I have some real problems here and I need someone to hear me out

Parents Forum
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<p>Legend wrote:
[quote]
A friend of mine once told me that you cannot be independent legally until you are 24 or something?

[/quote]
The FAFSA rules are set out in my post #32 above, under the words "Federal Policy". You have to be 24, married, have your own dependent to support, or be coming out of the military. I have a son who has supported himself and lived on his own for 2 years who is age 22 -- I barely ever see him, much less support him --not good enough, my income will be considered if he goes back to school.</p>

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<p>MCDeb -- clear out your private messages when you get a chance!</p>

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<p><<MCDeb -- clear out your private messages when you get a chance!<<</p>

<p>Maybe tomorrow - I have one son graduating from college tomorrow and the other going to the senior prom. No more excitement needed. lol</p>

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<p>mcdeb, congrats!</p>

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<p>Calmom: Re: Your post #34. I think I'm the one that suggested Legend try to seek independence. While you may have felt that was "misleading" or "inaccurate" information, if you read my entire post, you will see that I said I was "clueless" as to how all of that worked, so he would need to determine how one does gain independence. Posts after my own did clarify how one does go about doing that. </p>

<p>Legend: It sounds like Penn is going to take pretty good care of you financially, and you have someone there you can talk to as well. Also, guidance counsellors may seem like all they know how to do is write recommendations, and they may indeed be consumed with a lot of end of the year stuff right now--but they are good people who care about their students. I believe they would be as supportive (perhaps moreso) than anonymous folks on a message board. If you are uncomfortable with a GC, try the teachers who wrote you recommendation letters to get into Penn. They, too, will be helpful and supportive.</p>

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<p>yes mcdeb, congrats -- I hope you didn't think I was planning to send some flaming pm your way! Not at all!</p>

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<p>Legend,</p>

<p>It could be helpful to know the circumstances (specifics aren't necessary) of your father's death last November: i.e., was it due to illness? accident? If this seems too intrusive a question, obviously you should ignore or decline to answer, however, there IS a legal reason for asking. </p>

<p>How old were you on the date your father died?</p>

<p>Do you know whether or not your father left a Will? If not, it is NOT suggested that you ask your mother or even another family member directly -- based on what you have said. Consider instead getting a recommendation of a lawyer from your GC, a trusted teacher, a trusted friend who might have a parent who is a lawyer, or you can go on line to your State Bar Association via a Google search and do a search for a lawyer there.
You want to find a lawyer for a "consultation" at this time, and the type of lawyer you want to consult is one who specializes in the area of law known as "Trusts and Estates." Trust and Estate matters are most often heard in Surrogates Court (you might have heard of this branch of the court system).</p>

<p>You can certainly arrange a "consultation" without your mother's knowledge or approval (and you should seriously consider this). In addition, from what you've said about your brother, it might be best not to disclose this to him either -- even though it may turn out to be in his interest as well but this could be addressed at a later time. </p>

<p>The primary reason someone in your position might want to seek out a consultation with a Trust and Estate lawyer would be to guide you (or act on your behalf, depending upon whether or not you hire the lawyer) to ascertain whether your father left a Will that you could be a beneficiary of; and/or if perhaps there are any life insurance policies, annuities, pension plans from his latest or earlier employers, IRA or Keogh or other kinds of tax-deferred plans, real estate or other property, and/or other assets or investments you might not be aware of - which you may, (or may not) be the beneficiary of.</p>

<p>Please think about taking this step before long, there are possible time factors involved in estates. Additionally, based upon your messages, it sounds as if -- if you don't take steps to look out for your own best interests, no one is going to do it for you. Be pro-active and look into all the possibilities that may or may not exist out there. What is there to lose? You need to survive and make plans for your future. </p>

<p>One further suggestion: be sure to find an independent lawyer -- that is, someone who is not a lawyer whom your mom and/or other non-supportive family members may have consulted recently or in the past. You need an independent advocate.</p>

<p>You can call your State Bar Association to get advice about what to expect concerning appropriate fees and expenses, as well as to learn about how to select an appropriate attorney. There there should be on-line guidance toward this end -- just make sure you use a critical eye viz sources of information, which is why it is suggested you start directly with the State Bar Association.</p>

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<p>Legend, I am assuming that your gf is in NY and that is why you are thinking of a summer job there. I would suggest having her do some pre-arrival job screahing for you since it would be much better to have something lined up. Are there adults in her family who are supportive of you and can give you advice? You might also check to see if there is some kind of community legal services where you are now.
Another thought is to go to Philly over the summer and get a job there. There might even be jobs at Penn you could get. Financial Aid might be able to connect you to the right place.
Good luck and enjoy west Philly, David and I lived west of Penn for 10 years (18 years ago).
Ellen</p>

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<p>Legend, you know, when I saw you had posted again it went through my mind that perhaps this whole thing was a pretend story. But then I saw that zante is the girlfriend you talk about. I don't think anyone could sustain an illusion as large and compelling as the posts of both you and zante over these last 6 months. So you must be real.</p>

