I agree that one’s stance on this issue comes down to your upbringing and experience. I grew up with a distant father and no mother. He dropped me off at college and we did a few typical freshman things like open a bank account, hit the local Target, and spur-of-the-moment bought me a bike because he saw lots of students had brought their bikes. He didn’t stick around to help me set up my room but did take me out to dinner and then left.
That was one of only 3 times he was ever on campus in my 4 years there, including graduation day.
So you can imagine that I’m eager to take part in a lot of college rituals with my kids. But one thing my father was very involved in was discussing and helping me pick out classes every semester. He loved talking about that. He just wasn’t interested in discussing my social life at college.
I don’t think there’s a wrong or right way to do things. I plan to do what will feel right for my family. And I’m too old now to care what people think. Years of having a disappointing father kind of does that to you.
Wow, my parents allowed me to apply to do a year 3500 miles from my home. When I was accepted, they bought my plane ticket. I landed and had to navigate how to get from airport to campus and get settled and everything on my own, including setting up my own bank account. It worked out.
When I went to grad school, I applied, was accepted and flew alone 2500 miles away alone and got from airport to campus and settled myself in.
We flew with our kids to campus and made it a family vacation. There’s no right or wrong way. My parents didn’t have the time or money at the time but we did.
I think the move in portion of the conversation is a red herring - if families want to make a big deal over move in day or keep it low key, that’s not going to make a big difference in your child’s college experience one way or the other.
With regards to parental involvement after you drop them off, it honestly depends. Some of your sons and daughters are going to adjust with no problems, some are going to struggle. And if your child wants you to advocate for them in difficult situations and you feel comfortable doing so, then I wouldn’t judge that. There are some obvious limits (please don’t be calling your kid’s professor because they missed an assignment) but dropping your child off at college doesn’t mean you completely cut them off.
*Now let’s be clear - occasionally being an advocate for your child is not the same as doing things for them. They should be learning (or have already learned!) the life skills necessary to live on their own.
What college rituals are there besides dropping them off freshman year and attending graduation? What did your dad do wrong regarding your college experience? They’re only at college 8 months out of the year.
Counterpoint: maybe if other kids weren’t having family time, this child would have been surrounded by her peers rather than sitting alone in her dorm room.
Counterpoint: All those kids had had their entire lives up to that point for family time.
The move-in rituals at my college were parents weekend and some traditional events unique to our school that a lot of parents came in for. I didn’t necessarily feel like I missed out because I was blessed with having friends and a boyfriend whose families always included me when they came into town. But I got to see what it could be like if my father was more traditional and involved.
My older brother experienced the same thing in college and then my father complained loudly why he never came home any more when he was on breaks but instead went straight to his girlfriend’s house. Eventually his girlfriend’s family threw him a college graduation party and my father wouldn’t attend after everyone pleaded him to.
So yes, all of us kids have vowed to do things differently. Every family is different and they are so bc of the experiences that have shaped them. No one should judge.
I’m not judging, our family of 7 is super close, I came from a close family, my parents didn’t visit me much at college, I have #4 and #5 entering college, we won’t be visiting them much either (one will be 12 hours away, the other 45 minutes). After every move in, my kids have let us know it was time to go.
We dropped our S off at his dorm. Helped him move boxes in. Did the BBB shopping. We hugged him and let him know if he needed anything to just let us know. We never really visited him for visiting sake. My W had lots of business travel to the bay area, and when time permitted they’d have lunch or dinner. Plan to do the same with our D when she attends college in a little over a year. Sounds pretty normal.
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How does one change a shower curtain? Not something I’ve encountered in 30+ years of adulting. Why would you need to know how do this in college?
I’ve been watching families bring the kids to college for nearly 30 years now. Some stay most of the week. Is it what went on in my family, no, nor is it what I’m doing with my kid, but college means different things in different families.
As for the letter of intro, my school doesn’t charge the criminal money the average private school does, but if it did, I certainly think they’d be reasonable to go as far as they possibly could along the customer-service axis. In the end they know they’re answerable to the people paying the bills, and if the kid goes awol or the advisor just doesn’t do what the parents are after, they’re going to hear about it.
I agree, I think each family handles the move-in differently. All 3 of mine were very different in that regard. We never did go to the “parent” meetings…everything is generally available on their websites and the colleges are anxious for you the family to get out of dodge. I did draw the line on contacting the college with the exception of any billing questions and even then it was differing experiences. The Big U I had to remind them that “we” pay the bills not junior but if they couldn’t grasp that concept to answer my question in an email to junior and he can forward the email to “us”. As far as professors…I would never contact a professor…never. I had one that needed accommodations but even then my involvement ended after one call to the disabilities offices to find out what needed to be forwarded from the records to get the ball rolling with junior.
It occurred to me that the reason some schools may ask for a parent letter is to give certain parents an outlet to let someone know about their child. Who knows if anyone actually reads them or reads them with any real attention? Some parents just need to get that information out there for their own peace of mind and, if the school gives them the opportunity, maybe the schools won’t need to field so many unsolicited calls and e-mails.
This is a false issue. For those “by cracky, why, back in my days…” types who’d like to pretend that parental indifference is better, this thread gives them a chance to let loose with their hoariest Walter Brennan-ness. For contemporary parents that celebrate their children’s significant accomplishments, it’s a chance to realize why some families don’t cohere–with all their strained protestations that they do–and others cohere easily throughout life. But this question has nothing to do with attending college, and has a zero value equivalent to that of clickbait, and it serves only to draw attention away from the far more valuable discussions here on College Confidential.
Hi! There is no “tone” in my comment, other than what a reader might add themselves.
Also, I’m not making an inference. What “the OP” describes is parental indifference, though they might not realize that, or might wish to excuse themselves by explaining it away to their too-easy contentment.
But, again, this is a false issue. If parents want to celebrate the start of their student’s new life and show support, excellent; if they wish to but can’t afford that sort of trip, those good parents will find ways to show the same level of support. If not, well, sorry kid. But this subject is a distraction from the many more important aims of College Confidential and as such is a waste of space on the forum.
And in that vein: So, so much of this thread is people doing the behavioral equivalent of begging the question. Basically, there’s gobs of posters assuming that their own practices are the One True Way, without bothering to investigate basic issues like whether one family’s preferences and practices are (or should be!) generalizable to the population as a whole, but rather just bulling ahead on the assumption that anyone who does it differently is doing it wrong.