<p>Geez, at our house, it takes a well-presented case to get 250 txts per month. None of us has unlimited. However, I know S2’s GF got burned when she got to college because while she and S2 kept their txts to their respective limits, she began getting texts from all her new friends because that’s the way they communicate. Those incoming txts from everyone else put her over the limit. S2 asked us to change his plan (and is paying the difference) in anticipation of the same thing happening.</p>
<p>I do not know a single teenager who would object to pitching in a few bucks towards unlimited text if it meant saving money and getting parents off their backs regarding overages. I do know many parents who will not sign up because they do not trust their kids to use it responsibly.</p>
<p>I think there are very few teens who do not have unlimited text message feature, and almost all parents I know are paying for it. Hard for me to believe any parent would ask their kids to chip in for text message ($20 or $30 for unlimited for the whole family, how cheap is that?) </p>
<p>denise515 - I can’t help but get the sense that you think your parenting skill is far superior than most parents. I could be wrong…</p>
<p>“Why are there so many parents who feel that once their kids turn 18 they are adults…”
Because legally, they are. They can serve on juries, join the military, get tattoos, get a medical marijuana prescription, get married, gamble all their money away in an Indian casino, get a nose ring, vote, get an abortion, buy cigarettes- all without asking anyone’s permission. My daughter got summoned to serve on a grand jury yesterday. I would like to think that I raised her to be able to handle that responsibility, because the government seems to think she can.
Nevertheless, that doesn’t imply that I have to step completely out of her life…who ever said that during this discussion? I’m very much in her life by mutual agreement. To me, treating her as an adult means letting go of the reins, even if she strays off course. It means if I give her a gift, like a cell phone, I don’t attach strings, like monitoring her use of it, whether I pay the bill or not. If I give her a computer, I don’t attach strings, like looking at her search history or Facebook page. If she wants to go somewhere on the weekend, she doesn’t need to ask me or even tell me, because I don’t need to know where she is every second. She is most likely not going to end up dead.
I also believe if I pay for her college education, that doesn’t give me the right to determine her “college experience”. Of course, I don’t have to pay for activities I don’t support, like Spring Break in Miami, but she can with her own money from her job. She’s over 18. We have built up a relationship built on trust because as she went through high school I gave her more and more autonomy, like no curfew and unlimited texting ($5 a month) rather than trying to limit her and all the headache that implies. And guess what? She didn’t abuse her trust.</p>
<p>Have I stepped completely out of her life? Of course not. We chat several times a week. I don’t need to check her text messaging patterns to get her “general mood”, because I don’t need a constant update on her general mood. Can’t one have one’s moods to oneself? She’s 18. If she were suicidal, I don’t think that would show up in the text messaging patterns. It would drive me crazy if my mom were always asking, “How are you feeling today honey? You sound a little down.” Aaarrggh!</p>
<p>I’m 55, and I would be really, really upset if I thought my mother or father were checking my texting or calling records to see what kind of mood I was in, where I was, or for any reason at all. If I were 18 or 19, I would be even more upset. Jeesh, can’t a person have a little privacy? So what if she’s still up at 4 am and has class at 8? That’s how college students roll. They are not old fogies like us.</p>
<p>What will happen is you will find out something minor and non-life threatening that you don’t like and make a big deal out of it. And your kids will resent you for it, and start lying and sneaking around, to get away from the worrywort parents. As happened to the OP.</p>
<p>@tptshorty:
That’s what most parents are saying too…You don’t want to pay for activities you don’t support (Spring break to Miami), no different than other parents who don’t want to pay for cell phone usage they don’t support. You don’t have an issue with your daughter texting at 4am, but some parents do. You have an issue with your daughter going to Miami on a Spring break, but other parents don’t. Who is to say what’s right or wrong. What make you think your benchmark is better than others.</p>
