<p>I think there is a part of social interaction that you may not be aware of, which is that * it’s not always about you.* Sometimes I really don’t care what my coworkers did over the weekend (etc), but I will still ask because that is part of normal social discourse. Or I don’t particularly care about the local sports teams, but I’ll nod and smile. Have you ever thought of doing those types of things? You seem to assume that if something’s not of interest to you, you shouldn’t ever spend any time at all doing it.</p>
<p>Majjestic said: “Like for example, today I was just talking with my professor about the Neutrino experiment at CERN and what his thoughts were on it. It was a very intellectually stimulating conversation.”</p>
<p>Honestly, I think you are putting all of us on with this comment. Nonetheless, I will take you at your word. Do you have any idea how much has been written about CERN? Do you have any idea how many people (from an extremely wide array of disciplines) are interested in this? Do you know how strongly some people are opposed to all of it? Are we really going to toss Einstein’s speed of light theory out the window? If you are serious, there are many truly fascinating conversations to be had just on this single topic.</p>
<p>englishjw, I don’t see your point - Majjestic didn’t say anything to contradict any of your points. He just said he and his prof had an intellectually stimulating discussion on the topic. He didn’t say he and his prof had had the discussion to end all discussions.</p>
<p>You claim not to think you’re superior to others, but by calling your parents “bad” simply because they do not share your values, you clearly demonstrate that you do think you’re superior. As you mature, I hope you learn that people who do not agree with, or who even push you to agree with them, are not “bad.”</p>
<p>In the meantime, if you really are fine, why not prove it to people who love you? Go see the doctor they wish you to see and tell him/her what you’ve said here. Concern for others’ feelings is one sign of good mental health, so go and demonstrate this to your family.</p>
<p>That’s the kind of thing that a therapist could really help you with. If you know what your goals are, a therapist could work with you to figure out how you can achieve those goals and what you need to do in order to accomplish them. If you are lacking in social skills and/or if you lack awareness of how the people around you experience you, a therapist can help you with that. A 50 minute session that involves talking with another human being who can’t necessarily converse with you at your level about physics would be really helpful. (In my personal opinion, however, good therapists learn to speak a bit of the language of the people they work with whether that’s the language of the soldier, of the physicist or the musician.)</p>
<p>If I was from another planet and visited this thread I wouldn’t be that anxious to try therapy. It sounds like a place where one would be told that they are not okay as they are. In truth, most therapists are very accepting and want to help people achieve their goals. In my practice, I’ve worked with people who were quite brilliant but behaved in ways that interfered with their professional success. I’ve been able to reflect back how various behaviors are being experienced by others and what might be more effective. </p>
<p>OP, a message board can only provide so much. You could benefit from sitting down with a therapist, setting some goals and using both your day-to-day real life experiences and the direct human interaction that happens with the therapist to make progress toward your goals. You do have something you want. You’re being told by a lot of people that you may need to make some changes to get what you want. It would not hurt you to go to a session and figure out if it might be productive to meet with someone regularly. While the people on this thread seem to be very enthusiastic about therapy, my experience has been that it can be very frightening and/or intimidating for people when they first see a therapist. Therapists are aware that many people view that first session with a lot of trepidation and skepticism. My suggestion is that you get the names of a few therapist – you can read extensive bios and so forth online these days as many therapists have good websites that allow you to get a good feel for how they work – and that you call and speak with a few and find one that you feel good about. It’s an hour of your life to try something that could really benefit you in the long run.</p>
I can understand being passed over for promotions, but for others to take credit for my work? How is that even allowed in academia? I’d like for you to clarify on this. I have always though the most heinous crime a scientist can do is to claim credit for another scientist’s work. And yes, I don’t need or want fancy stuff and gadgets, just the bare minimum (a roof over my head, simple food, simple clothes, simple car, etc). </p>
<p>"Concern for others’ feelings is one sign of good mental health. "
And a mark of Aspergers is that those with AS don’t have the neurological “wiring” that most people do, and because of this they have a hard time recognizing other peoples feelings and emotions, and thus often dont express empathy , or other socially “correct” responses at appropriate times.
