After reading in another thread where long time members’ children were struggling to find jobs out of college. I sure don’t want D to take out loans when this could be a real possibility.
It was 100 percent their decision. We had fully funded 529 plans so finances were not an issue.
I’m surprised at the number of parents with an unlimited budget or no financial constraints. Some colleges have a list price of over $70,000 per year. CC is apparently a very affluent community compared to the general population.
Massmomm - You appear to have some real biases about religious schools. For your child, that is fine. But to make blanket statements that assume that everyone else should agree is a bit much. BYU has high standards for behavior - no drinking, no drugs, no sex outside marriage, no cheating… and it provides a quality education for $5400 a year in tuition. i think many parents would be happy to see it on their child’s list:
Brigham Young University–Provo
Provo, UT
15 in Best Value Schools
68 in National Universities (tie)
USNWR
I understand how many of you feel that you have raised your child to make responsible decisions and want to give them the opportunity to practice those skills. However, is there any other situation in their/our lives when they literally have the opportunity to spend tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars of someone else’s money WITHOUT consulting that person? What kind of entitled message is being sent by giving them carte blanche? Even if you could afford to pay every cent for your child, they should acknowledge and include you in the decision. You should be teaching them about the economic concepts of utility, opportunity cost and wants vs. needs. For example, passing up that merit scholarship at a slightly lower ranked school has consequences. (Yes, we could afford to spend an additional $80,000 over four years, but a responsible decision-maker will realize that all but the very wealthiest parents will have better uses for that money during retirement.) Your 18 year old likely has no experience with any of these consequential concerns, nor a full understanding of your financial position, impact on siblings, etc. Whether you make those choices before the applications or after, it needs to happen.
I agree that dictating choices is probably not ideal, but do I expect to be consulted, listened to and finally, convinced of the wisdom of my child’s choice? Absolutely…
My daughters managed to learn quite a bit about responsible decision-making before they turned 18. Often the parents are less responsible. (My ex, for example, suggested that our daughters just not pay back their student loans.)
I wouldn’t say my snowflake’s negative attitude about ASU is indicative of the greater population’s attitude in our region.
Plenty of happy Chicago area students at ASU!
I think there are situations that can come up after parameters are set and apps are in that might influence some parents to take affordable schools out of the running. We’ve had questions on CC about some of them.
- A previously undecided student decides on a major that leads to a low paying career. Should the parents lay out ~$20k/year more for school x even though school y's program is just as good or send the student to school y and save the money to gift to the student after graduation?
- A couple of schools unexpectedly offer 5-figure/year grants making their net costs considerably lower than other options. Do parents still allow the child to choose from the full list or do they drop the most expensive schools and save the difference (for retirement or to gift to their child for grad school or the downpayment on their house)?
- A student gets scholarship offers, but one requires a 3.5 GPA to renew while another requires a 3.0. Students who get easy A's in high school may not realize how difficult it can be to maintain a 3.5 in a weed out major. Do parents allow the student to choose the school with the high GPA requirement even though s/he may lose the scholarship or limit choices to those with guaranteed aid and/or more reasonable renewal policies?
- The student has health issues and parents are concerned about distance because the child has become lax about taking their meds senior year. Do they keep the schools that are a plane ride away on the table because the student promises to do better or limit the distance they can travel?
- The student has learning disorders and parents are concerned about the level of support services. After accepted student visits they have a clearer picture of the assistance that will be available. Do they let their child attend the school they love most even though other choices provide better support or limit choices to those that provide the best services?
People who can allow their kids to pick whatever school they want from a list developed with preset parameters are probably not in the majority. I think joint decisions are probably more common, but there are lots of reasons why parents might veto affordable schools.
Absolutely! I played a big role in the application process but when it came down to final decisions I made sure S15 and S16 owned their choices. There was no way I was taking that responsibility!
@mdmomma - RE #84 - if you knew my pups, and had an inkling of our financial situation (single income family, my medical condition preventing me from employment and restricting our ability to save for college), you’d understand that they did not chase merit money. but they took advantage of applying to elite schools that have purely need-based financial aid, with 100% needs met. Yes, they spent hundreds of thousands of someone else’s money, but it was not ours, it was offered to them as financial aid from the schools.
The reality of our financial situation was obvious to our pups well before we even realized hey were even gathering the information about financing college. It was also obvious to DH and me that our pups are a heck of a lot smarter than we are. DS was bright enough and mature enough, that he would have easily been able to solve this problem when he was fifteen. And he is a kind enough person to understand that his decision would impact his parents and siblings, and he made his choices of potential schools accordingly. I honestly believe sometimes that DS understands our family financial situation better than my DH. It was DS, in the summer before his sophomore year of high school, who suggested to DH and me that we’d be better off refinancing our mortgage within the next year, before he started applying for college. He told us he’d figured out how we’d save $X thousand over the remaining term by lowering the rate, and he knew we wanted to remodel the kitchen. This was of course terrific advice - for our situation. This was no surprise to us - it was the same pup who at age twelve wanted to help plan our family vacation - choosing airfare and hotels for what we wanted to do. I handle most of our family finances, because DH works, and part of my personality makes me feel reassured if I have some sense of control. When S was 11, my medical situation flared up worse than normal, and I got a couple months behind in some of the paperwork and filing. S was happy to be able to step in - for him, it was simply something else to learn about, and a way to help.
The message of “entitlement” being sent to them was that because chose to work their tails off, got perfect test scores and were the very top of their class, in addition to being genuinely compassionate, community-minded citizens, they deserved the reward of having choices among the very top schools in the country. The message is that they have earned our trust that they can and will make the right decision.
By the time a child is applying for college, the parent should know whether or not they are capable of making the decision, and how much help, if any, they might need.
