I want to go home.

Parents Forum
21

<p>Generic,</p>

<p>I am so sorry to hear that you are having a difficult adjustment. I want to assure you that what you are experiencing is not uncommon. I went through the same thing during my first semester at Duke University thirty years ago. I was a poor Pennsylvania farm boy from a single parent household who was lucky enough to get into Duke with merit aid. I had a miserable time my first year for all of the same reasons that you note in your post. But I am here to tell you that things will get better. Eventually, I made some great friends at Duke, found my niche, and I wouldn't trade my Duke degree for anything. It's perfectly ok to seek counseling. I did, and it was an enormous help. Just don't quit. Believe me, you will get through this. You were admitted to this school because the admissions committee has faith in your ability to do well and prosper both academically and socially. Never forget that. Feel free to email us at CC anytime you need a pep talk. Best of luck to you and hang in there.</p>

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<p>I, too, relate very well to your feelings of being lonely and out of place in a school that otherwise seems so "perfect". My solution many years ago was to graduate from college in 3 years, but in retrospect I see there were other steps that would likely have improved my quality of life had I taken them. </p>

<p>Most importantly, I think the sense of being "rooted" in the college community is one that can develop over time with deep involvement in an activity that is meaningful to you and can make all the difference in how you perceive your experience. For instance, I joined my newspaper towards the end of my education, but I can see how my experience might have been different had I been working there since my freshman year. Likewise, I participated in volunteer work in the community only in my third year which provided me with ties that I wish I had pursued more extensively. </p>

<p>There is no shame in transferring closer to home, but you may find that the original reasons that made your current school your first choice remain valid if you give yourself the opportunity to stay for an extended time. For many people, a few significant relationships are actually easier to pursue than many more superficial ones. However, the early part of college, by definition, allows for the planting of seeds but not for the tasting of the fruit of the kind of relationships that would facilitate your feeling more comfortable at school. The lighter types of relationships that would provide you with a lunch partner feel awkward to initiate for introverted types, but your courage will be rewarded if you can put aside your anxiety and straightforwardly approach people who look vaguely interesting to invite them to join you. </p>

<p>In my experience, the advice you have received to pursue a part-time job is mixed in terms of what it is likely to yield. I agree that it might afford the opportunity to become part of a "work family", but my personal experience was that it resulted in increasing my sense of isolation. At my affluent school at the time, most of my peers either didn't work at all or worked for many fewer hours than my finances required of me. While I was out at my job(s), they were doing their studying and/or participating in various extracurricular activities. By the time I returned to my dorm, everyone else was ready to socialize at the point when I was just beginning to settle down to start my work.</p>

<p>I know many others have said this, but I don't think it can be reiterated often enough: You are not alone! Others' appearance of happiness and immediate adjustment to their new surroundings can be deceiving. I have often prefaced my approaches to other people by starting off with phrases like "I hope I don't seem too strange coming up to you like this..." or "I feel kind of awkward asking you this..." While I have gotten the dreaded response indicating the other person thinks I'm a weirdo on occasion, by and large others have responded very positively. Everyone thinks everyone else is very confident and happy, but very few people really are.</p>

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<p>I'll third the suggestion of joining a religious organization--just beware of cults. Talk to the minister, priest, rabbi, or other leader about how you feel. It's good to have an adult to listen to you in such circumstances. (I'm not saying "no" to counseling. This is just another approach.) </p>

<p>Volunteer to do scut work. The person who is in charge or collecting recyclables for the hall, or setting up the chairs before a student concert, or who stays to help clean up often meets people. </p>

<p>Be an audience. There are all kinds of performing groups and teams on campus. Many are hard up for audience/spectators. Go and join in--if you know nothing about modern dance or field hockey, ask questions. Say you came because you were curious. Most people enjoy explaining their interests to others. </p>

<p>When you eat alone, do not read or put headphones into your ears. It's like putting a LEAVE ME ALONE sign on. </p>

<p>Put a smile on your face. When someone looks like they are unhappy, people tend to avoid them. </p>

<p>Go to classes and other events a bit early. Make an effort to make small talk about class or the event with other early arrivals. Follow the same rule for parties. If you go to a party when it's already going strong, you may not meet a soul. When you arrive early, the other early comers almost always introduce themselves. </p>

<p>Don't assume the existing social groups are already set in stone. They aren't.
I suspect part of what brings this on is seeing all the other parents there and missing your mom.</p>

