Inactive Parents

Parents Forum
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<p>ag54 what you say is true, different families work in different ways. What worked for me maybe wont work for some other family. </p>

<p>and Marite, I'll stop posting in the Parents forum if that's what you were implying, but explain to me what my post had to do with financing an education?
Perhaps i gave the wrong impression, I love my parents and they have always supported me. And I am one of the luckiest people alive to have them. I don't think I indicated anywhere that I was not appreciative of them. The only reason I mentioned the Fafsa was to illustrate that I mostly kept the college process my own. I got their tax returns and completed all the applications. My parents were ok with this, because I did my research and was an excellent student in high school. College was what they had always planned for me, and it was what I had always planned for myself. </p>

<p>Not every parent is involved, and just because they aren't, doesn't mean that their children respect them any less. Fortunately need-based aid came through for me so the burden is not so great (I don't think I would ever go to a school if it cost 200k over the course of the 4 years, with or without the support of my parents). But what my parents do contribute I am highly appreciative of. I am also contributing an equal amount (if not more) through summer earnings, loans, and work study. I got into an excellent school, and while I don't have a very close relationship with my parents and I'd rather they not be too involved, they are very proud of me and my achievements, thus they support me. I never said that I "expected" anything of them. Where I was to attend was highly dependent on my parents and what they were willing to pay. I didn't play the "dream school" card on them.</p>

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I think parents should be inactive. I look at these forums and I see parents that worry way too ****ing much and they are too involved.

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<p>Well, neobez, your idea of inactive must differ from mine. Inactive means not giving support either financially or emotionally. Your parents don't seem to be inactive from what you say. I've heard from plenty of students whose parents not only are inactive but sometimes downright sabotage their kids' chances of going to college--any college. I won't name names but long-time posters probably have a few in mind.
Most parents on the Parents' forum are trying to navigate between helicoptering and being so disengaged from their children's lives as to undermine their chances of success.
I don't mind helping other people's kids with their essays or advice about other parts of the application process. I do mind 17-year-olds coming to the Parents Forum telling us how to be better parents. Such advice is better directed at the posters' own parents, if necessary.</p>

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<p>Under the nervously asking for chances thread did you not write :</p>

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I know, but I qualify for a full-tuition scholarship there, and my parents refuse to pay for my college, same with UMass.

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<p>Previously within this same thread, unless some one else is writing as you the following post was made;</p>

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My parents are the same way, except that they'll only foot the bill until I get accepted, then I have to finance it myself, I even have to go to my grandparents if I need someone to cosign on a loan. </p>

<p>I also know that my parents could never afford to pay for my college, and would much rather they save their money so that my sister can go to whatever school she wants in three years. Even if my parents offered to pay, I don't think I could ever accept that kind of money from them.</p>

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<p>Contrary, to what you think, most of the parents here on CC definitely know more about the college process than their kids especially since many of them have already gone through college, grad school and professional schools. As far as my own D, I did help her gather information, gave her a time line paid for visits , told her in advance te maximum amount I was willing to pay/ borrow and let her chose to attend a college which was not my first choice, but I have found that it works for her. </p>

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The other thing is how do you consider the college selection process "grown folk's business" as far as I am concerned this is more of a 17 year old's business.

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<p>Since she is attending her first choice which the least expensive option she had and knew that she wanted to go on to professional school, I told her I would help her as much as graduate with as little debt as we could manage. She could not take make this decision in a vaccum especially given the current cost of attendance for 2006-2007 is $48,040. So while she is off living her life, bonding with her people in Hanover and preparing for her study abroad this fall, the strangest thing keeps happening; the bill is shows up at my house in NYC. And since my kid is far from being a trust fund baby, the only place where her name is on the check is in the notation section when I write D's tuition. Other than that I am the one signing the checks and the person for whom they request financial information from.</p>

<p>In my book, grown folks can pay their own way and not be dependent on their parents income and assets to pay for their education. The disconnect is that even with your job(s), your internship, etc, the federal government does not consider you an adult and far as financing your college education until you are either 24 years old, completed a bachelors, have gotten married, had children or joined the military. So no matter own "grown" a 17 year old thinks they are, they can't get a nickle outside of merit money, with out their parents. And the last time I checked, they don't let you take classes if you don't pay.</p>

<p>So now as a rising junior, next year she will spend 2 terms being out of school (one doing a study abroad, the other on an internship). She's be back for one term which she will take the LSATs hopefully get a summer job and then start the application process for law school. Because she has had a very full schedule, she has given me a list of potential schools to research for her. So once again I am searching websites, familiarizing my self with LSATs LSDAS and other jargon.</p>

