Huge Scholarships to Live in the Bubble

Parent Cafe
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<p>I sure hope I don't regret this whining later. I suppose it's not fair to "tattle" on my own kiddo, whom I love very much. But ...</p>

<p>We have experienced an unexpected fallout from massive scholarships to attend school in the Bubble -- My son seems to think he deserves to live like a rich person.</p>

<p>The background: Several years ago, my son received a four-year full-tuition scholarship to what is now a $54K/year very nice liberal arts college. (The price didn't start that high. You know how it is; it goes up kind of significantly each year.) We LOVE the school. He's had a better education there than we could ever have imagined. And all at no cost to us, outside of books, room, and board. So, I have no complaints about the school.</p>

<p>Silly me. When he first chose to attend this school, a down-to-earth boy from a very middle class family, my concern was that he might temporarily struggle with the fact that he didn't have, financially, what so many of these students have. I discussed it with him at length -- "Don't allow yourself to feel bad or consider yourself a 'have-not.' You're able to attend this amazing school on scholarship BECAUSE of the families who can afford to pay full price. So let's just be thankful and make the best of this amazing opportunity."</p>

<p>Well, it turns out, I shouldn't have been worried about his "feelings!" They never seemed to be hurt over the absence of money or things. On the contrary, he seems to have concluded, somewhere along the way, that he should automatically, magically just HAVE what all these other kids have! His feelings aren't "hurt!"</p>

<p>I pretty routinely hear that other college kids don't have to budget for groceries; that other parents pay for their kids' gasoline; that other kids go to Europe every summer but he can't go anywhere; that other kids drive Mercedes and BMW’s; that I should subsidize his food bills because he likes to eat good, fresh, healthy food like everyone else; that everybody else has an iPhone 4, not this crappy iPhone that's 3 generations old. And so on. I tell him, "Here's the thing: I don't have the money. I have never had that kind of money. And so, it doesn't matter how mad you get or how unfair it is to you, I still won't have the money."</p>

<p>Of course, I began by paying all of his bills in excess of his federal student loans during his freshman year. (He didn’t have a job and room and board is EXPENSIVE there. More so than at any state school I know of.) I subsidized him greatly during his sophomore year as well, though he had to take over his gasoline bills and later his haircut bills. I paid for everything else. Beginning with his junior year, he became responsible for his non-food grocery items (detergents, toiletries, etc), dry cleaning, and internet, in addition to haircuts and gasoline. I continued to reimburse him for groceries through November of his junior year (3 months ago). But, due to recent circumstances beyond my control, I have been unable to help him with his groceries since that time. I'm still paying his utility bills, cell phone bills, books, and tollway bills, and a one-meal-a-day-plus-$200-cash/semester meal plan. I also pay for random, very expensive requirements -- like audition recordings, headshots, accompanists, and specific work-related clothing items, when required. None of that is enough.</p>

<p>He can hardly get over my "selfishness." And I can hardly get over his! He's a smart kid (I think), and yet he can't seem to grasp that IF there's no money, then no amount of complaining or sense of entitlement will change his lot.</p>

<p>I think back to that down-to-earth, middle class, simple kid with a simple life that left my home 2 and a half years ago for college. What happened? And why couldn't I foresee this?</p>

<p>He's in for a real shocker when he gets out of college. He knows I will not be subsidizing ANYTHING at that point. AND, he’ll be repaying student loans. We've been discussing that since he was in middle school, and he has claimed to accept it since that time. But for now, he truly seems to think that he's very long-suffering at this somewhat elite, very rich school. I tell him that the vast majority of kids at colleges around the world, including in this country, make huge sacrifices, eat Ramen noodles, and struggle financially. I tell him that plenty of kids at his own school – others who are on scholarship – also struggle financially. "I KNOW, mom. (you can HEAR the eye-roll) But I earned huge scholarships and shouldn't have to live this way. You should do your part to pay for more of my bills!"</p>