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<p>You have friends here. Hang in there.</p>

<p>Yes, there are many parents who see some of themselves or their kids in you. I was the first in my family to attend college (altho eventually my folks went back and acquired their degrees after many years of "night school.") I went to a small and expensive LAC on scholarships and loans. I felt poor and out of place. I arrived with a wardrobe entirely hand sewn (nope--did not own a single pair of jeans.) While I don't recall hearing the name used back then, I was also a bit "nerdy." I arrived on campus as a freshman, having left my high school after junior year as an "early acceptance" student. And I was painfully shy. </p>

<p>I somehow stuck out the first year, and then never looked back. I did become involved in a local church and youth group, and assisted in several science labs.
[quote]
Often times, the people (post-docs, grad students, undergrad students, volunteers) in the lab get together for after- hours socialization such as softball games, parties, etc. When I was a grad student, we always had undergrads volunteering - they often did nonglamorous jobs such as "dish-washing". However, they enjoyed hanging out in the lab - somewhere they could do their homework even.

[/quote]
THis really worked for me. I used to go to escape and do homework, but eventually it got me socializing with upperclassmen and profs, and they were a bit more sensitive and caring, and understood the need to get me to "get out" more.</p>

<p>I then went against everything I felt comfortable with and went through rush. We had a late rush. I ultimately pledged a sorority that was made up of many other science majors like myself, and girls that seemed to take their studies a bit more seriously. I learned to be more comfortable socializing. They really helped me to come out of my shell. </p>

<p>I agree with the advice given here, especially arriving early. And instead of sitting alone, or off to the side, find a spot in the middle. If there is a room with sofas and chairs, don't go for the chair, go for the sofa, and sit in the middle. You will be surprised how you will get to know people if you put yourself out there. There are other students just like you, on your own campus. Somehow you need to get up the courage to take some steps to help the situation.</p>

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<p>generic, I am another person who understands what you feel. I felt just like you first semester of my freshman year. And I do agree that October was the worst month for me. I was quite shy--in fact, my parents' friends thought they were crazy for letting me go so far from home for college. And I was a relatively poor kid in a college full of rich kids. I spent a lot of time in my room, listening to a certain music album that I called my "lonely music."</p>

<p>The low point came when my roommate asked me to move out, because I was "too quiet." (This was probably late October or early November.) I was devastated. She wanted to room with a girl down the hall, whose roommate was known as the "weird" one. Well, that move turned out to be the best thing for me. My new roommate, although a bit different, was very outgoing. She had no friends, due to her "strangeness," while I had no friends due to my shyness. We became great friends that year, and all it took was one good friend to make college a whole different place.</p>

<p>If you like your classes, and feel this college has what you want in a college, don't give up quite yet. Almost all freshmen are a bit homesick this time of year. (Even my outgoing son felt homesick his first semester.) Read all of the suggestions above and pick a couple that seem right for you. Look for others sitting alone at lunch and go join one. I know that is difficult for a shy person to do, but it isn't impossible. Once you find ONE person that you can be friends with, things will look much brighter.</p>

<p>I know it may seem contradictory, but the pain and loneliness you experience now can actually turn you into a better, more caring and understanding person. At the time I would have given anything to not be lonely, but looking back now, I know those experiences helped make me the person I am today. Out of pain can come strength.</p>

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<p>Like GBESQ, I had a similar experience from a similar background at Duke. </p>

<p>I actually found the issue of going home a good one, not a negative one, to explore? Why so? Well, the thought of going home was comforting, but what I really wanted was not as much to go home as to recapture what I knew in high school. But that can't happen, because even if you go home people move (particularly with the college peer group) and things change. So examing the realistic prospect (as opposed to a clouded vision of the past) was helpful. What will going home entail? A lackluster, thankless job? A commuter experience at a local school? Different friendships as people move on? A need to support things at home when it is the time in your life you deserve (yes, deserve) independence from your family? Going home may not solve the challenges you face. </p>

<p>And (this is not meant critically) try not to look at the world through your own narrow lens. Yes, you may be shy, but everyone is a collection of pluses and minuses and you can bet your mosaic puts up pretty darn well, even if you think shyness weighs too heavily on the scale. And one of the differences between college and high school is that you often have to work at making friendships - yes, like anything else, to do well you have to work at it - and no one, despite perceptions that some may have it easy, is above this. Keep your word to a new acquaintance - be dependable, honest, trustworthy, and secure in yourself - be willing to strike out a time or two, and you will make friendships - but it is work - which is good - because the bonds will be better when you make them. Is this a nice way of saying not to feel sorry for yourself? Well, yes. But we all do, so don't take this as anything but helpful - look at the practical results behind anything you do - you might be surprised you are in a good place, despite its flaws.</p>

