HS valedictorian, had a mental breakdown, haven’t been to college yet, seeking advice

Parent Cafe
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I’m sorry if this is not the correct forum for this topic; I didn’t see any sections that fit well, but I wanted to talk to people specifically on CC. The reason I opted for the parents forum? Life experience mostly: something I don’t come into contact with as often as I’d like. Frankly, I just don’t know who to talk to. I don’t have friends, I can’t afford therapy, and my parents don’t want to get into any of this. Excuse me if it seems like I am pleading victimhood; I am not a victim, and believing such doesn’t seem to provide any utility.

I’ll try to condense this behemoth of a story into something that is neither too time-consuming to read or too light on important details. Alas, writing is not my strong suit, so I apologize if I get into the weeds a bit. Let’s get into it.

I’m 19 and haven’t attended college yet. I graduated high school in 2016 as the class valedictorian. I’m still surprised that I managed to do that. Between dealing with burgeoning mental issues and parental pressure for leaving the traditional family religion, I had a very hard time consistently spending time on school - or anything for that matter. This was not due to lack of time. I probably squandered in excess of 80% of my free time just laying in bed (depressed) or mindlessly surfing the web. In addition to that, for most of my senior year, I went to bed at or around 4am (including the night before the ACT…). I’ve never seen a mental health professional because I don’t have the money and my parents and I don’t get along too well. Based on cursory readings of pertinent literature, I assume I’m probably bipolar (like my older brother).

My accomplishments: 4.0 GPA, 34 ACT, 8 APs, self-taught programmer, 13th/300 in the state’s premier academic competition, (insert more valedictorian-esque veiled bragging here). I did those things because I wanted to. Academics were all I had to feel significant. My parents didn’t seem to care. If anything, they were upset with me. I used academics as an escape from school life (where I had no close friends) and home life (where I had no apparent friends). I saw academics as my way out of proverbial hell. If I could do well academically, I could get into a good school and start a new life, right? Almost.

I didn’t understand admissions as well as I should have, and my school’s counselors weren’t equipped to enlighten me on anything other than state schools’ admissions. In the last few weeks before the Common App deadlines of schools I was interested in, I finally came to my senses and in a fit of caffeine-fueled hypomania managed to write all of the essays, obtain recommendation letters, etc. I submitted all of my applications and… didn’t get into a single school on my list.

The only school I got into was a public state school. Five minutes from my parent’s house. Where ~40% of my high school’s population will be going. I fell into an incredibly deep depression. I didn’t attend college. I still haven’t even made plans to attend college. I just don’t know what to do. I think I’ll just attend the state school. I can still get a full-ride scholarship, but I’d have to wait until admissions open for the 2018-2019 academic year (I didn’t even apply anywhere for 2017-2018).

If you’ve read this far, wow. Thank you. Do you have any advice for me? What do I do? Who should I talk to? Feeling lost.

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Let me begin by saying I’m sorry for all you’re going through. You should have had support, both at school and at home.

While school is important, it’s not the overwhelming priority I get from your post. It’s your mental health that concerns me. And I think it should be your overwhelming priority as well.

You say you “had a mental breakdown”-- did you see someone at that time?

I’m guessing you’re still under your parents’ insurance. Consider looking to find a therapist who takes their insurance. My daughter goes to a wonderful therapist, and it costs us only a $25 copay for each visit-- something you could certainly afford from a part time job if your parents aren’t willing. Actually, I’m probably putting the cart before the horse-- have you spoken to your parents about this issue? It’s possible that, even though the religion issue divides you, they would be willing to get you the help you need.

As far as the state school goes: if you do have a full ride, then I agree that it makes sense to attend. And, since you have time on your side, do research and find other schools where you’re also likely to get a free ride. Do you have any idea why you didn’t get into the schools you applied to last year?

Next question: what have you done for the past year? Are you working? Volunteering? Hanging around the house surfing the web?

You mention that your brother is bipolar. Does that mean that he’s seeing a mental health professional? Could you speak to him about how he affords treatment?

Finally, you write so very well; I was surprised to read that you don’t think it’s your strong suit.

The best of luck to you.

