I just don't know if I can do it anymore - farming and schooling

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello everyone. </p>

<p>I've posted on here before about balancing my family's farm and my schooling, but I just don't know if I can do it anymore. It's finally starting to hit me. </p>

<p>This past month has been a busy one in regards to preparation for flower sales and field cultivating, and I've been putting in many hours on the farm. I've been doing all my farm work on the weekends to pitch in and do my share, and as a result, I haven't been able to keep up with all my school work. </p>

<p>I'm so behind with my readings for 3 of my classes, and my first exam is a week from tomorrow. I have a paper due on Thursday, reading assignments due, and just a lot of exam prep to do since I've fallen behind. I understand the material well enough, but I'm just paranoid that I'll need to have carefully read all my philosophy passages to truly understand the concepts. I've worked very hard to get to my university, and I've been through a lot by choosing to take the college path, so I don't want to screw up now. </p>

<p>I've basically been cramming all of my school work in on Monday-Thursday and have been working the farm and too exhausted to do anything else on the weekends. I really regret this, but now I just need to fix it. </p>

<p>I stayed home today because I'm starting to get sick, and even though I tried to catch up, I just don't feel like I'm going anywhere. I feel this overwhelming pressure of getting my readings done, but when I look outside, it's a rare sunny day and the field needs to get plowed, so I find that I just keep reading the same page with the same guilt. I just feel so stuck, and I know it's not going to get better. After finals I go to the farm full-time until my summer class starts, and then I need to balance a reading intensive lit class with 50 hours of work every week. </p>

<p>I don't think I'll ever be able to have a day off anytime soon. Maybe sometime in July when it gets slow between seasons. I wanted to go on vacation with some friends after classes ended, but I now realize that I have too many responsibilities. One of our family's dear friends passed away last month, and he had helped my uncle out on his land. He was a good friend and a good worker, and in addition to missing him, we're going to need to step it up and make sure my uncle's fields get plowed and that the veggies there get picked. </p>

<p>This feels like a soap opera, and it's just ridiculous. Right now, I need to spend this final Monday-Thursday doing as much as I possibly can for school. Does anyone have some useful tips or encouragement? I don't even talk to my family about it anymore because they just don't understand. </p>

<p>Thank you so much, and sorry for the novel. </p>

<p>~persona</p>

2

<p>I understand you feel very torn. I’m sorry.</p>

<p>I can say, in all honesty, that my family leaned on me way too hard when I was college aged, and I did way more for them than I “ought to” have, that my only regret is giving up so much of my freedom for them. The problem with a situation like this is that if you “give up” your own dreams for them, they are never going to thank you, not really, and you are never going to forgive them for it, either.</p>

<p>You may think you will, but you won’t.</p>

<p>You are stuck because you feel responsible for somebody else’s dreams. </p>

<p>But what about your dreams?</p>

<p>I’m not saying that what you want is more important than other people, but what you want is AS important as what anybody else wants. And, quite honestly, your biggest responsibility, at your age, is to yourself.</p>

<p>What do your parents say in all of this? What I recall is that the pressure comes from Aunts and Uncles and Cousins. Or do I have this wrong?</p>

3

<p>Do not give up on your studies.
You want options in life so you need to dig deep and get it done.
It is a shame no one in the family sees the bigger picture, stop listening to their mutterings and do what you know is the right thing for you.
Prove them wrong.</p>

<p>Focus on:
Study, eat, sleep, farm duties.
Rinse, lather, repeat.
Keep us posted.
Am rooting for your success.</p>

4

<p>Thanks for the replies. </p>

<p>Poetgirl-- Yes, you’re right: a lot of the pressure is from my extended family. They delegate duties and create expectations like it’s nobody’s business. My parents are more understanding, though. My mother thinks that I should only worry about school since I need to maintain good grades for scholarships and the like (I think she just hates seeing me tired all the time), and while my father wants for me to do well too, he’s not as sympathetic. (From what I can infer. He’s a very quiet man) </p>