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<p>generic,
You've had lots of great suggestions here. I would stress talking to someone at the counseling center. This is the number 1 problem they see on campus (feelings of not fitting in, loneliness, adaptation problems). My son was miserable last year and talking to a counselor helped him to survive and know that what he was feeling was not "abnormal". The counselor also helped him to identify pros and cons of staying versus transferring.</p>

<p>We are from what I would consider "upper middle class" and he has felt very uncomfortable around the kids with their designer label backpacks, talk of trips to Paris for a long weekend, summer in the Hamptons, etc. And he is not a shy person, so I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.</p>

<p>As a soph., he is still not very happy at the school, but as other posters said---there was a reason this school was first on his list. And those reasons are still valid. He loves most of his professors, feels like academics are what he wants and likes the individual attention the school gives students. He is not sure the grass would really be greener if he transferred to another school.</p>

<p>As other posters mentioned, get to know your professors. Three or four professors helped my son last year feel so much better about himself. In fact other than 1 or 2 boys, these professors are probably the people he feels closest to on campus.</p>

<p>Do call your mom. My son called and does call frequently. Yes, it's hard on us moms to hear our children unhappy, but we do so want to be there for you. It would hurt so much more to find out your child needed to vent or talk and held it back from you. A mom's shoulder to cry on is a wonderful thing (even at my age!).</p>

<p>Take care of yourself physically too. The gym idea is a great one. Exercise can elevate your mood and perhaps you'll meet some people that when you see them in the dining hall, you can join for a meal.</p>

<p>Hang in there and see what time brings. Use the support services available to you. Keep in touch.</p>

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<p>I was going to suggest a church (or other religious institution), but see that micromom beat to it. I'll put a little twist on it-- look at organizations off campus. If you are a little uncomfortable around all the rich kids, you might find some more 'regular' people in the community-- plus a few students who for their own reasons choose to go out into the community.</p>

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<p>I agree that counseling is a good idea.</p>

<p>Lots of colleges have clubs for people who like to play board games, people who like to watch certain types of movies, etc. These kinds of activities might attract the less party-hearty segment of the student body, and it's easier to start talking to other people as part of an activity. And usually these activities are free.</p>

<p>The daughter of a friend went to a smal NE LAC with a great academic reputation (well-deserved) and it still took her months to find a quieter, more serious (but still fun) peer group that felt comfortable to her. She did eventually find several like-minded friends and has loved her college experience every since. But I think if she had joined a club or two early on, she might have found friends earlier. Finding like-minded and compatible people will probably be easier in the context of a quiet activity rather than a loud drunken party where you don't want to be anyway.</p>

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<ol>
<li><p>Visit the counseling center. I have worked in a college counseling center, and can say from experience that such places are very skilled at helping students with the kind of concerns that you have. Probably most students --including the heavy partiers -- feel awkward, out of place, homesick, etc. Indeed, you may be ahead of the heavy partiers because many of them are using drinking to fit in and that is not allowing them to develop skills that will help them make friends and learn how to adjust to new situations. Trust me: Once one leaves college or even freshman year, you'll have to be in new situations, and wont' be able to fit in by getting drunk.</p></li>
<li><p>You surely aren't the only first gen, low income student on campus. It's also not anything to feel ashamed about. You are in a situation to learn things that you couldn't learn at home. It's much more acceptable to be a bit awkward as a college frosh as you learn these things, which you'll have to learn anyway to be able to fit into a professional enviornment after college. If you run away from this experience, it will be much tougher to feel comfortable when you go on internship and get jobs/graduate school after college. People expect college students to be a bit awkward in professional settings. They expect graduates, interns to be more comforable.</p></li>
<li><p>Close to half of the people in this country consider themselves shy, so you are not alone in having difficulty meeting people. Shyness is not necessarily related to low self esteem, but is a personality trait and related to lack of social skills. It's also a fairly easy problem to improve. Check out the shyness.com web page, which has great info about how you can improve.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>I used to be very shy, and went through a very painful time as a college freshmen for many of the reasons that you cite. I hung in there, and eventually became very comfortable meeting people even when I'm in a roomful of strangers. Step by step, one can get over shyness, but to do so, one has to allow oneself to stretch by being in situations that you have to meet people and adjust to.</p>

