<p>I think your situation is not uncommon. My D left school without telling us to tour with a band. Because it was midsemester and she hadn’t withdrawn she receive Fs in several classes. She too was in her sophomore year. It took a couple of years before she was ready to go back to school but when she did she got her AA at a community college (had to bring her GPA up) and ended up graduating in music from a highly respected Big Twelve program. Yes we were upset and yes it was very hard on several levels but it will not be the end of the world.
We found out from a letter she mailed us and it was not ideal but in retrospect we could say all of the hurtful things among my husband and self. Then we had a cooler head when eventually talking with her. She had several job offers within 6 weeks of graduating so I am now a believer in there are many paths. Some easier than others. Good luck. I recommend the letter approach.</p>
<p>I would advise you not to tell them that you plan to use the money you earned to travel this summer. If you were my kid and plan on living at home while you are working, I would expect you to pay for room and board. I would be upset to hear you plan on living at home for free and take the money to travel. If I am really mad, I may demand ask you to pay me back for the tuitions I have paid.</p>
<p>Your parents will most likely be mad and shocked. You should be prepared to be yelled at. Try not to be too defensive and let them have their say. Once they’ve calmed down then tell them what’s your plan to fix the situation.</p>
<p>I don’t know how you (OP and parents) ended up at this point (your parents never asked to see your grades for 3 semesters?), but it is a tough situation. I hope it works out for all of you.</p>
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<p>I’m sorry to say this, but I don’t think you’ve grown up yet. You still have a long way to go. I don’t think you should plan on going back to school of any kind until you do. </p>
<p>Normal people without any skills don’t “get a full time job during this spring semester” and “save up for some traveling this summer”. They have to pay for living expenses and there is little left over. You have this entitlement mentality where you think that your parents will just support you. </p>
<p>I think you need to live on your own resources until you grow up. Once you’ve experienced actually having to take care of yourself, you might be in a better position to consider higher education. </p>
<p>I think you need to have a face-to-face with your parents and offer what I’ve suggested (total self-reliance). You certainly shouldn’t expect any more financial support from them.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>I would suggest, if you work for the semester, NOT to spend it on travelling, but giving it (or part of it) to your parents as a small token for housing you and for paying OOS tuition for you for three semesters. </p>
<p>Write your letter ahead of time but READ it to them. Do not just drop the letter and run. Preface it by saying “Mom, Dad, I’ve done something really bad and I need your help to get out of the mess I’ve created. I know it’s my fault and I take responsibility for my failure. I know you will be hurt, disapointed, and angry, and I deserve it, but I will need your help and love to figure out how to move past this.” Indicate you’ve failed several classes, that the university has asked you to take a leave of absence. That you know you have had problems and that they worsened in college so this semester you will try to get back on your feet and earn back their trust. Explain how you’re going to achieve that. Expect fireworks and try not to run, not to reply in anger, and accept their help.</p>
<p>Wait, I can’t feel sorry for you because I stopped feeling sorry for you when you said that now, you want to work full time and use that money to travel. </p>
<p>As an entitled child:
You let your problems fester, and ignored an important correspondence from your university, so you didn’t face the problem and take action.
Your parents asked you about your grades and you lied about your grades.
You let your parents pay for your lackluster efforts at a university without feeling guilty or remorseful until the problem came full face.
You ** THINK that finding a job will be easy and will use those monies, not to repay your parents and feel guilty about living at home, but to ** TRAVEL. If my kid tried to pull this on me, I would charge full rent!
