<p>Another suggestion, go to the International Students office--some kids from overseas may need help negotiating American customs and bureaucracy or with their English spelling/grammar-- perhaps you could be a partner to one or more of them and benefit from learning about their countries.</p>
<p>Sorry you're having a rough time. Like others, I think that you may just be having a difficult adjustment period and that you will meet some friends and that things will get better. However, I found myself really agreeing with weenie in post 13. If you go to a very small school where you don't fit in to the predominant culture of the place, it might be difficult to make friends. Even in larger local high schools of a few thousand students, I can see how it is difficult for students not in the mainstream to "fit in". If you are either very confident or a natural loner, it doesn't matter. But if you need people it can be very difficult. </p>
<p>If you try to make friends, get counseling and by the winter break you don't feel any better, I would seriously consider transferring. Perhaps research a few alternatives now so you can be ready to fill out applications if needed. You are only a freshman and there is no reason to stick with a decision that may have been the wrong one.</p>
<p>My son ended up going to a school close to home. He lives there and we don't visit him. He is on his own. But I think it gives him some comfort that he could come home if he wants to, and he does sometimes. We, too, are a very close family. Keep in mind that you don't have to grow up all at once. For some folks, a gradual transition is better. Good luck to you! :)</p>
<p>Cheer up! You sound so much like me when I was a freshman at Penn State. I'm not full of great advice like the others on this board, but after my first term my original roommate transferred and I got a fantastic roommate that dragged me to all sorts of activities, racquetball, etc. etc. etc. And everything was great after that.</p>
<p>Sometimes if you stick with it, something great comes along and it all works out. But it was a true blessing that my first roommate moved away.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Thanks for all the advice, everyone. It makes me feel a little better to be reminded that other people have had difficulty with adjusting to college, and I appreciate all of your reassuring messages. </p>
<p>A few things that I didn't mention in my previous post:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I don't think that transferring is a viable option for me at this time, primarily because I am really only able to attend college thanks to a substantial amount of institutional need-based aid, aid that other colleges would probably be unable to match in the middle of the year. I was also a National Merit Scholar, and I think it would be a shame to lose that scholarship by transferring to a school other than the one which I indicated as my first choice. I'm paying for college entirely by myself, so the financial issue is a major one.
I also feel bad transferring because my extended family has such high expectations for me. Even though they don't really understand the system of college rankings or the importance of a postsecondary education, I think that I would be letting them down somehow by capitulating and transferring to a less prestigious school closer to home. It's difficult to articulate, but I feel like following through with a degree is the best way to repay my family for what they've sacrificed to allow me to get to this point. And like cheers mentioned earlier, I think it would be wonderful to be able to send my mom a plane ticket so that she can come visit. I can't think of anyone in the world more deserving of having nice things than my mom. I hope that after college, I'll be able to give her some of the things we weren't able to have when I was little. </p></li>
<li><p>I'm not religious at all, nor am I a minority, so that sort of cuts down on the activities that are available. At the moment, I'm trying really hard to absorb myself in studying, but I think it would be nice to have another activity to devote my attention to. I'll definitely keep some of your suggestions in mind. There's a hospital on campus, and since I like to read, I was planning to look into reading to children there or something. </p></li>
<li><p>I hesitate to tell my mom just how much I miss her , since I'm sure that she has enough to worry about without knowing exactly how sad and homesick I am here. It makes me feel ungrateful to be so miserable, especially since my mother would <em>love</em> to be able to go back to school. Every time I walk around the picturesque campus or study in the library or go to class, I think about how much I wish my mom would have been able to have the same opportunity.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I also sympathize with the poster who created the thread titled "I miss my mommy." Coming to college and being alone has really made me realize that there will only ever be one person on earth whom I can call my mommy. </p>
<p>Thanks again for all of the advice and kindness. It was good to be reminded that this transitory period of loneliness will pay off in the end.</p>
<p>And, as an edit:
Cheers, thanks very much for telling the story of your father-in-law. I really appreciate knowing that I'm not alone. I'm glad to hear that someone else was able to rise above circumstances and really become successful. :)</p>
<p>Look for a community service center on your campus or a club that mainly does community service. The student activities office could help you find these things. Based on your post today, it sounds like this could be a good way for you to find something fun to do while also meeting students with similar interests and values.</p>
<p>Getting involved like this may be better than going straight to a hospital because you'd be better able to meet peers who care about the things that you do.</p>
<p>Good luck to you Username. I know your Mom is proud of you and it's great that you are proud of her, too. You sound like a good team.</p>
<p>I still think you should talk to your Mom about this. We parents can sense when our kids are having problems and it makes us feel better when they talk to us and let us help.</p>
<p>If you are a good student, you might volunteer for some peer tutoring activities. It might be an easy way to make a few friends.</p>
<p>Telling your Mom that you miss her and that you are finding the adjustment difficult will not make your Mom feel you are being ungrateful. I bet she already senses some of your sadness and giving her a few details will help ease her concern and let her know that despite the miles, she is still a big part of your life. Without some details, no telling what kind of scenarios are going through her mind. Just add a few of the good things too. </p>
