<p>In HS I knew this girl who was friends with all my friends. There were about 180 students in my grade and most of us knew each other since kindergarten. I would see her all the time, at parties, movies, school events, friend's houses, etc. She's a very nice girl but I just never clicked with her.</p>
<p>We both ended up in different colleges in NYC. She always wants to hang out! At first it was nice to have someone nearby (most of our friends left NY), but it's almost the end of our frosh year and she's still so clingy. Her college is in the Bronx and the students there love to hang out downtown in Manhattan, and she works about 5 mins away from my school, so she drops by all the time (we have no campus so anyone can stroll in). She usually calls me several times a week to make plans, which I often evade by pretending I work more hours than i do. I think she reads my FaceBook wall and finds out what I'm doing - like my friend left a comment asking what time we're seeing I Love You, Man and then she called me and said she's been dying to see it, so I asked if she wanted to come to be polite. Little things like this have been happening all year. She also drops by at parties at my college sometimes, she really likes it here - she got rejected ED in HS and I don't think she likes the Bronx a lot. </p>
<p>I'm too much of a polite pussy to sever our friendship in a swift stroke so instead I basically flake on our plans constantly and say i'm busy, but she hasn't taken the hint. College ends May 12th and then we're in the same hometown til August 31st so we'll be seeing each other a lot (same group of friends) so it would be REALLY awkward if I "dumped" her cause I'll still see her constantly around town for over 3 months. </p>
<p>What do I do? I can't talk to my old friends about this cause they like her, my college friends think she's annoying and tell me to dump her.</p>
<p>Oh sorry I should clarify - they didn’t tell me to dump her out of the blue, I asked them for advice and they basically told me to be up front and ditch her. The thing is, this girl is really nice, sweet, quiet, a bit sensitive, and a little clueless. I feel like I’m about to slap a puppy in the face. </p>
<p>Also, if I do “dump her”, well I’ll be in my hometown between mid-May and end of August, that’s 3.5 months we’re I’ll run into her constantly. It’s a small community and all my friends are good friends with her, usually when I hang out with them she’s often there.</p>
<p>“It’s cool that we ended up in the same city, but I just can’t hang out with you today [or tomorrow or whenever she wants to do something]. I have plans.” Or alternatively, “I need some ‘me’ time” or “I just don’t feel like doing anything” or “I have to study.” You can follow this up with “How about we watch a movie/hang out [insert a date one or two weeks from the present.]” Hopefully this will stop her from calling until YOU want to do something (in a couple weeks, not every other day.)</p>
<p>Naturally, what you described is good advice, but it’s similar to what I’ve been doing…except I often tell her I’m at work later than I actually am. The other problem is she works right by NYU so she’ll drop by sometimes spontaneously, i’ll literally run into her in the park or she’ll call me and ask where I am (I assume she’s in her college) and I’ll tell her i’m studying or something and she’s like, “Oh, I’m in the Village, I’ll come to the library to find you!” (this has happened twice) and then I’m trapped because she’s already here (damn this school for not having an enclosed campus lol :D). </p>
<p>I do like her, she’s just kind of boring to be around sometimes and generally clingy (Oh, you have to go to the bathroom? I’ll come with! Oh you’re getting a drink? I’m thirsty too!)</p>
<p>You know what I’d do? I’d not sever the friendship or something like that. I’d instead try to be forthright and say not that you think she’s this clingy, annoying thing, but sort of hang out with her once, and when you find things awkward about your relationship, <em>POINT THEM OUT</em> in a friendly way. “Oh <em>__, why must you always do </em>?” </p>
<p>I don’t think going “You’re a clingy brat, and I’m sorry, I just don’t have time for you” doesn’t do the situation justice, however much you may be justified in getting frustrated.</p>
<p>Perhaps you could try saying that it’s fun to hang out with her, but you’re worried that she isn’t making many other friends. Or hint that she should join more clubs, etc. at her school. I’m not too good at doing that sort of thing myself, but if she mentions some activity she likes, say something about how your school has a club for that and ask if hers does. Also, if there’s any way to introduce her to more people, that might help, because it seems like she’d be a lot easier to be around if only she were more spread out among people.</p>
<p>you’re right mathboy, i’d feel too mean and awkward being so blunt like that. it’s not that she does anything in particular to annoy me, she’s very nice. I think the reason she follows me around when we go places is because we’re usually downtown at events with people from my college where she doesn’t know anyone but me.</p>
