Inactive Parents

Parents Forum
41

<p>
[quote]
Mr. Pink - "actually this view is much more predominat on the student forums than here than on the parents' forum. the parents forum is usually where people are reminded to be realistic and look for safeties and where lesser known schools are often recommended."

[/quote]
</p>

<p>this quote is from my post, not mr. pink's, so i will respond. first of all, if you don't like these types of suggestions, the simple answer is not to come to the parents' forum where they are often made. second, it must be really nice to be in a position to think that 200k isn't that big a deal. i know you don't want to hear this, but many, if not most, parents really do know a little more about the value of money than you are giving them credit for -- especially when it is their money at stake, and they have every right to be concerned about it. even if a student can get into harvard (which is an enormous stretch for ANY student), it doesn't mean they have a right to expect their parents to foot that bill.</p>

<p>as for ambition - yes, ambition is great -- but all too often, we see students who mistake ambition to do well in life with an ivy league diploma. there are a lot of great colleges out there that will enable a student to reach whatever personal and professional heights they want -- but its harder to really think about what is best for an individual student than to just jump on the ivy band wagon.</p>

42

<p>
[quote]
UC Irvine has an aura of failure around it (at least among Chinese parents)

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Chinese parents might want to know that the Chinese history profs at Irvine are world-class experts. Google Kenneth Pomerantz.</p>

43

<p>
[QUOTE]
Realistic is not good for young people. We need more ambition in this world nowadays. I personally feel that often times parents will suggest "safeties" or lesser known schools in hope for a lower cost. My parents are more than willing to pay if I am capable of entering a high caliber university, but on occasion they have hinted at the possibility of a low school like UC Irvine if it offers a "scholarship". I think ultimately the 100k-200k cost will pay off. UC Irvine has an aura of failure around it (at least among Chinese parents). Better to be able to keep your head up and say "I come from Harvard" than gripe about 200k.

[/QUOTE]
</p>

<p>Since what you quoted wasn't actually me, I'll go ahead and agree with you - with a caveat. I don't think that UC Irvine has a aura of failure around it, but there are too many people who get discouraged
from applying to top schools because faceless posters on collegeconfidential tell them "ur ECs are 2 week for an ivie".</p>

<p>@kathiep: Goodness, I didn't realize that adults had to resort to condescension when talking to someone as inexperienced in the world of parenting as myself. It seems to me that almost every parent has simply said "No, Pink, you're wrong because of <em>insert personal anecdote here</em>(my kids don't like me/I like the psychological therapy that CC offers/etc)"</p>

44

<p>
[quote]
but there are too many people who get discouraged
from applying to top schools because faceless posters on collegeconfidential tell them "ur ECs are 2 week for an ivie".

[/quote]
</p>

<p>
[quote]
Instead, it is a board dedicated to the perpetuation of the myth that The Big Name is Better.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>both of these quotes are from Mr. Pink. Complaints that this board is too busy pushing big name is better. Complaints that this board is too busy discouraging students from the ivies. Many parents here seem to encourage realism - you don't seem to like that either.</p>

45

<p>
[quote]
from applying to top schools because faceless posters on collegeconfidential tell them "ur ECs are 2 week for an ivie".

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I doubt any parent writes the way you instanced. Your gripe is about "faceless posters" who are students. Parents can't do anything about students' ignorance, except by trying to post from their wider knowledge base, nor
about the fact that posting on an internet forum is done by "faceless posters."</p>

<p>But then, what to make of you original post?</p>

<p>
[quote]
This might be the worst possible place to post this comment, but it is my firm belief that every parent spending an hour on college confidential needs to spend that hour with their kid instead

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Maybe you should redirect your energies toward the students' boards.</p>

46

<p>I have been posting for a couple of years, starting when my oldest was going through the college search thing, now have a senior going through it again. I have gotten such wonderful information from CC and it has been invaluable. I have also been involved in some fun and spirited discussions about any number of topics. If anyone looks back at my posting pattern, it is always between 8 and 5 pm, M through F. I use CC as a way to make the day go by faster; my job is BORING! Both my husband and I work full time jobs, so we have to be involved in the college search because it would be really difficult for us to send 3 kids to schools that cost $200,000 for 4 years, we have to look at all the options. I have gotten extremely useful scholarship info, info on how to make an app stand out that might lead to scholarships, etc. When I get home, I share this information with my kids, if and when they want to listen. </p>