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<p>You may believe what OP’s D has done is minor, but I for one do not think that’s the case. I also do not think anything OP has done to encourage the daughter to behave in such a manner. It is very easy to believe one’s parenting skill is so superior to someone else’s and that’s why one’s kid is such a role model. Sometimes it could just be pure luck (or bad luck).</p>
<p>I don’t know where my kids are at all moments. I don’t know who they call or who calls them. I am not friends on FB and have no clue their use of the internet. One of my kids went to college at 16 and wasn’t even an adult. </p>
<p>But I do know if they travel out of town from the cities in which they are located. We do not consider that monitoring but common family courtesy (even older adult to older adult). I have a kid in France right now. I believe she plans a trip this weekend. I know she will confirm that with me and tell me where she will be. I have a kid flying to Abu Dhabi tomorrow night. She just forwarded me her itinerary and we have called to get her phone activated there. She will call when she arrives. I don’t know where each daughter is this very second, no. I don’t need to know . I don’t monitor their phone usage. We have unlimited texts. We do look at our bills. Our kids also chose to share their grades with us. Our kids like to share about their lives and activities. They do not need permission to do anything as young adults. If my money is involved, I do have awareness and say how my money is used. My kids are currently supporting themselves but we are still paying health care and for the phone. My younger one wanted internet and email on her phone and as that is an extra, she pays for that extra. We pay for the family plan on the phone and all foreign phones they have used in their many travels because WE want them to have the phones so they can be in touch with us. My kids have not abused any of these things. We do not monitor their adult lives. But we are aware of some basic things such as travel out of town from where they live. Neither has EVER complained about sharing with us their travel plans. The reason they share travel plans (which are all their own decision) is so that Mommy doesn’t worry! Besides, they like to confer with us about their plans. D1 is 24 and talked with us about plans of something she will do in Cambridge, England next month before she made her arrangements. That was her choice to do. D2 discussed maybe going to India for a few days next week before she made a decision. We don’t decide for them but sometimes they want our opinion! And they know we just want to be informed when they travel out of town.</p>
<p>You wanna know what a 650 text/day girl looks like? Last semester there was one in my English class and she’d text through the ENTIRE class. She was totally absorbed by her phone throughout class, through the breaks - I even saw her texting while walking (and I imagine if she had a car, she was texting while driving). </p>
<p>This was a class of oh… 30 people? I recall the teacher finally got fed up of her texting and asked her to put her phone away or she’d have to leave the class. It was… quite out of control and definitely the worst case of “texting girlfriend” I’ve seen. </p>
<p>At my college they’re all over campus though, it’s kinda annoying to do lab projects with someone that is screwing around with their phone half the time. ><</p>
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<p>I think OP’s D is “crazy in love” and will wake up one day and say, “What was I thinking?!!” Let’s hope that in the meantime she doesn’t make secret trips to South America while leading everyone to believe that she is hiking on the Appalachian Trail…</p>
<p>ellemenope…that’s funny!</p>
<p>Face it, college freshman girls aren’t the only ones who do destructive things when they are in love. If a grown man with everything to lose can do such stupid things…</p>
<p>Points well taken, oldfort. We can agree to disagree about what we have issues with regarding our adult children’s behavior. But you miss my point, which is that at 18, they have the right to control their lives. I strongly believe a college student has the right to text at 4am. The Spring break example was to show that I, too, don’t like a lot of stuff that college students do, and I don’t have to pay for what I don’t like. But I wouldn’t stop my adult child from going somewhere if she spent her own money.
