Infantilizing college freshmen? Is this the new (or not so new) normal?

Parents Forum
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Writing a letter of introduction to a college advisor.? No way.

But helping the kid move in the dorm? Sure. I’ve also helped my adult kids move into and out of apartments and am helping an adult kid and spouse move into their first house tomorrow. The difference is who is in charge. When kid is headed to college, he or she should have the majority of the say in the move in process. We didn’t help plan decor, and did discuss how long they wanted us to hang around and such. In one case an adult sibling came along for move in, but she was living in the area at the time and wanted to see us and the younger sibling. And yes, dorms are small, and too many people helping makes it crowded.

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I spoke with the health center, they connected us with a local pharmacy that carries it and can deliver it, and they will store it for my son to self administer. I was not thrilled with it being in the dorm room

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While I do think that some parents are too involved in their child’s college education, I don’t think the example of move-in day is such a good one. For both my kids, my husband and I drove with the kid and all their stuff each year for move-in day (in another state). We helped unload, unpack, set up, and when done, we left. Honestly, all the other kids seemed to also have parents assisting with the move in too. Even for graduate school, I helped with the transportation and hauling of stuff for the move into an apartment, putting furniture together, etc. In one case, it involved driving a car pulling a U-Haul trailer 3000 miles and did not really want my D to do that by herself. Once done with their schooling, they then managed moves on their own with movers.

When my kids were in college, I had no contact with anyone at their colleges. But I sure have heard of parents being way too involved in that sort of contact with the college with regard to their student. In my view, that was my role in K-12, but afterwards, the kids had to manage on their own and do all the direct contact with college personnel. They were free to ask us, if they wished, for any advice. They have never lived at home since their high school graduations and are quite independent. One even started college at 16, and we still had no contact with the college on her behalf. But yes, we did the moves with them. I don’t see helping someone move long distance and settle their stuff as infantilizing. I think dealing with the faculty and advisors and things like that once they are in college is not typically appropriate for their age.

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I remember when my (future) BIL moved into his apartment his sophomore year. His mom completely decorated the apartment including a fully stocked kitchen. I think he was the only student with a bed skirt. It should have been a red flag.

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Middlebury has a slew of activities for parents of first years. The “official” reason is “so parents can learn about the college”. The REAL reason is to get the parents out of the dorms and out of the way of the kids.

Helicopter parents have become the bane of the existence of high schools, and now colleges.

However, I think that what we are seeing are parents whose own parents were “hands-off”. These parents were the latch-key kids, the ones whose parents often did not have time to go to their recitals, who came home and made their own dinners, and took care of themselves. This made them (us, I guess) more independent, but also, like many parents, made then decide that they would “be different”.

So they became more involved in their kids’ lives. However, this being the US of A, things are not merely “done”, but are “overdone”. So parents who had bad memories of teachers giving them low grades, and their parents taking the side of the teacher, try to “protect” their kids from that “trauma” by harassing teachers until the teacher agrees to give little Sue or Johnny an A or B+. Parents who have bad memories of their parents ignoring their academic achievements celebrate every grade that is above average (“My kid is an Honors Student at Acme Elementary!”). Parents who resent the fact that their own parents did not sign them up for extracurricular activities, and never paid much attention to whatever activities they ended up doing, sign their own kids up to dozens of activities, engage themselves in the minutiae of their kids activities, fighting to make their kids experiences “special”, and to make sure that their kid is a star (or at least treated as one).

These parents labor to make sure that their kids do not suffer at all.

This attitude is common enough even here. How many CC parents have stated that the most important thing for them is that “my kid will be happy at college”? The focus on “happiness” as the most important contribution of college to a kid’s life, is part and parcel of the “I need to protect my kid from all negative experiences and emotions” philosophy. Perhaps not taking it to the lengths that some parents do, but it still ties into this philosophy of parenting.

It is not infantilizing students as much as not trusting them to be able to deal with any level of emotional challenge.

PS. I think that this attitude was strengthened by a long list of films from the late 1970s to the early 1990s in which parents were too busy to notice or otherwise uninterested in what was going on with their kids or what their kids were doing. Almost every film of the 1980s which centered around teens either had parental neglect or parental cluelessness as a major plot device. So Gen Xers were conditioned to see lack of extensive parental involvement in the lives of their kids as a major reason behind things going wrong in a kid’s life.

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MWolf- I agree with some of what you say but I think we live in a consumerist society and the helicoptering is a symptom of that.

I cannot recall ANY of my peers in college expressing “for what I’m paying to be here, they should…” (fill in the blanks, whether it’s keep the dining hall open later, have the library extend its borrowing policy, supply nicer towels in the gym, etc.) And yet I hear my peers and neighbors complaining about this stuff- which they heard from their kids, all the time.

