If you could change 3 things about your child, what would it be?

Parents Forum
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<p>Pattykkk - I have done some studying of brain and cognitive development, and in my opinion it is much more likely hormonal. Without going into too much detail, hormones like estrogen directly influence the parts of the brain like the amygdala & hippocampus directly associated with emotion & memory formation. Studies also show an impact on reasoning processes correlated to hormonal levels - women actually think differently when there is more estrogen in their brains. </p>

<p>So my guess would be that a lot of strange things start happening to the brains of middle-school age girls along with puberty ... and maybe the more highly intelligent girls are also more self-reflective and aware of changes. With the hormonal ups and downs of puberty, there are probably significant variations in the ability to concentrate, focus, remember facts, etc. --- and smart girls probably start wondering if they are losing their minds. Since the kids who are highly intelligent kids would also have their self-esteem more invested in the idea that they are smart and capable - it probably is very scary when memory and thought processes seem out of whack.</p>

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<p>And then it happens all over again at menopause!</p>

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<p>with mine it didn't start at puberty, it started at shortly after birth when she would not accept cloth diapers and I couldn't hold her when I nursed her.
She is probably on the autistic/asberger/ADD spectrum although I have been searching for years for a decent diagnosis. Since it is just mild enough for her to pass as "normal" it takes a doctor who is familar with it to understand. Most doctors seem to barely understand autism let alone someone who just seems "shy".

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Unfortunately, hypersensitivity to light touch is often accompanied by lack of normal sensitivity to heat, cold, and pain. The child may refuse to wear a jacket in the winter, and refuse to take it off during the hot summer. He may not cry at injuries that would make another child scream.

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<p>I have seen her go through the ceiling when a teacher rested their hand on her shoulder, but when she broke her wrist when she was 6 she was just a little teary :(
I have seen hormones make kids nutso though and it doesn't help when their bodies grow faster than their brain can adjust to.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.thechildrenscenteraz.org/tactile.htm%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.thechildrenscenteraz.org/tactile.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>Curmudgeon:</p>

<p>Are you my husband? I recognise our daughter from the basketball game, so you must be my husband! Is this what you are doing all those late nights on the computer?</p>

<p>I still think the ref was wrong!</p>

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<p>i can't believe you guys honestly want to change your children. Just the thought of that makes me disgusted.</p>

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<p>calmom: Thanks for the information; I agree that intelligent girls are probably more sensitive to the changes going on during adolescence. When you add a genetic predisposition to depression or a condition like autism, it becomes a very difficult time for these kids.
Emeraldkity: I have been told my son has PDD or atypical autistic traits. We did many years of OT and PT, but I am finding that he seems to be outgrowing some things on his own and just developing later in some respects. I found that he responded best when I worked hard to tune into him when he was younger. Lately he has made big leaps in maturity and seems to be becoming independent quite naturally. He still has his movements, but he manages to do them when he is home and seems happy with himself.
Did you ever do the sensory integration stuff with your daughter? (brushing, weighted clothing, etc.) We did not, but I have often wondered if it might have helped. He does like heavy jackets and blankets, so maybe he is doing his own therapy.
Fendergirl: We don't seriously want to change our kids. We are just kvetching and also talking about some of our worries.</p>

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<p>For any interested parents- you might like a book called Quirky Kids by Dr. Perry Klass.</p>

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<p>Fendergirl, based on that post, I might not just want to change you, I might want to exchange you!</p>

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<p>Marite, my thoughts exactly.</p>

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<p>another book is Shadow Syndroms by John Ratey</p>

<p>The OT gave me brief training to do myself, but she resisted anything that seemed "planned". However I did find once she found a sport she would try things helped.
We started off with swimming, then basketball ( she couldnt tolerate shinguards until she was 11 even though she really wanted to play soccer earlier- she snowboards, but can't stand hard shelled ski boots)</p>

<p>Fendergirl I am assuming from your rejection of changing anyone, that you have no desire to change YOur parents, thats great, however unusual. I can think of a whole list of things to change about MY mom.</p>

