So my roommate, is depressed. I try to be supportive but I seem to mess everything up. I feel like I walk on tip toes around her so that I don’t say anything even remotely negative so I don’t upset her. Yet I just learned that my attempts to make her happy (which come in the form of sarcastic jokes which unfortunately are difficult to stop because my family and I live and breathe sarcasm) hurt her. I consider her a close friend but she only wants to keep me at arm’s length- she doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday with me (although she has no other friend group to do it with) because she doesn’t want to even be friends because I’m apparently messing everything up. I’ve tried to let her know that I’m there for her and supportive, but now lately she doesn’t even want to be around me. She’ll be gone all weekend with her boyfriend just to get away from me (and my mere presence because normally I’m doing hw or watching tv, not even talking to her) and has expressed frustration with me for not letting her have the bedroom to herself. Which I think is unfair, because where am I supposed to go? and this is my room too.
Basically, it just came as a big (hurtful) shock to know she doesn’t want to even be my friend despite us living together for a year and a half. I can’t just stop being me, but I don’t know what else to do!
A huge part of this problem (and mostly why I’m on here seeking advice) is that my best friend, who is gone and graduated expressed to me that she doesn’t feel comfortable with me confiding in her about my problems with other people. So I literally have no one to go to with my troubles. And besides passing acquaintances, these are my only two friends. I don’t want to lose one :,(
If she doesn’t want to be your friend, you can’t make her. People can live together and still have clashing personalities. Hopefully this will pass when she feels better. In the meantime, try to make other friends. And eventually you’ll have to learn not to make sarcastic jokes except with people who you are sure will appreciate them. You might as well start now. This may just a big part of why she doesn’t want to be around you.
Great advice from @yucca10 ! And I can add that one of my kids had a very introverted roommate, which sometimes frustrated him. My advice was for my son to continue to invite his roommate to things, but not to push it. Be polite, keep your sarcastic remarks to yourself and continue to offer to do things together (but don’t act upset if she refuses). Things will likely calm down with her, and in the meantime, try to broaden your friend group. Good luck!!!
Well, in terms of practical choices, you really only have two choices: tough it out and get a new roommate next year, or ask for a transfer to another room now. You can’t make her be your friend, as other posters have said.
With depression, what you DON’T do is often the most helpful. The best thing to do is just give her space. Invite her to do things, but don’t push it. If she becomes defensive, just apologize and back off. Be sensitive. Some people don’t take sarcasm as well as other people, especially people who suffer from depression. If she says something cold to you over something you may have said, don’t take it personal. It’s the depression talking, not her. If she opens up to you, listen, but never put yourself in the position of being a counselor. That requires skilled professionals. If she insists, gently suggest that she go to the health center. If she ever becomes suicidal, call 911.
OP - it is not your job to make your roommate feel better or get her out of her depression. It is something she needs to deal with. It is not reasonable for her to expect to have the room to herself. If it is what she needs then she should go get a single room. I would continue to be the way you are. I am sure there are people who appreciate your sense humor. Those are the people you want to be friends with.
It is a shame she is making you feel like you are messing things up when you are just trying to be a friend. She is blaming you for her unhappiness, which is unfair. Don’t let her take away your self confidence. Go out and make new friends. Meet people who will appreciate you for who you are.
^^^^^i agree with @oldfort. Life is too short. Your life will be miserable as well. Live in your room, do your studies.
If she tries to guilt you into getting out of the room say “My parents pay for it too. It’s not just your room, it’s mine too”
You are not her counselor; don’t try to mend fences because, according to her, you can’t. Sleep there, study there. I would basically ignore her because she’s playing you. Don’t let her try to drag you into her mental health issues. If she doesn’t like you, tough toenails! She can move out; nobody’s forcing her to be there and you don’t need this kind of guilt trip.
As stated above, you aren’t equipped to counsel someone through depression. If she is depressed, as opposed to bored or unhappy, she needs professional help. I would politely suggest that you ask for a transfer to another room if possible as soon as possible. Your college years will fly by and you really want to enjoy them. It sounds more than a little toxic in your current quarters. Toughing it out may be the more principled choice but it really doesn’t sound as if there’s any likelihood of salvaging this friendship. You can’t force people to be your friend nor should you try.
I am going to contradict myself somewhat here but please take advice from someone who learned the hard way about sarcasm. I grew up in an environment in which sarcasm was the default setting for just about every occasion. Do yourself a favour and try tailor your humor to your audience. Some people respond well to sarcasm other are indifferent, others can be hurt or offended.