<p>I am at the end of my rope trying to get my DD to focus on colleges and plan road trips. I seem to end up doing all the scheduling and planning. What gives? Does anyone else have this problem? Is she trying to tell me something?</p>
<p>What grade is yours in? My S will be a junior and does the bare minimum I ask him to do (his MO on just about anything). Other posters have had some good advice including making sure she/he is doing the essentials, like studying for the SAT. Then with regard to looking into colleges, beginning with discussions of what she/he does NOT want (even if the discussion becomes a bit absurd). Eventually, they begin to consider a bit more what they DO want. If there are certain limitations you must enact (for us the schools are limited to ones that participate in my school’s tuition exchange program), you might begin narrowing the scope for her. </p>
<p>I am hoping that visiting a couple of schools on our list at the end of this month will perk him up a little. I guess we’ll see. </p>
<p>Have you read Crazy U? It would seem this sort of apathy is pretty common.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Thank you for the suggestion about Crazy U. Good advice.</p>
<p>She is going to be a senior this year. We’ve gone on one tour, but there does not seem to be a lot of motivation to organize another. She is not working either. Ugh!</p>
<p>Am I supposed to do all the scheduling if she is not doing it or let her suffer the consequences?</p>
<p>I would have a sitdown with her, and show her the timeline of required activities for senior year. Ask her to come up with a list of colleges, and I would ask her to write next to each school the average scores, average GPA, the application deadlines/score requirements, and why she likes each school. That way she will need to do a little research and she will see where she stands. That way the two of you will make a list of safety, match and reach. I still think it is impossible to ask a kid to investigate financial aid. </p>
<p>Once you have this, it is important to have your DD take on her timeline. Unless the school requires a visit/interview, it may not be necessary to visit. I think that once she gets to school, she will get caught up in the senior year fever. he friends will be at different stages of excitement/planning and it may push her forward. </p>
<p>If she is not applying ED anywhere, she has a little bit more time. </p>
<p>For yourself, breathe! Come vent in the Class of 2012 Parent thread and know that we will make it through.</p>
<p>Thank you MizzBee. Great advice - especially the breathe part!</p>
<p>If it makes you feel any better, I think yours is a very common problem. I had to drag my oldest through the process (now entering junior year in college). She definitely wanted to go away to college so that wasn’t the problem, but she procrastinated everything and did very little research on her own. She would engage when I sat down with her and talked through possible college choices, and really enjoyed the tours we went on (that I organized entirely). But I had to nag relentlessly to get her to finish applications and essays. I think perhaps in her subconscious it was her way of dealing with the fear of the great unknown of life after high school. She ended up choosing a college halfway across the country and has had a terrific first two years, so keep the faith that it will all turn out in the end. The only advice I’d give is to try to stay patient (far easier said than done), and avoid damaging your relationship by turning this into a constant battle. As it turns out, my second kid (rising HS senior) has been right on top of the process with very little prodding from me. So maybe it gets easier the second time around. Good luck!</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, I think this is a first-kid problem.</p>
<p>For the first child in the family, going to college is a trip into uncharted waters, and the whole process seems intimidating.</p>
<p>For later kids, it’s the same old thing that their older brother or sister did. Yawn. Second kids seem to know what they want, and it’s usually either (1) to follow their older sibling to the same college, or (2) to go anywhere that isn’t their older sibling’s college. They have no trouble telling you which.</p>
<p>For us it is definitely not a first kid problem - she took care of almost everything in advance. It’s just who she is.</p>
<p>Second daughter on the other hand is a whole other story! Girlfriend has same situation - her oldest no problem, second, totally disinterested.</p>
<p>What I’ve found is that the kids feed on each other so if you just wait until school starts you should see nice movement.</p>
<p>My S has the same exact problem. I read Crazy U, and he could have been talking about my kid. I’ve done all the research and planning. If I don’t, it won’t get done. There are times when we just drove through campuses to get a look at a school, and S wouldn’t even get out of the car! Eventually he’ll get excited, but for now, he lives in the world of apathy and denial!!</p>