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Hi, Modnar. You are looking for some ideas. I’m sure some ideas will come. The key point and challenge may be affording a therapist. I have seen examples where a person seeing a therapist is quite a good idea. I believe in those examples that the ability of the person to transmit information and to follow therapy instructions can affect the overall cost/effectiveness of the therapy. I feel like you presented a pretty good story for getting an idea of where your thoughts are now. So, one topic to explore further might be how to afford therapy, learning the cost of therapy, assessing or increasing your funds that can be committed to therapy, and possibly seeking out a therapist who you would consider worthy of seeing. I am not skilled in the ways of therapy, but believe that there are things that a person can hear/understand logically, but still may be encumbered chemically/biologically to not act on the knowledge, so you can know that some people will understand that.

You discuss college for a large percentage of your post, so on that topic, you certainly have an interesting option for the local full-ride. Without worrying about how awesome that place is or what you career goals my be, it is an asset to you that his option exists - partly because you would not have to worry about money and/or you could work a little bit and afford ongoing therapy.

I haven’t said anything very new or conclusive, but I thought you would like to hear something after such a significant posting as yours. We will root for you.

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If you can’t afford a therapist, there is usually help available in churches and perhaps synagogues, either someone on the staff or a member who will provide counseling at no cost.

I fully realize this could be problematic with your religious background and might upset your parents if place you were to get help is outside your tradition, but perhaps there is a place that might work. ??

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The guidance staff at your old high school should be able toput you in touch with free or cheapmental health services in your area. Part of their job is to stay on top of that sort of thing.

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Sorry, but the OP needs a medical professional if they are bipolar, not a therapist on a church staff.

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Do you have money for school, or do you really need that merit money at your state university? Did you call and ask the school and verify that they could not make space for you? Flagship schools fill, but many branch campuses can squeeze in one more kid who doesn’t need housing. (Your first term class selection would be limited to what’s left.)

Do you have a job or some productive way to fill your time if you wait another year? (Do NOT randomly enroll in community college without checking with your state U. That scholarship is likely just for first-time college students.)

How is life at home? Are your parents supportive or are you looking for a way out?

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OP I am sorry to hear you have been having such a rough time. You were in a very challenging situation toward the end of your high school career. You did amazingly well! It is understandable that you were upset by only receiving one acceptance. At the time, it seemed like an en end of the road. Now, with some time and a more positive perspective, you are seeing that it is an opportunity. A full scholarship is a great possibility. And…apparently it is still within reach!

I will echo what others are saying. First, and get on this (!) see a therapist. Part of the reason you were (admittedly, understandably) overwhelmed may have been due to chemical imbalance. It is normal to feel upset. It is further understandable when you don’t have close friends and family to pick you up. It is not healthy however to let this take over your life. I am so glad that you are reaching out for help. It shows that you are ready to take this next step.

Can you think of a trusted adult friend – NOT to replace a therapist – but to make sure you get to one? Someone to help you become accountable to working toward your needs? To support you in figuring out how to get therapy and pay for it. Someone to check in on you like, “Did you make that phone call? Did you go to your session? Etc”

You rec’d a very astute piece of advice re. community college and the full scholarship. Read and re-read post #6 and then get on the phone and find out if this scholarship is still available for you.

I do hope you come back to receive more feedback, and I thank you for sharing your story. Sending best wishes.

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I agree with @intparent that the OP needs a medical professional if he or she is bipolar, but a church counselor may be a great way to find such a medical professional that the OP can afford. And a counselor connected to the parents’ church/whatever could be the key to getting the parents engaged in providing treatment, not to mention probably being familiar with their culture and the issues faced when a child “falls away.”

Also, if the OP’s older brother has a bipolar diagnosis, chances are he is or has been in treatment somewhere. How did that happen? Can the OP follow in his footsteps? (NB: The OP may be completely wrong with the self-diagnosis, too, but no one will be able to tell unless some professionals get involved.)

One notion the OP should try to escape from: that there’s anything wrong, or any kind of defeat implied, if the OP despite lots of academic success in high school goes to a non-flagship public university near home where 40% of the OP’s high school classmates ended up. It’s so competitive these days to get faculty positions that faculty quality is amazingly strong at every level of the U.S. higher education system. The OP can make any college into the equivalent of Harvard for the OP simply by digging in, searching out the best faculty and best opportunities, and taking full advantage of them – in a way that 40% of the OP’s high school classmates probably won’t, or couldn’t. It that’s the OP’s best option, it’s a great option, not something to be depressed about.

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First, get any mental health issues under control.

Next, decide what you want as a future goal…To be a programmer and have your own place to live? or?

Then figure out how you can best get there.

You say that you can get full ride scholarships…but are those only available to freshman? or with a limited amountof college credits taken?

If they are only available to freshman, then you may want to apply to those for next year, but then find something to do this year like work.