<p>Look for organizations that match your interests. Fall of freshman year is the best time to join because there will be many other freshmen joining, and the organizations will be equipped to support and instruct new members.</p>

<p>Finally, it's unrealistic to expect to have friends this early in college. Friendships take a while to develop. Many people who are clinging together now are just doing so out of desperation and loneliness. They barely know each other. </p>

<p>If you also can get a part time job on campus, that also will probably help you meet people, including possibly getting relationships with secretaries and others who can become like your parents away from home. Many times, campus secretaries are very nurturing.</p>

<p>The post that suggested joining a religious or spirCitual organization also is a good idea if you are religious at all. </p>

<p>Also check CC's archives because others have posted about adjustment problems and shyness and have gotten good advice.</p>

<p>'I feel conspicuously poor. As I mentioned, my mother is a single parent, and I grew up with very little money (her average yearly income is approximately $15,000). The school which I attend is...affluent, to put it mildly, and I was only able to attend thanks to generous grants and federal aid. I feel as though my mannerisms betray my poverty, despite my best attempts to blend in. Thus, I feel uncomfortable and anxious all the time. Last weekend was Parents' Weekend, and of course, my mother couldn't afford to fly here. It just makes me so sad because I know that she would have given pretty much anything to attend. I didn't even want her to buy me anything or take me out to eat; I just wanted her to come and see my school and be proud of me.</p>

<ol>
<li>I am really, really introverted, and extremely reticent. Somehow, I ended up on a floor of people with whom I have little to nothing in common -- they are all loud, conservative, and like to go "clubbing" or to get drunk at the frats. During the first week or so, I didn't think that this would matter too much -- I assumed that there were friends to be made in classes or activities. Unfortunately, this hasn't proven to be true. It seems that most people make friends with their hallmates, so it's extremely difficult to assimilate into an already established group, especially since I find it nearly impossible to start conversations or even make consistent eye contact."</li>
</ol>

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<p>One last thing -- it's normal for everyone including affluent adults -- to have adjustment problems when moving to a new place. It's always an adjustment to move away from the familiar and have to find ways of making new friends, adjusting to new cultures (In our diverse country, even a 100-mile move means one has to experience new cultural norms), etc. </p>

<p>So, don't feel like there's something wrong with you. The happy looking students whom you see going out to parties, etc. probably also are struggling with the same kind of concerns that you are.</p>

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<p>Dear Generic,
Cyber hugs from all of us but also--wow! You write beautifully! You absolutely belong in a prestigious college. Wait until the professors read that voice of yours!</p>

<ol>
<li> As an extrovert, I can tell you it's not your imagination. Introverts have a much harder time of it--especially in America. Did you know that America has an especially high proportion of extroverts? Yup. It's hard to hear your own voice much less speak up in a room full of American blab-a-holics. :eek:</li>
</ol>

<p>But-good news! There are specific cognitive tools you can LEARN to help you overcome your feelings of awkwardness. If you go to the counselling center ( and many many students do use the services) you can start out by asking them to teach you those tools so that when you join a church or the school literary paper (they would kill to have that writing I can tell you), you will feel that you have some methods to practice. Also, I think you would not beat yourself up so much if you understood the genetic properties of shyness.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>I am sure your mom misses you too but I am also sure that your success means the world to your entire extended family. I bet they are living vicariously through you. I hope you are writing weekly emails telling them all about the ins and outs of your day. They would enjoy that and you might someday turn it into a book.</p></li>
<li><p>Is your present agony worth it? I think it is. For one thing, your degree (just four short years away!) is your ticket to eliminating that feeling of 'poverty'. Just think. In five or six years, you might be able to send your mom a plane ticket. How great would that feel? Wouldn't your mom just burst with pride? </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Let me tell you the story of my father-in-law. He was so shy and introverted that when his mother took him to kindergarten, he ran home. Every day. Finally, his mother decided to start his younger sister a year early so that he would stay in class with her. Otherwise, he couldn't stand it.</p>

