I am frantic

Parents Forum
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<p>Oh, I would definitely keep googling. It is not snooping. And whatever is out there for the world to see, I might as well see -- and give a lecture about putting those kinds of images out there for everyone, friends, relatives, future employers (current employers?), etc. People see that side of someone being put out there in public and they don't see the good stuff. 'nuf said.</p>

<p>And, yes, I would fund tuition/room/board but no extra money. Kids really can live on the tuition/room/board and not suffer hardship. And maybe it makes it a little harder to get in trouble if they don't have too much money.</p>

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<p>I concur with the mood of the posts of jazzymom, JHS, UCLA_dad...</p>

<p>Right now, since the discovery just happened, you have way more of your opinions and feelings than his facts or perspective.</p>

<p>I think your goal, next, is to renew some trust, possibly open up dialogue, find out what's going on (as much as he'll share) by active non-judgmental listening FIRST. Then, see how to help him redirect, even if the only redirection you can accomplish is to stop publishing himself like that. </p>

<p>There's a difference if he gambled once and mentioned it online, or he's deep into the process and needs help or a severed credit card. I made a stupid bid on ebay recently, but now that you know that fact, does it make me a shopaholic? (If you knew my frugal habits you'd laugh as that's the last thing I am...but I set myself up here as a straw-man. Do you see how one mention of something can change your mental opinion of someone -- and so fast?)</p>

<p>Only you saw the blog, not us, so perhaps there was enough info there to get upset over...but perhaps not. </p>

<p>I think, as a Mom, you need to know more to help IF help is needed, but the only way to find out more is to refrain for now from anything punitive. Establish trust, tell him what you saw, ask HIM what it means or why he did it and what HE thinks will happen as a result of publishing it. The more he can come to his own conclusions in conversation with you, the better.</p>

<p>Another way to say it: suppose you did stuff you knew was wrong and felt guilty about it, but your spouse found it. In one scenario he confronts you, angry/humiliated/upset proposing curtailments, logical consequences and so on. In the other he comes and says, "I found out. What's going on here? What does all this mean?" Obviously the second approach will generate solutions, not the first.</p>

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<p>I would print out the pages and highlight the "bad stuff" and the other concerns put it on his pillow when he came home, with a note:</p>

<p>anything we need to talk about? an before you pull the "its private" ploy, it was on the internet, and it could have come from anywhere</p>

<p>I would also admit that the first gut reaction was to pull tuition, etc., but you calmed down, but are still concerned with what son is getting out of school, which you are paying for</p>

<p>Also, mention that if he has that much free $, it is time he contribute to the college fund</p>

<p>(as far as the son knows, maybe someone else saw it was concerned and sent the blog to mom- that is very possible- it is a public arena after all)</p>

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<p>there is something darn scary about seeing that stuff in hard copy printed for all to see</p>

<p>If the son wants to be treated like an adult, there are consequences to that behavior, and if he is spending his own money in a manner that is not "approrpriate" ie drinking and gambling, then why should parents help with the rest</p>

<p>If I found my Ds was spending her money on that, instead of tickets, shows, concerts, etc with the money she earned, I would not be thrilled. And as we are going to be spending 45000 a year, we can say, spend 42000, and she can make up the difference if her $ is not being spent in an appropriate way</p>

<p>if a child expects us to hold up our end of the bargain, they should as well, what if we said, oppsy, spent your college money gamlbing...sooorrrryyyyy</p>

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<p>I would actually say to my child, for every dollar you spend gambling, that is a dollar less than we will pay toward your tuition....period....again if he is old enough to gamble, even once, he is old enough to contribute</p>

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<p>Don't go off with guns blazings or even half-cocked is the best advice here.</p>

<p>You know your son. Is this completely new behavior, or indicative of occasional past issues?</p>

<p>Your guidelines, house "rules", standards of expected behaviors should have been clear as you raised him and I'm assuming modified and adjusted as he's matured.</p>

<p>Some pretty cut and dry issues here though.</p>

<p>Sex, alcohol, drugs, experimentation and any number of questional behaviors occur. He has the freedom in college to do this. But, by posting these behaviors, real or not, he's metaphorically left the shade up. </p>

<p>You walked by the window and caught him with his pants down.</p>

<p>The fact that you trusted him enough to behave responsibly by funding his education comes with a basic premise that you expected him to continue to behave responsibly.</p>

<p>The fact that you became aware of issues potentially indicating that he is no longer behaving responsibly is a valid cause for concern.</p>

<p>If in fact by driving your vehicle (or reducing your retirement fund by $40m x remaining college years) puts you in a financially compromising position it has to be broached on those grounds alone. Period.</p>

<p>The drinking, sex and gambling are emotional triggers. Just look at it logically.</p>

<p>He has jeapoardized your trust in him. Get his response as to why. His answer will dictate further actions on your part.</p>

<p>If he has serious issues, he'll either admit them, or lie his way around it.</p>

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<p>You son displayed poor judgement after you had warned him specifically of the dangers of posting such things. Drugs, inappropriate sex and whatever else was present equals not on my dime for me. It sounds to me that he doesn't have the maturity for getting the most out of his education right now. I would enforce a term off, working full time, paying bills to help him prepare for a more productive attempt at college. What we moms go through! Hugs.</p>

