I don't belong

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi. I'm a sophomore and I have a full ride to a state school. My first two semesters were terrible. I came in bio pre-med. But the weed out courses did more than show me I don't have the drive to become a doctor. They showed me that I barely have any drive for existing. I barely go to class anymore. I've talked to counselors, tried picking other majors, joining clubs, being social. Nothing's working. </p>

<p>I just feel like this was all a big mistake.</p>

<p>I know everyone here is just going to tell me to suck it up, because so many other people would do anything to be in my shoes. Well, you know what? I would give ANYTHING to trade places with someone who is more worthy. But my advisor said that you can't give people your scholarship. Maybe if I wasn't told "apply or be homeless" by my parents, I wouldn't have felt like college was an obligation or what "normal" people do.</p>

<p>Anyways, I asked my mom if I could take a year off but she said no. And the contract I signed said that I had to graduate in four years, so I'm pretty sure I couldn't leave if I tried. I don't belong here. Everyone who said "College is about figuring out what you want to do" is a liar. When I told my peers that I'm undecided, they treated me like I had the plague or something (the consequences of attending a research university). All they did was list random careers and then get upset that I didn't appreciate their brilliance by deciding at that moment. Career people had me take a test that said I should become a psychologist. (PU-LEASE. I didn't like that class AT ALL.)</p>

<p>I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose my scholarship. And I refuse to waste my mom's money if that happens. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It started out as a cry for help, but just degenerated into pure madness. So I guess I'm really asking what foreign country can I escape to, because my mom will skin me alive if I lose this scholarship.</p>

2

<p>You are probably not going to want to hear this, but my advice is to go to the school’s counselling center and talk to someone. Make sure that you’re not depressed before making the decision to quit school. You can always go back to school whenever you want, but depression will not resolve itself just by quitting school. </p>

3

<p>I used up my 20 sessions and then some my first two semesters. Counselor said my only option was group therapy for another semester, but I kind of don’t like people. Mom (is a nurse) took me to therapy this summer and the therapist said I was depressed and should see a psychiatrist and get on meds. She was against it, and said I’d be fine once I got back into school. (Why is it that the people that gave birth to me seem to understand me the least? And then she has the nerve to say she knows me better than myself.)</p>

<p>Also, with the way my scoliosis was handled, I just really hate anything in regards to medicine (doctor suggested a brace when I was 10-12, mom said it would get in the way of school, played the “wait and see” game instead, got progressively worse, at 16 was told “surgery, wheelchair, or death, you choose,” mom objected to surgery claiming it was only “cosmetic,” now I’m having “cosmetic” back pain and my back cracks and clicks every five seconds).</p>

4

<p>Be realistic- if you’ve stopped going to class you’re going to both lose your scholarship AND get kicked out. So whatever other options you think you have- you don’t.</p>

<p>You need to do two things- get back into counseling ASAP. Start Group therapy if that’s your only option.</p>

<p>Second, you need a heart to heart with your mom. You may think she’ll skin you alive if you lose the scholarship but she may not be aware that you are going to lose it anyway. So come clean. Explain that you are getting help for your issues and are in counseling, but that you are taking a break/leave of absence. You are depressed and cannot do your work, and you’d like her support even if she doesn’t agree with your decision.</p>

<p>Hugs. is there another adult (parent, aunt, grandparent) in the mix who has a better handle on your reality than your mom??? Can you enlist their help right now?</p>

5

<p>After you fully come clean with your mom, know that your choices really arent only a college or homeless.
You could be like many many people and get a job and be a self supporting adult. Not glamorous, not likely a great career, but plenty do it.
Perhaps after a turn at that, you might have better ideas if/what you might want from college.
Sure, right after high school with scholarships is probably the easiest time, but it isn’t the only time. Not everyone needs/wants college right after high school.</p>

6

<p>What a horrible story. I feel for you. </p>

<p>You have already been diagnosed with depression. If you are over 18, your mother no longer has control over your health care decisions. That sounds like a good thing. </p>