<p>Frankly, I would love to be spending this hour with my kid (although he is bowling with his friends right now, so I would probably be humiliating to him if I were there), but I have to earn a living, so I will stay tuned into CC.</p>

47

<p>
[quote]
This might be the worst possible place to post this comment, but it is my firm belief that every parent spending an hour on college confidential needs to spend that hour with their kid instead

[/quote]
</p>

<p>have you thought about the possiblity that every student spending an hour on CC needs to spend that hour with their parents instead so they can at minimum can get some information straight from the source-especially when it comes down to funding the college education/</p>

<p>You know what they say about what is good for the goose....</p>

48

<p>The problem with that is that the students should be gathering information for their college search, at the end of the day, they are the ones who will know what is better for them as far as colleges go.</p>

49

<p>imho, parents should not be making college decisions for their children (though of course finances may dictate limitations on the student's choices). it is a major decision on the way to adult hood that the child needs to take ownership of.</p>

<p>BUT, that decision necessarily effects the parents, especially if they are paying, transporting, emotionally supporting their child through the process of applying and attending college. And whether teens like it or not, parents like to keep themselves informed of things that affect their children's lives - and there IS a difference between keeping informed and trying to control - I'm sorry if some of you have parents who make that distinction hard to comprehend, but it exists. Many parents have the type of relationship with their kids where they can offer advise and guidance in what is a monumental decision - again, if you can't understand that, the problem isn't the parents here. In many cases, an 18 year old really does need help determining "what is better for them as far as colleges go." And often times, gc's and fellow students just aren't filling that need - don't blame parents who are trying to help do so. There are people who pay others for this type of advise -- why not get such help from someone who has known you (the student) your entire life? Many parents aren't as clueless as teens sometimes like to believe.</p>

<p>The parents here are the ones who care. So no students should really be surprised when parents here take some offense at being told that we shouldn't be here - work out whatever issues you have with your own parents with them (and in fact many students have come here seeking help in doing so), not with us.</p>

50

<p>JaneGalt, (I wonder if that is in reference to John Galt/ Atlas Shrugged/ one of my all time favorite books) Sorry, back to the discussion...</p>

<p>The information I gather is strictly for informational purposes, which I then pass on to my kid. He can either use what I say or not, it is his choice. It is also his choice as to where he eventually wants to apply. The only caveat my husband and I put on it is that we have to be able to pay for it. My son is definitely not one who is caught up with name brand colleges, so he isn't going to be applying to any ivies or ridiculously hard schools to get into (except for one dream school), which may set us apart from many on CC. That being said, he often listens to me and uses the information that I have gleened from CC to guide him, and appreciates that I am interested enough (or bored enough) to read and sift through the info. He doesn't go onto CC ever, nor does he go on any other college guide type websites. He is living his hs life, doing the EC's he wants to do because he loves them, not because they look good on a resume, studying (hard enough to be valedictorian), and hanging out with his friends. I would in no way say that we are making decisions for him. We are guiding him and helping him because we love him and want him to make the best, most informed decision that he, as an 18 year old who doesn't really know the financial situation, can make. He is a great kid, as are many of the kids on this board. The reason he is a great kid is because we have spent countless hours/years being there for him, loving him. I do not personally know the parents on this board, but after a couple of years of reading and posting, I have the general idea that it is full of loving, caring parents. Maybe some go overboard, and maybe some are misguided, but it is with the best intentions. And, it is impossible for anyone to judge their relationships with their kids or their parenting abilities by what is posted on the internet!</p>

51

<p>One more thing, I once posted a chances thread thing for his dream school. Many people responded. That evening when I got home, I got my son to look at the thread and responses. He was really shocked that people that he didn't even know would take the time to respond and post their opinions (luckily no troll types wrote any ugly things) and he was pleased that I had asked the question. It made him think that maybe he had a chance at the dream school in question. This forum can be used for many good things, it can be encouraging, or on the other hand, it can be a reality check. What it shouldn't be is a place to bash one another or send bad feelings over the internet.</p>