They lack the ability to pick up subtle visual clues that all of us learn naturally, and find it difficult to participate in the back and forth, give and take of normal conversations. Thus it holds no interest to them. They can talk at length about subjects that DO interest them, often not realizing that they are dominating a “conversation”. Aspergers is sometimes called “the little Professor” syndrome, because children with Aspergers can talk on and on and on about a subject, often in very intellectual terms, because they have immersed themselves in learning everything they can about it and can’t wait to share it with others. They have no idea that they are not “socializing properly” or normally, since they can’t pick up the visual clues that their listeners may be signaling…
The correlation of High functioning Aspergers and Hi intelligence is very strong. It was once said that most college professors at a certain Midwest U were probably Aspies, cause their social skills were so bad. Wired magazine had an article about the soaring rate of autism and Aspergers in Silicon Valley, attributed to increasing rate of intermarriages between ‘geeky’ engineers there.</p>
Theoretically, I can hold up such a conversation, but I don’t I could do it for before thinking up some valid excuse to “escape”. Either way, I was always under the impression that most people do not like talking to people who are really faking it. Would you enjoy conversing with someone knowing that they really aren’t interested in anything you have to say, but are continuing the discussion for the sake of “social etiquette”? Wouldn’t most people prefer to speak with people who are genuinely interested in what they have to say? </p>
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I can understand people’s grievances with losing a loved one and can relate, so I’d conclude it is “natural occurring”.</p>
<p>Out of curiosity, how is someone pushing you to agree with them not a bad person? Isn’t this person’s behavior coercive in nature and disrespectful of your ideas/opinions/beliefs and thus, bad? Isn’t that the very sign of an authoritarian-minded person we as freedom loving Americans are taught to never accept without at least questioning? </p>
<p>From what I’ve observed…part of maturity is knowing how to spot coercive people with authoritarian mindsets to either avoid them or if push comes to shove, question/resist them to avoid being a doormat easily taken advantage of others…especially those with authoritarian mindsets. </p>
<p>This is doubly important in many macho-male dominated environments where allowing someone to push their beliefs on you without visible dissent/questioning will cause you to be viewed as a doormat not worthy of respect by others at the very best…and someone to be taken advantage of at the very worst.</p>
<p>“Theoretically, I can hold up such a conversation, but I don’t I could do it for before thinking up some valid excuse to “escape”. Either way, I was always under the impression that most people do not like talking to people who are really faking it. Would you enjoy conversing with someone knowing that they really aren’t interested in anything you have to say, but are continuing the discussion for the sake of “social etiquette”? Wouldn’t most people prefer to speak with people who are genuinely interested in what they have to say?”</p>
<p>I understand that you aren’t personally interested in small talk about the weather, sports, music, the traffic, construction, etc. Do you understand, though, that the vast majority of people do, indeed, personally desire to have some small talk about such topics as part of getting to know people that they work with on projects? That doesn’t mean deep sharing, and it doesn’t mean hours of unproductive conversation - but it could mean a few words over how rainy it’s been lately or how terrible the coffee is in the cafeteria.</p>
<p>I’m very task-oriented and I could easily overlook some of these pleasantries. But with certain of my clients, I can read that they need some of that personal touch. So I make it a point to ask them how their vacation was, how their families are, to remember bits and pieces about them (where they are originally from, etc.). This enables me to be more effective when I need to convince them to do X, because we have established personal rapport. I believe that you seem to think that because <em>you</em> don’t particularly need to establish personal rapport, that others don’t either. And I think you are very mistaken. I’ve worked with tons of super-math-nerds both in school and in my work life, and they still appreciate a sincere “hey! how are you?” or some shared piece of non-work information. One of my clients is a major math nerd, but we bonded because we both liked a particular, somewhat obscure punk rock band. Another client has 3 daughters and I make it a point to bring him little trinkets for his daughters. Yet another client has a wife who suffered a particular rare cancer and appreciates it when I ask about her health. It’s that kind of thing that really goes far with people. It really, really does.</p>
<p>Cobrat, your continued digressions into “macho male environments” (macho males don’t share feelings or go to therapy! macho males don’t let others push them around!) when there has been nothing on this thread to suggest that excessive macho-ness on anyone’s part is even remotely related to the OP’s situation is … really weird. </p>