<p>In many schools the GCs and to some extent the teachers start “talking” about college. There may be a parent “college” night and in general kids gear up for the senior fall application cycle. There is just a point of “readiness” for kids and many are just beginning to enjoy not being the youngest kids in the high school…the last thing they are thinking about is “after high school.” Just take it “cool” and do the parent homework, make sure the kids hit the junior essentials like the ACT or SAT and in general get subtly…the kids will eventually get into the groove of thinking about college. There is no real need to rush high school. And it’s true what the poster said about 1st, 2nd and so on. My first took alittle while to get in the groove and we spent waaaay too long talking about colleges no one really needs to spend 3 of the 4 high school years talking about college… number 2 was alittle quicker to get his thoughts out on the table but we didn’t say a word until fall of junior year and now number 3 doesn’t want to discuss it until “it’s time” as he says which is junior spring as far as he is concerned (although I know he’s got ideas.)</p>
<p>I think it’s a lot for a kid to plan the visits all by herself. I’ve done a lot of the research around here, planned the trips, made the arrangements for tours, etc. And I’d describe my D as very self-motivated-- but she’s 17 and doesn’t have a clue about distances or all kinds of things. We talk about it all the time, and she tells me where her thinking is at, what she’s looking for-- I do some research, make arrangements to go see a few places, then we talk through it all again. As the process has gone on she has done more and more of it herself, and now she researches very carefully and writes to admissions officers etc. But she needed to see what I was doing and how it generally works, before she could be proactive on her own.</p>
<p>I think if a kid’s friends are going on tours, talking about college, etc. he or she will get on board. Sophomore year, DD talked about wanting to go to a big uni. I knew that this would be a disaster in terms of how she’s told me she learns. She would totally check out in a large lecture environment – same as her mom! So spring break, I sent her on an organized college tour (no parents) with a friend a year ahead whose mom wanted her to have a buddy along. A visit to UCLA convinced DD that a large uni was not her cup of tea. Mission accomplished.</p>
<p>My kid is fairly independent and will go places where she doesn’t know anyone because she is confident that she will make friends. And she does. I decided I don’t necessarily want her to attend a school where <em>everyone</em> else goes. At our public HS in CA, this means the UCs or CSUs which are underfunded with quickly rising fees – so the total cost is uncertain as well as the ability to graduate within four years. Thus, I have been doing the initial research since she has very little frame of reference. I have run little chunks by her, understanding that her opinions may change:</p>
<p>If you don’t want snow or very little snow, it will probably be a red state. Is that okay with you? Most blue states get snow. Which would you prefer? </p>
<p>Would you go to a LAC that pulls 80% of its students from that state?</p>
<p>Enthusiasm for day trips to schools when her HS was off was increased when she knew her classmates were visiting as well. Same deal when going to college fairs.</p>
<p>I am most concerned about finding an acceptable financial safety, since that would not be a LAC. In Cali, this would be a CSU, and she is adamant about not attending a CSU, so getting her to actually research them is a struggle. I guess having just one is okay.</p>
<p>Things have to percolate in my kid’s head for awhile, so I wanted to start early. I also wanted it to sink in that our family has the two issues of acceptance + affordability; acceptance alone would not be enough. </p>
<p>The next battle will be to get her to focus on her grades. . .So many people have told her what great ECs she have. Yes, but all the ECs in the world won’t make a bit of difference if her grades are mediocre! Not that she listens to me.</p>
<p>My kids were happy with me being charge of road trips and coming up with a big list which they whittled down to a reasonable number. My oldest really focused on where to go once the acceptances were in though he waited till the last day of April to make a decision. My youngest fell in love with his safety, got into a reach EA and waited till the last day of April to make a decision. </p>
<p>I did keep an eye on the deadlines for applications, testing etc., but they were pretty good about doing their part on that front.</p>
<p>One thing I did with youngest is take him to a school I was pretty sure he would hate even though it’s a great school. He did hate it and we were able to cross off a whole category of schools.</p>
<p>Like many of you. I am the planner and organizer but I think to a certain extent, the kids don’t know what the don’t know. </p>
<p>They have no idea all the details to look for and consider in thinking about schools. They aren’t necessarily going to pour over ratings. Once my son went to a couple of schools ( i arranged) it became more clear what this college thing really was about. He then began with definite likes and dislikes. Then I could follow with other choices and why they might be a fit. </p>
<p>I blame our school to a certain extent which I think is rather lame in much of the college info/planning areas. Our GCs are so overwhelmed with pure numbers of students. They planned an info session with parents and students after spring break so duh, no one could benefit from the meeting in making their college visits during the break.</p>