<p>upsilamba, she does have 3 college friends she’s very close to, sometimes we all hang out together (my friends and her friends) except I think she’s picked up on the fact I hate her friends because i never talk to them (they’re those exclusive asian-types that speak chinese to each other and giggle knowing full well I can’t understand them). She’s involved in Badminton and Orchestra and has a job, so she doesn’t rely on me for a life.</p>
<p>I think I’ll stick with what Proton said and just keep flaking til she gets the hint, she must eventually, right? But she never did in HS for some reason. But I’ll try to be a little more honest with her from now on. thanks everyone.</p>
<p>^^ Yeah and even better, if you find that there are aspects to her company that just don’t work for you, try to work on them with her a little. Flaking obviously seems not to be getting the point across. There’s a class of people that just won’t get it, just like there’s the class of people who’ll give up on you if you flake even minimally! </p>
<p>For instance, if she talks about something you just don’t know much about, or aren’t in touch with, try to tell her that. If someone started talking politics with me, I’d instantly go that hey, I am just not into that stuff, something else please. Everyone who knows me is very clear on what things make me zone out, and so people who “don’t click” with me as much tend to at least try to talk about something other than my least favorite points of conversation.</p>
<p>I think this is the best advice so far. Introduce her to some more people at your college, see if she likes them more than you. Maybe they might like her back and she’ll ditch you!</p>
<p>There are some things that stick out to me. One, that she got rejected ED to this school that you’re at. Two, you two went to the same high school. In a previous environment where everyone knew each other, it must be hard for her to now be in a completely new environment with different people. She’s clinging on to you because you’re associated with her familiar past, and even if you two weren’t best buddies, she feels more comfortable with you. In effect, you’re kind of like a safety blanket.</p>
<p>Have you talked to her about how she feels about this school she’s at? I think there are deeper issues here. Why not sit down and have a serious conversation about her circumstances? Is she not making a lot of friends at her own school, or is she just not clicking with people? Maybe you could offer her some advice about transferring or making new friends.</p>
<p>I think this is the best advice so far. Introduce her to some more people at your college, see if she likes them more than you. Maybe they might like her back and she’ll ditch you!</p>
<p>There are some things that stick out to me. One, that she got rejected ED to this school that you’re at. Two, you two went to the same high school. In a previous environment where everyone knew each other, it must be hard for her to now be in a completely new environment with different people. She’s clinging on to you because you’re associated with her familiar past, and even if you two weren’t best buddies, she feels more comfortable with you. In effect, you’re kind of like a safety blanket.</p>
<p>Have you talked to her about how she feels about this school she’s at? I think there are deeper issues here. Why not sit down and have a serious conversation about her circumstances? Is she not making a lot of friends at her own school, or is she just not clicking with people? Maybe you could offer her some advice about transferring or making new friends.</p>
<p>if you flake on her she’ll just start resenting you and believing you’re a crappy friend, she won’t think it’s something she did…you’re probably better off being honest - “hey i like you and all but i need some alone time, thanks”</p>
<p>There are lots of web resources you can find on being more assertive. You can also talk to one of the counselors at your school about it.</p>
<p>Actually having this happen is a GOOD thing for you. It gives you a chance (along with the need) to learn assertiveness skills, which means standing up for yourself and not just being obnoxious. You’ll need these later in life at work, in talking with your spouse, etc. </p>
<p>And you need to develop those skills; the passive-aggressive approach you’re using so far isn’t working. Think of it this way – you’re worried about hurting her feelings, but is she worried that’s she’s imposing on your time? That she’s a borderline stalker who tracks you down on campus, in libraries, etc? No, she’s not. So you need to come up with a way of setting limits w/o burning your bridges with common friends back home.</p>
<p>Well she seems like she is a friend of yours, though almost an unwanted friend. First you probably should come to the understanding, which friendship is more important… the friends at your college, or her. Once you decided there, if you decided she is the more important friend of yours… then start to include her purposely so your view towards her doesn’t become unwanted, odd etc… Though if your friends you met freshmen year is more important then clearly you should somehow let her now that both of you hanging out as is, can not countinue. </p>
<p>Try to somehow include your self in a activity/ outting with her friends in the Bronx. See who they are ( if any) etc… If you feel like doing so, on first activity or outting with her friends of the Bronx sorta put yourself in her position, and say what you wish she would say to you.