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<p>Now you’re just getting silly here. This sounds like one of the “TCS” (Taking Children Seriously) parenting philosophies where a parent is never supposed to be coercive, even if that means Johnny doesn’t buckle his seat belt, brush his teeth, or get vaccinated. Because we’re all supposed to fan ourselves with horror at the thought of being called coercive. Well, I call b.s. on that. Maybe it is coercive of the parents – who are supplying him his living arrangements – to insist on seeing a therapist for what is clearly behavior that is far, far out of the norm. Too darn bad. On their dime, they are entitled to, and he can move elsewhere if he doesn’t like it. If my kid exhibits a drinking problem, and I tell him he has to go seek treatment for it, is that “coercive”? You bet it is. It’s also called parenting.</p>
<p>Upthread, someone linked to schizoid personality disorder and others are now talking about Asperger’s. What would be the real difference? They’re sounding similar to me, but I’m not at all knowledgeable about either one.</p>
<p>As was said way upthread, people with Aspergers typically WANT to have social relationships- they just dont know how. On the contrary, people who are schizoid are more comfortable/prefer to avoid social interaction. </p>
<p>From the OPs posts, Aspergers does NOT fit.</p>
<p>I also agree-- please stop with the pop diagnoses. </p>
<p>The OP will not go th therapy because (a) he does not see anything wrong with his choice and is therefore not uncomfortable enough to pursue it, and (b) it involves a “relationship”-- with the therapist, which he shuns.</p>
<p>I’m not sure I’d agree with that considering I’m getting that strong vibe from the OP’s posts based not only on my own experiences as a male adolescent/young adult, but also having attended a NYC math-science magnet public high school with a sizable portion of single-minded math/science nerds who would fit his personality profile to a T in an extremely cutthroat academic environment. </p>
<p>Worse, those subset of students and even a few teachers felt that such single-minded devotion to math/science to the exclusion of “normal socialization” was considered a virtue. Among those types of students, being very social was not only seen as a “waste of time”, but also a sign one is compensating for lack of intellectual chops and thus, “weak” compared to them. In short, with this group…it was nerd pride on steroids. </p>
<p>Wasn’t a part of them and in fact, opposed them vehemently…especially considering I had strong interests in non-math/science areas, was a mediocre student there, and lean more towards the extroverted side of the personality spectrum.</p>
<p>Calmom suggests that the OP should look into an Aspergers diagnosis. I have an Aspie brother and an Aspie son, and two of my best friends have Aspie kids, so I know far more about Aspergers than I wish I had to. I agree with Calmom’s suggestion, and the list of the OP’s traits I posted above is also a list of Aspergers symptoms. But I think that most therapists will suggest that an Aspie learn a little bit more about the social world and how to navigate it than the OP now knows, if only to get past the kind of naivete that leads someone to believe that no one in academia steals credit for another’s work.</p>
That’s just nonsense. People with Asperger’s have a whole variety of different “wants”. That’s like saying “everybody from Philadelphia loves cheesesteak, therefore someone who doesn’t like cheesesteak can’t be from Philadelphia.” </p>
<p>The OP has cited a whole lot of personality traits that are hallmarks of Aspergers. Aspergers is developmental & genetic, and not generally considered a psychiatric disorder requiring “treatment” in adults – and if in fact he fits that definition, it may open the door for him to get more support and understanding both from his parents, and to find resources that would fit his needs. It doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with him, it’s just an explanation as to why he is different than the norm.</p>
<p>OP if you don’t care about anyone’s advice about your lack of friends, why are you still posting? Do you need to justify your state to strangers on the internet so badly? lol</p>
<p>Once again it is the descent into extremes that is so frustrating to me with this thread. Advising someone to socialize is not the same as telling them that they have to be very social.</p>
<p>I’m an introvert, I understand not liking small talk, I understand needing quiet time, I understand the pressures of school and needing to manage time.</p>
<p>But the OP has never had any friends. I find this alarming. This doesn’t sound right and maybe it is just my ignorance but I think the OP should try to get out of his head and interact more with people. Then maybe down the road he’ll make a friend.</p>
<p>Nothing is going to change overnight. I had to force myself to interact more when I was his age. At first it was hard, then it came more naturally, then it was fun. It is a process, it isn’t too late for the OP and I think he should try harder.</p>