<p>I don’t think the point is whether or not the OP’s lifestyle choice is appropriate or “normal” – the issue is whether it is reasonable for him to see a therapist in order to explore that issue. </p>
<p>I think the avoidance of the therapist in itself is telling – he says his parents make appointments, and then he deliberately misses the appointments – that implies that he lets his parents believe he will go, but essentially chickens out at the last minute. What is he afraid of? I mean, if he is so sure that he is in the right, what’s wrong with sitting down with the therapist and saying that? (“I’m only here because my parents insist, but I think my parents just don’t understand that I prefer focusing on my studies. I don’t socialize with other students but I am surrounded by other students when I am on campus and in class, so I don’t feel isolated. I just wish my parents would get off my back and leave me alone.”)</p>
<p>The therapist might agree with the OP – and provide the “help” that the OP asked for, which how to “deal with” the parents. Maybe that help would come in the form of the therapist later meeting with the parent, assuring them that their kid is reclusive but not mentally ill, and giving the parents the information they need to do exactly what the OP wants them to do: back off. </p>
<p>I don’t know. I think there is probably more to the story on both sides – but that’s not the point. The parents want the OP to see a therapist. They are paying. That’s maybe an hour of his time per week, in a setting that is confidential. That is very little for the parents to ask. I don’t think therapy can help a person who doesn’t think he has a problem… I’m just at a loss to see how it can hurt. It is a very small price for the OP to pay to appease his parents.</p>
<p>We don’t really know whether his parents’ expectations/frequency of social contact/socialization are within what most would consider reasonable (once in a while) or if it is really a conflict between social butterfly parents hosting dinner parties at their house every weekend who expect their kids and any nearby relatives to spend the entire evening/weekend socializing at the expense of academics like that aunt of mine. </p>
<p>If his parents are like the social butterfly types I described, I can easily see the OP reacting defensively and angrily at being forced to socialize because there’s a fundamental incompatibility between their desires/expectations for social interaction and they’re forcing their threshold on him. </p>
<p>We really don’t know either way…though I don’t think we can really rule out the latter possibility just yet. </p>
<p>With that being said, I agree holing up in a room as a hermit like the OP seems to be doing is unhealthy and won’t help him in the grad school admission process or more importantly…getting through grad school and getting that job considering how political the academic job market can be.</p>
<p>As for the avoiding the therapist aspect, there may also be a macho-male thing involved. Many males view being forced by parents/relatives to go to a therapist as a sign they are being viewed as weak or as a way to emasculate them.</p>
<p>Deep down, I don’t think the OP really thinks that the therapist will agree with him … “Hey, you’re just the reclusive type, but within the boundaries of normal – let’s figure out some ways to let your parents know that you are fine, just quieter than they’d like.” I suspect deep down the OP knows that the therapist will indeed say “uh-oh, there’s a potential issue here” and push the OP to come out of his comfort zone – and it is VERY clear that the OP resists any attempts to come out of his comfort zone and engage with others beyond the bare minimum necessary.</p>
<p>OP, have you considered that just as you might be an expert (or a soon-to-be expert) in math and physics, that maybe the therapist is equally an expert on human behavior? Maybe if you conceptualize it that way it will be easier to understand.</p>
<p>Also OP - in your opinion, ASIDE from wasting time, what is the downside of interacting with people more?</p>
<p>Another thing for the OP to think about: He’s a practical guy. How then can he justify allowing his parents to schedule appointments, and then missing them? Therapists cost money, and they typically charge full price for missed appointments. At the very least, he should be admitting to himself that he is not going to the appointment, and calling to cancel. Not wasting someone else’s money is at the very lowest level of consideration for others. If he’s not even clearing that low bar, he should think whether his social ability is really as strong as he asserts.</p>
<p>Oh again, come off it now with the extremes. I mean, I suppose we “don’t really know” whether the parents’ expectations of social contact with others are within what most would consider reasonable (have some friends, go have coffee or see a movie with them every now and again, or at least chat with other people at the lunch table), or if they want him to party like a rock star the entire weekend and show up to class Monday morning hung over. </p>
<p>But you know, when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras, and EVERYTHING about this situation so far sounds as if the parents’ expectations are well within the bounds of normal. This isn’t someone who simply prefers his or her own company most of the time. This is someone who won’t go get a cup of coffee with fellow classmates if he believes or suspects the conversation will take ANY turn other than task-focus on the academics or project at hand. It’s not normal.</p>
<p>Extremes? Sorry, but what if the parents are micromanaging? What if they are the sort who overinterpret everything? I am not forgiving OP for lashing out. But posters have NO idea whether the parents’ expectations are at all “within the bounds of normal.” Poster are projecting- saying, well, I’d be worried if… I don’t think OP even gave an example.