<p>I assume that you have some kind of health insurance and thus can see a psychiatrist without your mom’s permission. Figure out which network covers your mental health benefits (it might be on your insurance card), and figure out how you can see a psychiatrist in-network with a small co-pay. Go see one. Get the medication. Consider this a potentially temporary fix while you get therapy from a psychologist. </p>

<p>Next you need to see a psychologist. See what the insurance provides in-network. The 20 visits was probably what the school provides as part of it’s counseling center. Ask to get referred to an outside provider within your health insurance network. </p>

<p>Your back - “surgery, wheelchair, or death, you choose”. Choose surgery. Again, see what the insurance provides. </p>

<p>You don’t need to move to a foreign country, but you need to get away from your mother. If your mother isn’t going to take your health issues seriously, it’s not healthy to live in her household. </p>

<p>Do your best in school, but if you need to leave, view it as temporary, and move away from your mother. Don’t withdraw mid term or you might owe part of your scholarship back. Force yourself to go to class and study. Hang in there. </p>

<p>Realistically, college can wait until you are ready for it. </p>

<p>Move to a state that provides universal coverage (Massachusetts is great, a warm sunny place that is far less expensive to live is probably better). </p>

<p>Then find a job. Get a room. Most young people in Boston live with roommates because living indoors is usually unaffordable any other way. In other localities, there may be single occupancy rooming houses that are affordable. </p>

<p>Get your mental and physical health taken care of. Think about what you want to do and go to school part-time to do it. </p>

7

<p>OP,
You are not exception at all in a pre-med crowd at ABSOLUTELY ANY place, Ivy / Elite / in-state public, practically does not matter. First you got to understand that there is simply not enough spots in Med. Schools, not even close to the number of initial pre-meds. Arithmetic is always right, cannot go around it. 115 people will not be acepted to 15 spots, only 15 out of 115 (this is just an example, I do not know real statistics) will be accepted to 15 spots. there is nobody in a world, no councelor or anybody else who can change this fact. And again, american k -12 DOES NOT prepare kids for college, not even the most rigorous private HSs. Those who do not realize that tremendous adjustment in working habits is required at college, will be derailed from the initial goal. So, here you are and absolutely every other pre-med who are basically crammed in between very unfortunate set of circumstances. And here I go with why. Normal. regular, decent hardworking top caliber student will not survive in Med. School. Med. School requires toughest of the tough, steel and stone but still very sensitive to the needs of others. Well the truth is you already know what we wiill say and you are absolutely correct. In order to survive on this very torturous road, you need to get very tough and adjust to higher academic levels (which will be needed again at Med. School). You are the only one who can assess if you can do it. There is no easy way, Med. School is much much harder in all aspects than UG, academically, emotionally, physically, socially…I might miss something here. You might just face the fact that this road is not for you. And if you hate everything about medicine, how you suppose to go thru with it. Just talk seriously to your parent, be open. Mother loves you unconditionally, she wants you to be happy. </p>

8

<p>Therapy just felt so wrong when I did it. I felt like I was wasting the therapist’s time because I didn’t have some magical breakthrough. It was just me making some grad student cry because I’m so screwed up in the head. And it was a constant reminder that I have nobody to talk to that I trust. That made me feel even worse.</p>

<p>I think she will skin me. I’m already on probation for my 3.0 and she was hysterical when she found out (I told her because I thought I might have lost the scholarship at that point). I wouldn’t put murder past her, due to her extreme black and white mentality.</p>

<p>My older siblings and dad just tell me to transfer. They were against me going to school so close to home. Especially my brother, who said I should have only looked at schools outside of America. I just can’t take another “I told you so” from them. I tell them, it isn’t the school, it’s just that I’m not in the right place mentally for college. They just tell me “You got in, didn’t you?” </p>

<p>When we had the whole scholarship debacle this summer, it sucked because I didn’t even know what jobs only need high school that aren’t prostitution or drug dealing. I went to a guidance counselor and asked if she could help me find tech schools or something and she just said that I should just stay in school because apparently degrees are the secret to eternal happiness or something. I guess it was dumb to ask, but I don’t really have people to talk to, which is why I’m just sitting in my single wasting away.</p>