<p>And so I came here to whine and to forewarn that there can be surprising consequences to full-tuition scholarships at really awesome, rich schools. I wouldn't have him go anywhere else; I suppose the education and experience has been worth the negatives. But three years ago, I could not have guessed this kid would end up with this attitude. I think I can say, “This is not the kid I raised.” But I will admit that I HAVE negatively contributed every now and then by paying for things that I really couldn’t afford because I somehow bought into the fact that he earned so much of his own way in scholarships that I should try to do more. It sure is hard to back away from those mistakes now! The sense of entitlement is … unrecognizable. And disappointing. My other kids are not like this. They’re very grateful for everything they have, and they rarely ask for anything. Will this kid outgrow this? I guess he’s eventually going to have to! :)</p>

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<p>We live in an affluent area that we call “The Bubble”. My D has some friends who have no budgets; one girl’s parents not only dropped her off in Florence, Italy for her semester abroad, but also went back to pick her up, not to mention the numerous other trips they took to hawaii, Boston, etc. Another girl, who also takes numerous vacations a year, has closets full of expensive outfits- she dressed like a peacock to go to a Katy Perry concert, (how apropos). It’s been a challenge to raise my D to not think she is entitled. Now that she is at a public university with a very economically diverse student body, she is meeting the opposite extreme, such as students who have had to drop out due to finances, students who HAVE to work, etc. I know someday soon she will need to be self-supporting. She can see that day coming too (she is a junior), and that has made her serious this year about getting jobs, research assistantships, and internships that will help her build her resume. I think you need to help your son see that his future is nigh and he is going to have to support himself very soon. Sounds like he is a music major, so good luck to him.</p>

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<p>^Yep. You got it, tptshorty. He’s a music major. I have been working hard to help my son see his reality. His siblings inadvertently help as well, when he gets all high and mighty. The Bubble has him in its grip. It’s disheartening! I am fairly certain that he’s in for a huge shock in about 18 months. It sounds like your daughter has learned a lot of good stuff from her experience in her neighborhood-Bubble. My son seems to be learning only the bad so far! Thanks for your response. :)</p>

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<p>Simplelife- I feel your pain. My D is in similar situation. She on the other hand has always appreciated the nice things in life. However now she sees what “really nice” looks like, David Yurman bangles and Burberry coats. So I knew she might struggle. I have given in and sent her little treats(dresses or sweaters on occasion) because she “earned” such a fabulous scholarship. However, the last few times I have heard, “My friends all get allowance and do not use their own money for shampoo” I gently remind her, her dream school was only a possibility because of that scholarship. It’s not a trade situation. It can be painful though, on us moms.</p>

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<p>Sometimes I think the world is divided into spenders and savers. One of my brothers was a spender, I was a saver and my other brother was more on the saver end of things. All this is to say that I have not observed this behavior in my kids. They get a tiny allowance and they need to earn or using birthday money on the rest. Now my younger son seems to gravitate to friends who have as little or less than he does, even in high school, so he’s never needed much. All I know is that if he started whining at me, I’d shut it down pretty firmly.</p>

<p>One thing that I think helps is when we shared the family finances with our kids. They look at what we earn and think it looks like a lot of money - then you go through the expenses - mortgage, taxes, retirement savings, food and there’s just not that much left.</p>

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<p>My S has been attending college on a virtual full ride We could afford to give him no spending money, so he has to have a job if he wants anything. He has had a cushion of funds that were put aside for him by us and others, but that is now gone. (He used most of it to pay his “expected contribution,” not on personal spending.) His school has plenty of wealthy students, and some of his friends are grossly indulged by their parents, but somehow he has not developed an idea that he is entitled to have what they have. He has always been fairly impervious to peer pressure, frugal, and well aware of our situation although we strove to let it limit his opportunities as little as possible: he had private music lessons, for example, while I didn’t visit the dentist for 10 years. He is grateful for anything we give him, and we are now able to help him out with some expenses, now that our financial situation has improved.</p>

<p>Your S should have realized very clearly that the reason he was at the school at all was that he was able to get scholarships. Many kids go to school surrounded by much wealthier people and do not develop this attitude. It is difficult to figure out why your son did…some people just have that inclination, I guess.</p>

<p>And why on earth are you paying for him to have a car? Why does he have an Iphone?</p>

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<p>My response to my teens is: Sweetheart, You can have everything that you can afford! Sky is the limit. And don’t forget…I love you and have a great day!</p>

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<p>Why doesn’t he have a part time job? That seems like the easiest answer here.</p>