@Midwest67, our D was also a middle-class student at a largely affluent high school. She was surprised to see that some classmates’ families would only pay for an in-state school but then give their kid a new & expensive car for HS graduation. When she got to her college, she was again among many students from wealthy families. She discovered there that some of those classmates were majoring in fields in which they weren’t particularly interested because their families expected them to make the investment pay off. Her observations led to interesting discussions about the sometimes subjective nature of what one values and how one determines what something is worth as well as a student’s autonomy to choose a school or a major.
DD is our first and will be starting in the fall. At first she didn’t seem too interested in the college application process, so I asked her to name 5 states that she wouldn’t mind going to college in. She could only name 3; WA, OR and MA. I got her to expand MA to New England and off we went in search of a list. Of the final list of 12 schools, only 4 were of her choosing and the rest were added by me. Thank God for common app!
I added numerous public schools to be sure we could afford it and to see where the scholarship money was going to flow from. We had the 12 applications completed, and then just before XMas, she asked if she could apply to a school ED and in the moment I said it was her decision. She was 18 by this time and I was really trying to impart on her that she’s an adult and can/needs to make these decisions on her own. I told her I would look at the NPC and if we could possibly afford it, then I was fine with it. Fortunately for her, the school meets 100% of need and she got accepted.
In the end, we’re very proud of her and happy that it was her decision. Now the hard part will be watching her head off to college 3000 miles from home. 
Ultimately, it will be D’s decision. She applied to an ivy SCEA and was accepted. She also applied RD to a number of top-20 schools that give generous merit aid (primarily focusing on schools that offer full tuition or full ride scholarships). She has been awarded several full-tuition scholarships that did not require interviews and has been (or will be) visiting those schools, as well as attending several scholarship programs for which she is a finalist.
Her list was crafted with care and she is carefully considering all aspects of fit – social, academic, financial. After considering all of her options, she will make an informed decision and we will support it.
My kid applied to a school I never imagined her going to. She got in, showed me a solid plan, and off she went. The girl is a force of nature. Trying to stand in her way wouldn’t have ended well.
My older daughter attended and graduated from a college I’d never heard of before it appeared on her list.
We were fortunate that both our son and daughter received decent packages from the colleges that they ended up going to. We told them what we could afford, and sat down with our son to discuss his acceptances. He had been accepted to his first choice, but they didn’t give much aid. I asked him how long he would like to pay any loans that he took out. We did actual loan calculations, and we explained to him that his monthly payment from loans that he would need to take out in order to go to his top choice would be as much as a mortgage payment, plus a new car payment, every month for 10 years. He would most likely need to live at home during that time, as he would have little extra money besides those loans. He did not want to do that - who would? His other top choices both gave him a decent package, and after crunching those much lower loan numbers, he made his choice.
After seeing all this, our daughter was determined to not have a “first choice” - she didn’t want to get her heart set on a college to find out that she couldn’t afford it. She was also looking at art colleges, which historically don’t give much financial aid. I did help to gather a list of art schools that had good reputations and tended to give more aid. She chose the ones to apply to. She was pleasantly surprised to have choices between schools, ones that she felt as if she (really we) could afford. She will have some debt, but it will be manageable.
I strongly feel that we can guide them in helping them to understand the ramifications of various choices, but they will take ownership of their learning and future if it is their own choice. My son did, worked incredibly hard in college, has a job in the field he wanted, and is so very happy. He has a great future lined up. My daughter is also striving, and I have every belief that she will excel in her chosen field.
This topic kind of feels like it could be the basis of a letter to Dear Abby. Here’s how it happened in my case with our son. Let’s start at the beginning. When I went to college my parents were not happy about my choice, but they had said in advance that it was my decision and ultimately they went along with it. So while I completely understand the very thoughtful ideas presented here when finances were constrained, I always started from my own experience as the basis for thinking about this issue – the parents should certainly have their say, but recognize their limitations in understanding what their kids need. Fast forward 30+ years…
My mom, who never attended college herself, believed strongly that her grandchildren should be free of college debt and told her kids she would pay for the grandchildrens’ tuition at any school if the parents took care of everything else (room and board and any other expenses). With eight grandchildren this was a non-trivial level of generosity.
In my son’s case, he was accepted a school where a close friend of my mom’s worked in the development department. My mom loved many things about this school, particularly its music program. Still she remained silent and insisted it was his choice. (My mother-in-law, who was not offering to contribute anything toward the bill, was far more opinionated.)
Ultimately my son chose not to attend the school where his grandmother’s friend worked. He explained his reasons to his grandmother and she was very happy for him. She did not live to see him graduate (this May) but I know she was bragging about her grandson every chance she got.
It’s not a binary, sudden decision like what to order at a restaurant. (Well, if it is, you are doing it wrong.)
It’s a monumental decision with large financial considerations for nearly all families. If the process is done together, as early as possible, the question is moot, because consensus will develop and what is affordable is known in advance, and everyone will know what is right when it is time to choose.
I was given absolutely no choice in where I went to college. It was the local U where just about everybody else in my hometown went, or nothing. I was determined to let my sons make their own choice. S1 was sold on my alma mater early on but I made him look at two other schools for the sake of making an informed choice. He lived on campus, due to us living just outside the commuter limit, thrived and has done well for himself. S2 played lacrosse and could have gotten some scholarship money at a faith-based LAC that was interested in him but he insisted on going to my alma mater. I let him do so because I didn’t want to be like my dad. He flunked right out and is now attending CC part time. Part of me wishes I’d insisted on the LAC where he would have had more attention and structure. But OTOH, by letting him make the choice I feel like I let myself off the hook. He made his bed and now he is lying in it.