I barely have any friends as a Freshman in college and it's ruining my college experience

Student Lounge College Life
1

I’ll start this off by saying that I got paired with 2 other roommates that I’ve had lots of problems with. One of my roommates just kinda sits around all day and plays PS4, and we’re friendly but he’s not the type of person I would hang out with. My other roommate is probably the least favorite people I’ve ever met. I don’t need to get into the details, but having crappy roommates has made it extremely difficult to make friends during my first year of college. During the first week, they were out every night and were never in the room so I never even got to know them the first damn week of school. Also, there’s only 3 other rooms on my floor and I’ve only talked to one of the kids out of all those rooms. Everyone on my floor either has a friend group already or are extreme introverts.

During my first week of college, I met a lot of people and I hung out with those people for a couple of weeks, except for some reason we just stopped staying and touch and now I never talk to them. Overall, I’ve just gotten really weird vibes from a lot of the kids that I’ve met here. Majority of the population are Cali kids and they’re either douchey or just straight up weird. (Both of my roommates are from Cali). I’ve also partied with like 10 different groups of people and then we never talk after that. Maybe it’s my fault that I’m not initiating another hangout, but it just seems like they have good friends already. I even went on 2 ski trips with one kid and we seemed like great friends, and then I asked him if he wants to go again, and he just never responded. It’s been a lot of that kind of stuff and I don’t know why.

I also had a good friend from high school that was here for a couple of weeks, but he ended up leaving and decided to take a gap year instead. I eventually met someone that ended up being my best friend and we did pretty much everything together. He was in a similar position as me - crappy roommates and floormates and didn’t know a lot of people. So we tried meeting other people together and we did meet a ton of people, but none of them really “stuck” because it seemed they were all in a friend group already and didn’t want to expand off of it. And unfortunately, this friend decided to leave after the first semester. This pretty much screwed me over for the second semester because I really did everything with him and it seems that everyone else is already in their friend group.

I have a couple of friends that I can go skiing with on the weekends but honestly, they’re all kind of weird and I don’t love hanging out with them. I’m also in two clubs but since it’s such a big school it’s basically just signing up for trips, but it’s super hard to get on them. I also rushed a couple frats last semester but that just gave me weird vibes. Sucking up to the brothers during rush and basically paying for friends and parties just seems unnecessary. I also don’t feel like I’m extroverted enough to just go up to different brothers out of the blue and initiate conversation. Although, I am considering doing it again next year if I still can’t find friends.

Not having anything to look forward to on the weekend makes me pretty miserable during the week and makes me wonder if I should transfer or something. Idk. I’m just really worried that I’m going to waste my college years because I want to love it here so bad but my lack of social life won’t let me. I absolutely love the school and my grades are good I just hate my current social life.

For next year I applied to an apartment with roommate matching, and I put in all of my interests, so hopefully that will pair me with people that I can become friends with. Also, my friend from high school is coming back, so that should help too. But I’m pretty much banking on the roommate match thing to work. If I don’t end up being friends with them, I have no idea what I’m going to do. All of my friends from home have a friend group because of their roommates and it makes me so jealous.

So basically, am I going to find my friend group eventually? Am I wasting my college years?

Sorry for the long ass post but this has really made me unhappy and I just want some advice on it. Thank you so much for reading it if you did!

2

Ok, I read it.

Dad of S20 here. I’m going to try to give advice like I would give my son in a similar situation.

Your current housing situation doesn’t sound ideal but it’s not permanent and you might not find a good friend through housing. Hopefully you do next semester though. It’s good you’re exploring other options.

I would say that life is driven a lot by how we present ourselves. Maybe take a little pressure off of yourself to find a friend and just be you for a bit. Focus on doing some things that make you happy for a bit and the friends will happen.

Go to the gym. Maybe get involved with a study group or two. Are there any informal sports or activities that you like going on you can join? Hiking? Biking? Flag football?

People are most approachable when they are happy with themselves. Do things that make you happy and others will want to be a part of that.

On the flip side, yes, you need to open up a little more and be more aggressive in asking others to do things or to keep doing things. There are people that are less outgoing than you and they aren’t going to do the work.

In the end you don’t need a friend to make you happy. You need to do things for yourself that make you happy and the friends will come.

It will be ok.

3

You said you rushed but didn’t say if you got a bid. Did you? Rush again. You may not like the idea of “paying for friends” but if you pledge it will give you a stable growth up you are a part of and you are bound to find some real friends within your pledge group or fraternity.

The previous poster gave you great advice. I just wanted to follow up on the rushing.

4

Great growth opportunity here for you…

…starting with what being ‘friends’ means.

“I have a couple of friends that I can go skiing with on the weekends but honestly, they’re all kind of weird and I don’t love hanging out with them”

That’s not friends. That’s acquaintances who you are using to do something you want to do.

And…

“I’ve just gotten really weird vibes from a lot of the kids that I’ve met here. Majority of the population are Cali kids and they’re either douchey or just straight up weird.”

People hardly ever feel want to be friends with people who don’t like them. If you have decided that you don’t like the majority of the people at your school you don’t have very many people to make friends with.