<p>"Every time I walk around the picturesque campus or study in the library or go to class, I think about how much I wish my mom would have been able to have the same opportunity." That is beautifully written and I'm sure your Mom would love to hear that. So, tell her both, the good and the bad. Tell her you are grateful for the opportunities her support has given you but that you know you left a part of your heart back home. Tell her you plan to find a way to bring her to campus so you can share with her, even if it takes a couple of years. Tell her about some awesome lecture. As you have said, your family is excited for you but I'd be willing to bet they are also a little afraid that you will outgrow them. Sharing your difficulties with your Mom, at least a little, will let her know this won't ever be the case. Give her the chance to do what she does best which is to be your Mom.</p>
<p>Hi generic, I'm so glad you posted again. I have been thinking of you. I wish I had thought in my earlier posts to comment on your writing style, as some of the other posters did. You are an excellent writer, with a very strong voice. (I have worked in publishing for many years, and I don't hand out compliments like that lightly.) You mentioned that all your extended family is so proud of you attending college--could you send them a little weekly newsletter telling them about your experiences (concentrating on the positive side). I was thinking that might help you with feeling more connected to your family back home and maybe they would stay in regular touch with you. </p>
<p>Do you talk to the librarians when you are studying in the library? I used to be a librarian and I always liked to chat with clients, especially regulars that I got to know. You might be able to volunteer at your college library or local public library or elementary school if you enjoy reading to children.</p>
<p>generic username- I have not read every post, just the first page, so there may have been more developments. I wanted to post, before going to bed, and tell you that my thoughts are with you. Yes, the suggestions about using the counseling center are good ones. The people who work there have helped many, many others who have gone through, or who are going through the same situation as you. Beyond that, I will offer a couple of other thoughts. One, try hard to put yourself out there .. at a meal, go up to a table where someone else is already sitting, and simply say "hi". I can not gurantee that evey person will respond. But, if it is not the first person, then it will be the second or third person who WILL respond, and will be nice back to you. Don't stop there, ask the person where he/she is from, how they are doing, how they like the school, etc. By showing interest in the other person, it will typically cause the other person to show interest in return. (As is the case for you - where you want people to show interest in you, right? the same is true with them. So, be interested in them, and you will make friends.). Lastly, have something (anything) to talk about. It could be a book you have read, or are reading. It could be a movie that is out in the theatres. Maybe something about sports, or politics, food, etc. Be prepared to talk about something (so the other person is not left in silence). You WILL do fine. It is kind of like giving a speech up in front of a large audience (or even in a class), where the first words out of your mouth are the hardest, but once you get to speaking, it gets easier and easier. </p>
<p>Best wishes.</p>
<p>Thank you, generic, for coming back to update us. LIke bookiemom said, many of us have been thinking of you and hoping to hear back. Do follow-up on your ideas for some time of service work and I like NorthStarMom's approach of doing it through an organization at your school with this focus. This would be the quickest way to connecting you with like-minded peers.</p>
<p>Please come back from time to time and tell us how it's going.</p>
<p>I know this may sound weird, but my son has made friends via his school's facebook. He is not extremely outgoing, but some other students with similar interests actually contacted him. They talked, did the activity of similar interest, and are now friends. It couldn't hurt to try!</p>
<p>"Telling your Mom that you miss her and that you are finding the adjustment difficult will not make your Mom feel you are being ungrateful"</p>
<p>True. It also may reassure her that despite your having the opportunity to have an education she wasn't able to have, you still love her, appreciate her and miss her. Sometimes parents whose kids get more education than the parents have fear that the kids will be ashamed of them or will literally forget about them as the kids move on to a better life.</p>
<p>It also would be OK -- even nice -- for you to ask your mom to do something for you like send your cookies or something. Often parents, particularly those who haven't gone to college, don't know what they can do to support their students. Moms also often really like doing things like mailing goodies off to their kids. The moms can miss nurturing their kids in person, so the moms can welcome having something to do to be helpful.</p>
<p>If your mom sends goodies, share them with others. Put a sign on your door: "Have some homemade cookies". That's a great way of making friends. Virtually all students love treats, particularly those from someone's mom.</p>
<p>As has been said, moms also can sense when their kids are sad, etc., so it is helpful to tell your mom what's going on and give her something to do to help. This also helps her. It's awful to know something is wrong with one's beloved child, but not to be able to get information from the child about what the problem is.</p>
<p>Hugs to you! Please keep letting us know how you're doing.</p>
<p>Northstarmom's idea of requesting a care package from home is great. Yes, postage is kind of expensive but this accomplishes so many things. It lets your family continue to support and nurture you, it makes you feel a little closer to them, and it gives you the perfect opportunity to introduce yourself without feeling so self-conscious. If your Mom doesn't have time to bake some cookies, how about a grandma, uncle, etc? Leave your door open and post a sign that you have homemade goodies or study in the dorm lounge and put the box on the table. Go to the RA and say I've been feeling really homesick and alone so my Mom sent some cookies, would you like one? That will get the ball rolling and not be so intimiding. </p>
<p>Even though you feel you haven't always treated your Mom right (who has?) you come across as articulate and caring and she seems so proud of you. There are a lot of parents on this board who care about you, so come back occassionally and let everyone know how things are. Hugs.</p>
<p>I want to add to those who have commented on your writing with one more vote for "putting yourself out there" to get involved with the school newspaper or literary magazine. </p>
<p>Do you already have a campus job? If not...perhaps there's an opening in the school PR office. I found it a great place to work to learn about what was going on at school, and to connect with others...and get some practical writing experience. Many campus jobs are only 5 - 10 hours/week.</p>
<p>Hello,
With my first semester completed, I suppose it might be time for an update.
