<p>My son is going to U this fall, he recently acquires a girl friend and she is planning to go to the same U. This makes me very suspicious of his insistence of going to this particular school. My son actually gets admitted to other better colleges. But he insists that he wants to study to the school of his likings and he will be more comfortable there. So the 64K question is how we can communicate and keep his educational goal in place and not get sidetrack by this "girl friend" things.</p>
<p>There was a big thread about someone with your problem.
It was first posted by zooper1 on 04-03-2007 at 06:41 AM #1</p>
<p>The thread is titled:</p>
<p>"What to do about the girlfriend?"</p>
<p>If you read it, you'll get some advice that might help.</p>
<p>Thanks playing3tuitions</p>
<p>That said, I see your S is already going there and so is she. So it's a "done" decision. </p>
<p>You want to know more about how to communicate and keep him on track with his education. I don't think you can manage his time in detail, but I know that when I was in school (back in the day!) I took a lot of signals from which questions my parents asked me. I figured that they asked about mattered to them. </p>
<p>So, without commenting or inquiring about the girl, you could focus all your questions on what he's LEARNING (not what marks he's getting) in the classes. Get excited about what he's reading, but don't send him more to read.</p>
<p>If he's dorky like some of my kids, ask him if he'd like to email home some favorite papers that he's proud of, because you love to read them! Then, never criticize ANYTHING (his professors will do enough of that) but maybe email back some idea that it stimulated in you. If that fizzles, then drop it. I was advised early on by Deans that kids generally don't like to talk about their courses as they do plenty of that already. Actually, they most enjoy hearing updates from home: how's the dog, the bossy neighbor, the little brother/sister.</p>
<p>I have a lot of suggestions that only have merit if your S is already dedicated to making the most out of the extracurricular offerings at the college that are academic and cultural:</p>
<p>Most colleges have visiting lecturers in every department, and you don't have to be a major to go to them. ALso, student produced plays, concerts, modern dance programs, etc. </p>
<p>So, check the "Events" of the college website and if you notice a good academic speaker visiting, just write a quick email, "Headsup, look who's coming to your campus." Do NOT grill him, "did you go" or "didn't you go" but instead just say, "Wow. I am SO impressed that a person of this quality is coming to speak. You are so lucky there." And leave it at that.</p>
<p>Our kids never minded us getting excited about advertised events but they wouldn't have liked it if we "expected" them to attend. Their schedules and choices are their own.</p>
<p>But we did have ONE quiet talk with each one before they left about what a rare gift these years are, and that we hoped they'd try to attend as many of the speakers, concerts and so on as they could. "You'll never have more opportunity, and at the built-in cost of 'free' to you, to hear people of this calibre again. We hope you'll really try to take advantage. Think about it..."</p>
<p>My H taught me to end every conversation with "think about it..." which goes over very well. In the end, you can't make them do anything but you can invite them to consider their decisions.</p>
<p>You notice I've said nothing about discussing the day-to-day of going to classes, doing their readings, and taking the tests. We instead tried to let them know that we hoped they'd use all the intellectual resources outside of class, and left the classwork decisions up to them.</p>
<p>We always asked, with authentic keen interest, "which courses are you going to sign up for?" and read the course catalogue descriptions, praising them about how interesting they sounded.</p>
<p>We gave a small cash gift to each one at the beginning of freshman year, to be used ONLY for concert tickets, cultural events, plays on campus or nearby in the city. It could also be a rock concert with friends. But not to buy burgers or clothes. We said that our only regret (this is true) was that when we were in college we didn't go to enough of those events because of the ticket prices. How we wished we could redo it. Since we can't, we're giving this to them. That seemed to move them. </p>
<p>For our D, we even ran into her freshman roommate's parents and together bought a
concert subscription series ticket for both of them, so they could sit together on the same evening. If you go to freshman orientation and happen to meet another parent, see if they'd be interested. </p>
<p>So with all this positive reinforcement about the academics, he'll surely know that's what you value. And pretty much be silent about the girlfriend, b/c you're likely to criticize her and doesn't that usually backfire? Think about it...
;)</p>
<p>Oh- one more idea: the universities usually have nice departments in Theater, Music and Dance. You might encourage him not only to ATTEND, but to think about trying out for a part, or help backstage. </p>
<p>Check out those departments on the university website and bring that to his attention, too. College isn't only courses. He can always find out the show dates, the auditions and the calls for backstage volunteers.</p>
<p>Theater is a lot of fun and learning, to help out on a team effort like this. Helping on the lighting, sound, props etc. is always welcomed. It doesn't necessarily distract from academics. It brings one to meet many new people, not because he's at a party but because all are working together on a task. There's one cast party but not constant partying. </p>
<p>These rehearsals organize his evening time so he's busy, maybe too busy to party. Usually rehearsals are in the evenings and the productions are all on Friday, Saturday nights.
If the girlfriend doesn't join the interest, oh well. Maybe he'll meet somebody new by carrying around the stage props.</p>
<p>You may be worrying needlessly. Sometimes boys with girlfriends actually do better in school, as they already have what some boys spend a lot of time trying to acquire! If she is a good student and a supportive person, even better.