Or you could go to the state school and shine! You can work with professors and be a star!

Or you could start at CC and then transfer later.

But you need to make sure your mental health is addressed because the worst thing would be to start college and fail.

If your parents have health insurance then make an appt yourself with a psychologist

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OP, lots of good thoughts above. ^^

Just wanted to chime in and tell you how amazing you are!

Please start with step 1, and that’s getting your mental and physical health as optimal as possible. All other issues will be easier to handle if you address these fundamental aspects of your life. Will be thinking of you and cheering for you. Hope you come back to let us know how things are going.

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@intparent I’m sure there are a lot of different situations out there, some not good, but in my experiences, churches and church organizations recruit certified professionals who are members of their congregations/sects and have professional jobs in their communities with connections to medical doctors and psychiatrists.

I have family and friends who have found help in that way for depression, in combination with medical treatment.

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@modnar

Do you currently have health insurance?

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One thing to consider is that if someone is having difficulties because s/he left a family religion, they’re unlikely to be comfortable to go to religious institutions to seek professional help. Especially considering some such institutions…including possibly OP’s family religion may try to use this search for help to exert pressure to return to the religious fold.

Also, not all religious institutions are honorable and above-board about keeping confidences which could compound problems for OP and OP’s family. A few post-college friends are permanently alienated from their family religious institutions precisely because of these issues and being burned by religious institutions not keeping proper confidences. .

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I think that you may have two options

  1. You may be able to access your public university service where you were previously accepted.

Contact their Counseling (Mental Health) services. Let them know that you were previously accepted but you weren’t able to attend because you didn’t have affordable access to medical/mental health services to begin school there. Ask if you can access their medical clinic on a co-pay basis. See if you can register with them.

  1. Additionally, you should be able to access your local County Mental Health Services. These are services that are paid for by local and state taxes. Fees are usually on a sliding fee scale.
    You can call them and tell them your situation and let them know that you have limited funding. Because of HIPAA, there shouldn't be a problem for you to access them individually.

Good luck! Let us know how it is going.

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As a parent who has been very involved in trying to stabilize my kids’ mental health (they have family history of a variety of mental health issues, as well as a family history of extreme achievement, which is not as uncommon as some might think), my heart goes out to you.

Not having family support when dealing with significant challenges makes a very hard road even harder, and navigating the labyrinth of the mental health system is daunting for most people. I agree with the posters who are asking about your brother and what treatment, if any, he received . . . that is an important point of reference for you, and getting treatment ASAP is also important for a number of reasons. If you indeed are bipolar, and have had manic episodes, it is my understanding that the more of them you have, the more serious of an impact they have on you cumulatively. Treatment is so important and can be so beneficial.

Having said all of that, I do want to point out that there are still schools that are accepting applications on a rolling basis. With your impressive stats, who knows whether you may get aid (of course, the chances decrease because of how late it is, but you never know). I googled rolling admissions and came across Money Magazine’s 50 Excellent Colleges That Are Still Taking Applications (apparently until August 1) - they include Purdue, U of MN, and U of Utah. It may be unrealistic for you to afford these choices, and I have no idea where you are geographically, but I thought I would give you this information anyway.

I also want to echo what some other poster have said: You are a very good writer.

I wish you the best.

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Is your brother taking Lithium or other medication? Bipolar disorder, especially type 1, really requires meds. You mentioned hypomania but have you or your brother experienced mania (as well as depression).

For school there are many options. I don’t know how you feel about being two years older and also entering a traditional school with young people who have not gone through what you have.

You can also take one or two classes to start, just to get back into it, at the state school near you.

I think that sometimes state schools have more varied ages and experiences in their classes than some of the privates.

There are many adult learner, continuing ed, distance, and extension schools for mixed ages and backgrounds and if you are interested we can give you some examples.

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor and should be covered under insurance. You are on your parents’ insurance? Google doctors and read ratings!

When you do go to school, documentation from an MD will help you get accommodations (like extensions on papers, excused absences, single room, reduced course load) if you do head off to college.

Many people on this board have had kids with onset of bipolar or other zigs and zags and can tell you that it can all work out, but that isn’t saying it is easy. Find a supportive adult even if you have to pay a little- I do believe you can find someone affordable through the high school or at a publicly funded clinic and so on.

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Wow. Thank you for taking the time to reply to this; I truly do appreciate it. I’ll do my best to address any questions that came up. I’ll try to kill two birds with one stone where possible, so I may not reply to everyone.