First, the good news: my grades have been posted, and I received a 4.00, although I did withdraw from one course early in the semester and take its corequisite for credit/no credit. Needless to say, I won't be pursuing further study in either area. I was, on the whole, fairly pleased with my academic performance -- I did not, by any stretch of the imagination, maintain a 4.00 in high school, nor did I make a very valiant attempt to do so. I have also been in contact with the head of the English department, and with any luck, I'll be allowed to take a graduate course next semester. I spent a lot of time in the library as the semester progressed, and even obtained a public library card to expand my reading resources, so to speak. I was able to surprise my family with a surreptitiously scheduled visit home over Thanksgiving break, and I really enjoyed the chance to sleep in my own bed and take a shower without wearing sandals.
Unfortunately, the news is not all positive. I still don't have any friends at school; in fact, I may be worse off in this regard than I was when I originally posted, as most people seem to have formed fairly cohesive (and impenetrable) groups at this point. Although I have become rather accustomed to being alone, I feel a bit overwhelmed when I think about my imminent return to college for second semester -- the contrast between my home, where I feel safe and well-liked, and school, where I spend most of my time in the library or alone in my room is incredibly stark. I have also begun to have panic attacks, which are pretty worrisome.
So, on the whole, my first semester was a study in contrasts: academically, college is everything I hoped for, but socially, it has been less than wonderful. Still, I am returning for second semester, and I hope to find a friend along the way.</p>
<p>I am glad you wrote! You are doing great scholastically. You sound much like my oldest d. She has graduated & is in the real world now but her freshman year was beyond horible. She didn't tell me, but I instinctivly knew something was amiss. I would sit at home & cry not knowing what to do, if something was wrong with her or if it was just me. </p>
<p>Now, several years later, I know the details of what was going on. She never made friends in college. None of her friends from hs even went to college so she very quickly outgrew them. When she would come home, she had nothing to share with them & soon had no friends to visit at home. Somehow none of the kids at college really fit with her either - I think she was in a phase of personal growth/change & really didn't fit in anyplace. None of her friends today went to college with her (though most, did go to college). </p>
<p>Now I know the whole story. Much of the problem was that, although an extrovert, she is not a "party girl". Trying to fit in is easier for an extrovert. An extrovert miles from home with no friends is not likely to stay in her room while the party is down the hall. The self-exteem challenged extrovert is likely to join in the party, even if exposing oneself to choices outside of their usual character. </p>
<p>I wish I could say it gets better, but I can't. I can say, however, that there are ways to deal with it. You indicate you have spent time at the library. That's a good place to meet people of like minds. My d focused on class work & met with her profs often. She was able to get a research position for one of her profs as a sophomore & thus met other students. All the others in the the research were grad students so they were much older. But they gave her a social connection (though none became "friends"). She worked many hours in research & volunteered as often as possible. She also got a job as a tutor. It was easy for her to get the job & it's very flexible & got her meeting others (granted, they were ages 10-17 but it was a boost to the self-esteem, pocketbook & drew her away from the campus regularly). </p>
<p>My d also had panic attacks and yes, they are worrisome. Have you had the chance to speak to a counselor at the school? My d's sought counseling from the school, which she dearly needed & it really gave her the chance to begin pulling herself up from the bootstraps and carry on. Again, I had no idea because she did not tell me (but instinctivly I knew!). The counselor got her the tutoring job & encouraged her to get to know her profs & set the stage for the research deal. She is also the one who encouraged her to tell me what had transpired, which d did not do until very late in her senior year - years after the counselor recommended it, in fact.</p>
<p>Other than tutoring, she never got a job, because I discouraged it. Had I known the extent of her problem, I would have been singing a different tune. I now know that she was so depressed in her freshman year that she did not attend any class until after Thanksgiving. She had a "catalyst event" the night before the first day of class that threw her into despair & caused her to skip school for the first time in her life. Somehow she miraculously passed her classes (she is very bright) but that freshman year was the worst immaginable. Since then everything turned out & she was able to pull herself together. Grades were much better 2nd semester, but since her classes were year long building classes like O-Chem, the foundation of first semester was so poor that she struggled all of freshman year (a very new experience for her, which didn't help the self esteem). By Sophomore year she was turning the corner & Jr. year through graduation she got 4.0 each term. Having your grades is a very big plus, at last you're not fighting to pull them up too. </p>