College is expensive- yes. But it was expensive then also-- my parents educated me and my siblings at significant personal sacrifice. But nobody expected a single room (EVERYONE knew that you shared a dorm room, even the kids with allergies, OCD, digestive disorders-- and my own freshman roommate who was clinically depressed and suicidal). Everyone knew that kids would have to take some responsibility for the cleanliness of their room, the communal kitchen, etc.

Today? I hear outrage if their kid has to take someone else’s clean laundry out of the dryer (“for what I’m paying they should have enough dryers for the whole dorm”). Outrage that the cost of a lost key is $25. (note- your kid isn’t paying for the key, which costs a buck. He or she is paying for someone from the housing staff showing up at 2 am to hand your kid an extra key after verifying their college ID and driver’s license and checking with security and the RA to make sure your kid is the legal occupant of the dorm room. Don’t want to pay for lockouts? Teach your kid to remember his/her key).

We live in a different time. Parents don’t want to wave goodbye to little Susie at the Greyhound terminal with her trunk and suitcase. They want the provost telling them their kid is special, that they’re special. They want the elaborate tents on the lawn of the college green with coffee and cake. They want the college president declaring that there were so many applicants they could have filled the class three times over (but every parent knows that little Susie is the real deal). So the colleges do the dance, as ludicrous as it is. The parents won’t leave without it- so host the coffees, have the speeches, and tell them at 3 pm they are free to go so their kids can meet their RA’s and get on with it.

THAT’s getting your money’s worth-- a dude declaring in Latin “The academic term has begun” before you head out to battle traffic getting out of the college parking lot!!!

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47

I don’t need any parent programming. The only thing we’ve ever attended was an outdoor a cappella concert during family weekend. Loved it.

College drop-off for us has been about showing our kids that we are a team, and we always want to be part of each other’s transitions and milestones.

I do want to continue to be a sounding board for my kids. We know them fairly well, and we have insights and perspectives that they value. Once or twice a week, D19 runs something by me or DH. Sometimes, she’s just venting and wants sympathy or validation. Other times she’s stuck and needs suggestions to get her going on a problem. We would never jump in to solve it for her, but a good listener is very valuable.

I sincerely wish my parents had been a bigger part of my daily life and decisions during college. They were more “out of sight, out of mind” and they were living overseas. I often felt adrift. I want my kids to have a harbor when they need it.

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Who are these people? And what college(s) are we talking about? Not saying they don’t exist but from everything I have heard and know its such a small number as to be nothing approaching normal and is essentially a rounding error in terms of the total number of kids heading to college.

Other than most people I know do take their kids to college and help them get dorm rooms set up (parents did the same when I went to college). More hotel stays I suspect because more kids seem to go out of state to college than did when I went. Makes a day trip more difficult/impossible.

Technology has changed communications. When I was in college decades ago, short of writing my parents a letter, I could talk with them on the phone in my dorm. Had to call them at night because that is when they were home. Couldn’t send an email or text they could access anywhere with a phone or tablet. Severally limited influence they could have on college life.

Never heard of a letter of introduction. For college, nursery school, sleep away camp or anything else for that matter.

As others have noted, different people are different. What works for some won’t work for all.

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We helped both kids move in multiple times and yes, we attended parent intro sessions during move in. It’s fun to see the other parents and everyone is in a good mood, etc… For the first move in, the whole family went, but why not, it was a fun day out. Now, would we turn it into a vacation? Probably not, but if the student is attending college in a fun-filled destination, for example UCSD, sure, why not make a holiday out of it?

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College really wasn’t expensive when I went. My husband went to our state flagship for under $20,000, my daughter graduated from the same university that cost $120,000+. However, I do get tired of “for what we are paying…”.

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I’m guessing you were born after the Baby Boom.

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I think making comments like “people who do things differently will be defensive, but…” and calling people helicopter parents because they make different choices is passive aggressive bullying. I ran youth organizations when our kids were younger and other leaders/coaches used phrases like that all the time to try to shame other parents into doing what they wanted. If it’s helicopter parenting for other parents to want to occasionally attend events with their kid then we’ve taken it to a whole new level by being our kids’ leaders and coaches. Just because something is right for you doesn’t make it the only way or the right way.

People parent differently. If the family wants to participate in college drop off and make it a family event then that’s what they should do. People who want to drop their kid and go are welcome to do that too. From a college perspective, welcoming families has benefits. Everybody is a potential donor.

Kids are different too. What’s right for one may not be right for the others. One of ours attended my alma mater and wanted me to keep a low profile in case anyone there remembered me. I can respect that. One of the others happily showed us around their campus. They’re adults and it’s their experience so I’ll happily follow their lead. I assume that’s what all the other families on campus are doing too.

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Uh oh! I resemble this remark. The school has parent programing for orientation - and they strongly encouraged a family member to come - huge welcomes for both populations. This is my oldest, so I don’t know any better, I guess, but I’m happy to go.

