I would greatly appreciate it if you could grade my essay!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Blue Book Test 5 p. 637</p>

<p>"Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?"</p>

<p>::
There is more to life than just materialism. Although society and mass media has imprinted upon us our cupidity for money, fame, and power, we have stronger motivators than materialistic values. As demonstrated by the knightly figure Batman and the resolute character John Proctor, humans have a powerful, intrinsic motivator within: the conscience.</p>

<p>In the film, Batman Begins, Bruce Wayne sacrifices his opportunity for an idyllic life in order to save Gotham City from evil. Wayne, an eccentric billionaire, could easily marry a beautiful wife, amass capital, and spend the rest of his life abroad in a charming European country. However, motivated by his conscience, Wayne discards his fame and dreams of a halcyonic life by returning to Gotham as an undercover agent under the moniker, "Batman." As Batman, Wayne fights the evil operations of mafia boss Falcone and shuts down drug-dealing operations while hidden under his mask. Wayne makes the ultimate sacrifice as Batman because he cannot take credit for any of his tremendous services to the public. His sole incentive as Batman is his conscience: the "inner voice" that tells him that the conditions in Gotham must change, and that it is his moral duty to facilitate that change. As a "dark knight," Batman gains no money, fame, or power through his actions.</p>

<p>John Proctor is also a resolute protagonist in Arthur Miller's play, The Crucible. Throughout the play, townsfolk are accused of witchcraft and condemned to death by hanging. Those who confess that they have been solicited by the devil are only imprisoned, but their cowardice only enables the judge to hand out more sentences. In a time of mass hysteria, everybody gives in to mob mentality, except John Proctor. Proctor sees the lies fabricated by the girls who accuse people, and he takes a stand against injustice and decries the crimes of the court. He holds on to his morals up until the very end of his life when he is killed by a noose around his neck. Thanks to Proctor's steadfastness and conviction, the trials come to an end and the town of Salem realizes the grave consequences of their errors. Proctor was motivated by conscience and conscience alone; only a true, innate force would compel him to sacrifice his own life for a cause that he regarded as more important. Let's not forget that he could have easily followed the hive-mind and taken a prison sentence by lying. Instead, his conscience realized the flagrant injustice and motivated him to resist.</p>

<p>Indeed, conscience is the most powerful motivator of all. Materialistic values such as money, fame, and power can, at most, drive us through superficial means. Only conscience can force us to give up all that we hold dear in exchange for helping a greater cause.
::</p>

<p>All feedback is greatly appreciated, but a numerical grade would be even better! I personally believe that I scored a 11-12 on this essay, but you may think otherwise.</p>

2

<p>You are a very talented young person.</p>

<p>This is certainly a five and more than likely a six. If you weren’t following quite such a paint-by-numbers* approach, it would almost certainly be a six.</p>

<p>There are a couple other issues that are best dealt with privately.</p>

<p>*If you haven’t heard of “paint by numbers,” look it up.</p>

<p>“our cupidity” Huh? Is this a typo? If not, please throw away (or at least hide) your thesaurus.</p>

<p>“John Proctor is also a resolute protagonist in Arthur Miller’s play, The Crucible.” I agree. So what?</p>

3

<p>Thanks! I agree that my format seems a bit formulaic, but its the best I can do while being pressed for time.</p>

<p>Also, what is the proper way to use cupidity? (I thought it mean greed as in “agrarian cupidity” in the context of history where farmers were greedy for more land.)</p>

4

<p>Gentle reader, I am nearly forty years old. I have master’s degrees in English and linguistics and a doctorate in education. Still, until today, I have never—not once—used the word “cupidity” either orally or in writing.</p>

<p>I’m not saying that I don’t know what the word means.</p>

<p>You’ve used the word correctly, but you’re about a hundred years too late in using it.</p>

<p>In my initial response to your paper, I was about to write that it’s almost TOO good to be a six. This issue speaks in part to why this is the case.</p>

<p>Hopefully that makes sense.</p>

5

<p>If you mean simple greed, then “avarice” is a better choice than “cupidity.” “Greed” would also be a perfectly fine choice. “Cupidity” refers to a kind of greedy desire; I suspect that it derives from “Cupid,” in terms of its etymology (though I am not certain about this).</p>

6

<p>In the opening paragraph, you should have “society and mass media have” rather than “society and mass media has.”</p>

7

<p>I just looked it up, and while your use of “cupidity” is perfectly acceptable, the majority of readers who know what it means will probably also be aware of the Latin “cupiditas,” or “passionate desire.”</p>

8

<p>I think the essay is quite good, but it has a few minor flaws. For example, I don’t think that conscience can be an incentive, in terms of the strict meaning of incentive. A clear conscience could be an incentive, perhaps. At the beginning of the second paragraph, you state that "John Proctor is also a resolute protagonist . . . " Rhetorically, this would be better if you had used the word “resolute” in your description of Batman–or at least the word “resolved.”</p>

<p>Aside from that, I think this essay is very strong and would probably receive a score of 11 or 12.</p>

9

<p>If you mean simple greed, then “avarice” is a better choice than “cupidity.” “Greed” would also be a perfectly fine choice.</p>

<p>Bingo, at least with regard to your second sentence above.</p>

<p>If you mean “greed,” then no other word will do. No two words have the exact same meaning; there is no such thing as a true synonym.</p>