” himself. Most posters have said “just see the darned therapist.” He claims his parents are the ones in the wrong, that his isolation in his home should be sufficient, implied one poster’s U is in the backwoods and his/her knowledge is inferior, brought up the idea his parents should tolerate him because someday, they’ll be dependent on him- this last one is particularly scary. </p>
<p>Even if he is “reaching out for help here,” he is also using this thread to lash out at posters. This isn’t like some threads where the kid enters a discussion.</p>
<p>In that respect, his purpose does seem to be inflammatory.</p>
<p>
You might be confusing unconditional love with unconditional funding. Unconditional love sometimes demands that the funds be cut off.</p>
<p>A good parent delivers what the son or daughter needs, which is not necessarily what they want.</p>
<p>Personality disorders are not the equivalent of psychoses – that is, a person with characteristics of a personality disorder can lead a very successful life without treatment, and without ever representing any sort of risk to themselves and others.</p>
<p>The problem is that people with personality disorders are very difficult for others to work with or get along with, so while the person may function well independently, they are unlikely to be able to form and sustain relationships with others. </p>
<p>The OP doesn’t want such relationships, and if he wants to live alone, he has every right to do so. </p>
<p>But as I keep saying, if he lives at home with his parents then he is in a relationship. As an adult, it is his choice to maintain that relationship. If he has symptoms of a personality disorder, then he probably is quite irksome to live with – hence, therapy become a reasonable option to address the relationship problem. (Group family therapy would also be a very good option, but I doubt that the OP would find that preferable to individual therapy – at least in an individual setting he won’t have to sit in a room and listen to his parents list all of their gripes about him to the therapist). </p>
<p>The real question is not “how to deal” with his parents, but what can the OP do to reassure the parent or get along with them better. That doesn’t mean that the OP is at fault – it’s just what each person in any sort of relationship should always be asking themselves. Of course, that is not what typically happens – but that is the hallmark characteristic of participants in healthy relationships.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Definitely – especially because I am sure that his parents are terrified that it is going to be the other way around. That is, they fear that when they are retirement age, they will still have to support a 39-year old misanthrope who is marginally employed and still living in their house with no signs of moving on.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I just came back from visiting my D at her college’s parents’ weekend. One of the key things we (parents) looked for was - has she made friends? I’m glad to report that she has, and she invited some of them to dinner with us, waved / chatted with others as she walked by, etc. That’s a HUGE measure of good social adjustment, IMO. I’d be very worried if I said to my kid a month into college, “Oh, what friends have you made?” and he or she said “none.” I don’t blame the parents for being worried one bit, and for forcing the counseling issue. What the OP describes may not be harmful in the sense that he’s not the Unabomber, but it’s not healthy at all. I’m introverted. I GET introversion. I could build a life for myself in a university library and spend the majority of my time doing my own thing and being happy as a clam. But it’s not healthy not to understand the importance of engaging with others socially. This has nothing to do with partying – social engagement can be studying with others at the library, playing a sport, or working together in a club or common interest. Or just having a cup of coffee and discussing personal things, not just academics! This student is reporting none of that. Sorry, that’s unhealthy and unbalanced and I understand his parents’ position.</p>
<p>Lots of wisdom in these last few (and many other) posts. Sure hope the OP can open his mind to receive it.</p>
<p>It’s a big temptation to diagnose someone over the internet. However, diagnosing off of posts online is not the equivalent of a thorough evaluation by a professional. If we’re going to start giving every know-it-all, combative or rude poster a diagnosis, there will be no end to it. I’m not saying he doesn’t have something. I’m not saying he does. I’m just saying I’m dismayed by how easily people are willing to label others on this forum.</p>