Which leads to the make friends with part…

“I’ve also partied with like 10 different groups of people and then we never talk after that. Maybe it’s my fault that I’m not initiating another hangout, but it just seems like they have good friends already.”

Probably not. Real friendship takes time. One of the most common anxieties posted here by college freshers is that “everybody else has friends already”. It’s almost never true. Like you, they are grabbing the nearest people, to have somebody to be with, anxious to not be the outsider- the social kiss of death in high school. Good news: college isn’t high school. Social groups change and rearrange a lot all the way through first year, and evolve over the next 3 years. The first people tend to be what you have described above- foxhole buddies. It takes time and shared experiences - good and bad! - for a real friendship to develop.

That’s why I wonder about what you think a friend is:

“All of my friends from home have a friend group because of their roommates and it makes me so jealous.”

If people are actual friends, they don’t get to a new place and drop old friends to become besties with new people.

A friend group is the key word here. It is common in college to have multiple friend groups. You might have one from your dorm, another from your favorite EC, another from your major, another from a shared situation (on campus job, working out in the gym, a class that happens to gel, being in the same food court a lot, etc.). Each friend group develops in its own way, and over time there is often crossover as people get to know each other. The key is that you are spending time with people, with whom you have some shared interests, and as you get to know each other some of them will grown into the kind of friends you can count on.

“I’m pretty much banking on the roommate match thing to work.”

It’s not eHarmony. Roommate matching algorithms at colleges are pretty basic and are aimed at compatible co-existence, not a shortcut to friendship.

So, you have to grow your own friendships, and that takes time.

Instead of looking for a bff or your one gang to hang out with, work on developing several groups of friends. Start (or join) a study group (in a class related to your prospective major is ideal)- whether for the term or just to prep on a test-by-test basis. Workout at the gym / go to a particular food place / study in a certain area at regular times: you will get to know the other people who are always there & doing that. Join a club that meets regularly and volunteer to do one of the less - fun jobs (in all of life, there is no faster way to become an insider than to be willing to pitch in and do the unglamorous work). Get to know people as people, and the friendship will follow.

Finally, if you have a fantasy about what ‘your college years’ are supposed to be, let it go. Same as any social media outlet, it is more fantasy than reality for pretty much everybody.

5

Being bffs with a roommate can have pitfalls too. It’s hard rooming with folks.

My D is in her second year and has found her real friends are now from her major and her clubs. These are the people she spends the most time with and true friendships have developed over time.

It’s a big transition going from HS to college and having to start over again with friends. It takes time to form close connections.

6

Agree with @collegemom3717 .

Better to accept others for whom they are than to expect them to be who one wants them to be.

Maybe it would be helpful to think: One needs to be a friend in order to have friends. Being a friend means accepting others as they are.

Differences make the world a more interesting place.

Preconceived notions of what one’s college years should be like are often unrealistic. College years are a time for growth & maturation. A large part of growing is in being adaptable, understanding & accepting.

7

OP: Consider focusing on the positive aspects of your college experience rather than on real or imagined negatives.

It is hard for me to imagine a snow skiing enthusiast being unhappy at your current school.

8

You seem to have a lot of acquaintances, and by college freshman standards, that is truly an excellent start.

It is hard to students to understand that the reason they may have had a lot of friends in high school is because, in many cases, they had those friends and acquaintance from junior high or even elementary school. With no such familiar pool to start things off in college, you really are building a network from scratch. And Collegemom3717 is absolutely correct in that roommate matching is not necessarily going to be a friend match.

You’re doing just fine. It may not feel great, but keep working with what you have. Invite some of those new acquaintances to lunch or dinner. Ask one to meet for coffee before class. Join more clubs, attend campus events. Be patient, give it time, and you’ll soon have a very busy social life.

Believe it or not, you are building skills that will serve you well in the workforce. People start new jobs all the time, not knowing a soul. There is a chance you may have to move to a different state (or country!) or a new community to take a better job opportunity. Again, you might have to build a new social network from scratch. The good news is that people can be very welcoming when you bring your enthusiasm and give them a chance.

9

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful responses it has no doubt made me feel much better! I’m going to try to push myself to ask the people I already know to do more stuff together.

10

@anon96077835 Agree with most other posters. Your floor isn’t necessarily going to be your best friends. I don’t see anyone from my first year floor anymore. Try and put yourself out there and make an effort to meet people outside of parties. They’re honestly a terrible way to make friends. Clubs or class could be a good place to start. Also consider rushing again, there’s usually a fraternity for everyone if the school is large enough.

11

Get a job. If there are sports at your school, get a job working at the arena/stadium on game days. You’ll be there, other students will be there, you’ll have things to talk about and get paid for it too.

My friends from college were mostly my sorority sisters. We’re still friends 45 years later (I went to a basketball game with one of those friends tonight). We weren’t all a big circle of friends but more like a venn diagram with different circles getting together for one activity and they grouping with another circle for the next thing. Some were dorky or too loud or extra geeky, but that’s okay for some things. Skiing with some, sporting events with others, movies with the next group.

12

http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1808143-having-trouble-adjusting-to-college-making-friends-top-10-things-to-do.html