52

<p>ok this isn't about the board but I just read an advertisment for a carnival/festival/ fair, that will be held in a local neighborhood this weekend ( I beleive Al Sharpton is going to emcee) and it struck me oddly.
THey will have rides etc- and in advertising the rides- in the full page ad in the paper it said " Carnival rides to keep your kids occupied while you enjoy the entertainment and food!"
the "keep your kids occupied" jsut seemed weird to me
I could see advertising "rides" or even " entertainment for all ages"!
but saying that the rides were going to occupy your kids ( no specifying age), made me picture a ton of 10 year olds being dropped off and the ride attendants expected to keep an eye on them.
I have worked in venues where kids were told to hang out for a while, while mom does something else and so perhaps I am just sensitve to adults having to keep track of somebody elses kids when that wasn't part of the job?</p>

53

<p>I was not saying that parents should not play a role in the college selection process, I was simply responding to sybbie's comment that it was kid's who should be spending more time with their parents instead of on cc. I think that it is great that you are helping your kid gather information.</p>

54

<p>well jane,</p>

<p>since you directed your comments in response to something that I wrote I will respond. At seems that you were late coming into the movie and missed an important part of the back story. It apparent that you did not realize that my post was in response to Mr. Pink's comment about parents spending time with their kids instead of posting on CC. </p>

<p>Let's see, a considerable number of your postings were on the chances thread- like really who can accurately predict your chances? Other than that, you posted about the schools your parents would only consider paying for and after that, a criticism of parents. So how much have you contributed to a conversation about the college selection process. It seems that you may have some of your own issues that need to be worked out. My parents are from the south so maybe there is a little truth to the statement that kids should stay out of grown folk's business. But hey, if you wanna run with the big dogs, don't complain if one of them bites you.</p>

55

<p>I think parents should be inactive. I look at these forums and I see parents that worry way too ****ing much and they are too involved. I think teenagers need breathing room. When I was in high school, I kept my parents in the dark. My grades were good and I was near the top of my class, and we had some sort of an informal deal that as long as I did well they wouldn't bother me. Unless there were major award ceremonies, I didn't tell my parents. And when I was applying to colleges, it was all my choice although on that I discussed the topic with them a little more. I filled out my Fafsa myself, etc. </p>

<p>I think it's good because I'm more independent for it. And I get breathing room. I don't think children should be friends with their parents. Parents should be parents not friends.</p>

<p>Of course this is just my opinion. I probably don't have a completely healthy relationship with my parents although we rarely have conflicts. </p>

<p><em>starts Linkin Park's "Crawling in my Skin</em></p>

56

<p>Neobez:</p>

<p>You are very fortunate that, FAFSA or not, your parents were willing to finance the college you chose. There are plenty of students who come complaining on CC that their parents are unwilling to pay for their dream schools or pay for college, tout court. And you know what? It's the parents' prerogative to do what they want with their money. </p>

<p>So it is very presumptuous of students to think they can keep their parents in the dark then expect the parents to fork $200k just because the students got into a college. Those who hold the purse strings have the right to set the terms of the conversation. </p>

<p>Most parents on these forums, by the way, worry about how they are going to pay for their Joe's and Jane's college. </p>

<p>I, for one, would like the parents forum to be for parents.</p>

57

<p>I am very very lucky to have parents that are active. I think it's a terrible letdown to not be able to attend the best school you get admitted to, but I'm a spoiled brat whose parents would take out a 2nd mortgage to pay for college. I admire all you people who gave up your dreams for your parents'. If my parents didn't want to pay, I'd deliberately botch my application to the state school.</p>

58

<p>OP - I wonder if your parents are as clueless as you think. They may be staying out of the process on purpose. And not just so you end up at State U. It may be that they want you to enjoy the process and feel they might interfere or influence. They may want to avoid any conflict about what appeals to them versus what appeals to you... because what they really want is for you to be happy. They may want you to invest your time and energy so that you make the right choice for you and not them. They may want you to learn to take charge of your life before you leave for college. They may look at all you have accomplished and believe you will make the right choice. Very few parents don't care. I bet they would be happy to talk with you about anything and everything if you asked. Most parents try to do the right thing and want only the best for their children. Few parents agree what that is.</p>