<p>He too juggles two things at once, and this time of year is even busier for him than it is for me. He prepares taxes and helps other people in town with their business finances, so after he leaves the farm, he goes straight to work with crunching numbers and preparing people’s taxes. I haven’t seen much of him these past couple weeks because he’s honestly been working non-stop. I mentioned once last weekend that I was starting to get behind in school, and while he listened to my case and did the dad thing of telling me to keep plugging away, I could tell that he was a bit disappointed. He just seemed to frown a bit when he said “keep working hard. We all do.” </p>

<p>In a way, I feel that since my dad has other jobs and is always in over his head, I should be able to handle it too. My extended family has been working hard as always, and they’re always more relieved when I’m there to help on the weekends to help reduce the general workload. Or rather, they seem relieved that I showed up to do what they told me to do. </p>

<p>I feel good that I’m helping them out and all, but at the same time, I’m worried I’ll start to drown very soon. </p>

<p>But I’m NOT going to drop college. It’s my ticket out, and I just wish there was a nice way to tell them that.</p>

5

<p>Look, your dad is a grown man and he has made his choices.</p>

<p>Listen to your mother. Truly.</p>

<p>I’m not saying “be a big jerk.” But, prioritize yourself and your studies. Just do it. </p>

<p>Sometimes when you choose your own life, the people at home are not going to be thrilled, but you can live with that. And it won’t change, anyway. Eventually, you are going to have to choose your own life, and other people are going to feel about it what they feel.</p>

<p>So, just listen to your mom.</p>

6

<p>OP- hugs. I’ve read your posts and it sounds like you truly have a mammoth amount of stuff on your plate.</p>

<p>While I can’t even begin to give you advice about the farming piece, I can tell you some strategies that work for me when I am beyond overwhelmed.</p>

<p>1- focus on today, tomorrow, this week. Do not invest a single calorie in fretting about this summer, the long term, next semester, what is the meaning of your life. Just stop. All that energy that’s going to worrying about things that are not immediate are going to cloud your judgment. Get back to focusing on what you need to do this week- pass all your courses.</p>

<p>2-take all the guilt and feelings of inadequacy and the sense that you are letting people down and put them in a big trunk and then lock it (mentally.) You will unlock it when you have passed all your classes and have the time to go there. Right now you don’t. So lock them away for another time.</p>

<p>3-Do one thing every day that makes you feel like you- not like someone else, with their priorities and worries, but something for you. So read a poem, or listen to a piece of music you love, or stare at a forsythia bush that brings you joy. And while you’re doing that, don’t do anything else. don’t tally up all the things you should be doing and how you need to review page 262 and oh by the way, where are my notes. Nope, just focus on the one thing. And then when you are lying in bed and are too exhausted to sleep and your mind is going 300 miles per hour, relax and breathe deeply and focus on that one thing you did that day which is really and truly you.</p>

<p>4- Give yourself permission to set a realistic objective for yourself. Whatever grades you need to keep your scholarship- that’s what you’re going to get. No need to go above and beyond right now; no need to prove yourself. Right now you are in survival mode and so you are going to pass all your courses- which you know you can do- and you will have some other semester to really shine and knock the cover off the ball. But relax your expectations… and then meet your goals this semester. You are so young and have the rest of your life to be an over-achiever.</p>

<p>I think you will have more clarity after this semester to tackle the issue of your family and their expectations of you. So just ride this thing out for now- get past this week. I know it feels like you are at a major crossroads of some kind and have to decide “education or farm” but you don’t. You only have to pass this semester, keep your scholarship. The crossroads conversation can wait.</p>

<p>And condolences on the loss of your family friend. That is a very tough thing to deal with- especially since it means more work for you- but that’s also something down the road. His family will still be grieving in a week; you can still find time and emotional bandwidth to help next week, but the only time you have to finish this semester is right now. You can do this! We are all rooting for you.</p>