Example: You, her and her friends from the Bronx are all eating before next destination. As you planned earlier to countinue on other desitination, change your mind and sorta explain.
“Uh, you know " her name” actually I’m not going to go. Like ( this may be a bad example, but may be able to use one like such) it’s college, and I’m sure your trying to explore, and meet other friends without always trying to entertain a friend from high school. I mean ofcourse not all the time you probably wouldn’t want me around, but… well yeah I’m going to leave… need to do homework anyway."</p>
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<p>If that doesnt work, if she calls and ask what was that about… or say you even call her and tell her what that was about mention… how you sorta got that feeling when you was hanging out with her, and you wouldn’t want her to get that feeling either. It’s college, lets have fun, eventhough we are high school friends we don’t need to hang out with each other all the time. Perhaps I’ve changed some from high school and now. Don’t think I’m not trying to hang out with you though, but you know…?</p>
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<p>Lol yeah I know it’s a lot, would do some editing but oh well.</p>
<p>Oh yeah forgot to include, if she calls soon after and instead ask you about hanging out… ( if you feel she is still being to clingy just say) Oh yeah about the last time I spoke to you, I really meant what I said… and me and ( names, etc… I don’t) have plans, going to… Though thanks for asking/ inviting.</p>
<p>You guys are right, I need to be more assertive but also without hurting her feelings. To be honest, a lot of this is me being selfish because if she’s mad at it will make things incredibly awkward over the summer and I don’t want her telling all our friends i’ve turned into some kind of b_tch in college and dumped my lifetime friends for some kids i’ve known a couple months. </p>
<p>Like I said, she has friends, at least 3 close ones who she spends a lot of time with (I’ve hung out with them before and didn’t really click with them). She’s in the Orchestra and Badminton team and has a job, so she’s involved in activities. I don’t know why she likes me so much. I feel like around her, I’m more dull maybe since i’m a little bored by her, but she says I’m really funny and witty (note to self: be more boring). </p>
<p>Ok I’m seeing her this weekend so I think I’ll try to talk to her then, although not directly because we’ll be with a couple other people and will be in a group the whole time. I don’t know, it’s so awkward I don’t know how to do it. It’s like breaking up with a boyfriend and then knowing he’ll date your other friends and be around constantly.</p>
<p>Lol, I have a friend JUST like this.
She’s the kind of girl that I purposely didn’t take with me to go dress shopping because she’d say that she likes everything.</p>
<p>You realize that your friend is socially awkward, so be easy on her – she doesn’t know any better. Next time she wants to hang out, tell her that you can’t because you’re busy but will call her when you can do it (and actually CALL if you still want her as a semi-friend!). If she just drops in to visit you, tell her that it’s not the best time to come in when you’re trying to work on something, but offer to make plans for later. Just make sure that you follow through on your word if you do that.</p>
<p>If you want to get rid of her as a friend altogether but don’t want to tick off your home friends, be completely honest with her. But, be prepared for the consequences… you can’t control how your other friends are going to react, ya know?</p>