9

<p>OP, sometimes we just don’t know where we want our life to go when we are 18, and that’s OK! Address your health first, then try something different for a while. Get a job, look into associate or certificate programs. Then, if and when you are ready, you can still go get that 4 year degree, perhaps part time at a local school like I did. It won’t be the same experience you would have had going straight through, but trust me, you will appreciate each and every class when you are paying for them yourself as an adult. </p>

10

<p>OP- therapy isn’t about breakthroughs. Therapy is about learning ways to manage your life so you don’t feel sad or mad or frustrated or anxious all the time. Therapy is about learning specific ways to communicate with your mom so you don’t feel so awful when you hang up the phone. A therapist can help you change the way you ask for help so you don’t feel betrayed that people you love can’t quite help you in the way you need to be helped.</p>

<p>This must be a very scary and anxious process for you. But before you tackle your family or make any big changes in your life i think getting some help for your depression is in order. Hugs. Go find someone on the counseling team who can talk to you.</p>

11

<p>My mother is a nurse, too, and when I was in college she pooh-poohed the idea that I needed therapy. Believe me, I needed it. </p>

<p>“Making a grad student cry” does not sound like competent therapy to me. You need to find someone who works for you. Not everyone will. It sounds to me as if you are in definite need of medication. (BTDT, also.)</p>

<p>Get. Help. NOW. Do not consult your mother. </p>

<p>BTW, my kid did not figure out what he wanted to do until near the end of senior year. He’s now gainfully and happily employed in that profession. Don’t listen to people who tell you you have to follow some unimaginative, obvious path or you are a failure.</p>

12

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<p>You are not “screwed up in the head”, and a grad student is not a licensed psychologist. </p>

<p>You’ve already been diagnosed with depression which is a brain chemistry malfunction. Psychiatry is about remediation of brain chemistry malfunctions. You need a competent doctor to determine what medication and what dosage will adjust your brain chemistry to where it should be. There is some trial and error. </p>

<p>Once you are on medication, and your brain chemistry is restored, it’s the time to get therapy from a licensed psychologist. The therapy is about developing strategies about how to handle things and then executing them. Think of it as education. If you get good at using the strategies, you can then see if the psychiatrist can taper you off the medication. </p>

13

<p>For your scoliosis, you need to find a good physician. My husband is one, and believe me, all doctors are not good even with the same education. Look for the doctors with clinical teaching awards - that means they are good. Find reviews on the internet - don’t just go to any doctor.</p>

<p>Medical school is a long, rigorous road and not the only road. My husband said many people begin as pre-med but not all end up finishing. How about pharmacy or dentistry? Orthodontics?</p>

<p>We all want to please our parents, but some just can’t be pleased - they want to bend their kids like bonsai plants. You are going to have to break away.Think of moving out on your own and attending community college - starting over. Be brave. Frankly, I don’t think therapy is for everyone. Sitting around talking about problems is a downer. Move on and start a new life - you can do it. Don’t allow your parents to control your life if they are asking you to do things that don’t work for you. Waitressing is a good job while attending college - good money and you will be around people.</p>

<p>America is the land of opportunities. You can fail again and again and pick yourself up and start over.</p>

<p>You don’t need drugs, you need a life change. I was in a similar situation of depression when I was young and I didn’t need drugs - I needed a life change. I actually needed to be away from my bad family life at home. </p>

14

<p>“We all want to please our parents, but some just can’t be pleased - they want to bend their kids like bonsai plants.”</p>

<p>One of the greatest adages I have come across on CC !!!</p>

15

<p>Well, except you might need drugs. You could have a chemical imbalance in your brain and require drugs to get well. You are an adult and can take control of your medical care now. Can your dad help out financially? </p>

<p>I like the advice above that America is the land of opportunity. You are still young and have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do. Get well first!</p>