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<p>SimpleLife:
If I were you I would tell son to get a job and pay his own bills. Better he learn the “reality” of the situation sooner than later. You can of course continue to offer gifts to him as you are able but he should not expect you to be the goose with the golden egg.</p>

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<p>Tell him to get a job.</p>

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<p>I have friend whose daughter found this attitude much earlier when they sent her to our expensive little day school and then to an even more expensive high school. She is now full-pay at a mid-level but very pricey LAC two thirds of the way across the country.</p>

<p>She loves her school and classmates so much that she could not even stay home for her mother’s surgery for breast cancer this week…even though her classes do not start for two more weeks. </p>

<p>Anyway, I hope that the OP’s son will come around with the prodding from his family. Best wishes.</p>

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<p>Well, you could have our result–we scrimped to send S to an elite school–no aid originally, but some in subsequent years as our income plummeted. He always worked in summers for all books/spending money–mostly did well in the school. Told us about the way some of the kids lived, but had no expectation that that was owed him. Finally, by senior year, he got sick of the mentality and dropped out. Was extraordinarily disillusioned and disappointed that apparently most weren’t there for the intrinsic education, but for the money they planned on making later. Not a good result, I will admit, by he works and lives very frugally–the school did not give him any sort of entitlement mentality–but rather a disgust for it.</p>

<p>OTOH, D went to a top LAC and found most of the students, even those with a lot of money, to be very down to earth–that school mentality was that flaunting was really, really bad form. She never felt out of place, even though, again, we scrimped mightily to pay for it.</p>

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<p>^Wow. Yeah that’s kind of sad about your son, garland. I’m sorry about that. I’m glad it all worked out.</p>

<p>@ jaylynn, 2bornot2bivy, and mini : I didn’t mention. He DOES have a job. It’s a part-time job, and he gets a very high hourly wage for a college kid. It’s not a super high monthly wage, simply because there aren’t enough commitment-free hours in a week to earn more. His degree, requiring lots of random night, weekend, and holiday hours, in addition to school hours, won’t allow for a full-time job. He’s been employed since January of his freshman year, and he’s worked music gigs since August of his freshman year.</p>

<p>^^^^^^I forgot, Consolation . That’s the other thing I’m paying for. The car insurance. I bought him the used car when he was in high school, and I finished paying for it almost 2 years ago. Why did I buy it for him? Because I’m a single parent and my work takes me out of town for 3-6 days at a time, including overnights, every single week of their lives (most often 3-4 days, versus 5-6, but it was unpredictable and inconsistent). His car got him and his sibs around to academic and extracurricular activities while I was away. He and his sibs were incredibly responsible, trustworthy, top performers in academics and music, community volunteers, etc. They gave me absolutely no trouble in any typical-teenager sense. I was in awe of my good fortune. In fact, when I was away (which was for 3-6 days every single week) they made their own meals, did their own laundry, walked to & from middle school, scheduled and kept their own appointments, and each graduated in the top 1-5% of their 800-member classes as NMFs and all-state musicians with giant college scholarships. The least I could do was pay for their cars, one by one as each oldest went off to college and as they fended for themselves in my absence. I don’t regret that choice. I think it was the right thing to do.</p>

<p>Why am I still paying his insurance and tolls? Simply because his part-time job can’t pay for all of the other stuff AND his car insurance. He needs the car to get to his job and his music gigs. Again, no regrets there. He can’t afford it himself (unless I pay for the other things he’s already paying for – 6 of one, half-dozen of the other).</p>

<p>He’s a good kid in so many ways. He makes great choices for himself, in terms of work and time-priorities and ethics and recreation. He’s still a top-performer both musically and academically. Employers LOVE him. He’s just financially entitled to a surprising and disappointing degree.</p>

<p>I think that’s part of the problem, in a way. He does well, so he thinks he deserves financial rewards. Maybe? I tell him, “It doesn’t matter how much you deserve it, if the money doesn’t exist, you can’t have it.” Like I said, I didn’t see this coming. I attribute much of it to his life in the Bubble. His life was NOT a cake-walk here at home!</p>

