I don't want to go to college.

Parents Forum
1

<p>I've been accepted to every school I applied to, and I'm slated to enter SUNY New Paltz during the upcoming semester. I was freaking out because the dreaded May 1st deadline was rapidly approaching and I was no closer to choosing where I wanted to go than when I had first applied. I was hoping I'd be rejected by a school or two just to narrow my options. Two were written out because of their costs, but I ended up picking New Paltz essentially out of a hat. It reminded me aesthetically of a different school that I liked, plus it was a bit of a pride thing, as New Paltz was my "reach school" that my guidance counselor made me apply to.</p>

<p>So now it's June, and I've realized something. I really don't like New Paltz. I've tried to get excited but it just isn't working. I've talked to people on an official New Paltz group, and its only making me dread it more. I don't really like the location or the people. Plus, I've hardly ever been on my own, and the change just seems to dramatic. I've been dreading orientation and dreading the start of the semester even more. I really don't want to go to New Paltz. I feel it'll be a waste of my time and my family's money. I've even talked to older New Paltz students and everything they've described is everything I've been fearing. So, needless to say, I'm in a state of panic.</p>

<p>I've told my parents about the situation and brought up feasible options, i.e. community college. I don't think a four-year school - particularly one I put so little thought into - is the environment for me right now, but they refuse to hear it. They're not accepting any alternatives and won't even hear me out. They shoot down anything I propose.</p>

<p>I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions on maybe convincing my parents otherwise or of a better option than just "sticking it out and seeing if I like it" (to quote my parents). Any help would be appreciated!</p>

2

<p>If I were the parent, I’d never force a kid into a situation like the one you describe. But your parents obviously feel differently.</p>

<p>You have an option, assuming you’re 18 - get a job, move out, and get on with your life. Go to community college part time, or trade school, or just forget the whole thing. You can always change your mind later if you decide that’s best for you.</p>

<p>But as long as you’re living under your parents’ roof, on their dime, they have the right and the ability to pretty much call the shots.</p>

3

<p>A lot of kids get “cold feet” right before college. S#1 was like this–his parting words, as he was getting in the car to go to the airport, were: “I don’t wanna go to college. . .”
He was young for his class and was worried about being “too immature for college” and that the work would be “too hard.” Knowing that our son tends to worry and overthink, we didn’t take these comments too seriously or act like “not going” was really an option.
We didn’t suggest a gap year. We just felt that college would be the right thing for him at that time–in spite of his vague misgivings. We “made” him go.
After a few weeks he told me, “Mom, I noticed something. . . the guys here are even MORE immature than I am.” He did fine and graduated in 4 years.
rangers: Do you think what you’re feeling could be (normal) pre-college jitters or anxiety about this big change?
Maybe your parents think that’s what it is, and that’s why they’re telling you to go ahead with the plan and see if you like it.<br>
If your issues are more serious than that, you may have to make it clear to your parents exactly why you’d prefer to go to the community college. They’re probably thinking you’ll get over your jitters and everything will be fine when you get there.</p>

4

<p>First of all, congratulations on getting accepted to your reach college. It sounds like an interesting place. But that doesn’t mean that you should have to go now, if you don’t feel ready. Can you defer for a year? Sometimes students are academically ready, but need another year to mature socially. My son got the extra year up front because he wasn’t 5 before December of his Kindergarten year, so he was almost 19 when he entered college. I don’t see the point in rushing this.</p>

5

<p>I would tell my child to give it a semester–but give it an honest try. If, after a semester where you got involved on campus, joined a couple clubs or whatever, spent time with people in your dorm, etc. and you still did not like the school, they could look into applying elsewhere or come home and work full time.</p>

<p>It’s new, exciting and scary to go off to college.</p>

6

<p>I agree, it’s hard to tell if you are having the kind of anxiety that so many feel before college or if you have very good reasons for balking.</p>

<p>I know many students who felt the way you do right now, who did go, and did fine. I know some who stayed home and did CC or worked, then went away, but honestly, that seemed like a harder path in many ways.</p>

<p>I suggest maybe talking with a counselor who works with people your age, whom you can talk to and sort this out.</p>

<p>Are you feeling as if you don’t want to go to college at all, or is it just for this coming year? Nothing wrong with deferring and doing a gap year, or community college.</p>

