We let DD and DS choose the school, geography, etc. We told our children we would support their decision, and helped guide them through the process. Whether by luck or not, the schools they ultimately chose were the ones we would have selected too for each of them, but we never let on during the process which school we favored.
Which school to attend was ultimately my daughter’s choice. I wound up taking on the task of identifying schools for her to explore, because she found the whole thing overwhelming. So I sort of vetted schools online and showed them to her and then let her decide if she wanted to visit. Visiting ruled out a couple of schools, but for the most part, I guess I was pretty in tune with the types of schools she would like. Even so, my daughter seemed to have some anxiety about the process, and in fact, she wound up applying ED1 to a school that was most likely her second choice, probably because she believed that we as her parents had a strong preference for that school. We tried very hard not to influence her, but I think her dad’s reluctance to send her to a school 1200 miles away as opposed to a school that was 60 miles away was hard to hide! Funny how things work out, because the soon as that school rejected her and she got over the rejection, she jumped on the chance to apply ED2 to the 1200-mile-away school that was really her favorite all along.
Obviously I feel parents have the right to narrow down a list of schools according to budget. And not everyone is comfortable sending their children so far away. But hopefully these things are discussed before the applications are sent out, so that the child in the family are comfortable with all of the schools on the list and can ultimately let the child make the decision from among his or her acceptances.
Agreeing on parameters beforehand but later not letting the student choose among schools that fall within them can result in conflict. Example:
Summer between 11th and 12th grade, “money is not a factor in the decision”:
http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/college-search-selection/1789885-best-schools-for-math-comp-sci-with-undergrad-research.html
Spring of 12th grade, parent is unwilling to spend the money on the student’s first choice:
http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1866912-need-advice-on-college-choice-etc-p1.html
I’m curious as to whether any parents would require their child to rescind the child’s commitment to enroll at a college or university if there were a significant change in financial circumstances after the student committed. In our case, D1’s father (now my ex) was fired approximately 10 days after she committed (in 2009). I felt very strongly that she should still get to attend the particular school and she did and it was a great experience. But our finances were very tight for a few years (my ex did not get full-time employment until after D1 graduated from college, and even that was at a much lower salary than he had in job from which he was fired). Would a college allow withdrawal of acceptance for this reason? If it would, what would you (the parent) do in this situation? would you ask your child to look for a lower-cost school?
This is a great way to do it IMO. You’ve set the limits and your child gets to pick within those limits.
@ucbalumnus I remember those threads. So sad.
@twogirls I nixed CA also - she had along list of schools much closer, I couldn’t see trying to get to CA to visit any more. I was also uncomfortable with not being able to drive to her in a pinch.
Other than that, we had financial parameters but the choice within those was hers. She chose a school that she usually flies to and from but that I can drive to, in about 12 hours, if i need to.
In terms of where to apply-- this was also largely a kid choice. D1 engaged in a a high-wire act of applying to 1 school–based on colllege visits she knew that she wanted to attend and was reasonably certain she would get in.
With D2-- we suggested that she pick 2 schools to visit between D1’s school and our home and we’d stop and visit on our way home from dropping D1. The 2nd school she visited on that trip was the school she decided to attend.
Heheh. Almost forty years ago, that was me, transferring much farther away to a bigger, somewhat more expensive school (I took at big loans to cover the difference and then won scholarships), which my Mom thought was just some big Midwestern Ag school (Michigan!), cuz my BF went there. Been married to him 35 years, and she adores him, so in the end, thanks, Mom!
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I would put “100 parent’s choice”. My daughter (my genes!) would put “100% student’s choice”. 
She is a strong girl and I am strong mom Dad is in charge of negotiating the final agreement
We took the position that a big part of the last 18 years has been raising our kids on how to make good decisions, and understanding the consequences.
Of course, it is a lot easier to say this when your pups get accepted into, and decide on, 100% full-needs met schools without loans, and they’ve had plenty of need.
We are in MA, and D chose Stanford. I would have been delighted if she were closer to home, but knowing she is where she belongs it comforting.
We had the $$ talk, then helped her with a list of schools that met her requirements and ours. She hasn’t finalized yet, and she is getting lots of input from family and friends. Her top two contenders are very high on my list so its really her choice. She knows the trade-offs (one’s private and quite small the other is a very large public) and she knows what it means as far as debt when she graduates. She needs to decide so she owns it. I wouldn’t say 100%, but I would say 80% her choice.
I’m not even sure what 100% choice really means. We’re full pay, so imposed no financial constraints, but there were schools we strongly discouraged, like Liberty (my kids were at a Christian high school, and nearly every year, some kid went to Liberty). If one of our kids had strongly wanted to go there, or another school like it, I’m not sure we would have agreed. We are footing the bill, after all, and have the wisdom and experience to judge whether a school is a good financial risk.
In cases where a student needs loans, I think it’s even more important for parents to exert their influence during the application process. After the acceptances are in, then the student can have his or her own choice, but if the parents vetted the schools early on, it’s still not 100% the student’s choice.
And when our son was weighing a merit school vs a non-merit school, we did suggest that the merit school was a better value. He chose that school, but we wouldn’t have pushed back if he’d picked the full pay school.
Exactly, @thumper1. I don’t know any parents who don’t vet the schools when the kids are applying. What do they know when they’re 17?
In our case, 100% choice meant he was allowed to choose between the three schools he was interested in that would cost me 0 out of pocket after merit aid and 529 funds. There was discussion about adding schools if he was comfortable taking on student loans but he was not.
But more specifically, the 100% choice referred to in the original post was as to who would make the decision regarding a specific scholarship if it were to be offered. Because he had other workable options, should he for any reason have decided he had not wanted to be in the program, I would have supported him. Because it is a demanding program, I truly did not feel it was my place to put any pressure for or against the program. It was absolutely in every way his decision. The hardest part, really, is going to be waiting to find out if he is invited into the program.
I can see, however, that full pay parents might have a much more daunting task in setting early limitations. I can see myself having felt differently about the process had Liberty been on my child’s list.
Aside from some geographic suggestions, I did not vet my daughters’ lists.
Final decision will be my D’s. But we’ve been discussing each opportunity along the way.
@KMich - the advice from family and friends thing was a real issue with us. Grandfather was not a fan of D’s choice of major- and pushed against (and D’s 1st choice school- NYU- which he disliked due to urban location) for a VERY long time. My mom had to step on him a bit to get him to pipe down. 3 years later and he loves the school and the program btw
My kid is only in 8th grade. but we have already had the $$$$ talk while in 6th grade. That is when we starting “afterschooling” an academic foundation for NMF and other Auto Merit. D knows if she does not get the NMF or really high ACT/SAT then living at home and going to Texas Tech (11 miles from home) is what is her future.
Imho, preparing them for 18 years to handle application process and admission decision on their own is the most important part of college readiness. If a student isn’t mature enough to do his own research and compare notes with parents before reaching to a conclusion on his own, then it’s a cause of concern. Micromanaging whole process for them, makes it difficult for them to function on their own once away from control center.