I don't like this idea!

Parents Forum
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<p>You have a much more basic problem with your marriage than with this job issue, I think. You should talk to a marriage counselor and possibly an attorney, in my opinion. </p>

<p>It seems to me that it is reasonable for you to ask him to remain in his job here and see what happens. Just because the market is bad, if he still has a job (which it sounds like he does), he should stay. If he really loses his job, that is the time to look at other job options. He sounds awfully selfish to me, though, so maybe he will go ahead with his plan. If he does go ahead, you should absolutely talk to an attorney and get advice on how to protect yourself financially if he does not come back or if he plays around with other women and you decide to divorce him.</p>

<p>You still haven’t answered the questions about yours and his ethnicity (and citizenship status could be important). Also, what country is he considering going to? What is his line of work? All of that information might influence what is appropriate for you to do.</p>

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<p>OP, why not just let him go for a month or so to see how it works?</p>

<p>At any rate, the US’s job availability (spfail) has dropped so much that people are starting to look overseas for one where they are more available.</p>

43

<p>This sounds like a situation where family or marriage counseling might be something to consider.</p>

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<p>Wow. H wants to work overseas for two years, without wife and kids, for his own happiness? Hmmnnmmm…</p>

<p>My first thought is that I would try my best to find a way for the whole family to have this adventure together, in the foreign country. Even if there is NO English language school available, I could home-school the younger one and the older one or both can do high school on line, and we can all study the native language. Perhaps the new company has provisions to help spouses find work?</p>

<p>So, H does NOT want his family to come along, even if the wife were to desire that? </p>

<p>In a good marriage, the marriage itself is the center, the basis of each partner’s life. Each partner can be very independent, and do lots of things, have lots of interests apart from each other; even take occasional separate vacations, or work apart from each other for weeks, even months at a time. You might have good friends of the opposite gender. But big decisions are always made together, with the interests of the marriage and the family as priority #1. But voluntarily abandoning your children and your wife for two years when it is not absolutely necessary and unavoidable? Does the H really believe that his presence is unnecessary for his sons? Does he want to teach his sons that this is what dads do: abandon their families in order to make money? Put aside the wife for now–she can always find a new guy (sort of), but the kids can’t get a new dad. In fact, if the couple were in fact divorcing at this time, custody orders could likely preclude the father from moving thousands of miles away from the kids. It does not sound as though this husband is interested in a true married partnership with his wife. He sounds pathologically selfish. That part isn’t new…</p>

<p>What I would do:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Today, or yesterday, take out 1/2 of all the family assets and place them into my own account. </p></li>
<li><p>Get an attorney. Probably without telling the husband.</p></li>
<li><p>Try one more time to talk to H, maybe with a counselor, to see if this marriage can be saved. If not:</p></li>
<li><p>Calmly inform H that if his decision is to go without the family, then the marriage is over, and he needs to move out TODAY. If he wants to stay together, then he agrees to couples counseling.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Good luck with this, either way, it won’t be easy.</p>

45

<p>I agree with Soproanomom.</p>

<p>In addition, I am very concerned that he plans to leave a current job to move overseas for a new job that doesn’t pay the usual benefits that are offered when people move overseas to work. It’s normal to get health insurance, to have one’s family relocated, and to get private schooling for one’s kids.</p>

<p>Does he really have a job offer or is he running off with a girlfriend? IF it is a job offer, it sounds like a fly by night company that may not last that long. He probably would be financially better off staying in his present job while continuing to look for employment in the U.S.</p>

46

<p>Kids can do on-line school/homeschool for a very reasonable cost. We moved 3 times in 5 years while my two oldest were in high school–they were homeschooled. </p>

<p>The third time we moved, H moved to another state (he changed jobs because he felt the job he had was too stressful) almost a year before the family (we couldn’t sell our house). Being separated that year–only by 4hour drive–was not good for our marriage/family. I wouldn’t want to do that again. I would try to keep the family together. </p>

<p>It sounds like the OP may be from a culture where the man does as he pleases, or just tells his wife what to do. I would take the kids and go with him if you want to be with him and keep the family together. Being overseas will be an enriching experience for the kids.
But it does sound like being with his wife and kids is not a high priority for this husband.</p>

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<p>“But it does sound like being with his wife and kids is not a high priority for this husband.”</p>

<p>You are right!</p>

<p>Last night, he told me there are a lot of wives stay here with kids while husbands work overseas. He thinks it is perfectly normal.</p>

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<p>Most Americans would not think this is normal, but it does seem to be fairly common in some cultures.</p>

<p>If your husband sees a lot of his co-workers moving away from their families, it might appear “normal” to him.</p>

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<p>As long as he keeps sending money home, you can do whatever you want while he’s gone. Including finding another man. Which I think would be an excellent idea.</p>

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<p>I know many families whose DHs work all over the world; most of the kids seem to have developed very well with the experiences. Some places (Saudi, Africa, etc) require sending the kids back to North America for HS which seems to be paid by the company. Other areas have international schools available.</p>

<p>Is your husband getting a job with a multi-national firm which would support the schooling needs? Or is he actually getting a job at a country which only functions in that foreign country.</p>