<p>I told my oldest, when facing this problem, that it was fine with me if he didn’t go to college, and that he could work (he was a top student). I also said that I did not want to be in a position of nagging anymore, and that if he scheduled some visits, I would check my schedule and see if I could take him. Then I went out. When I got home, he had gone from apathy to making out a color-coded schedule!</p>
<p>With our youngest, I said the same thing, and she actually did not go to college that next year. She worked and did some art and applied the next year. By that time, she really wanted to go, and it was a whole different ball game.</p>
<p>Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, or a personality type, or ADHD, or illness, or confusion that make it hard for kids to organize any of this. It’s a judgment call. With our middle child, I did a lot more, but she made specific requests (sort of like delegating to me) and also did not complain that I was nagging!</p>
<p>I did all the planning and organizing, too. I don’t think that learning independence and self-reliance means suddenly having to take care of everything for yourself! I also felt that figuring out which colleges even to consider is pretty overwhelming with all the choices out there. I never told my kids where to go, but for the most part, I figured out the universe of schools to choose from, and they were very grateful for that. (except my D with her BFA: she did those schools herself).</p>
<p>My D is a very organized person and a terrific writer, but getting her to do the applications was an ordeal. Don’t underestimate the emotional component and the fact that they are being asked to do things that are very new and uncomfortable. They are used to responding to information, but selling themselves as people?? That’s tough.</p>
<p>A relentless experience of my nagging to get my son on track. Yuch. Had to set firm criteria and deadlines about coming up with a list of colleges. I think it’s a Rorschach of the child’s personality. Some are more passive and some are more of the go-getter types.</p>
<p>My son is extremely passive about all of this. Even his GC told him “I am seriously concerned that you are going to miss all of your college deadlines because you won’t take them seriously!.” And he is not a slacker in school. Ranked 2nd in his class. It’s just this future planning thing. I think that some kids are not developmentally ready to think ahead. They are so focused on the present and cannot think about future consequences. </p>
<p>It puts parents in a tough situation re: how involved to get in the process and when to let kids suffer the consequences from their lack of initiative. I have found that I am trying to let him suffer small consequences that are insignificant and to try to help with the important things. For example, he never studied for his first driving test, and failed, of course. No big deal. He was disappointed. This was a good learning experience about his lack of preparation for things. He never studied for the SATs. Very stubborn about this. He did not do as well as he could have in one of the sections, and now, after a lot of nagging, and realization that he won’t stand a chance at his reach schools, he is willing to study. So we’ll see.</p>
<p>On a very practical side, I have done some organizing to help both of my kids. My daughter, college junior, had lots of ideas where she wanted to apply and was happy to visit. My son, heading fast toward senior year in high school is less interested.</p>
<p>However, for both of them, I set up a file box with a file for each college. Mailings go in the file. Each folder has a check-list grid with important dates and requirements. It worked well for DD. We will see for DS. I think for him, it is not so interesting because his friends are not too motivated either. He also will not have the options his sister had.</p>
<p>I am trying to stay calm and not be too pushy (which really is a challenge). I did organize all the college visit trips for DD. DH is actually taking my son on a couple of college visits!</p>
<p>Is anyone getting the sense that girls are more motivated about this than boys??</p>
<p>I almost feel like S is treating this like “if I don’t think about it, it won’t happen.” I couldn’t even say the word “college” until this year, or I’d get a nasty look! He couldn’t be bothered to sign up for the SAT on time, so we made him pay the late fee. Same thing with the ACT, but we rescheduled that one for a later date instead. Still waiting for the essay his counselor wanted him to write back in May along with his student input form. </p>
<p>I’ve done everything so far, but I am NOT filling out applications!!</p>
<p>Our kids have always had Saturday chores. When our dd hit summer of sophomore year, we told her that in honor of her hard work to earn good grades etc and her stated interest in attending college, we were going to suspend most Saturday chores to give her a block of research time each week. I would help her by being a “research assistant.”. During that time, she could tell me what to do (loved that) and she could do anything she wanted to do (research, plan, write essays,etc.) Each week she and I locked ourselves in the office together for this time. Worked extremely well…</p>