<p>P.S. I'd be wondering if he may have an addictive personality if he has inappropriate sexual behavior, drug use and gambling. This might make a bigger intervention necessary. As for knowing your son, he is at the key age where mental health issues often show up for the first time.</p>

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<p>Violadad. Point by point,well grounded and well thought out. I like the use of the shade analogy. I would only add that mom describes son as nice kid, accepting of family values and getting good grades. I assume thus far (without the shade up) son has met all expectations of parents. </p>

<p>Mom, you can alter the rules for next year if you need to but you can't just change the "rules" from last year and "punish" this past behavior.</p>

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<p>i am not saying go off half cocked....that is why you put the pages of his blog on his pillow when he returns home...he will see them...can't deny...see how easy it is to get, and his actions are there (true or not) in black and white</p>

<p>as well, its okay to say what your first gut reaction was....to yank the funding...but that you thought about it, and wanted to find out what is going on, as violadad said</p>

<p>so, I would go print out the pages now, and put them away....you may change your mind, but I really think that would a good approach that doesn't bring all the emotions to the front- mom being mad, an disappointed, son getting defensive, etc</p>

<p>He will see the pages, know that you know, and that is something that will be discussed.</p>

<p>As for sharing with Dad, that is your call....</p>

<p>and as for the $$, if it approached rationally, without anger, </p>

<p>Son, you seem to have more disposable income than we thought if you are able to gamble, something we consider a total waste of $, so, we have decided that if you feel mature enough to gamble, then perhaps, you are at a place where you can contribute more to the expenses of your college, how does that sound? It is not a punishment, it is a pratical matter of dollars and cents and priorities and our family priority is to not spend money on college while you spend it gambling (even just once)...so tell us how that sounds to you?</p>

<p>And why is it that kids can change mid stream, but parents aren't allowed to? so what consequences are there?</p>

<p>And UCGradMary brought up the point again about addictive personality issues, something that can sneak up pretty darn fast....</p>

<p>Son is probablly going to be fine, and it may take Mom and Dad to draw a line and say, not good and not what we expected to pull son back into a better place</p>

<p>Sometimes friends can be bad news, so maybe different roommates, etc should be considered</p>

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<p>If it is any consolation at all, I found 19 to be a very hard age with my son and his friends, as well as other kids in the community. Some awful things went on. Not for all, not in all ways, but it seemed a cocky time of life and experimentation that improved for the better as their college years progressed, and maturity gained. And if he is on an exchange, that can be particularly stressful time, with some normal societal expectations perhaps less in evidence. Though that still should not excuse such behavior. The gist of what I am trying to say, is that it is quite a time of flux, and excess of all sorts seems to be part of college life these days. Your values will be more in evidence in the future, but this time is about other forces in his life. </p>

<p>You do need to watch like a hawk for signs of real problems with addictions when he returns, whether or not you decide confront him. </p>

<p>I know I struggled with my hard earned money supporting drinking and vices that were not good for anyone concerned! I hope some of this is his earnings, not yours, and if you are giving him spending money, perhaps next semester he needs a job.</p>

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<p>I want to add that I would write him now to tell him what you found. There is a lot of room to get in trouble on most overseas program and I'd want him on good behavior notice now.</p>

<p>We are seeing horendous gambling problems among young men. The gambling is usually not an isolated addictive behavior. It is an extremely dangerous one though with kids getting into deep trouble personally and financially.</p>

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<p>"confront" isn't th best word, discuss, share, etc....if far more appropriate</p>

<p>and why are we so afraid to say, dude, this is not cool...what, they get mad...so what....if you are worried about your kid, no matter the age, we shouldn't be so timid to not talk to them</p>

<p>and this is in writing for all to see...and that in itself is a concern</p>

<p>too often parents or friends say nothing when a person is spiraling downward for fear of making someone mad</p>

<p>I would rather the person be mad than to have done nothing and something really bad happens, I am with UCgradmom, I would just send him the pages or a letter saying hope this isn't continuing there....and don't worry about ruining his trip part of growing up is dealing with the consequences of your behaviors, no matter how inconvienent</p>

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<p>My cousin, concerned with her child's gambling and drinking behavior in college (even though grades were good) didn't pull tuition/fees, but told the kid tuition wouldn't be paid until he saw an abuse counselor. Also, since kid seemed to have money for this stuff, told kid he would have to pay for all transportation back and forth to college (about 1500 miles away from home.)</p>

<p>Many on this thread have said don't "threaten" with pulling tuition. I'm not sure the "desired behavior" of seeing a counselor should be tied to this kind of consequence, either.</p>

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<p>CGM wrote "I would also admit that the first gut reaction was to pull tuition, etc., [but I] calmed down..."</p>

<p>When I'm initially upset over some major transgression (but have calmed down), I also use this approach, and only in the most level of voice tones. I report, narratively, what I thought -- "at first." </p>