All we truly know is that we’ve got a OP who, until recent posts, was pretty adamant that he’s right and the parents (and many of us) are wrong. A lot of foot-stomping. Still, even if the parents ARE wrong, therapy is good.</p>
<p>“Deep down, I don’t think the OP really thinks that the therapist will agree with him … “Hey, you’re just the reclusive type, but within the boundaries of normal – let’s figure out some ways to let your parents know that you are fine, just quieter than they’d like.” I suspect deep down the OP knows that the therapist will indeed say “uh-oh, there’s a potential issue here” and push the OP to come out of his comfort zone – and it is VERY clear that the OP resists any attempts to come out of his comfort zone and engage with others beyond the bare minimum necessary.”</p>
<p>This is easily avoided in the selection of the therapist. Just pick someone very non-directive. There wouldn’t be any conclusions coming back.</p>
<p>OP, you aren’t a parent, so you can’t be expected to think like a parent. When parents bring another person into this world, they take on the responsiblity of producing a person who will eventually be able to live on her own, self supporting, reasonably content. </p>
<p>When some friends had a child with Down syndrome, one of my first thoughts was, “Will they be able to die in peace?” Meaning, will they be able to transition their beloved daughter to an environment as adult where she is content and cared for even after they are gone? To me as a parent, that would be the torment of having a disabled child - the idea of me not always being there for her. </p>
<p>Perhaps in their own way, your parents are dealing with that type of parental issue. Most children will outlive their parents. No parent wants to think that after they pass on, their child will be totally alone, without a spouse or friends. Thanksgiving alone. Christmas alone. No birthday cards or cake. Even if that is what you truly prefer, it is very hard for a parent to see that as their child’s future.</p>
<p>“Am I the only one who wonders which school is one of the best in the country, but where most upper division students in the OP’s major live at home?”
that jumped out at me too. I think you’re right about it not being in the US, cause absolutely none of the top US schools have kids living at home, especially upperclassmen. Unless he is a ■■■■■ and this is the first time he has tripped over his story. But he is probably from overseas, like India, or Korea.</p>
Just general gossip, movies, politics, current events (that aren’t relevant to science), etc. </p>
<p>I can understand that most other people after a long day of work would want to unwind from it and relax by talking about subjects that aren’t relevant to the job, that’s normal. However, I myself love to immerse myself in my interests and would like to talk about interesting subjects. </p>
<p>Like for example, today I was just talking with my professor about the Neutrino experiment at CERN and what his thoughts were on it. It was a very intellectually stimulating conversation</p>
It’s more of a can’t. I am not the slight bit interested in these topics and simply do not like to talk about them. I am really into my own life and like prefer to keep to myself (not implying that people who are interested in others’ lives do not mind their business). It is not out of arrogance or that I think I am better than others the reason I am not interested in their lives, I’m just genuinely not interested in other people’s lives. </p>
<p>
I may prefer to keep to myself, but I am not a stoic. Depending on the circumstances, I’d offer to do twice the work and for them to take the day off so they can grieve.</p>
You’re right, and this is just the bitter reality that I must learn to come to accept. But, what is it that I must do to maximize my chances at success? I just want to live a life of a recluse in a research intensive career and when I go home I do more research and continue to solve the problems from work. I basically want my career to encompass my entire lifestyle. Is that truly an unrealistic expectation in the real world?</p>
<p>It depends on what you want for a career. If you want to essentially have a lab-technician type of position – then you probably will be fine. If you want to get recognition in your field or get a university teaching position and work toward tenure, then at some point you’ve got to play the social games needed to get people to respect you and take notice of you. The problem isn’t that you won’t get hired without the socializing stuff, the problem is that you’ll get passed over for promotions and people who are better at drawing attention to themselves will take credit for your work. But maybe you don’t mind that – given your lifestyle preferences, you probably can live quite inexpensively – no need to spend a lot of money on eating out & entertainment, etc </p>
<p>You haven’t responded to any of my posts about Aspergers. If you have an Aspergers diagnosis, then there are some firms these days that are specializing in hiring Aspie’s, because they like the work ethic and don’t mind the oddball behavioral quirks. If you don’t have a diagnosis, then it probably would be very worthwhile to see that therapist and see whether that is the explanation for your predilections. The reason the label would be helpful is that all of the things that are upsetting for your parents are very “normal” for an Aspie, and there are all sorts of Aspie-pride type resources that could help educate your parents so they can accept you for who you are. Plus those resources might give you on-line support and suggestions as to how to handle or circumvent the whole socializing thing. (I mean, these days with facebook & linkedin, you could probably write some sort of computer bot to do your socializing for you – just program a facebook app that “friends” people for you and then automatically sends little messages like “happy birthday!” and “good job!” in response to their status updates. Won’t pass the Turin test, but it would be an easy way to accumulate about 300 best friends who you never have to actually meet or talk to.)</p>
<p>Most research isn’t done in a vacuum. At the very least you need to be aware of what other people in your field are working on. This kind of information is passed along in informal settings, like the departmental teas many math departments have in the afternoon. But you can’t just talk to people with the goal of finding out only this information, you need to be able to talk with them in a regular way. Then what you need to know ends up getting passed along during the course of the conversation.</p>
<p>You need to work at the ability to talk with other people, it is a skill you will need professionally. Even if it is hard at first if you make an effort it will get easier.</p>
<p>If you followed his last thread, you’ll find this is all for not. This is not a person looking for for advice, it’s someone defending their position.</p>
<p>So, you want to be an outlier. That’s fine. Your results have to be superb. And, since not many know how to deal with them, the onus is on you to find those who can.<br>
Try to get along with your parents- even if only because it’s the kind thing to do. Try not to challenge people just because you can. And, let, as some poster said, other people be the experts in their fields- eg, a therapist.<br>
Are you also on science forums?</p>
<p>Do you think you are able to fake interest in these topics convincingly for a short period of time and come across as “normal”? Understanding fully that this isn’t what you want to do, but if you HAD to – if you were in a social situation where you absolutely couldn’t leave – could you engage in this? Or do you feel that you would not be able to hold up such a conversation - that other people would immediately know you are faking?</p>
<p>Or would you not be able to tell either way what others thought?</p>
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<p>Would it naturally occur to you to say something like, “I’m sorry to hear of your loss,” would you be genuinely sorry to hear about it if you could sense your classmate was upset? Or do those reactions feel false to you?</p>