<p>He grew up poorer than poor. His mother died when he was 14. No one in the family had been to college and no one encouraged him to go to college. He fell in love when he was 14. AFter high school, he married and went into the marines with his wife in tow. They had four children by the time they were 23. After the marines, he got a job paying $1.50 per hour on the loading docks of one of the top ten US corporations. At night, he went to college on the GI bill. He was older and poorer than everyone else. He was the only one with four children. He was exhausted. He had to study in the car because it was too noisy in their tiny apartment.</p>

<p>He graduated number 2 in the class and was launched into a series of promotions that culminated, 28 years later, when he got the number 10 spot in the corporation. Then, he was recruited by another Fortune 500 company and became the CEO of that company. All along the way, he encouraged younger employees--some of whom are now running some of the biggest corporations in the world!</p>

<p>To this day, the factory workers in the original plant hail his success.</p>

<p>A more generous man you've never met. He never forgot his family back home. He not only bought them plane tickets--he bought them houses and college educations and cars and piano lessons and extravagant Christmas presents. He is a legend to his family, to his co-workers and to his employees.</p>

<p>You could become a legend too.</p>

<p>Are you going to get a chance to go home for Thanksgiving?</p>

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<p>What a wonderful post Cheers! I agree that the OP is a beautiful writer.</p>

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<p>I am glad you are getting such good advice here on this thread--look at kids who are working on campus-shelving books in the library? behind the scenes in the dining halls? in the bookstore? these may be people from economic backgrounds more like yours--try starting a conversation with some of them.</p>

<p>Look for other loners at meals--say mind if I join you? And engage them in conversation--believe me--you are not the only lonely freshman on campus.</p>

<p>Also do seek counseling if you experience a lot of sadness and loneliness, as the others have said. </p>

<p>Are you enjoying your courses? Look at the kids who seem bright, speak up, make intelligent comments--you might suggest to some of them that you go for coffee after class.</p>

<p>Look for a social service project--tutoring local schoolkids? Helping university employees with low level jobs improve their English? Reading to a blind student or professor? Students who seek to help others may be less materialistic and more open-minded than the clubbing crowd. </p>

<p>Hang in there, believe in yourself, be open to others' needs and concerns, make the most of this wonderful opportunity that you have earned for yourself!!</p>

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<p>Bravo, Cheers, for an inspiring message.</p>

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<p>Cheers:
Cheers for that!</p>

<p>Generic: Your cyberparents here have great advice, Do heed them, do talk to your mother, and speak out.</p>

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<p>Cheers,</p>

<p>You certainly have the gift of encouragement! Thanks for sharing this gift with Generic and for inspiring all the rest of us with your father-in-law's story!</p>

<p>Generic,</p>

<p>Keep your chin up! We are pulling for you!</p>

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<p>Generic: please post again and let us know how you are. I've been thinking of you often.</p>

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<p>And you know what? Some of the rich kids feel like you do. But they feel lonely because they are rich kids from California while others are rich kids from Singapore or Houston or New York. It is easy to feel different at that age, and really, you aren't too different in your heart from the others.</p>

40

<p>I don't think this has been mentioned yet, but I met a lot of my friends by doing my homework in the lounge on my floor. People would breeze in and out, you say hi, introduce yourself. It takes the anxiety out of approaching someone in the street or knocking on their door. You put yourself in the open, and they come to you. After a month or so there was always a group of six or so in the lounge doing homework. I know you said that you don't think you'd have much in common with the people on your floor, but try it there first. Like someone said before, you may see a bunch of rowdy party-types, but there are probably a good number of quieter students whom you don't notice as much, well, because they're quieter. If you're not getting the response you wanted or the floor-traffic, try the lounge on the main floor or a sitting area in some other building--if you have a student union or the like. These could also work, but I think your floor has a more captive audience. If you don't like doing homework (and who does?), you could just go to the lounge and watch a tv show. If you watch Survivor on Thursdays, watch it in the lounge and make some popcorn and the same should apply. You are out for the meeting, but not putting yourself on the spot like going up to a stranger, and it's a built-in conversation starter should someone come in.</p>

<p>I remember these feelings very well (from all the way back to last year), but I also remember--I guess it was about March or so, when I'd found a pretty solid group of 7 or 8 good friends, that we were all sitting around the lounge, and I said how miserable my first night and first few weeks were. I sat in my room like the saddest person you'd ever see, and all of my friends said the same thing. Just think, as I was there alone thinking everyone else on the floor was downtown at a club as I'd heard a number of the louder ones leaving, half the floor was alone in his/her room feeling the same way. It would have helped had I known that at the time, but you should keep it in mind; it may help.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>