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<p>Just came across this thread and have been reading all these posts with great interest. Just wanted to say:</p>

<p>Curmudgeon you cracked me up with the Basketball daughter story. You should be a writer.</p>

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<p>Yes, Fendergirl, we should all reman precisely the same forever--no changes, no improvements, no alterations of any kind regardless of how lovingly and clear-eyed those who might recommend such growth might advise us.</p>

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<p>Islandmom, to paraphrase Harry Truman, I just post the truth and y'all think it's humor. My family is this odd.</p>

<p>As for me ever being a writer see my response to the same suggestion near the end of the "I knew better than to go down to the cafe " thread.</p>

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<p>I would like to revisit the retainer tangent of this thread. My son (whom I am already missing and he is not leaving for 8 months) has not one, but two retainers now floating in the trash in Airports in countries outside the U.S.. Clearly jet lag is a unique threat to retainer retention. Just wanted to alert parents to this fact.</p>

<p>Also wanted to shield fendergirl a bit.</p>

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<p>I think that Fendergirl is missing something in the humor department, but I'm the one I wrote I wouldn't change a thing ... and I have to admit to feeling a few twinges at some of the other posts. So to get serious for a minute:</p>

<p>My parenting philosophy has always been, "don't sweat the small stuff". My kids are both in excellent health, are smart, were good students in high school, are active, engaged, are loved and respected by their friends. Neither is addicted to drugs or alcohol, nor has either ever been arrested or accused of a crime. So frankly, as someone who grew up in the 60s and had a close famiiy member struggle with drug abuse and attendant legal problems..... I'm grateful. </p>

<p>I did once want to change something about my son. My son is dyslexic. When he was 11 years old and still not reading, I prayed to God to change my son. I prayed that if God would only allow my son to become a reader, I would never ask for anything else. My prayer was granted. So you see, I'm stuck - I've already gotten my one change. Fortunately, my son also wanted that change, more than anything in the world. </p>

<p>A few people here have mentioned serious issues with their kids that cause the children frustration and make life truly difficult - such as autistic tendencies - but most of the posts are gripes about doing the laundry and wearing retainers. Hey guys --- that is NORMAL. ALL kids have those sort of issues. So if your kid is healthy and law-abiding, be grateful that your kid is going through all the normal teenage stuff. If your kid is away at college and never calls, it is because she is doing WELL and is HAPPY without you - rejoice. And if she calls 9 times a week to tell you every little thing.... well that's because she loves you and still needs you --- celebrate. Some other parent, somewhere else, is dealing with a kid who is suicidal - if that's not you, be glad. </p>

<p>Ctymomteacher -- Fendergirl never said that she didn't want to make changes in her own life -- she just feels offended at the notion of parents trying to change her. Teenagers and young adults really don't need their parents to "lovingly .... recommend ....growth" --- they'll ask your help when they want it -- in the meantime, they need unconditional love and acceptance. Yes we can gripe and joke --- and if this thread had been entitled "what does your kid do that drives you nuts" or that "makes you worry" then maybe there would be no controversy. But for human beings, "change" needs to come from within - not from parents trying to reshape their kids into something a little more perfect. </p>

<p>Sorry for the rant. I know that we honestly all feel frustrated some of the time, and when our kids were smaller there was a little more that we could do to help shape their growth by the choices we made for them. But as they grow older, we need to learn to accept and love the people they have become. And maybe a public bulletin board that the kids may stumble across and read is not the place to vent about what we think is wrong about our kids.</p>

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<p>Easy, calmom--I, too, said I wouldn't change my beautiful son. But I also don't think those who either thoughtfully or humorously discussed changes here deserved to be called "disgusting," which is what fendergirl called them. Perhaps her back is up at her own parents. There's no need to call these people names because of that.</p>