16

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<p>That is not a description of effective therapy.</p>

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<p>Please do not listen to this. It sounds like your mother. </p>

<p>Yes, I agree you need a life change. But you may need drugs AND effective therapy to make that happen. </p>

17

<p>Our society is overprescribed on drugs. There are kids strung out on Ritalin who don’t have ADD - they are simply sleep-deprived. There is pain med abuse. My husband has sat in group meetings where patients try to weasel more drugs. She shouldn’t listen to one therapist and start drugs. Sometimes drugs can make things worse. Sure, it’s possible there is a chemical imbalance, but the life change should come first, and then see a different therapist. Circumstances and environment can easily lead to depression. When people kill themselves, they aren’t necessarily mentally ill.</p>

<p>And yes, many therapists/psychologists do sit around and talk about the problems and try to give advice. For me, I’d rather move on because if anyone thinks they can change another person without the person seriously wanting to change, they are sadly mistaken. My brother, however, likes to open the can of worms with a therapist. To each his own.</p>

18

<p>This doesn’t address your need for therapy, likely drugs to treat your depression, your mom’s pressure on you, or your back issue. But you CAN take some pro-active steps to determine if there are any majors that appeal to you. There is something called the “Book of Majors” that you can get from CollegeBoard. Your career office or the library may have a copy. Get a couple packs of post-its (maybe green and yellow) and go through. Read about each major and the kind of jobs you can get with each. Mark anything that sound really interesting with a green post-it, and “maybes” with a yellow. When you are done, look back over what you have marked for patterns. You may find some groupings of similar majors, or something you hadn’t thought of before at your current school. Once you get some majors in mind, check out whether your school offers them, and go see the career office for more info about where students in those majors are getting jobs.</p>

<p>I am not sure from your posts, is it possible for you to get a medical withdrawal for the semester or year while you regroup? When you are up for another semester (here or at another school), maybe take a class in 2-3 majors that interest you. Work with the career office to see if you can get an internship that uses one of them, or see if you can help a professor with research. You might consider taking 2 classes – one might not cover material that interests you or you could get a really good/bad professor that influences you. Hopefully then you will be in a position to pick a major direction that works for you.</p>

<p>Don’t count on tests or conversations with other people (or your mom) on what you SHOULD be interested in majoring in. Listen to your own voice and interests. You are the one who will work for potentially many years in this field, so you should step back and do your own research on options. Sounds like your pre-med experience gave your confidence a blow – this happens to a lot of students, don’t feel bad. Step back and look again at the other options and find a new path for yourself. Good luck!</p>

19

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<p>Indeed, but the psychiatrist will evaluate the severity of the depression, and if it’s not that severe might agree with NoSoccerMom, or might prescribe the smallest dose to see if it has a positive impact to allow you to function. It takes about 8 weeks to see the effect of something like prozac or zoloft. </p>

<p>In the meantime, therapy is about rewiring your brain to identify and develop good behavioral approaches to the things that cause the depression. That takes much longer to have a lasting impact. However you will get there. If your condition is not too severe, the psychiatrist will work with you to tapered off remove the medication. </p>

<p>Many people have been helped by this approach. </p>

<p>Nobody is advocating listening to one therapist and starting drugs. Therapists don’t prescribe drugs. Psychiatrists do and only after an evaluation. </p>

20

<p>The way your scoliosis was handled sounds like not the fault of the medicine. Your mom refused the preventative treatment that was recommended, and left you with a problem that got worse and still needs to be addressed. I would not allow her to make any more medical decisions for you. You need a doctor for the scoliosis and most likely a psychiatrist. </p>

<p>See whether you can take a medical leave, use the time to address your health issues and also think about careers and majors. Things can get better. A 3.0 in tough premed classes is not that terrible. It may not get you into med school but most likely if you change majors or even get into the more advanced classes your grades will go up. And you don’t have to be a doctor. No one has to be a doctor. Even if you are interested in health care, there are many other related careers that do not require med school.</p>