<p>Not many kids can miss classes through Thanksgiving and still pull off passing grades (she did later choose to repeat a class (maybe 2) during her Jr. summer to fix her transcript though to the extent possible - passing is just that, not an F - but not a C either!). </p>
<p>Back in freshman year, her roommate didn't send up a red flag or tell anyone that she was depressed (or worse) but that is a totally different story. In fact, someday the story of her path to & through college is quite possibly book material! </p>
<p>I admire your strength to push through beyond this. To return to school after Xmas break to what you know will be 2nd semester similar to 1st takes courage. The trick is to channel that courage to get into some social happening. Perhaps the item you mentioned early on that you would like to have done but could not because of classes could now be fit into your schedule? Or, consider the tutor idea my d did. It really helped her soooo much. Really, you don't need lot's of friends, you only need one! There is someone else (or more than one) in the same boat you are - you just gotta find her (maybe she is looking for you!).</p>
<p>Congratulations on your academic success--that should be an important brick in the building of your self-confidence. Also your courage and determination in going back to face the next semester is admirable. Please consider seeking counseling help for your panic attacks--your college will certainly offer psychological services and panic attacks will be a familiar area for them--you really are not alone with these types of problems. There may be many cohesive groups on your campus but there are, somewhere out there, other loners and other academic high-achievers who would welcome your company. Many campus activity groups will always be on the lookout for new members--find a group dedicated to producing something or achieving a goal (school newspaper has already been suggested--and you write very well!) and pitch in with your talents and your energy. Rather than directly looking for "friends" , seek activities that put you together with people for a common cause. Friends can be a by-product. Don't expect instant results but get used to engaging in friendly small talk with other students and being a good listener--draw people out to talk about their concerns and remember who said what next time you see them--ask them how that tough course or roommate problem or whatever is going. Pretend to yourself you are writing a novel about all the personalities on your campus and find out what makes them tick.</p>
<p>Or use your writing skills in a tutoring project related to freshman comp or something similar.</p>
<p>You have many supporters rooting for you on CC. Good Luck!</p>
<p>May I suggest participating in recreational and/or intermural sports activities, in addition to the suggestions above? Physical activity is great for helping keep you in good spirits, and being part of a team, no matter how informal, is a great way to find friends.</p>
<p>Generic,
I bet there are dozens and dozens of students at your school in the same boat: they feel alone, and very lonely, in a sea of what appears to be blissfully connected peers. But appearances can be deceiving, fact is, not everyone makes friends easily, in fact I think it's a bit of a myth that real friendships can be made quickly. Can you talk to someone about your feelings? Are there counseling services at your school? That would be a good start dealing with those panic attacks. For an improved social life, have you explored any clubs or intermural activities? The beauty of intermural is that you don't have to be good - you just have to show up. If sports are definitely out, see if the library offers any discussion/book groups (you sound like a reader.) A film club would be good for an introvert: half the time you're sitting in the dark without talking! (Smile.) You know, a college friend went through a similar crisis when he was new at a huge western university. He later told me, he made it a point to start a conversation with one stranger per day. It was something as random and as simple as saying "how many lit classes are you taking?" when he saw some girl lugging a stack of 19th century novels. Often these random approaches didn't result in anything more than a couple of exchanged sentences, or a friendly nod later on. Yet sowly he built a network of familiar faces who then became acquaintences and later friends. And it all started with one conversation with one stranger, each day. In any case, I think it's safe to assume there are others who feel like you, who return to school for the 2nd semester with mixed feelings and new resolves to become more involved/social. Think of it as an opportunity to start over. And comfort yourself that, despite a difficult 1st semester, you not only managed, but did very well academically. A lot of your classmates can't say the same.</p>