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<p>Fendergirl,
Correct me if I am wrong...but I think you are a senior at a small U in central PA (?York). I think you like to read these boards but sometimes don't have the time to read them completely (many of us are in the same situation). I think you are a responsible, solid, kid who works hard and does pretty darn well! Since you often post on the parent forum, but are not a parent (which of course is fine) you will often have a different take on things. Sometimes, probably because you don't read every word of a thread, I think you have missed a nuance or two, but no matter. I have no idea whether or not you have a sense of humor, I think you are an earnest person, however. </p>

<p>Calmom- Congratulations to you and your son for his overcoming his dyslexic pattern. I am with you on the "drives you nuts", versus "want to change", versus "cannot change even if you want to ?" ...dilemma. I agree, however, with Marite that it is our job as parents to help our children become the "best version of themselves."</p>

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<p>Calmom:</p>

<p>You're putting words into Fendergirl's mouth. Here is her post:</p>

<p>i can't believe you guys honestly want to change your children. Just the thought of that makes me disgusted.</p>

<p>She is not "offended at the notion of parents trying to changer HER." she is DISGUSTED at the notion of parents wanting to change THEIR children. There is huge difference between offended and disgusted and her and other kids. </p>

<p>Sorry, I must be lacking in the humor department, too, though I also posted that I would not want to change my kids. But I see nothing to disgust a teenager about parents griping that their kids don't pick up dirty laundry, or that they are disorganized, or don't call often enough, etc... Nor would I see anything to disgust a teenager if parents posted about wanting to change something far more major about their child.</p>

<p>Parenting IS actually all about changing the lump of DNA one gave birth to into something approaching a civilized human being. Granted, that lump of DNA is cute, otherwise parents would not tolerate the sleeplessnights, the endless diapers, the throwing up on your newly dry-cleaned suit, the food that lands everywhere but in baby's mouth... Parenting is in fact trying to shape kids "into something a little more perfect." Otherwise, why would we bother reminding them to say please and thank you? teaching them to share and take turn? why should we be concerned about their schooling? Most of what passes for civilized behavior is not innate; it does not come from within. </p>

<p>Finally, this is the Parents' Forum. If we parents can't speak our mind, whether seriously or humorously for fear of disgusting some teenager who might stumble on this site, where on earth can we do so?</p>

<p>End of rant.</p>

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<p>i would have aborted them</p>

<p>end of rant.</p>

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<p>fendergirl...I don't truly think we are talking about wanting to change who are kids are. I feel confident that the parents on here LOVE their kids to death and accept them for who they are. That does not mean we don't recognize any weaknesses or areas that either could use improvement or growth or that we never have moments where we are pulling our hair out of our heads when parenting our kids. </p>

<p>If I was asked what are three things I love about my kid, I would have trouble keeping it to three things. When asked what I would change, I took it as what things I wish she might do that she does not do. I may wish these things went differently but it does not mean I do not love her for who she is. Like Calmom says, we all know how uttterly lucky we are if we are just talking retainers and picking up your clothes and not things like drug addicts and running away and teenage pregnancy and even then we would still love our kids to death. </p>

<p>But parenting is a difficult job and we can kvetch about things our kids do that are bothersome and wouldn't it be nice if he/she did not do that but that does not mean we don't love them for who they are. </p>

<p>If you had read my list, one thing I had down was that I wish she was more cooperative. I say that as it can get difficult sometimes. My daughter challenges everything. I tell people ALL the time that I am grateful that she is so assertive and has a mind of her own and thinks for herself but and that those traits will serve her well as a young woman in this world, but in the parent/child relationship, it certainly can get trying at times. I accept who she is, do not wish to change her but I wouldn't mind if those behaviors were addressed a bit. I don't think I am unusual in feeling this way. When you are a parent, you will as well. I really do not think we want to change our kids' personalities and I think the parents on here tend to be very supportive parents. </p>

<p>I would describe myself as a supportive mom but by the same token I am allowed to get aggravated from time to time with behaviors that try my patience!</p>

<p>Susan</p>