<p>Did I miss it or did you say what country? Or area of the world?</p>

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<p>Quote:</p>

<p>As long as he keeps sending money home, you can do whatever you want while he’s gone. Including finding another man. Which I think would be an excellent idea.</p>

<p>D*#n straight! Exactly correct.</p>

<p>This husband seems to think he can do whatever he wants to regardless of his wife’s wishes. I suppose he can. But there will be consequences. I hope the OP lets him know that he must make decisions in concert with her, if he wishes to stay married. If he behaves as though he is not married, so can she!</p>

<p>Quote:</p>

<p>Last night, he told me there are a lot of wives stay here with kids while husbands work overseas. He thinks it is perfectly normal.</p>

<p>Tell him that divorce is perfectly normal as well.</p>

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<p>I am not an marriage counselor or advice columnist or whatever. Something I believe is go with your gut and my sense is that your gut is telling you something that you may not care to share on this forum. </p>

<p>It appears there is fear that you have that things will not turn out right if H does what he wants to do. There are three choices: Work it out with him to come up with a better alternative, let him go and hope for the best, let him go and while hoping for the best prepare for the worst. Marriage counseling might help if you are going with plans 1 or 3.</p>

<p>Not easy as it sounds, not pretty by any means, but if your gut is telling you something, trust it.</p>

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<p>I think that hope’s concerns are valid, even if she has a strong marriage. There is this little thing that affects men called biology…
Here is what you could do, hope. Tell your husband that you would like to sit down with him and work out and compare the budgets for the various scenarios:
Scenario 1: You give up your job, go with your husband and kids, kids attend private school.
Scenario 2: Husband goes overseas, you keep your job, stay in U.S. with kids. But -this is important - be sure to include in this budget monthly visits with your husband. He flies home during the months that your kids do not have a school break or vacation. You and the kids fly there during each school break or vacation. Include the cost of airfare, accomodations, food, and if you cannot get paid time off from work, include the cost of taking time off without pay (even if you find out later that your employer will not allow this, just budget for it anyway for a point of comparison).
Scenario 3: Your husband finds a job in U.S. and you continue to live together as a family, with kids attending public school
Other scenarios: Whatever else you can think of, such as you go with husband and younger child, older child stays with relatives or friends and flies to visit you, or kids go to intensive language training and then attend public school overseas, or whatever.</p>

<p>My hunch is that Scenario 1 will be way too expensive, but that Scenario 2 will also be very expensive, surprising your husband, and he will give more consideration to Scenario 3.
Good luck!</p>

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<p>OP – of course you “don’t like this idea,” because it’s an incredibly lousy one. IMO, it doesn’t really matter what ethnicity we’re talking about – if one partner in the marriage doesn’t like a plan like this, it shouldn’t happen. It doesn’t make even the tiniest bit of difference if this is “normal” or acceptable to many from this culture; the fact is it is NOT acceptable to you, and it’s YOUR marriage. Your husband’s attitude is selfish and one-sided. (Again, IMO) Everyone has to weigh the pros and cons of situations in their own life. My decision in the same situation may or may not be the same as yours, and that’s fine. Just know that you have to live with the consequences.</p>

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<p>“Scenario 1: You give up your job, go with your husband and kids, kids attend private school.” </p>

<p>He definitely does not go with Scenario 1. He said, “Definitely NO!”</p>

<p>“Scenario 2:” He probably visits here once a while. How often, I don’t know. Maybe he will stay here a few days every 6 months? I don’t think he wants us to visit there often because 3 tickets cost a lot more than 1 ticket.</p>

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<p>Should I just wait here until he finds a gf and move the money to his gf and come back to divorce me???</p>

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<p>People here have suggested that you talk to a lawyer and also take control over finances. Read the good advice others have posted on this thread. To me, it seems like your husband’s actions indicate his family is not important to him. He is acting like someone who’s planning to divorce and move permanently to another country. You need to financially protect yourself and your children. You can’t prevent your husband from moving away, but you can prevent the kind of financial hardship that could result if he moves away and cleans out your accounts.</p>

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<p>Thank you all very much!!!</p>

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<p>Follow Northstarmom’s advice. </p>

<p>We only know what we can see from the words in your posts and of course, it’s one sided, somewhat emotional, and limited in context, but it sure seems as if your H has no interest in the marriage or family and is looking for an excuse to get away. You need to protect your kids and yourself financially if this is actually what he has in mind. If he were to move to a foreign country and at the same time transfer most of your family’s assets to himself it may be very difficult to go after him legally once he’s left this country.</p>

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<p>I just took an overseas assignment. I asked H and D2 if they wante me to commute back and forth or if they wanted to come. I offered D2 to go to a boarding school or stay with my parents to finish off at her current school. Both of them wanted to move with me. I have to say, I was very relieved with that decision. It is very hard to be in a foreign country by yourself. I did the commuting for 2 months for D2 to finish her school year. I am very happy to have them with me now. D2 will also be a junior in high school and she will be going to an American International school and doing IB. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will be an easy transition for her. </p>

<p>No matter what culture you are from, it is very stranger when your husband is not interested in having you with him- just to have his dinner ready and laundry done have to be of some value to him.</p>