<p>Just when I think I am finally off the hook, what do I read? At most of the law schools she is considering, she will not be considered financially independent until she is 1) between 27 and 30 years old, 2) has not been financially dependent on me for anywhere between 5 to 7 years before starting law school. So here we go again, she wants to pick the school and the school expects the parents to contributors again to the financing our our kid's education.</p>

<p>at this rate, its gonna be a long time until they are grown.</p>

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Since she is attending her first choice which the least expensive option she had and knew that she wanted to go on to professional school, I told her I would help her as much as graduate with as little debt as we could manage.

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<p>Meant to say that she is attending a school that was **not the least expensive **option she had</p>

<p>has not been financially dependent on me at anytime within the 5 to 7 years prior to starting law school. In addition, at some schools you are not allowed to give your child more than $5000 in any of those years before going to law school.</p>

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<p>"In my book, grown folks can pay their own way and not be dependent on their parents income and assets to pay for their education. The disconnect is that even with your job(s), your internship, etc, the federal government does not consider you an adult and far as financing your college education until you are either 24 years old, completed a bachelors, have gotten married, had children or joined the military. So no matter own "grown" a 17 year old thinks they are, they can't get a nickle outside of merit money, with out their parents. And the last time I checked, they don't let you take classes if you don't pay."</p>

<p>I will not be at all dependent on my parent's assets/income to finance my education, as far as my colleges go, I am financing it solely through merit scholarships as I have already explained.</p>

<p>I don't understand what the point was in quoting me there, yes I did say both those things, because they are both true. My parents informed me that they will not be helping to finance my education, and even if they had offered I would never have accepted it.</p>

<p>"Contrary, to what you think, most of the parents here on CC definitely know more about the college process than their kids especially since many of them have already gone through college, grad school and professional schools. "</p>

<p>How is this contrary to what I think, I already said that the parents are the only reason I even come to college confidential. Never, anywhere did I criticize you or anyone on this forum for how you have raised your children. Judging from what I have heard you have all done a wonderful job raising your children, I just said that as far as information-gathering cc is more helpful to the student than the parent, and it is thanks to the wonderful parents on cc that itis that way.</p>

<p>Just because my life is different than yours, please don't automatically assume that I am criticizing your life, all I said was that my life works just fine for me.</p>

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My parents informed me that they will not be helping to finance my education, and even if they had offered I would never have accepted it.

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<p>Jane:</p>

<p>You are in the fortunate position to qualify for merit scholarships, so that you can choose whether or not to accept your parent's financial help (if they are in a position to provide it, of course).<br>
Many students do not have merit aid available to them. And it is up to the colleges to decide how much to require of parents financially. If parents refuse to pay, then the student cannot attend. It is not up to the parents who make, say $200k, to decide to fund only $20k of their child's $45k tuition bill; nor is it for the child to decide to accept only $20k unless said child has another source of funds (I doubt that banks would agree to lend out the difference over 4 years to an 18 year old).</p>

<p>So the choice of college is not entirely up to the student. Some 18 year olds may be able to think of the ramifications of their parents' decision to fund only a small portion of their child's education; others are not as savvy about the differences between community college, need-blind, merit aid, in-state, OOS tuition, rolling admissions, sources of scholarship, etc... Of course, neither are many parents. And some schools have truly bad or almost inexistent guidance counseling. </p>

<p>Anyway, the degree of parental involvement in the search process must vary according to different circumstances. Does the student want to visit colleges? s/he better check that parents are available to drive or pay for airfare. Does the student want to apply to 15 colleges? If s/he does not have enough money for all the fees, better check that parents are willing to fork over the money. </p>

<p>One's parents can also be great sounding boards in thinking about issues of fit. Since we were going to be paying full fare, we did not have to concern ourselves with the relative costliness of different schools. But we could discuss together how often our kids wished to come home, how easy it would be to travel from college x, what kind of attributes S1 looked for in a college, and what S2 liked about other colleges. </p>

<p>Other parents need to have candid discussions with their kids about finances, scholarship searches, etc... There are many ways parents can and must be involved without being helicopter parents. And sometimes, parents' lack of interest in supporting their children's college education can really be detrimental. There have been a number of student posters who wrote that their non-custodial parents refused to provide financial information, for example, that the college absolutely required.</p>