Parents, I need your help. Please read.

Parents Forum
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<p>Hey everyone, I know as parents you would probably be my best help. I just want to rebuild my relationship with my mom before I graduate. I love her more than she could ever know but she thinks I'm ungrateful and narcissistic. </p>

<p>My mom is a single mom raising 4 teenage boys. She works extremely hard to send us all to private high school, takes and picks us up from school/football practice/guitar lessons/etc every day, while maintaining a spotless house. I think the world of her. </p>

<p>Last year I got into some trouble and it really damaged our relationship. All of high school I had slacked off and did just the amount of work it took to get A's and B's with some scattered C's when I couldve been a straight A student. I only see my dad once or twice a month, my mom is always busy, and my grandparents (mom's parents who were her support system, helped raise my brothers and i) passed away a couple years ago. She only has a few friends, her brothers, and her cousin to talk to so she's pretty much on her own. She sacrifices her life for us and I owe everything to her.</p>

<p>Anyways.. my mom just doesn't understand me. My personality comes off as disrespectful to her. I avoid arguments at all costs because it truly hurts me to hear her yell at me. When I tell her to just have a conversation when we disagree, she views it that I'm undermining her authority. I try extremely hard to get along with her but she doesn't. She loves me with all of her heart but she says things that truly offend me such as "God help me make it through this next year" and when i go see my dad "I really wish you'd just stay there longer or move in with him". I always try to start conversations with her about school, colleges, what I want to major in, what my interests are, but she completely ignores me. All of this really hurts my feelings and when I tell her how I feel about it she views it as an "attack" on her and goes on a rant about how disrespectful and ungrateful I am.</p>

<p>Its a matter of months before I won't live with her anymore so I NEED to get things right. I really messed up in high school, but I changed this past summer. Currently I'm doing better than ever in school, head of the service club, reading daily, avoiding trouble, and doing everything I should have been doing the last 4 years. I have a new focus and a chip on my shoulder. I've discovered my love for learning and can't wait for college. I feel that it is my chance to make the most out of my life. I feel the only way I could ever repay my mom is reaching my full potential as a human and I will stop at nothing to reach my goals. Its for her. She is my inspiration. I even wrote a song/poem telling her how much she meant to me but I burned it a while back because I have trouble letting people see my true self, even my mom. I just want to hear the words "I'm proud of you" or maybe even an "I Love You". I'd cry tears of joy to hear that from my parents. </p>

<p>Everything is on track in my life right now except for this. It's a demon in my otherwise beautiful life. I just really need help and this was the only place I could think of asking. Thanks for the help in advance. Oh, and parents, please don't forget to remind your kids you love them and how much they mean to you. We may know you do, but its nice to hear it too.</p>

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<p>James, your letter is very eloquent. Why don’t you just give it to your mom? Add some chocolates or a bouquet from the grocery store if you have a little money.</p>

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<p>Agree… give this to your mom. No need for flowers or chocolates. Sometimes it’s hard to say what we want to say without getting bogged down in the conversation of it. </p>

<p>I will say that I’ve written my kids letters when their rooms were right next door. My d (now 26) saved them all. She may not have heard my intention back when she was in HS, but a few years ago she told me she had just re read them and wanted to say thank you. She wished she knew then what she knows now and took it all in better. This is to say… your mom SHOULD hear you… and if nothing else, maybe this will begin the road back.</p>

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<p>Thanks. I really hadn’t thought much about that but it probably is my best move. I just can’t seem to convey my true feelings to her through conversation. Her birthday is Oct 27 so I’m thinking of writing something for her and giving it to her then.</p>

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<p>A letter is an excellent idea.</p>

<p>My daughter sent us a letter last year that she wrote while on a religious retreat. She also wrote one for her brother. In it she told us how much she loved and appreciated us. I will treasure that letter forever. Her brother received it when he was feeling really down in the dumps after a bad break up. It truly turned his week around.</p>

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<p>James,
I think your letter would be the birthday present of a lifetime!</p>

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<p>I agree with the other posters. Sometimes, though, it just takes time. You’ll find plenty of folks here who went through rough times with their parents (myself included), somehow, it generally all works out even if it takes a few years. Letting her know you still need her would probably mean the world to her.</p>

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<p>i agree!! give her this letter!</p>

