<p>Just got off the phone with my son, a junior. He's not happy at his school...sports not going great (his main motivation in life). Academics way harder than he's used to. No cute girls. "Mom, I just don't know if I can make it another year. I'm a happy person and I'm just not happy here." </p>
<p>I want him to stay another year. Transferring to another prep school next year seems super difficult at this point. Deadlines approaching, FAid needed, and starting over in a whole new place...Going to play hockey juniors somewhere else sounds very iffy for his education and he would probably be sitting on the bench. He doesn't want to move back home because the sports options aren't great here. </p>
<p>So my strategy is just to encourage him to make the best of it. Next year will be better. He'll be more used to the academics and he'll be playing more as a senior than he is now. Anything I'm missing? I thought by now he'd be happier and more used to it....I think I'm saying the right things and listening so he can vent but it's very hard to have a usually happy kid saying he's unhappy.</p>
<p>That is so hard Calhockeymom – we all want our kids to be happy. But I think junior year is hardest for all college bound students, whether in BS or in public school. Courseloads are at capacity, numerous standardized testing is taking place, kids start focusing on college. Plus it sounds like your son is a serious athlete and must devote a lot of time to his sport. I think most juniors are feeling stressed and not “loving” school at this point, and it sounds like he just started BS this year? So that is a big transition. But the year is half over, and senior year does have a different feel to it. I think it would be very difficult to start again senior year at another school, and he’s probably developed some nice contacts with teachers, etc. Have you spoken to his advisor and hockey coach? Of course, if he is seriously unhappy than that may be a different story. He’s really almost through the hardest part, so I would encourage sticking it out if possible. Is it possible for you to visit for a long weekend?</p>
<p>I agree with skibum4. Contact his advisor. It could be that he vents to you on phone calls home, but is doing well otherwise. He may be having trouble adjusting to being a smaller fish in a bigger pond.</p>
<p>I doubt there are no cute girls. Every boarding school campus I’ve visited has had cute girls. Maybe he has a crush on someone who’s not interested in him? Again, if he was a star at home, he may have received much more feminine attention. </p>
<p>Have you asked him what he wants to do? I think he’d be more committed to staying another year if it’s an option he decides is best for him, rather than something his mother told him to do.</p>
<p>Agree with the above. From what I hear, junior year is tough everywhere. Really tough. And yes, kids do vent to us and then go off and feel better. It’s wise not to dismiss this, but you’re also right that staying has real merit. Talk to the advisor, watch the long term progression, and trust yourself to know when and if to pull the plug. We’ve experienced a little of this and are happily on the other side. But that’s one story. Important to do what you can live with in the long run.</p>
<p>No fun hearing this but that’s what you must do, be his sounding board, let him vent. Don’t counter him with any of the deadlines. FA, transferring logistics as that will make him feel cornered. Listen to him and at some point he has to, as Chrurchill said “keep buggering on”. The coming Spring will wipe out the Winter doldrums and Senior year will be better. Just keep on doing what you’re doing with encouragement. I use to get calls once in awhile like this and 24 hours later its done a 180. Meantime he should probably get his eyes checked.</p>
<p>Also, all athletes go through “slumps”. If sports is as big a deal as you say it is for him, such a slump can cause a knock-on effect to other parts of his life. in no time, he will be out of that slump and on top of the world because he scored a goal (assuming hockey here!). Everyone… boarding school student or grown-up… has these moments. Just keep an eye on it, be there for him, and get the real scoop from a coach/advisor/houseparent. Maybe get some insight as to the real trigger…</p>
<p>From your other posts it seems he hasn’t been happy there at all. This would concern me: “I’m a happy person and I’m just not happy here.” It doesn’t seem like he’s just having a bad day or week but that he hasn’t been happy from the get go. </p>
<p>I’m not saying this is the answer but if there were other schools that were interested in him, I’d consider giving them a call. I’m sure it’s hard to settle in to a new school as a senior but kids do it, PG’s do it and if it’s a better fit it would be easier than being miserable for the next 1.5 years. It is high school after all.</p>
<p>I can imagine how stressful this is - we’ve had a few unhappy phone calls but they are incident specific and she goes on to be fine. I’d be concerned about his ongoing unhappiness there.</p>
<p>This is his first year, correct? He entered as a junior? If so then this is normal for many students. </p>
<p>First - junior year is tough academically even for existing students. They had a year or two to adjust. Your son is new and still in transition. Throw on top of that it’s crunch time for college. Grades, test scores, everything seems amplified with pressure.</p>
<p>Second - friendships formed before he got on campus - so it take a while to get up to speed. Several students I’ve stayed in touch with didn’t find their groove until Spring Break.</p>
<p>Third - it is possible he’s suffering from mild depression. This is a tough age for students in terms of maturation. The clue was his complaint “no cute girls”. And in a different thread you said he stays up late talking to West coast friends. The latter is worrisome because he may be using them as a crutch.</p>
<p>Fourth - add to that the impact of seasonal disorder. The sunlight, and climate change may be having an effect on his mood. Canada climate is much different from California climate. We notice depression with our oldest and were told to give her a full spectrum light which actually helped a lot.</p>
<p>Still - it could be that moving from California to Canada also made the transition much tougher. Culture shock combined with huge sports and academic workloads. He could certainly complete his senior year at a local school. But he’d have to line up recommendations before he returns home so they can be sent to colleges. If he is truly miserable, then really - being at boarding school for a single year won’t be seen by colleges as odd. No more odd than students who spend junior year abroad in other programs. But he’d have to “spin” that correctly - or it will just look like he couldn’t handle the pressure and he’ll appear to be a high risk for colleges.</p>
