<p>He's in his early 40s, still not married. Doesn't date much, if at all (otherwise my sister and I would've found out about it). He's financially successful, likable, and good-looking. If he's not married/dating given these conditions, what is the likelihood that he's gay? He's also Catholic. My theory is that he believes in his faith so much (Vatican's teachings) that he denies his desire to pursue same-sex relationships. However, this is pure speculation only, since I don't even know if he's actually gay. This theory makes a lot of sense because my family (at least my dad) thinks that being homosexual is fine as long as the person doesn't pursue homosexual relations. Some of you are probably thinking that I should just leave him alone, since it's his life, not mine. I would do that, except I think he's miserable, and I want him to be happy (the luxury condo and Audi probably help though). If I were in his shoes, I would probably feel lonely. He has friends, but they have their own families to keep themselves occupied. Any ideas on how to I tell him that it's OK to come out? The problem is that I'm not even sure he's gay. Even though we're close, I don't want to offend him by suggesting he's gay if he's not or if he is but is not comfortable with it yet.</p>
<p>It's great that you love your uncle and want to be emotionally supportive of him.</p>
<p>I don't think that it would help him for you to say it's OK to come out. From how you describe your dad, for instance, it sounds like if your uncle came out and admitted having homosexual relations (which is very likely if he is indeed gay), there's a good chance your dad would cut off relations with your uncle and might even prevent your seeing your uncle. I also think that most middle aged adults would not take advice on such a personal issue from their teen-aged friends and relatives.</p>
<p>It may be supportive of your uncle if during a regular conversation, you happened to mention that you believe that being gay is a matter of genetics (if this is what you believe), and you wouldn't end a friendship with someone because they were gay. I do not suggest that you start a conversation about whether or not he's gay.</p>
<p>I also think it's important for you to realize that if your uncle is gay, there's a very good chance that he has a secret life that no one in your family knows about. Closeted gay people can be extremely skilled at having romantic and other homosexual relationships that even their closest friends and relatives have no knowledge of.</p>
<p>I have several friends who are gay, one of whom didn't let me know until we had been friends for more than 30 years. Long before she told me that she is gay, I had figured it out, but, other than casually mentioning now and then that I had some gay friends, I didn't raise the subject with her.</p>
<p>When she finally let me know, she was clearly terrified that I'd reject her, and it was a big relief to her when I told her that I had long ago figured it out, and, of course, her sexual orientation would not cause me to end our friendship.</p>
<p>How do you know he's miserable, or desires a same-sex relationship? And have you ever considered the possibility that Catholic Christianity might be true? If it is, and he is a homosexual, then he has been called to a vocation of chastity -- otherwise known as the single life. The Church teaches that many heterosexual people are called to this life as well. I'm not sure as of yet, but I may be one of them. </p>
<p>It sounds like your uncle is being faithful in living out his calling. As this is how God wants him to live, this is where his greatest happiness lies.</p>
<p>Just because he's good-looking, in his 40s, successful and doesn't date does not mean he's gay. There should be something more behavorial to point to homosexuality. Otherwise, he may just be commitment-phobic or asexual or any other condition that prevents relationships.</p>
<p>Personally, I wouldn't do anything in your situation with the info given. Sure, if you get into a conversation with him at some point that leads towards discussing sexual orientation or reglion, etc, then go ahead and state your opinion. If he turns out to be gay or not, he could feel really uncomfortable with you asking him or even bringing it up. I also agree with schrizto--he could be overly cautious in getting into a relationship, or find himself happy where his life is.</p>
<p>Fides, I just have a hard time believing that some people are genuinely happy being single all their lives. Maybe he thinks he's married to God or something... sacrificing his happiness for him. I'll ask him. Maybe he's having visions or something. What do you think? Is God talking to him?</p>
<p>That's good insight, NSM, especially the possibility of his having a secret life. Never thought of that. Of course, he's not the type of person that strikes me as having one, but we never know. </p>
<p>Schrizto, you're right. I don't know. I don't have statistics showing the likelihood of unmarried older men to be gay, but I suspect that the majority of men who never marry are gay. The study of social relations is always full of surprises though, so the opposite might turn out to be true.</p>
<p>Kwtortoise, I'm generally straightforward yet tactful in my conversations. Given this qualit, I agree that it's best to avoid this topic, unless he brings it up first.</p>
<p>I'm not going to read all this bull all I would like to say is why do you care who your uncle is having sex with? That his personal business not yours. If you don't shout out to the world whom you are attracted to and are sleeping with then why should he? Leave him alone.</p>
<p>"Fides, I just have a hard time believing that some people are genuinely happy being single all their lives. Maybe he thinks he's married to God or something... sacrificing his happiness for him."</p>
<p>If he is called to the single life, he is not sacrificing his happiness. The single life IS where his happiness is. In other words, if he was not single, he wouldn't be happy. </p>
<p>Another's personal vocation is sometimes hard for us to understand. People who are called to the priesthood, religious life, or indeed the single life, often have a hard time understanding how anyone could be genuinely happy in a sexual relationship.</p>
<p>In a society where "Don't ask, Don't tell" is the governmental directive, it can be hard to know how to handle the sexual differences of friends and family. Our society in the USA is grappling with this question as it should. Other countries have come to terms with this by allowing and recognizing same sex marriages. For one to grow, one must step out of the box, and ask questions. You are asking a valid question-our experiences will shape our answers.</p>
<p>My experience-to be available to provide support should he bring it up. If you have personal friends who have come out, you can ask them their thoughts as to how to handle your rerlationship with your uncle. I have familly members who are involved with legalizing gay marriages in the State of California, working within the legal system. I personally am supportive of them, however we have family members who are not. Even so, we have all come to the same conclusion-we love each other-and that's the bottom line.</p>
<p>Just adding a note:
Homosexual orientation is not genetics, it is a choice. And most certainly it's not a disease as I have heard other people say.</p>
<p>Perhaps you could give him a CD with "Dear Mr president" in it!
The part about the gay daughter could be very helpful in what you want to do (namely show support)</p>
<p>Before I argue with you on homosexuality being a choice, I will let you cite your evidence first. Go ahead.</p>
<p>synesthesiac:</p>
<p>I would say that the homosexual inclination -- as opposed to homosexual behavior, which I suspect is what you are thinking of when you say that homosexuality is a choice -- is a psychosexual disorder. Homosexuals always have a choice regarding engaging in homosexual behavior, but it seems conclusive at this point that the homosexual inclination is not by choice. Whether people are born with it (nature), or whether they develop it while growing up (nurture), is the real question.</p>
<p>I take it that I won the argument before even presenting my side of the case.</p>