*You think that by giving them a letter, that’s okay?? You don’t think they’ll know there is already a problem if you hand them a letter? They will already know because the university bill hasn’t arrived or been paid. They’re waiting for you to MAN UP.</p>
<p>How self-indulgent and immature can you be? Now you’re on CC hoping that strangers will find an easier way for you to face your parents.</p>
<p>You can’t face your parents because you LIED and tried to cover it up! This is the part that would make me extremely angry. No wonder you didn’t do well in high school and college. You use lying to get by and guess what, you got busted.</p>
<p>BE honorable and face your parents. YOU OWE THEM THAT!</p>
<p>Face to face, then followed by a letter. Because you may learn something in the conversation. Something that causes you to reflect further. </p>
<p>The average first year student in the U.S. today is 24.8 years old. You are way ahead of schedule! But you need to learn to be honest, and to repair your relationship with your parents (which is already very broken.)</p>
<p>Maybe write it down so that you will know what you want to say.</p>
<p>Why did you even go to school, especially an OOS school? You see now that it was obviously a mistake but what was your thought process before? If you didn’t have a reason them don’t return until you have one. Being allowed to return in fall isn’t reason enough to do that. Enough people do college discontinuously that it’s fine if you take time to do it. I graduated high school in 2009 and there’s still people I graduated with taking a class a semester at CC.</p>
<p>If you really don’t want to face your parents, you could just leave a note and leave. Go find a job somewhere (you can probably find a minimum wage job - that shouldn’t be too hard, but it’s not much of a lifestyle) and don’t ask for anything from them again. But if you’re going to be dependent on them the “leave a note and leave” is probably not the way to go. If I was a parent, even if I had 100M I’d still be angry about the lying, even if the money doesn’t matter.</p>
<p>As for how you should face them should you choose that path, I’m not a great wordsmith but I’d try and be sincere and open about it. Keep one thing in mind though, outside of school life isn’t broken up into semesters. You don’t work in winter and travel in summer. Even if that we’re viable, would you travel alone? Your friends are likely to have other stuff going on. Whatever you do, I think you need to think more deeply about what you’re gonna do.</p>
<p>Sorry, but you’ve made quite a mess out of the whole thing. That baseball bat over your head from the college (in the form of academic probation) didn’t seem to have much of an effect. Grow up!!! Face your parents and tell them to their face what you’ve done. Be prepared for the worst. </p>
<p>A gap year!!! Working to make money to travel!!! You need to “find” yourself!!! You’ve got to be kidding!!! </p>
<p>My cousin (whom I was close to) did the same thing you did. Well, his dad told him he was thru paying for any kind of further education (and he was). He used his influence to find my cousin at job at his company (but in a different city); at the lowest of low levels. Not quite the janitor, but a slight step above. My cousin worked that job for a year or two before he finally figured out he was better than that. He then worked and paid his own way thru college. In the end, my cousin did well because he wanted to do so. You should be so lucky.</p>
<p>I’d feel differently if you were man enough to admit your problems when they started (and it seems that it could have been in high school). Then, there are all kinds of people and resources to help you. But you decided to deceive yourself and your parents. So, as the old expression goes: “You’ve made your bed, now you must lie in it”.</p>
<p>The OP probably isn’t going to comment since she’s been (rightly) harshly criticized.</p>
<p>but if she’s still reading, then:</p>
<p>Don’t work and spend the money on travel.</p>
<p>Offer to work and give 2/3 of earnings to parents to start paying them back. (You’ll need the 1/3 to pay for gas and basic necessities) You probably can’t make a dent into what they spent, but you need to make amends. And, you need to feel the realities of how money shouldn’t be wasted and that your parents worked hard for the money and opportunities that you squandered.</p>
<p>Your parents are likely going to be VERY upset because you didn’t come clean after the first semester and continued to waste their money. </p>
<p>There isn’t a good way to address that, so you need to validate their anger…that is VERY important. Don’t just say, “I’m sorry.” You need to say something like, "You are right to be very angry and disappointed with me. I was very wrong to lie over and over again, and to waste your hard earned money. I am very sorry. This is what I plan to do to start regaining your trust: Work full time and give you 2/3 of my take home pay. On my days off, I will take care of myself (laundry/cleaning) and do some chores around the house. " (you can add other things as well.)</p>
<p>You have some serious penance to do…so think about what those things can be.</p>
<p>If I were your parent I would be wondering why you have been feeling you could not come to me. I would be thinking I had somehow mishandled the relationship. However, it may be that you have just been in denial about all this.</p>
<p>I think a letter followed by face to face or just a face to face would be good.</p>
<p>You might offer to see a therapist or get some other kind of help and let them know you have had your head in the sand and now want to really do something about it.</p>
<p>The discussion here is very focused on your academic failure, because that’s what you focus on, but you mention personal issues in passing. I’m wondering if those personal issues aren’t the bigger demon to face down. Whatever those personal issues are, they are clearly serious enough for you to require some professional help. Don’t let the discussion with your folks be about the symptoms - the academic failure and subsequent lying. Make sure it’s about how you ended up making so many self-destructive choices, and how you learn to make better choices.</p>
<p>I’ve been the parent in this situation, not very long ago. Here is my advice</p>
<p>First of all, all is not lost. Your life (and relationship with them) is not over. It really isn’t, no matter how it feels. </p>
