Ever since I moved into a new room with my friend, her boyfriend has been in the room all the time! I finally mustered up some courage to ask her if she couldn’t bring him over anymore, because I need to study and want the room to myself. She agreed to it and now after two days of not bringing him, HES IN THE ROOM. And I feel so direspected because now I can’t stay in the privacy my room. HELP PLEASE.
You have to remember it’s half her room. She agreed NEVER to bring her BF to the room? Never seems to be unreasonable on your part. Maybe you need to get your RA involved if you both can’t agree on a compromise.
You are in a double room so it is unreasonable to expect to have the room to yourself to study. That is what the library is for. That said, if her BF is there overnight, when you want to sleep etc. then you should talk to her again, try to come to an agreement, and if you can’t agree on a solution ask the RA to mediate.
And OMG, it’s Friday afternoon. If you need to study, the library should be wide open.
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Think about the reasonableness of your request. Not having the BF over at all is not reasonable. Having him over multiple hours/day is not reasonable. Him coming over for an hour or two for some days during the week is.
However, remember you pay for the room, he does not. -
Take steps to ameliorate the situation yourself. Can you do some studying at the library? Do you expect no visitors ever?
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Discuss issue with Roommate. Check
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See if roommate is compromising…No, the BF has returned.
5)Think about what you want to the end result to be…that works for both of you. For example: BF can visit 2 hours 3 days a week…no overnights. -
Go to RA. State the issue, state that you have talked to roommate (because they will ask), state that you have tried other steps (like the library) and ask for help in resolving the situation. “RA, I would like to get your advice on figuring out a resolution to an issue I am having with my roommate. .”
Most likely they will come up with a roommate contract for you both to sign.
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Follow the contract…and if your roommate doesn’t, then go back to the RA. If your roommate retaliates, go back to the RA.
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If RA doesn’t follow through or is useless, see if there is a different RA in your building. If not, go to the Housing office. Explain you have gone through the “chain of command”…that is, you talked to your roommate and then the RA but the issue still exists and it is preventing you from using your room.
Here’s how my kids approached dorm living. Libraries are for studying. Dorm rooms are for sleeping and socializing.
Go to the library.
I assume the OP is an introvert and wants some time alone …in her room is the easiest way. It is her room too…so she needs to find the balance on what she needs vs. the BF always being over.
maybe suggest that they spend more time in BF’s dorm?
That’s a huge downside of sharing the room…I remember having to stay in my friend’s house because my roommate brought one night stands way too often. My friends and I called it “sexile.” My dorm was super dingy, which confused me even more because the girls’ dorms were much better. Unless they weren’t students…
This happened to me last year with my roommate. We both went to the high school and we’re still really close friends. However, when he got a gf one month into the semester, they both spent a lot of time in our dorm playing video games. I had no problem with this until he started alienating me and told me that he made out with her. There were times where I was really annoyed that I couldn’t go to sleep until 1 or 2 in the morning. I never confronted him about it then, and even though they broke up 2 months in, I still never told him how I felt.
You didn’t make the mistake I did, but I want to let you know, your roommate is justified for letting her boyfriend come over. I’m sorry, but the dorm is a shared space between you two. If you need to study, I would suggest going to the library or another place on campus (like a classroom) where you can be by yourself. However, if she and her boyfriend are disrupting your sleep schedule, then that’s a different story. If your sleep is getting interrupted because of them, then it would be wise to confront her about it.
Hope this helps and best of luck!
OP and roommate need to come to some sort of agreement, such as boyfriend comes over when OP is not going to be there. It’s about expectation setting. Sometimes, you just want to come back to your room and chill by yourself or, at most, with your roommate. When a third person is constantly over that makes you the third wheel, resentment will build up. They need to split their time better between her place and his.