Move in will also be the whole family (not the actual unpacking and putting things together, that will likely be just my daughter and I) and we’re turning it into a weekend trip, move in is on the back end, so we won’t be hanging around after she moves in, but I’m not driving 12 hours, spending 5 hours sweating to death moving a kid into a South Carolina dorm in August and turning around and driving 12 hours back. We are going to take some time to be tourists in the city for a day or two and then move her in and head home. It honestly wouldn’t have crossed my mind to leave her younger brothers home; they’d have been so disappointed. We all love to travel and they want to see where their sister will be living.

I’ll just put my fingers in my ears and sing la-la-la and pretend I’m not ruining my daughter for life. Haha. I’m joking of course. I don’t think she’ll be too scarred; she seems to think this is normal, too.

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Expensive is relative. How my parents managed to educate all of us (with some financial aid but not a boatload, and some loans but for grad school, not undergrad) is really a testament to them which I did not fully appreciate at the time. College was “less expensive”, but I look at what they paid for their house, how much money they earned, the moonlighting, etc. in a whole new light now. I realize in retrospect how scary those “lean years” must have been for them, especially the ones where multiple kids were in college.

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I don’t hear many people say “for what I am paying…” My son went to my alma mater. In terms of dining hours when I was there, the dining halls were open for 1.5-2 hrs for 3 meals a day (2 on weekends). It was cafeteria style with one entree per meal and if you didn’t want that there was a salad bar with peanut butter and jelly. Meal plans were only good on campus. For my son, dining halls were open 15+ hours a day (believe they closed at midnight some days and 10pm the others. Unlimited visits. Food courts with many options each day. Meal plan could be used at 25+ locations on/off campus. Washers/dryers sent him a text telling him when his laundry was done and letting him know when machines were available. He certainly spent a lot less time waiting for machines than I did. And in further comparisson, my dad (also attended same school) sent his laundry home to his mom in a trunk. Times have definitely changed.

Often times the “for what I am paying” line is a poorly disguised brag.

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Agree. My kids would have felt bad had a parent not been there during move-in and orientation. My son was very judgey about his parents blowing off Family Weekend, although it turned out that he would have had zero time to meet with us had we attended. Colleges and universities definitely have a ton of parent and family programming that didn’t exist in my day; that’s no doubt for development reasons but also because parents seem to want it. I’m sure it’s correlated with excellent student outcomes.

However, the letter to the advisor is over-the-top. What’s next: a weekly e-mail from the professor on what the children learned that week? :joy: Guess I’d like to know the college’s reasons for requesting. Never heard of a college or university inviting the parents into the academic relationship.

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But how proud they must have been of all of you! Having just gone through several “lean years” myself and enjoying the more abundant cash flow for the present, I have to say that we never viewed it as a sacrifice but as a choice. We could have educated them at less expensive schools, but we wanted the best for them and they wanted the schools they attended. Really, we were all being very selfish! :grin:

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The past three or four cohorts of students I have dealt with in recent years come to college much more “diagnosed” than in the past. A third are on SSRIs or ADHD meds (this info was provided to us in a workshop for professors given by Counseling Services). In any given class, I have several with DDS accommodations, not one or two as it used to be. The re-identification of various conditions or traits as medical pathologies requiring treatment has led to a greater concern, anxiety and involvement among parents than in past decades. That’s my theory. It’s not about money.

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My DC’s 2-day orientation was in June before their freshman year. There were separate sessions for parents (about financing, payment options, security, technology, etc) while the kids did their thing. (Small LAC.)

On move in day, there was a clear schedule that included a “parent departure” time. Right after that there was a student welcome convocation. So the parents had to go!

Just spouse and I accompanied DC on move in day. There is a great thread on CC about moving in. Both helpful and hilarious!

We moved DC’s stuff into the dorm room, roomie showed up a bit later, and spouse and I wandered around campus to give them time and space to unpack and get settled in.

I have heard from friends that at our state flagship, the first thing the school does at orientation is separate the parents from the kids and a lot of the messaging to the parents is “cut the cord”. :grinning:

After a year or so I got on the parent FB page for DC’s school. I could not believe it! A couple of parents were saying how their kids were having a hard time making friends. And the parents started facilitating a meetup on the quad for the kids! I wanted to stay “please don’t make play dates for your 18 year olds”.

They also ask questions that I can’t figure out why they need to know, but if you do, ask you child - they should know or be able to find out the answer. (Most of the questions were issues that the kids needed to know anyway, so let them find the answer!)

The only time I have been in contact with the school is about paying the bill. (And that is because I have messed it up :open_mouth:)

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On my DD’s school’s FB parent page, parents too often arranged roommates for their kids. That is weird to me. I just scrolled on by those posts.

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