<p>It catches their attention; I can even see their eyes widen. It lets them know how serious the topic is to me, gives them a measure of how deep is the mess they now stand in. Then we take it from there to discuss the real problem.</p>

<p>It's also their prerogative not to talk, and that's difficult. If I've taken them by surprise with a confrontation, I give them this out: "We don't have to talk about this now, but we need to within X days. You come to me when you're ready." In our house, that's worked and I've never had to rout them out. My kids aren't always ready to talk about things exactly when I am.</p>

<p>The most powerful phrase is one my H taught me to use with them, "Think about it..." to end a conversation that's hit a definite logjam. "Think about it..." leaves the ball clearly in their court and shows you expect mature response from them.</p>

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<p>I think you should use your influence carefully and gentlely. Sent him from time to time message of love and forward articles about dangers of various addictions. Keep the communication line open.</p>

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<p>OP:</p>

<p>If your S has access to email while abroad, perhaps you should send a short message indicating that you googled him, read the blog, and are concerned about the behaviors you read about. Specifically, that you're concerned that excessive drinking and on-line gambling are not turning the trip or program he's on (at your expense, I wonder) into a waste of time. Maybe you will get a response back that will at least give you some peace of mind until he returns and you can have a real talk. </p>

<p>The issue about discussing this with a soon-to-be 20-year-old man is not whether one is "afraid" or timid, it's about keeping emotions in check so that the discussion will be productive and won't shut down or dissolve into a shouting or weeping match. I say, be calm and assert your point of view regarding what you're paying for his college education and what you expect him to gain from it. Having him go to classes in a fog, or miss classes due to being hungover, or having him get obsessed with gambling instead of focusing on his education is not what you're paying the big bucks for and that's the message he needs to get. Not that he's been a naughty boy and made bad choices, but that he could be blowing the opportunity to make the most of his time at an excellent and expensive college. If he wants to continue to waste his time, getting only "pretty good" grades when he could be doing better, or putting in 50 percent effort, maybe he should do so at a school where the tuition is half as much, unless he wants to pay for it himself through loans or working. </p>

<p>It's just that I wouldn't make this a discussion about how you the parent feel angry and disappointed by his behavior per se. I would make it about his use of time at a $40,000-a-year institution. And, of course, whether he has gotten himself so involved in something dangerously addictive (online gambling) that he does actually need outside help.</p>

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<p>Just a side note here from personal 'snooping' experience. I found a blog of one of my college age children a couple of years ago. I began reading it from time to time, mostly because it was hilarious, gave me a lot more insight to her life at school than I was getting from her on the phone, etc. Nothing bad, or at least not excessive, the usual drinking followed by apt descriptions of the ensuing hangovers and why she was beginning to see it wasn't worth it. I always felt a little guilty reading it, but, as all above agree - they put it out there for the world to see. Well, one morning I went to read it and almost fell off my chair. There was an entry that described a weekend full of activities that I couldn't believe my D participated in. It was raunchy and scary. As I neared the end of the entry, in big capital letters it said "AND MOM!! PLEASE STOP READING MY BLOG!!" Evidently they can track who is reading their blogs, from where, how often and for how long. LOL. She got me. I apologized, with the caveat that if I found it so could anyone else. Truthfully, up until that last entry which was totally fabricated to teach me to stop snooping, she never wrote about anything that could be problematic. But nonetheless, the warning about future 'Googles' of them should remain front and center.</p>

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<p>I loved the shade analogy! Very well put.</p>

<p>The problem I have with those who say confront is that none of us on the internet have any data about the frequency or of the severity of the incidents that the OP is concerned about. </p>

<p>Gambling away the tuition money..well sure, that calls for parental intervention. Checking out an online gambling site and placing a few small bets? That to me is totally normal and necessary adolescent limit testing and I'd hate to see the OP overreact and the son strike back in some way that only a 19 year old would think is a good idea. I also have no idea what "highly inappropriate sexual behavior" is but I'm firmly in the LALALALA about confronting adults about private consensual behavior. If he was drugging girls, sleeping with them and posting pictures or bragging, yes-step in, but again short of that it's a violation of boundaries to punish an adult for having sex, even if it is sex you don't approve of.</p>

<p>If you are providing all of his financial resources, including spending money, it might be time to tighten the reins a bit and hold him responsible for some of the discretionary expenses, but I'd do that without alluding to his behavior-I'd do it because 20 year olds who drink and gamble have too much free time on their hands and if he isn't working part time, it'd solve more than just the finance issue.</p>

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<p>I don't think parents should read their kids blogs, but does it really matter how you find out if your kids are doing inappropriate things while you are paying the bill?</p>

<p>Sure, everyone parties, but believe me, most people I know don't have highly inappropriate sex and gamble.</p>

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<p>"Highly inappropriate" sex is in the eye of the beholder though. There are some parents who think anything beyond kissing somebody of the opposite sex before marriage is "highly inappropriate." There are some who think even kissing is wrong if it is same-sex..so all we can infer from the OP is that it was behavior that contradicts what SHE thinks is OK for her son, and that's problematic because it's common for parents and kids to think they all got there by spontaneous combustion and prefer to pretend that neither parent nor child ever has sex.</p>