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<p>Simplelife - I feel your pain, too. And, I appreciate your taking the time to post and forewarn the rest of us. My S is a jr now and we are beginning to scope out appropriate schools for him. We are middle-upper class and my S has not had to work (although he is beginning training at Subway this weekend). He’s had some ADD and executive functioning problems, so we’ve kept him from working to focus on grades and testing. There are several schools on my univ’s tuition exchange program where he has a great shot of attending tuition free.</p>

<p>I’ve been very cautious about schools that are perceived as “upper crust” with many preppy and rich kids. My boy is down to earth as well and drives a large 1996 F-150, which we’ve had in the family since 1998 and which he loves. I know he will do well academically and want the best education possible for him, but I am really concerned about what your son is going through happening with mine. </p>

<p>Not much advice here. Sorry. But I, for one, wholeheartedly agree with your approach. I can only assume he will mature and see the light once he gets out on his own.</p>

<p>Good luck to you both.</p>

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<p>My heart goes out to you, SimpleLife. I know that this is painful for you and unlike some of the other posters, I don’t think that anything you’ve done has caused him to develop this recent entitlement mentality. Contrary to popular belief (on cc anyway), sometimes kids make choices that their parents are unable to influence or control. They really are separate individuals and frequently pick up the attitudes of their peers while away from their families. In my experience, it’s usually temporary.</p>

<p>I would personally suggest that you take heart, trust that his overall good character will eventually override his current brattiness, and keep being the voice of reason in his life. He’s still VERY young and it’s very hard for many kids (and adults, I might add) to always feel like the "poor, disadvantaged’ one when surrounded by so much thoughtless materialism. Hopefully, it’s just a stage and he’ll work through it and be wiser for it. And after all, the ice cold splash of reality is just around the corner and it often takes just that for our kids to really, finally grow up.</p>

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<p>SimpleLife, you are not selfish and I think all students need to have some skin in the game. If, like you say, he has developed a sense of entitlement then one of the best gifts you can give him to guide him out of that thought process.</p>

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<p>My son goes to a $55K/yr LAC for which we pay $16K. There are many kids there whose parents could pay COA several times over (including his roommate). But most of the kids are very down to earth and not taken to flaunting that I can see. There is also not much to do or places to go and it doesn’t take a lot of money to chip in for beer on the weekends. Most of the kids frequent good will for clothes and stuff for their rooms regardless of their parents income. </p>

<p>My son also works on summer vacations and breaks - he has since high school and pays for all his books, clothes and entertainment. He likes earning his own money. </p>

<p>The OP’s son needs to grow up.</p>

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<p>Well, likely you’re simply going to have to tough it out. Tell him point-blank there’s no more water in the well. And that’s it. He will either find a way to be more resourceful, or he won’t. When he graduates, then the fun begins. </p>

<p>It’s a long time ago, but I experienced life in the bubble, and there wasn’t any possibility of any more funds coming from home. I learned there simply weren’t things I couldn’t afford, and soon enough, recognized that I wouldn’t even have particularly wanted them except for the people around me. Sadly, in those days, there was no facilitation of discussion about social and economic class (I have friends who run an organization that does that on college campuses - especially “bubble campuses” - now. I sense my learning could have been far deeper had there been.) And, no, beneath the “laid-back, thrift-store veneer” of many of my classmates, money and entitlement dripped all over.</p>

<p>But I also learned (and this is what was good about a “bubble campus”) that there were plenty of ways for me to have the experiences that my wealthier classmates had, and to do many of the things their parent did, with very, very little money. And I’ve essentially been doing that for 40 years. </p>

<p>(I’m interested in all these conversations about cars - I didn’t own one until I was 37.)</p>

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<p>Not much help I guess, but it seems to me that some kids are going to notice what others have, and others, with essentially the same experiences,are going to notice what others DON’T have. It was true for me and my brother, and to an extent, seems true for my daughter and son. For my kids though, neither seem to think they “deserve” things, but one wants “things”, and the other does not.</p>

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<p>Mini, did your daughter find that to be the case at Williams (under the veneer dripping…) because I’ve been on that campus many times (I live nearby-ish) and also know many kids who have gone there and that doesn’t srtike me as being the case - though I dear say many of the kids come from wealthy families. Imo, I have found that at “B” schools, such as Syracuse and GW, to name a few,there is more flaunting of wealth from students of parents of the nouveau riche set. JMHO.</p>