<p>Since you are real, I think the only thing I can say to you is that I am sorry this is your situation. While you will need to somehow get past this as you grow up, you will just need to survive it for now. You are not getting what I think kids ought to get from their parents. You aren't the only one in the world, and you are fortunate and able enough to go to Penn, but that doesn't probably make you feel any better when things are really bad.</p>

<p>So focus on getting through it right now. Humans are social animals. You need friends and support. Penn should be able to give it to you, but September is a ways off. Find any friends and support you can. If you are going to New York, good. Again, the one thiing everyone agrees on because it is so universal is this: Get friends, get support, get through this. Get enough to eat. Get some sleep. Earn some money. Hang out with your girlfriend. Just get through it.</p>

<p>Then get to college. Make sure you don't bury yourself. Make sure you connect with some professors and counselors. Enjoy yourself and make the most of your time and find your independence.</p>

<p>Then graduate from college. Now, eventually, somehow you are going to have to come to terms with your parenting. A lot of us have had to do that. There isn't an easy answer. Maybe you will have to cut ties. Maybe you can find a way to carry on tolerating her. Maybe she will respond and your relationship will get better. You can't know, and we, here in cyberland, certainly can't know. </p>

<p>All we can know is that someone upon whom you depend for physical and emotional support is not there when you need them. Anyone in that situation, adult or child, will suffer. So please get any help you need to provide for your physical and emotional support.</p>

<p>I wish you well.</p>

<p>Alu</p>

50

<p>Max --
You will need several varieties of help</p>

<ol>
<li>You needs some adult backup now -- GC or DCFS -- if your mother is not keeping food in the house, that is abuse/neglect.<br></li>
<li>You need a lawyer who will work pro bono to assist you with FAFSA/estate type matters.</li>
<li>You need an advocate at Penn -- or maybe two. You will need some emotional backup (counselor) and someone there who will speak on your behalf on financial aid issues. Don't wait until the fall semester to do this; try to set this in motion now.</li>
</ol>

<p>Do not try to deal with everything on your own.</p>

<p>Your family is not functioning as a family now. Perhaps you can at some point in the future. You are three people in states of grief/shock over the death of your father, and you appear to not be connecting to each other to deal with this trauma.</p>

<p>Your mother may be uncomfortable around you because you remind her -- just by being aware of your parents relationship -- that she has some reason to feel guilty. She may also be pushing you away because you are going to go anyway. I think that your brother is as alost as you are and will do anything to get your attention. He, too, subconsciously is probably very apprehensive about his future after you leave home.</p>

<p>You are a very remarkable young man. For your sake -- and your brother's -- get some adult help.</p>

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<p>Legend - </p>

<p>Some good advice for you here. (I'd advise you to print out Blossom's post and keep it close.) Put a full-court press on whatever family, school and community resources you can recruit to help you in your situation.</p>

<p>It's clear that you are a smart, level-headed kid. That tells me that you will manage to succeed despite your current difficulties. I'd definitely head to Penn this fall and work with your financial aid office to develop a manageable four-year plan. Unless I'm mistaken, it does appear that the Penn financial package, plus the $4500 plus whatever you make this summer plus the Stafford etc will allow you to piece together Year 1. So focus on school and enjoy it! </p>

<p>But if it turns out that your financial situation begins to overwhelm your Penn experience, I'd spend some school break time to investigate some less selective schools where your need and academic achievement would result in a better financial deal. With your intelligence and drive you will do just fine if your undergrad degree ends up coming from a school less prestigious than Penn. </p>

<p>As for your family situation it looks like you are doing the best you can there. You should treat other family members with as much compassion as you can, but it appears that there isn't much you can do to change things right now. Sometimes these situations change for the better over time. Don't count on it, but don't slam the door on the possibility. And FWIW. . your CC family is with you all the way.</p>

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<p>I would suggest removing yourself from the family situation immediately.
Try to find a supportive adult that will take you in uncles, aunts, etc etc.</p>

<p>My heart goes out to you.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Also, guidance counsellors may seem like all they know how to do is write recommendations, and they may indeed be consumed with a lot of end of the year stuff right now--but they are good people who care about their students. I believe they would be as supportive (perhaps moreso) than anonymous folks on a message board.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Yes, I was going to say that even if your GCs at your school aren't able to offer you the advice you need, I'm sure they would be able to put you in contact with someone who could. </p>

<p>Like Alumother, I at first thought this might all be a made-up story (not based on you, legend, jut that it's an internet forum and people can say whatever they want, you know?). In fact, I almost wished it was a made up story.
As another poster mentioned, I also had a feeling your mom might see your dad in you, and she doesn't know how to deal with those feelings (guilt? anger? sorrow?) other than to lash out at you, even though you maybe haven't done anything to deserve it. Almost every parent on this board would probably admit to saying things to their kids at one point that they wish they had never said and were wrong. We are just people and make mistakes all the time....just like kids! Not to say that excuses the no-food issues and all, as that is a different matter.</p>

<p>I really hope all goes well and you get the help you need and deserve! Check back in to give us updates, please :)</p>

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<p>Penn has excellent student counseling services so be sure to connect with someone when you get there too.</p>