@bjkmom I have not seen a mental health professional ever. I have explained my problems to my parents. They don’t really say much when I do. You are right about insurance; I’ll have to look into that more. $25/session is certainly something I could pay for at this point. My brother is seeing someone, and I will talk to him about it. Scratch what I said in my OP. Money hasn’t been the real barrier for me. It’s asking for help. Thank you for helping me sort that out.

The schools I applied to last year were all within the top ~40. Looking back, it shouldn’t be surprising that I didn’t get in; I don’t think my applications (esp. essays) were nearly as good as they needed to be. It was a crapshoot compared to peers whose parents paid consultants and editors, visited schools, and coerced them to study for the ACT from freshman year on. Some of my classmates with almost identical (or lesser) scores and ECs did get into the schools I was rejected from: WUSTL, Northwestern, Vanderbilt, Tulane, and a few others. I didn’t even decide I wanted to go to a good school until I was a senior and realized that I might have a chance.

I think I know what you’re getting at here. I’ve worried about this. Has my application gotten even weaker because of how I’ve spent the last year? Maybe. Around the time school ended, I got a job online. Hours are low. I bought a cheap car with some of the money I made. Otherwise, I’ve been reading a lot (4-7 nonfiction books/week), wasting time online, and trying to stay sane. I’ve found that if I can eat healthy and exercise regularly my symptoms are significantly better. My parents don’t really believe that eating healthy is important (they buy 90% junk food), so I bought a small fridge and have been buying my own food. I’ve spent a lot of energy trying to improve lifestyle factors. I haven’t been too successful over the long run.

@GoForth I think you hit the nail on the head, and I appreciate the advice. I will certainly look into therapy more. Just typing these things and getting feedback from people is immensely helpful. I don’t really have anyone to talk to in person.

@happymomof1 Good idea. I’ll try to get in touch with one of them.

@AroundHere I do need the money. I don’t have much, and my parents won’t contribute anything. You’re right. It’s only for freshmen. The school I can get full ride to might be considered my state’s flagship, so it’s pretty full. I have been in contact with them over the phone and email. They have confirmed that I have to wait if I want the scholarship. I do have a job, but it’s not enough money for me to move out (plus I don’t have credit); I should probably try to work more. I’d love to get out of my parents’ house (and they want me out). They’re not supportive, and the environment hasn’t been good for me to stay in.

@JHS Thanks for taking some of the weight off of what I’ve perceived as defeat. You’re absolutely right. It’s still a good school - within the top 3 in my state - it’s just hard not to be frustrated when I see the schools some of my classmates got into and wonder “what if?”

@bopper I’ve been in touch with the university, and I would have to wait until next year (scholarship is only for freshmen). You and @SouthFloridaMom9 are absolutely right. These are things I need to get under control.

Thank you ALL for the kind and encouraging words. You are good people :slight_smile:

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@pickledginger Thank you for the kind words. He has been treated for bipolar for several years. As per your and others’ recommendations, I’ve gotten in touch with him and he’s recommended a therapist; I’ll continue to pursue that and see what I can work out financially. You’re absolutely right about the accumulating impact. They had a hard time stabilizing him for a while, and he went from a very intelligent and well-spoken person to… well, he’s not the same person.

Good point on the rolling admissions. I actually considered U of Utah (somewhat close to me), but it’s too late for me to receive scholarships from them this year. Getting into a decent school isn’t the real concern for me, It’s paying for it.

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@compmom I believe his official diagnosis was (rapid cycling) Bipolar Type 2. As far as I know, he has not experienced full-blown mania. He has been receiving treatment for several years now. Although it is less severe, it has really eroded his mental faculties, so you’re right that it must be treated if that’s what I ‘have’. He does take things like lithium, n-acetylcysteine, and fish oil to stabilize himself. As I mentioned to @pickledginger, I’ve reached out to him to ask questions about his treatment.

Of course, I have not been diagnosed with anything, but the similarities I have with him (and similarly afflicted extended family members) are too great to ignore bipolar at least as a tentative guess.

As for the school, I think I misspoke somewhat. The one I can get full ride to is a major public university, not a small local college as has been inferred from my vague description. There is a large diverse student body, and I wouldn’t be bothered at all by the ages of my classmates being a few years lower than mine. I still look 16 anyway haha.

I will start looking for a therapist I can afford; you and others have helped me see the light on that. Coming on here and talking to all of you great folks is incredibly helpful. I have no adults to talk to, let alone any pushing me in my personal life. I truly appreciate your help.