Then, sometimes kids break up, get their heart broken, and a grade or two may slip. I wouldn't be too concerned at this point. If he is used to doing well, a girl in his life won't change that.</p>
<p>When talking to your son while he's at college make informative statements about your life rather than ask questions about his. This will trigger his memory of recent events. If you ask questions he will fill like he's being grilled. This is the technique my mother used on me.</p>
<p>Also, make sure that your son knows that you are available to provide suggestions on how to handle the practical details of life. Just in the last week, my son has e-mailed me about 1) a problem with his landlord, 2) questions about getting a new eyeglass prescription (he didn't know whether eye examinations are covered by our insurance and whether he would need to make an appointment in advance), and 3) questions about allergy medicine. Not only were we able to settle these practical matters, we also had the opportunity to talk about other things. </p>
<p>I think it also helps to be flexible. Your son is likely to contact you about changes in plans -- "I think it would be more convenient to transfer my bank account to the branch here on campus rather than having it at home." "I want to switch to a different meal plan because my schedule doesn't allow time for lunch three days a week." "I want to get the dorm room phone turned off and use the money for other things; my cell phone is all that I need." Say yes to these things as much as possible. It's his life, after all, and if he knows that you won't automatically have a negative response, he's likely to continue to discuss matters with you when more important issues come up -- like changing his major or moving off campus.</p>
<p>Paying 3-
Thank you for some of the best advice I have ever read on CC. My son will start college this fall but has been out of the country for the past year. After reading your post, I can absolutely understand where I could have done a much better job. I'm going to read and re-read this over the summer. Well done!</p>
<p>Friend's daughter and BF went to same school, both are doing great and still together after completing two years. Both very happy, love their school, and made many new friends. It can be good (at least for 2 years).</p>
<p>Maybe you should have that "talk" about the birds and the bees? </p>
<p>I would think you'd have no problem communicating with your child. After all, you already done it for almost two decades. Your on this site so you understand the internet, so email shouldn't be a problem and most cell phone plans have a national plan that makes long distance inexpensive. So communication really isn't the issue is it? It's the girlfriend..right?</p>
<p>Have the financial sex talk before he leaves. Ask about his goals in school, and remind him if he doesn't wrap that rascal, his career plans are going to do a 180. The more you try to interfere with the possibility he and his gf will have sex in college, the more they will shag like rabbits. Just remind him to be responsible and let it go. </p>
<p>I know this sounds mean spirited but, I don't think the issue is communication between you and junior. It the other woman in his life and her not being good enough for him.</p>
<p>Mean spirited ?? Not at all, although the combo of "wrap that rascal" followed by "shagging like rabbits" caused an explosion of iced tea on my monitor.</p>
<p>Carry on, need to grab some paper towels</p>
<p>"no glove, no love"</p>
<p>Woody, thanks but y'know I also learned a lot from A.S.A.P., Mardad and Marian's posts right below mine. Short and sweet, with fewer invasive questions. I rely on questions but they are suggesting some of the same lines of discussion, yet using "I" statements.
Sometimes all my questions can be irritating. But since I've raised my kids on them, they're used to it. I don't question to "grill" but as a schoolteacher learned to ask "questions that cause a kid to ask themselves more questions; to go in upon themselves."
Try different things. Your kid is lucky to have you on-board.
My college grad son tells me the saddest kids at college were those whose p[arents were indifferent to them. That's worse than asking or talking wrong.</p>
<p>Thanks playing3tuitions and everyone for your ideas and suggestions.<br>
If I do not mis-taken, this GF seems to have a slight positive impact on my S. Since he never mentions about Pharmacy school, but in convincing us to let him to go to this school, he reasons that he can get and keep a higher gpa in this U, and hence has a better chance to go to pharmacy. Actually long time ago, we've been talking to him about the medical careers that he should persue, but he never have any interest in it. Since the GF is studying Pre-med or Chemistry, I am just thinking may be she talks him into it, I have no idea if this is true or if this is good or bad. But we've been talking more on the requirements for Pharmacy school and things related to it than before. I always convey a very positive response on his educational goals, if I see something is right I will try to reinforce it, I hope he gets the message.
And regarding the bird and the bees, I am planning to talk it over to him, I will let him know "sex" will have consequences, and cite some of my friends' kids as examples for him, and just try to have an impact on him, hope this works.</p>
<p>"sex" will have consequences"</p>
<p>Remember though it's not emotional sex issues... it's the math. </p>
<p>It costs to produce and care for babies. It can cost careers, it can cost support payments, it can lead to early divorce settlements.</p>
<p>Math sometimes is far more effective than talking about love or std's. The "CPA's sex talk".... get someone pregnant and your balance sheet will suffer. </p>
<p>Believe me, it's a fairly effective conversation.</p>
<p>For me, one son's gf had no effect on his grades, life, interests. The other son was tipped right out of his boat by the intense drama with the gf.</p>
<p>You won't know until you know, tom.</p>
<p>I talked to both boys very frankly about sex and the rates of protection offered by 'the glove'--not that high against pregnancy. I talked about out-of wedlock children born to his uncles before the age of 21. I talked about the pill. His father should have given these speeches but he's shy and I'm not. Anyway, both sons survived those talks and I can sleep at night. Win win.</p>
<p>On of my frequent topics of conversation is about what makes a great life-mate. Forget college, the spouse choice is the critical choice in life. Choose a high-maintenance spouse and your son will spend 24/7 leaping over obstacles trying to make her happy. Unhappy women can take up a man's whole life--and vica versa.</p>
<p>Choose a highly capable, highly compatible spouse--and he will get the chance pursue the adventures in his dreams.</p>
<p>My father gave me some important advice when I was 21. I didn't think I was listening to him--but it turned out I was--and I followed his advice--and avoided marrying a man who has subsequently had six different partners/wives. Even if your son doesn't appear to listen--don't assume he ahsn't absorbed the advice anyway.</p>
<p>Read Helms Lee's thread titled "We Miss Him Maybe He doens't Miss Us?</p>
<p>Currently, there are 2 things I am worry about base on this situation. First, I hope I can keep in touch with him in a supportive way, and ensure he will be concentrating on his goal. After reading Helms Lee threats, (thanks cheers) I have some ideas. Second is the "sex" thing, I sure need to have a very frank talk with my S. May be I am worry too much, but a frank talk on this subject is warrant.</p>