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<p>Your post touched me. My S and I had a rocky jr year, very similar to your story. Although he didn’t want to talk about college at all. Not really his fault, too much going on at home. I wrote him a few notes, that seemed a less confrontational way to communicate. Our relationship seems to be back on track, but like your mom, I find myself saying to myself, “Please help me get through this day, I know tomorrow will be better.” When I was in college (eaons ago) I wrote a note to my grandmother and apoligized for all the stress and strife between us. She replied in the most loving and understanding way. So look forward to that day and good luck to you!</p>

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<p>James - there is no time like the present. Seize the day and all that. </p>

<p>Plus… birthdays can be emotional for people. This should be something quiet shared between the two of you, without distraction of life events - ESPECIALLY if the relationship is currently strained and you aren’t speaking to her directly Give it to her sooner than later and by the end of the October, there will be cause for real celebration. You know?</p>

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<p>James
I just deleted a 3 paragraph comment on your post here because it was a very personal story that was relevant but decided that what you need to hear is that obviously you have turned out very well, cleaned up your act and realize where your priorities are.</p>

<p>GIVE this too your mom RIGHT NOW. Even if she doesn’t react the way you hope, what you have written will be in her head and heart always. </p>

<p>What I ended my first post with was the only time to let someone know what you are feeling is right now because tomorrow may be too late.</p>

<p>Bless you, take care of yourself and know that right now your heart is in the right place.</p>

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<p>Another vote for showing your mom your post in the form of a letter. </p>

<p>I understand how hurtful some of the things your mom has said can be. It sounds as if she is overwhelmed by the demands of her life (which are not your fault), and sometimes people say things out of worry and exhaustion that don’t reflect the complete picture of their feelings.</p>

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<p>But please PLEASE don’t let her know that you asked for help with this on CC. Most likely she just flat out won’t understand and will be concerned that you’ve discussed your personal relationship with “strangers.” We’re Moms, that’s how we think! :slight_smile:
Let us know how things work out.</p>

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<p>Good point AL34!</p>

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<p>James-- I wish you all the best. Your mom is obviously under stress (as you are). Sometimes people aren’t in a receptive mood when stressed.
If you don’t happen to have that epiphany-type moment with mom before you graduate do not think for an instant that it won’t happen later. Time is a great healer. It’s important to keep an open mind and an open heart. The phrase “time heals all wounds” wasn’t coined for nothing. Some things need to be waited out.</p>

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<p>James,
Your leter is wonderful, and I think it is a good thing to give to your mom too. But I would also like to recommend that you try to find times to spend with your mom on a regular basis. Tell her you want to have movie night at least once a week (in the home, rent a 1.00 movie from redbox and make popcorn). Or tell her you want to learn to cook, and see if she will teach you how to make some of your favorite meals.
The more time you can spend with her that is not confrontational, the less confrontation you will have. She will understand how you think, and what you are thinking. And you both will feel more comfortable talking to each other. Enjoy the time you have living at home with your mom now, you really don’t get this time back!</p>

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<p>Your letter is wonderful and it’s a great idea to give it to your mother.</p>

<p>But I have one more bit of advice: If you truly want you and your mother to enjoy these last few months together, how about making yourself more reliable, somebody she can count on for a few things in her life? Can you tell her that you will clean up the kitchen for her every night? Or make sure your smaller brothers get to practice on time? Or that you will tutor one of them in math? Or take over the laundry/mow the lawn-rake the leaves every week? And then, stick to it:-)</p>

<p>It could even be something that you already do whenever she asks you (repeatedly?) to do it. The point is to relieve her of even having to think about one of all the things she has to remember and organize in your family.
Become the reliable son, the one she can lean on for that. </p>

<p>And every now and then, surprise her: vacuum her car, help your smaller brothers pick up their room, bake desert, give her a chance to sleep in on the week-end. And forget about flowers and chocolate: they are sometimes way down the wish list for a busy mother ;-)).</p>

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<p>I saved all the notes of this sort that my kids sent me. I hope you know that what you’re going through with Mom is very typical for moms and teen sons- and more so, when she’s under pressure. Handle things right from now on and it will pass.</p>

<p>I’d give her the letter now. Not wait for the “occasion” of her birthday. That way, she’ll see it’s on your mind, not just a “nice” idea for her bday. I don’t know how I’d react if my kid asked this on a forum. You could always say that you were getting college advice and realized adults and kids sometimes asked for personal advice. Good luck.</p>

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<p>make a pact with your mom that you won’t let a day go by without giving each other a big hug. then follow through. each day (at some point before you go to sleep), a big hug (and maybe a kiss on the cheek). hugs help stressed moms (and their kids) so much! </p>

<p>all the best to you!</p>