<p>I don’t know the student, and I certainly don’t know how the hockey life/recruitment issues will work… I just know from experience how hard it is to get those calls, listen to the tears. In my case - I always offered the option to come home. She finally confessed she was just venting. And there have been enough giggles over the last few years to make me more confident she was just in “transition” that first year.</p>
<p>So before you get to that stage of pulling out - talk to a counselor at the school and see if anyone is keeping tabs on him. But it happens - people build up boarding school as if its Hogwarts combined with Shangra-lai and for some that is true, for others, it’s just not the best fit. It happens. He wouldn’t be the first. But IMHO - he’s making that assessment way too soon and if that’s true, there’s no guarantee he’ll be any happier at college.</p>
<p>Calhockey,
I could have written this about my daughter (a sophomore). I keep hoping for the change to her liking it and wanting to stay but I’m afraid it is not to be. Tough to have to go through the admissions process all over again, not to mention having to ask for recommendations, etc and ‘showing her hand’ about leaving. But, my happy, friend-loving, joking daughter is no longer with us and I need to listen to what she is saying. The school is too hard for her. The girls there really are grinds, whereas my DD tends more towards Justin Beeber, Homecoming, Prom. She’s on sports and will miss them here but it’s not enough to keep her there. Feel free to PM me; we are definitely making the move to a better fit (sibling will stay there–good fit).</p>
<p>Thanks so much for all the thoughtful and thought provoking replies. I wrote a long response but was logged out and it was lost. Now I have to run off to a work event but I do want to express my appreciation and will return to reply more fully.</p>
<p>I would be concerned, too. For those of us living in New England, we are aware of the colleges/universities here with hockey rosters filled with skaters from Canada…Quebec in particular. I know of one family in Montreal who sent their son to a US boarding school for PG hockey because of the stiff competition in Quebec. If your son is having problems with playing time as a junior, I would not be betting on great success next year; it’s impossible to predict any of this, but you and your son need to go with your gut-instinct with a reality check.</p>
<p>If it were not for the hockey, I’d say stay the course…but it certainly sounds like ( from your previous posts) your son’s heart is set on hockey. If you can’t change that mind-set…well…</p>
<p>I think - if it’s not transition - it’s okay to admit the fit is “off.” A year can be an eternity at a school where the student is unhappy. But finding a spot at a competitive school for Senior year may be really tough. But still doable if the student is very good a hockey and the team needs to fill a spot.</p>
<p>Good luck with whatever you decide. I can’t imagine how tough this must be for your family. Hang in there!</p>
<p>I would contact the coaches at schools near your son’s school. My suggestions are: The Holderness School, Kimball Union Academy, Proctor Academy, Tilton School, Hebron Academy, Fryeburg Academy, New Hampton School…they have rolling admissions and are good, solid schools. The Salisbury School in CT is all-boys with great hockey and rolling admissions.</p>
<p>I would wonder if something just happened that he found discouraging…a particular test or relationship? Juniors just started their college advising meetings, which can be a reality check like no other. The nuts and bolts of recruited athletics are usually covered in detail, and he may have just been told that this is the last season he has in order to get on the recruit list. PRESSURE</p>
<p>Thanks again everyone. I appreciate all the comments. It’s making me realize I need to take him seriously and not keep waiting for him to turn the corner…The problem is that his solutions are not ones that I like! He wants to go play junior hockey, live with a local family, and finish high school wherever. He would also go to a hockey oriented school like Northwood or one of these athletic focused schools. I want him to get a good education!! And play hockey…because he wants that so much. He has a former coach who is filling his ears with dreams of playing for junior teams and living with his family in Fresno…or getting tryouts on high level junior teams. This guy is a nice guy but a guy who does not have a sense of the larger world and never went to college. I feel like this school is a place where my son can develop academic skills he didn’t get in his big public high school. He is having to work, for the first time in his academic career and ultimately that is going to serve him later in life. What can I say? I believe in education! So my son is not talking about switching schools but leaving boarding school all together, which is why I’m so concerned. </p>
<p>My next steps: email the advisor, talk to this coach and find out what exactly he’s advising my son to do, maybe visit the school to see for myself what’s up, talk to my son in 3 weeks when he’s home about the various options and those which we’re willing to consider, and those which we’re not. Take lots of deep breaths and try not to obsess!!!</p>
<p>Thanks for all your help. This board is a lifesaver.</p>
<p>oh and yes there was a precipitating event. He didn’t get to play in the home tournament because of an injury and then had to miss a game to make up work in his least favorite class so yes, there were some incidents that made it “his worst week ever” but he has also been consistently talking about leaving.</p>
<p>Not so easy to finish high school “wherever” for the sake of a sport. A public school will only accept a resident (as in parent or legal guardian lives there), and for a new student, they will check. Lying about residency landed a mother in our area with a felony conviction and a long probation.</p>
<p>So if he blows off high school for a junior team living with his ex-coach, his choice will be a GED diploma or a “distance” high school on-line, which are pricey. Some are very pricey. This will make going to any athletically oriented college extremely difficult. </p>
<p>Your other option may be to move, or rent an apartment and get a license and pay taxes in the town of “wherever” so he can play hockey and go to school there.</p>
<p>Wow, didn’t realize that about schools not taking kids who are not living with their parents. In any case I really don’t like that idea! I can’t imagine online courses being a way to get a good education! Really a road to nowhere in my opinion. The idea of moving is not feasible since we both have jobs that are not mobile and another child and actual adult lives. Bleah!</p>
<p>You said that Northwood was a sports only oriented school. It is just as good as Stanstead College, and maybe better in my humble opinion. My hockey team went on a tour of the school and it seemed nice.</p>