<p>I have read something about how 1/3 of kids graduating from high school are ready intellectually, 1/3 emotionally, and 1/3 neither ( I may have this wrong, since some would be ready in both ways, but you get the idea).</p>

<p>How far is New Paltz from your home? Are you nervous socially, academically, or about leaving home, or all of the above? Do you have subjects that interest you? Do you need more time to develop along these lines before going?</p>

<p>Try and stay away from negative people. There are criticisms to be made of all schools, and it is not helpful to read or hear when you are anxious about going.</p>

<p>Off the top, and this is not like me (I usually am in favor of not going), I would encourage you to consider going. It sounds, on the surface, as if you are normally nervous and might have a good year once you get through the first semester. It is a difficult transition, and many are still feeling like going home at winter break, but by the end of the first year most have adjusted.</p>

<p>I tell my kids that this is a hard time of life. It isn’t easy for anyone, no matter how it might look. Be kind to yourself!</p>

7

<p>Go to SUNY New Paltz. You will find that your fears were unwarranted. Make some friends. Hit the books. Reassess after a year.</p>

8

<p>Is this anxiety an old pattern for you? Were you anxious before HS? Do you get anxious before most exams or big projects? If so, do you resolve your anxiety fairly easily, or have things just become worse every year?</p>

<p>Go talk with your HS guidance counselor, a teacher you trust, or another non-parent adult about this. If it is just normal pre-freshman jitters that is one thing. If it is a long-standing anxiety issue it is another. I know a young person who went through her entire 200k+ college fund, and has barely two years of college credits because she failed so many semesters due to her anxiety issues. She now is successfully following her medical and talk therapy, and is studying at community college, but it has been a tough experience for her whole family.</p>

9

<p>At the very least, go to the orientation. Then see what you think.</p>

10

<p>Your parents probably believe that this is a case of pre-college jitters and that everything will be fine once you actually start at college.</p>

<p>You are more skeptical.</p>

<p>Either of you could be right. </p>

<p>I thought my son would hate going away to college and want to commute or transfer to a community college. It turned out that he loved it. People’s reactions to a situation can be difficult to predict.</p>

<p>Given your parents’ attitude, I think you’re going to have to start at New Paltz, but you’re only making a one-semester commitment. People only pay one semester’s tuition at a time. If the experience turns out to be as unpleasant as you suspect it will be, you can take a leave of absence and go to a community college for the next three semesters. </p>

<p>There’s one thing that I want you to think about that hasn’t been brought up yet: orientation and college are two different experiences. </p>

<p>Regardless of whether your orientation is during the summer or just before classes begin, it will be an experience that has little or no resemblance to actual life at New Paltz. Some people love orientation and then have a big letdown when classes start. Others are overwhelmed by all the details crammed into their heads at orientation or feel uncomfortable in the party atmosphere but settle in just fine once classes start. So don’t let your feelings about orientation – whatever they may be – get to you. What really matters is what comes later.</p>

11

<p>What would you rather do? Do you have some solid alternatives? </p>

<p>My advice is to give it a go. While there, think of what you would rather be doing that is useful. Lying on the couch, watching tv or just hanging around is not something parents will support. If you really don’t like it there, you should have an alternative route to discuss with your parents. You are an adult for just about everything (except drinking and paying for college), so you don’t have to do things you don’t want to do. But the truth about college is that it is socially acceptable and nice way to get a kid out of the house, on his own feet. Your parents may not want you living full time at home anymore and this is how they are trying to transition you out.</p>

12

<p>I think “I have never being on my own” is what is scaring you. A lot of kids get anxious about sharing a room/bathroom with strangers, worrying about not having someone to eat with or go to party with. The way to deal with it is to know everyone is in the same boat. They are all anxious like you.</p>

<p>I had very fond memories of living in a dorm. All the goofy stuff we did and staying up all night to talk about nothing. When I had a bad day, I could always count on having someone around for me to talk with. If I wanted to order a pizza, a shout down the hall could always get few people to go in with me on it. </p>

<p>A school is really just a school. I don’t know anything about New Paltz, but it has professors and lots of students, just like any other college. You are there to study. When you were going to high school, you didn’t have 10 choices, you went to your local public school. You dealt with all the good, bad and ugly, and you got your 4 years education.</p>

<p>If you are not sure if going to college is the right path for you then I would be more inclined to have you take a year off. But if it is whether it should be New Paltz or another school, you really wouldn’t know if New Paltz is a bad choice until you show up. I would encourage you to go for a semester to see if you like it. Your parents don’t seem to have an issue paying for it.</p>