<p>Just tell them. Do it in person. Say something like you need to talk, it’s going to upset them. You are sorry for what you have done. And then say you lied, you have been suspended. I found out on the phone, and my very first thought was “Oh no, he’s going to kill himself” and on the way to pick him up (a 20 min drive) I just prayed that I would say the right thing. First words I said were “I am so sorry you have been carrying this around all alone”. We cried a lot. For lots of reasons. But it turned out okay.</p>
<p>THEN, you decide together what to do. Do you want to finish? Do you want to take a break? Do you not even know, yet? Do you want to live at home? Do they want you to? </p>
<p>For you, and your parents, it is good to take a week or so to adjust to the New Normal. And then keep talking, until you reach something that works for you. Paying “back” the tuition or not is between you guys. There is no right or wrong. (Our son didn’t, but when he decided to go back, he paid for that) </p>
<p>They love you. They will feel hurt and/or angry and sad and worried – but they love you. You’ve known all along – they are just finding out. But when the shock wears off, it can really truly still be okay. It is better to live a true life than a lie. You are not a bad person for getting into this situation, nor are you doomed to failure. Hang on, and be well.</p>
<p>I admit, I was about to cry just reading your post and thinking about being the one to have this conversation with my parents or being the parent receiving this news. And as parent, I would want to hear that you have given this situation some thought regarding the issues (personal and academic) that caused it. BUT, along with other posters, I would caution you against comments like, I needed to find myself and, I might do some traveling this summer. </p>
<p>I agree that writing a letter or somehow organizing your thoughts but then speaking to your parents in person is the way to go. Starting out by saying, “It’s really hard for me to tell you this, but I’ve been having a lot of problems at school.” is much better than blurting out, “I flunked out of college, so I plan to work and then maybe do some traveling.” Good luck and take care!</p>
<p>OP - This is a tough situation. But as said above, your parents really do love you. Hopefully you’ve already talked with them. If not, please do so soon.</p>
<p>You just have to cowboy-up and tell them. Understand that they love you and want to help you. (That is why it was a mistake to hide this from them.) They can help you.</p>
<p>You mentioned other issues. More likely than not these other issues are affecting you in a manner that negatively impacts you ability to focus on you r woek and manage your time. Ask your parents for their help in confronting those other issues.</p>
<p>Make a promise to yourself that, after a break, you will finish your degree.</p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>As it happens, I sat with friends of ours a few days ago, whose child had had pretty much exactly this conversation with them two days before. They were shellshocked . . . and in this case they had known perfectly well about many of the child’s issues, but had thought the child was handling things successfully because the child had told detailed, elaborate lies.</p>
<p>On that basis, here are a few things for the OP to think about, that may help negotiate the rocky road ahead:</p>
<p>-- It’s not all about the child. In my friends’ case, the child’s revelation was profoundly threatening to both parents, because it was going to force them to reconcile differences between them that they had never really resolved – attitudes towards discipline, therapy, education. </p>
<p>Few things can put more stress on a marriage than a child in serious trouble. Like it or not, the OP may be putting the parents’ marriage and happiness at risk. Two things follow from that: First, some of the blowback the OP gets from the parents will stem from their panic and fear about their own relationship, not from anything having to do with the OP. So don’t take everything personally; be understanding. Second, recognize that your parents may have different positions, and that’s not a good thing, not good at all. You have to resist the temptation to play one against the other – that may help you win a battle or two, but it is an excellent way to lose the war, and really lose it bigtime. Help your parents be united; that will serve you well in the long run.</p>
<p>-- Remember, you have been dealing with this for a long time, and getting it out will be a relief to you. They are going to need time to process, and relief for them will be a long way off.</p>
<p>-- My friends both came from a place of absolute, 100% love for their child . . . and yet they had lots and lots of harsh things to say. You have to expect that. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It does mean they are really, really hurt, in part because they DO love you and you are telling them that you haven’t been loving them back so much. (Don’t deny it; lying is not a form of love.)</p>
<p>-- It is a temptation for everyone to focus on something like finishing college successfully. I think that’s not really the goal. The real goal is to have the child be happy, stable, and self-supporting – college is one way to get there, but not the only way, and in this case it hasn’t been working. Focus on the real goal, not the phony one.</p>
<p>Great post JHS.</p>
<p>I am sorry for all the (vicarious?) anger on here. We don’t know the whole story with the family. I am reserving judgment and hope things work out. I agree that finishing college is often a “phony” goal and hope this family can ultimately encourage that kind of flexibility in thinking. To OP, you are young. Things really can work out over time, so don’t despair.</p>
<p>As for travel: I did a “gap year” before the term was coined. Worked in a factory and, yes, traveled. It led to a lot more clarity, some great connections and didn’t cost my parents anything. Students today live in a global culture and travel is important to many. There are affordable ways to travel, including WOOF’ing, couch surfing and airbn. Go for it before you are encumbered by other obligations!</p>
<p>Make a promise to yourself that, after a break, you will finish your degree.</p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>Op, don’t forget that if you took out any Direct loans for school, those will need to start being paid back in about 6 mos…</p>