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<p>I looked up some information on-line. It's hard these days to get independent status. In the past, it was easier. Sounds as if you would have to be declared abandoned by a court, or get married. If you are 24 years old, you can have it automatically. In your case, you might have a good chance of being declared abandoned, but that would involve a court procedure. Maybe you could get a lawyer to take your case on a volunteer basis.</p>

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<p>Check to see if there is a child advocacy group in your area....they have good contacts, know the law and are usually very qualified volunteers who know the system- Social Security, etc.</p>

<p>They can probably put in in touch with a lawyer who specializes in work with children whose parents aren't doing usch a great job.</p>

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<p>legend, as a receiver of soc sec benefits for my children, I received a book from them initially outlining what I could use the money for. yes, it is broad, and I'm sure your mom could justify everything she has done. But you have said there is no food in the house and you have to spend your own money on that. so......one of the things she has to provide IS food. I would call social security and get a case worker there, number one. second, I would call children and youth as I advised previously, and get a case worker there. they can certainly tell you what can be done and what should have been done, and help you with any social services you may be entitled to. these are 2 official agencies that can certainly help you sort this out, and get you what you need, as far as survival is concerned. as far as college, all schools are not the same. my son's school offers no help as far as financial aid when you don't have the EFC money, no help. university of the sciences in philadelphia is much more helpful. you may want to consider another school if penn isn't willing to help you, but 33,000 sounds pretty good. also beware, that $3000 in work study will be taken out of your loan money, and they give you the checks directly from your work as "spending money", because realistically you will not be able to work enough time to make $3000 and they know that. It is a pitfall I didn't realize when I borrowed money for my son's education, and we ended up being short by several thousand. the bottom line is, do what you have to do to get to school. bug the heck out of financial aid people, apply for all the scholarships you can online, just get there. and please contact the above people. there is a book social security can send you to help you understand what the benefit payee, (your mother), is supposed to do with the money, and she can be required to fill out forms yearly to explain exactly what she did with it, and it can't be a trip to florida for her, or a night out on the town with her boyfriend. (as a case manager, I tend to be a bit jaded, sorry).</p>

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<p>This is so sad. :( Do you have another adult family member who can help you out a bit?</p>

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<p>Max,</p>

<p>I just feel horrible for you. My husband grew up with a non supportive dad after a divorce at 4 years old and while it did make him stronger, more independent, it also lead to some serious problems for him after he finished at a top school in the east. He didn't get any counseling and even though he had supportive adults who took him under their protective wings, he still had personal isssues that plagued him into his 40's. So I really do hope you will find a counselor that can explain whats happening to you and help you process this into a perspective that allows you to have good emotional and mental health in your adult life. Getting out of the house would give you the emotional breather you no doubt want now. Being at Penn you will have access to free counseling, probably some great people there, so you could have a some good help over a longer period of time. That would help you to move into your 20's and so on with fewer problems. A book called Emotional Common Sense helped. After my sister died while i was a senior in college, my family grieved in a dysfunctional way and made decisions that favored one child over the other. You couldn't tell them that though. My school teachers and friends helped to take up that void. I read a greif book by Elizabeth Kublar -Ross which I had studied in nursing school as part of our school work. It helped so I put a link to some info to help you. If you scroll through there is a link for teens dealing with grief. Here is one book that might help Healing Your Grieving Heart for Teens: 100 Practical Ideas - by Alan D. Wolfelt.
and this link has some information and talks about Kubler Ross.</p>

<p><a href="http://dying.about.com/cs/glossary/g/g_5Stages.htm%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://dying.about.com/cs/glossary/g/g_5Stages.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p><a href="http://dying.about.com/od/griefloss/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://dying.about.com/od/griefloss/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>I am going to be thinking of you now for sometime hoping you get to Penn and hoping you have a less painful life. You get to choose the direction you will go in, your happiness is not dependent on unsupportive family.</p>

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<p>It sounds like you have a good plan and a place to live this summer with your girlfriend. Penn should work out fine for Sept. Don't let this temporarily horrific situation take you off track. You are exactly the kind of student Penn needs and the counseling services there are free and of high quality. We are all routing for you. </p>

<p>I have no idea what is going on in your household but grief can really take its toll. Your brother may get more attention because he doesn't alter the status quo or because deep down your relatives believe you will be successful no matter what whereas your brother's situation is iffy.</p>

<p>Please hang in there. Life can be very hard at times but you have been accepted into an extraordinary school so keep your focus on what is going well and on a future that is promising. I understand about the GCs at your school but just because it seems they only deal with college applications on the surface, I assure you most GCs are trained to deal with personal issues and do so, you just may not be aware of that aspect of their role because you have not sought out that type of assistance. It can't hurt to set up a time to talk to one of them.</p>

<p>Do not worry about Penn. I think it will all work out. Your situation will be one where they should be willing to show flexibility with finances. What these schools don't like is wealthy parents avoiding their parental obligations and claiming poverty...your situation is completely different. There is a Quaker philosophy there and I think you may find more empathy at Penn than you would at some schools so it is serendipitous that you should get accepted there. Please keep us posted as you transition into a better period in your life.</p>