You’re being so judgmental it’s delusional. If you’d like to comfort yourself by pretending otherwise, cool.
From the user agreement: “Our forum is expected to be a friendly and welcoming place, and one in which members can post without their motives, intelligence, or other personal characteristics being questioned by others.” No first-person comments, please.
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When you write “If parents want to celebrate the start of their student’s new life and show support, excellent; if they wish to but can’t afford that sort of trip, those good parents will find ways to show the same level of support. If not, well, sorry kid.” you are directly implying that those “If not” parents are bad parents. That’s judgmental. Feel free to convince me otherwise.
It’s ok. Everyone is allowed their views and humans by nature are actually judgmental. It’s how we make our own decisions. Even the OP was with their original post.
The good part about cafe discussions IRL and on here is people are allowed differing views. If you don’t agree with one, move on from it. No one agrees with everything. It’s how our world works. If certain threads bug people (anyone, not just you), don’t read them. If you click on “tracking” below the last post a thread can be muted and one doesn’t even have to see it.
I’ve seen several different parenting styles work among my students at our high school. The big plus is when parents can adjust to their student instead of assuming their student is a mini-them. Which way that adjustment goes depends upon the individuals involved.
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I would also point out that the generations who just dropped their kids off and drove off were the generations who nit only were less involved, they also, as a rule, demonstrated less physical affection and warmth, especially as the kids got older.
So when the newer generation of parents demonstrates the type of attention, physical affection, and warmth that the older generation reserved for younger children, it does appear that they are infantilizing their kids.
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The key word being appear. It isn’t that they are, it’s that they appear to be doing so to those who don’t recognize what’s actually going on.
When I quickly read that study it looked like warmth and affection turned out happier more well adjusted kids? Maybe I missed something… but the results didn’t surprise me at all. Neglected kids did worst.
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Absolutely - it is really mostly about perception. While there are indeed overbearing parents, and there do seem to be more helicopter parents, mostly we are talking about perception, at least when we are talking about college students.
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The increase in helicopter parenting in high school is not perception, but an actual widespread phenomenon. I don’t think that it is driven as much by parents being that much different as much as it is driven by school and school district administration who reward this type of behavior. In the upper middle and upper income communities, it is also driven by the increasing perception that a student can only succeed in life if they attend an “elite” college, which raised the perceived stakes for parents.
[/Aside]
Every child and their circumstances are different so I would not offer any general conclusions or advice. I can only share our experience with our older daughter who went to college in the UK.
Three years ago, she flew to London by herself with a suitcase and a backpack, then took a bus to Oxford from Heathrow. We could have gone with her but she did not want us as she was so-o ready to be independent. She then proceeded to settle in, buy whatever she needed (bedding was provided by the college) including the required ceremonial attire which they put for exams, open a bank and cell phone accounts, and deal with all sorts of bureaucratic issues such as get the equivalent of an SSN and National health insurance number. In the summer after the first year, she found a sublet room, a job as a summer counselor, and paid her vacation, organized entirely by her and her friends, to Italy.
Three years later, she is a highly functioning and very confident adult who is completely in charge of her life. I could not be happier for her. Our job as parents is done, and we can enjoy our conversations without having to nag about anything. Her judgment and organizational skills are as good if not better than mine, and I believe this is due to her taking control of every aspect of her life.
Now, my son, who starts college in the fall, does not possess this fierce independence, did not even consider applying to the UK, and chose to stay in-state (to the delight of his mother).
I guess what I want to say is that kids at 18 can do much more than we think them capable of. This seems true at any age when comparing the US with Europe for instance where kids are more independent due to good public transportation and a safer environment.
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This. My kids all went to college in the US and we dropped all three of them off, two complete with doing the parent programs at drop off. All three have terrific judgment and organizational skills and actually have since before college when they were still in high school and in charge of things. They’re simply natural leaders - it’s who they are.
Other than paying for college and such things, our job as parents was pretty much done while they were in high school and we’ve enjoyed adult conversations with them from the time they were in their mid teens. We still do. It’s awesome.
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And yet I was really surprised by the number of parents flying their kids to the UK this year- quarantine included- to get them settled in school. It seems the ocean isn’t an impediment for families to handle this how they feel is best. I think I was mostly surprised by the cost and quarantine, but I still say to each their own. My daughter is contemplating spending the ten days that would be quarantine in a hostel in Iceland, so I’m all the way out of that picture. Ha.
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Of course, teaching one’s child independence does not start with them going to college. However, in our neck of the wood, there is an army of parents, tutors, coaches, counselors, and other adults to “guide” the child lest he/she does some fatal mistake that reduces their chance to get into a good college. Going to college seems a good time for all adults to step back. This does not mean you are not there for them, love them less or give them insufficient warmth and support.
Yeah, that pretty much is non-existent where I live. School counselors, teachers, and parents/relatives who have BTDT is pretty much it.
This is not a forum for convincing anyone. It’s a forum for students looking toward college, and a forum for their parents, plus teachers and counselors, to share knowledge about colleges and their programs, about college majors, about college activities, usw. As I said, “infantilizing college freshmen” is not a worthy topic for it; it’s more like clickbait. If a parent travels with their student or not has nothing to do with the quality or value of the school, its majors, its activities, usw. That said, there might be unique topics that would fit properly; the vaccine question, on which you have a number of salient and well-reasoned posts, is one. In the off chance that your student has an interest in theater (esp. musical theater) or music (esp. rock music), I have experience in researching those I can share. And that’s back to the primary purpose of College Confidential since its founding in 2001, as a vehicle for students and parents to share info and insights to help everyone move forward.
Put the thread on mute if you’re not interested in seeing it.
Other parents have other interests, and that’s ok.
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I vaccilate between my favorites: those who think they know everything and those who know nothing whatsoever.
Poor Brendan.
Worth noting: A lot of these student supports exist because there was a recognition that a huge number of students weren’t being well-served by the system, and effectively dropping out of the pipeline.
Not all students are ready to self-direct into a good college (or any sort of postsecondary education) at the age of 18, or certainly not at the age of 13 or so when decisions really start to matter. If your kid is, then yay! One less thing to worry about! But if that’s the case, please recognize that your kid isn’t necessarily representative of all children, and very easily arguably not most.
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Absolutely! If that post was aimed at what I wrote, please realize I was not in any way meaning other students are inferior because they weren’t born natural leaders. I was merely saying kids are who they are and whether parents go with them to drop them off and help get them set up in college (or life) has no bearing on it.
Tossing kids out into the water saying, “sink or swim” has as many (or more) drown as learn how to swim. That’s not better for our planet.
If one were to look at any litter of puppies they will see that there are some more adventurous and others who prefer to stay close to home. It’s nature. Given good nurture all will grow up to be nice dogs.
Human “puppies” are similar in their natural variation. Variation isn’t wrong or bad. It merely means the best way to parent is to adjust to the student to help them succeed in life.
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@dfbdfb I agree with you. Getting into an ultra-selective college requires a lot of research especially when you have to navigate two systems in two countries. Some people hire private counselors, we did it ourselves and helped my D be successful. She maybe could have done it herself if she had the time. However, she was way busier than me and I have a demanding full-time job. This has nothing to do with being a natural leader.
However, once she was accepted, she took charge and continues to exceed our wildest expectations of how well she does by herself.
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No one forces anyone to read or write on a thread. If you regard any thread topic to be beneath you, then move on. There’s no shortage of threads for sharing any information or analyzing any topic you like. If there aren’t any that speak to you, create your own. One person’s clickbait may be another person’s food for thought or just entertainment. It’s OK. Peace!