Yes, of course a parent can give an adult child a gift and then tell them how to use it. You can give your 20-year-old a car and then tell them they can only drive it to work and back. You can attach any conditions that you want to anything you give your adult children. You can give them a cell phone and tell them to only use it to call home. (To me, that’s a different issue than paying for Spring Break, which is a vacation that I can’t afford).You can offer to pay for your daughter’s wedding but only if your ex-husband doesn’t bring his new wife. You can buy your daughter a house but only if her new husband signs a pre-nup.</p>
<p>Frankly, I have no idea why the OP’s daughter is behaving the way she is. Mine is no angel, believe me. If I told you the some of the stories from her freshman year, you would freak out. You would definitely think I am a lousy mother. There were times when I used exactly the same words as the title of this thread, “I don’t know who she is anymore.” (That’s why I started responding on it). But my point is, I tried not to freak out or interfere, because all of her dramas resolved themselves. She’s back, in one piece, a sophomore, hopefully a year more mature. I’m just trying to let the OP know that a lot of these issues, such as excessive texting, resolve themselves. Do you really think she’s going to keep that up forever?</p>
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<p>Isn’t that the truth!</p>
<p>That is your projection and assumption, Old, not mine.</p>
<p>And I have asked my kids to contribute to payment of bills which they are a participant. It might be a buck or two but it’s them learning the principle that is worth more to me. I offer to pay what I think is fair or adequate for them and if they want more they are expected to make up the difference either in money, flexibility, or labor around the house contributions.</p>
<p>I am on an unlimited text plan that was $10 for me or $10 for my entire family. Obviously the latter made the most sense. But we use text as a means to save minutes and have a very low minute plan. They are contributing to this arrangement by not using more than 300 minutes each per month but have unlimited text. Their cooperation has saved me hundreds of dollars in extra phone charges over the past four years.</p>
<p>And if your kid is texting at 4am, maybe he or she went to bed at 9, and got up at 4am to cram for an 8am test, or to finish that research paper.</p>
<p>@Ellem. Here, here. History is littered with powerful and famous men who could not help themselves and self destructed in ‘love.’</p>
<p>Reading this thread makes me glad I have sons :)</p>
<p>and going OT for a minute again… responding to
The 2008 NS News edition has 124 “tier 1” schools, but the next category is “tier 3” in the national universities (no tier 2, but their is a tier 4) . The 2006 has 104 in the top category before going on to tier 3 and 4 . The 2004 edition has 123 before jumping to tiers 3 and 4. Now they have 191 in tier 1, and now there is a tier 2, but no tier 3 or 4? What total BS. What does this mean? This means that just when I thought I could finally throw away these old magazines, I found a reason to need them still!! :eek:</p>
<p>Let’s hope OP’s D wakes up before she runs aground…which is one thing that concerns her mother.</p>
<p>I guess I’d sit her down, tell her that we thought that her obsessive texting and visits home were interfering with her “job”–getting acclimated to college–and that it was inadvisable/wrong. She knows in her heart that that is the truth, or else why would she lie about it to us? We parents have given our advice (put in your parameters here) and she can do what it is she wants to do. But what must stop is lying to us–there is no more reason to lie since we will accept her choices in this matter.</p>
<p>Considering that D has always been a “good” kid, I have every expectation that she’ll wake up sooner rather than later.</p>
<p>Agreed Ellem. But I wonder what percentage of college freshman in their first month of college are practicing behavior which would make a parent concerned they are going to ‘run aground.’ I’m thinking it would be pretty high. I’m of the belief that it’s practically par for the course especially if they are away from home and relatively sure their parents are not going to find out. It’s those who have maturity and good support systems who get things turned around and focused on why they are there.</p>
<p>tptshorty, I do agree that the kids need to be independent of our monitoring when they are in college. So, like your example, it is not our business if they text at 4 AM. Lots of other examples that are not really our purview. </p>
<p>I do think that the OP has a justifiable concern however (not about that D is dating a BF she doesn’t agree with though) with the 650 texts per day. Let’s say the D sleeps about 8 hours per day and attends class 4 hours per day. She actually has a job too and I don’t know the hours of that and I’ll be generous and not even count the hours she is at work. That leaves 12 waking hours not in class. That comes to 54 texts per hour she is awake (I assume she hasn’t discovered how to text while asleep!). That is practically one text per minute. I just can’t fathom how a student could be studying, doing college activities, etc. with that many texts. I know college kids text a lot but that just is such a high number that I can’t imagine how she does much else. </p>
<p>I also think the mom has a right to some concern that the car is being used to travel back home every weekend when that was not the intention when letting her take it to school. So, some ground rules with the use of the car are needed. And I do think it is reasonable that when a young person is driving a great distance and is going to be out of town overnight, that the parents at least know it (they don’t have to approve). If I were trying to reach my kid at her school for some reason and she wasn’t even in that city, I’d be concerned. I think knowing what city they are in overnight is a common courtesy and safety issue. It is not about approval. I do not give my daughters approval of such things past high school. But they do let us know what city they will be in overnight and how they can be reached. And if they are traveling a long distance by car, they call to let us know they arrived safely. It is for peace of mind, not monitoring. I have had a child very seriously injured in a car crash and it gives me peace of mind knowing when she or her sister arrive some place after a long distance traveled.</p>