59

<p>neobez, that is your opinion and you are certainly entitled to it. I was exactly as you describe when I was in hs and my parents were too. We kind of led separate lives, my parents had their life and I had mine. I knew that they loved and cared about me, but going to my events wasn't in the program and I didn't expect it of them. But, they supported me in the big things, which was the main thing.</p>

<p>My husband grew up very differently, he was much more involved with his family and loved it. So, when I married him, I got adopted into this wonderful, large, crazy family. My kids have grown up like my husband and they wouldn't have it any other way. We are all very close, I wouldn't say friends, but my kids share alot with us, not only because they respect us and our opinion, but also because they like us. We never missed a game they played in or a ceremony they participated in, and I know that if they looked out into the crowd and we weren't there, it would be a disappointment. My kids are, at the same time, very independent. For example, my older son decided he wanted to go to UF, which wasn't even on my radar screen. He didn't know a soul going there, but they made him a good offer and he could see himself living in Florida, so we packed him up and off he went (15 hours away). He loves it and we are happy for him. And, it was totally his decision, his application, his essays, all his doing.</p>

<p>I guess my point is, is that every family is different, different dynamics and things that work for them, and things that don't. And, just because someone isn't in your type of family, it doesn't mean that they are going to have a lesser life experience or that something is wrong with them. The older I have gotten, the more open I am to people and situations that are different than mine. There are many roads to success or failure (in all things: life, work, love, etc.) and we all choose which road to take.</p>

<p>And thank God I don't worry too ****ing much about my kids, but they really haven't given me much reason to :)</p>

60

<p>sybbie,</p>

<p>I do realize that your comments were in response Mr. Pink, however I think that as far as colleges go it is more important for the student to be knowledgable than the parent. If the parent is footing the bill, then they have every right to find information, and set restrictions on their child's college search. I aslo think it is perfectly alright to help your kid by supplying them with information. I was only saying that when it all comes down to it it is the student who has to have the information so it would be wrong to say that they should not be on cc. I disagree with Mr. Pink that parents should not be on cc. I feel that they are a very valuable asset, which is why I come in this forum. I am mostly a lurker on cc, and the information supplied by parents has been an incredible help to me, without the parents cc would not be nearly as valuable a resource as it is.</p>

<p>Regarding the posts I have made, yes, I started 1 chances thread, I am not an idiot, I do not think that anyone can accurately predict my chances, I just wanted another opinion on what constituted matches, reaches and safeties for me.</p>

<p>I have no idea what you are talking about when you say, "you posted about the schools your parents would only consider paying for and after that, a criticism of parents"</p>

<p>I never posted about the schools my parents would consider paying for , because as I posted earlier, I could never ask my parents to pay for any school, they are in a very difficult financial situation and I would much rather they save their money to pay for my sister's education. In addition, at no point did I criticize parents.</p>

<p>I agree that I have not contributed much to a conversation about the college selection process, but that is because I am 17 years old, and there are parents on here with much more experience with and much more knowledge about the college selection process. I think everyone would rather receive advice from them than advice from a 17 year who is just starting to apply to colleges.</p>

<p>I have no issues that need to be worked out, thank you very much, I am very close to my mother and spend much more time with her than I ever do on cc. In fact, I would much rather she spend the time she uses on the computer hanging out with me, however, I realize that everyone deserves time to do whatever they want. That is the same type of time that the parents on cc are using.</p>

<p>You said that "kids should stay out of grown folk's business", however, for one thing I don't consider myself a kid and have never really been treated as such. I hold down two jobs and contribute to my household income, intern at a newspaper and have been making all my own decisions for quite some time now. </p>

<p>The other thing is how do you consider the college selection process "grown folk's business" as far as I am concerned this is more of a 17 year old's business.</p>

<p>And just so you know, with all of the running with the "big dogs" that I have been doing so far, I haven't been "bit" yet, and I don't plan to.</p>