7

<p>I think the rational way to approach this dilemma is to make a daily schedule for yourself for the remainder of the school year. Fill in your class time first, of course, then schedule study time, whatever amount of time you reasonably need to prepare properly for exams and get papers written. Make sure study time is scheduled to take place at school, in the library, not at home where you can be guilted away to other duties. Next fill in time for meals–at least a half hour for each, 8 hours of sleep a night (decent meals and decent sleep to avoid getting sick), and at least an hour of relaxation or “mental health” time, whether it’s watching TV or playing video games or just daydreaming. Now take the remaining hours in each day and call them “farm time”. Bring this schedule to your dad or whichever other relative has overall responsibility for managing the farm–one person only. Tell that person that this is your schedule, it is non-negotiable, and you would like their input about exactly what work you should be doing during your “farm time” each day. Don’t argue, don’t discuss, don’t accept input from any other buttinsky relatives. And smile, smile, smile. If you don’t get any answers, figure out your “farm time” yourself. Then stick the schedule on the refrigerator door and carry on. Don’t deviate from it or you’ll undrecut your credibility. This approach will demonstrate that you are serious about your schooling and must be treated like an adult, not a doormat. Good luck.</p>

8

<p>I wish that I could take a red pen and draw circles around Poetgrl’s post (#5) and draw arrows pointing to it, with lots of exclamation points. Blossom’s post is spot on, too.</p>

<p>I come from a farming family and have an enormous amount of respect for the work. But it really is okay for you to choose a different path.</p>

<p>P.S. Just saw MommaJ’s great post and want to thumbs up that one, too.</p>

9

<p>I really like MommaJ’s practical suggestions.</p>

10

<p>Great post, MommaJ. Solid ideas for time management, farming or not.</p>

11

<p>Your challenge is really about setting boundaries. Your parents understand. It also seems that there is some inevitable hard work, as part of the process. I’m not entirely sure from your post, but it seems that you live in a traditional American-style nuclear family, where you and your parents are the ones responsible for your education and paying for it. You seem to have close relationships with extended family nearby, and a history of helping them on their farm, and they have come to expect it. They may be paying you, and you may need that income to finance your education. I’m not sure.</p>

<p>If my guesses are correct, you have an essential part-time job, where the busy season falls at spring finals. That’s not the best kind of part-time job for a college student to have. You may have to change jobs, and get something where you’re not having both work crunch-time and academic crunch-time at the same time. Get through this finals period, and find a different part-time job.</p>

<p>If there is no financial pressure related to your relatives’ farm, and you’re just allowing yourself to feel pressured because they are your relatives and you care about them and they seem to need you, take a step back and think about that again. When you finish your degree, you will probably have a full-time job in another area of endeavor, maybe in another geographic area, and they will have to manage without you. So they can start managing without you now. Nobody is indispensable. Don’t let the myth of indispensability suck you in, and ruin your chance at an education, and a different career of your own choosing.</p>

12

<p>Since you are feeling overwhelmed, on Monday make a quick pass by your advisor’s office, and let that person know that you are feeling overwhelmed by the combination of academic work and farmwork. Find out what you need to do to get an Incomplete in one of your classes if it would come to that. Knowing whether or not an I would be possible in one of your classes will help you sort out which schoolwork is most necessary, and help you organize your time.</p>

<p>And I do know you love your family, but if you aren’t living at home, then just let them know on Monday that you won’t be home next weekend because of the demands of your coursework. If they call, let their messages go to voicemail. Period. If you are living at home, pack yourself off to the college library all day on the weekends so that you can get your study time in. Think of it this way: If you were sick or injured they’d sort it out without you. My farmer brother-in-law is dealing with calving season single-handed right now because his brother and son are both out with physical injuries and can’t handle animals or machinery just yet. One guy handling three jobs for at least two more weeks. You have a great big family. Between the lot of them, they surely can cover for one missing person for one or two weekends.</p>

13

<p>I’d like to thank everyone for the wonderful advice. As always, I feel a lot better and a lot more organized and rational. </p>

<p>I’m going to try and blend all of the excellent tips for this upcoming week. Also, I’m going to hopefully say goodbye to the farm until finals are over. I’ve made my detailed schedule like MommaJ suggested, and starting at 5am tomorrow, I’m going to take things one step at a time like blossom noted. I can figure out the rest later, but for now, finishing the year strong comes first. </p>

<p>Thanks again. Your support is truly a very valuable and appreciated asset. :)</p>

14

<p>I won’t add to the good advice here, but just wanted to say I admire your work-ethic, maturity and determination. Don’t give up!</p>