13

<p>You haven’t mentioned if you have a preferred major. Some kids leaving for college without a preferred major are worried they are going to waste their parent’s money. If that is part of your concern, have a plan to deal with that. D1 was telling me yesterday how her boyfriend at college did this. He had a few ideas of things he might major in, so over his first three semesters he tried to take 2 classes in each of the departments he was interested in. He got an internship in one of the fields after freshman year. And he spent quite a bit of time in the career office at college discussing what he could do for jobs with the different majors. They helped him with some aptitude tests as well.</p>

<p>Regarding being on your own, everyone at college is looking for new friends when they get there. Hardly anyone has someone to sit with at lunch, or go for pizza with, or whatever. Lots of people have not lived on their own, and many have not traveled or even gone to longer camps or something like that on their own. You will not be alone! Go to orientation and be friendly. Everyone there is looking for friends. I made my best friends in college through orientation (some people I met, some that a guy from my high school met and introduced me to). The first semester, again, be friendly… all the other freshman in your dorm and classes don’t know many people, either. Go on any dorm outings or activities, even if they aren’t your first choice of stuff to do. Leave your door open when you are in your room. Sit with someone by themselves in the cafeteria to meet someone new.</p>

<p>Per the official group, you will not like/be friends with everyone at the college. Don’t let that put you off too much. D1 joined the Facebook group for her college, and didn’t really end up “in person” friends with hardly any of those people.</p>

14

<p>As SamIam, insisted, “try it, you may like it”. </p>

<p>Back some years ago, I remember talking with some parents in agony at the airport… They left their sobbing daughter at college. She did not want to go and when she got there, she had a melt down. The dad was sure she’d be back home in a week.</p>

<p>Four years later, I saw the same parents with their poised, radiant daughter at graduation. Sometimes it works out. It’s great that you have this opportunity for a new experience. Do well so that your options remain open, but if you find other things you prefer to do, especially that you can do yourself, make plans to do them. Just realize your parents are not obliged to support you anymore. You are an adult.</p>

15

<p>Be sure you feel the samy way about it a minimum of 3 days in a row before you make a decision. If you are waffling you are not ready to decide. Hang in there. Cold feet is normal. Really.</p>

16

<p>Please take everything you “hear” from others about your school with a grain of salt. Go for a semester with eyes and heart wide open. Make it YOUR experience, not theirs. If you hate it at the Christmas break, re-evaluate then.</p>

17

<p>The thing is, I do know one student who was sort of pushed to start college before she was ready and she had to go home mid-first semester with anxiety problems. She was on the young side. Her parents thought it would be ok because she was/is so smart (and she is) but she wasn’t quite ready for a big OOS University experience at that moment. Listen to your kid is my mantra. They do often know something.</p>

18

<p>

why? what is it about New Paltz that you don’t like? You don’t have to be “in love” with a school to have a good experience.

<br>
FB groups are self-selecting. Don’t let that put you off - you will find that there are lots of different people there.

lots of students feel that way. Most haven’t been on their own either, and almost everyone who goes, does fine. Don’t take your worry as a sign that this is the wrong decision. nerves are common.

what exactly have they described that you are fearing?</p>

19

<p>If you were not a very strong student I would recommend the community college option. It is a good place to learn and improve your study skills. But if you are a strong student you might really like going to a real college. You can always apply to other schools in the meantime.</p>

20

<p>The advice on this thread is pretty good. Basically it should make you think harder about what your motivation is. It is true that you can’t really know what a school will be like or a situation will be like until you are immersed in it. That said i can also understand why you would want to stay home.</p>

<p>I know most people that post on this site think that going away to a prestigious school is the best idea. So, maybe it would be good for your future if you did so, but the option of staying home and going to the local community college is OK too.</p>

<p>It is hard to leave home for the first time. It is a huge step and can be pretty scary. Going to a big school and being surrounded by complete strangers is pretty scary too. If you can’t see yourself getting past the initial discomfort and becoming accustomed to life there, then take the CC route. Yes it will mean an argument at home but if you have a well thought out reason, it should make a difference. Remember though that you will make friends and find people with similar interests. The people that you eventually find to hang with will make your experience away at school, not the people that you have been talking to in the group.</p>