Ugh the parent FB page :). Simultaneously a treasure trove of good information and head shaking comments. For those sending your first off to college and who are on a parent FB page I have unsolicited advice - Do not read the posts after the first round of exams. I can’t tell you how many parents were complaining about exams being unfair, too long, too hard, too this, too that, and wanting to call the school to complain. Those pages get much, much better after first year is over and everyone has adjusted.
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I don’t see it as that big of a deal, If a child is going to college a couple of hours away or out of state and the whole family is tagging along to drop them off and stay in a hotel it is really just an excuse for a mini vacation. It’s not that deep.
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I’ve been in a position to hire recent college grads over the years and, sadly, for some of these young adults the involvement/interference doesn’t stop. I’ve had parents call after an interview to follow up and see how child did. My response? “Very well until this phone call. Unfortunately if you don’t trust X can handle this process on their own—and you know them better than I—then I can’t trust they are ready for the responsibility either.” Tough luck for the kid but hopefully set them up better for the next job. I’ve had parents call after a performance review to say child wasn’t clear on some of the feedback and could they get more detail.
Every family is different and I respect that. There are pros and cons to every approach. The parents staying hyper involved must believe the pros to that approach outweigh the cons. 
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My husband’s company had a parent bring a kid to the interview and wanted to sit in! Needless to say they were not hired.
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I’ve had young employees need their parents to file their expense reports. Seriously. In a company where the entire process is online, fully automated, with prompts and a drop down menu. It takes less time than checking Yelp to see where they should eat lunch (which they do, because god forbid you buy the wrong tuna sandwich…)
The parents complain because “Back in the Day” your administrative assistant did it for you. But “Back in the Day” the ratio was three to 1 for admin support-- now it’s a Team Assistant who is supporting 10 or 12 people. And because there’s an online dashboard, you don’t need an admin stapling little pieces of paper to another piece of paper and then walking it up three floors to accounting.
Every family is different- indeed. But cutting the cord doesn’t get easier when the cord extends into the workplace- it makes your kid look like an idiot.
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Its another example of because you can doesn’t mean you should.
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A good friend is a very senior manager at Disney Corporate. He’s had meetings with his team on dealing with parents of interns and college hires. It’s a real thing.
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Heh. At least they’re not understaffed. I am pretty sure my son’s destination couldn’t do this if they wanted to.
I disagree when it comes to serious medical issues, but other than that I don’t think you are being unreasonable. When I started college in the 80s, an older sibling drove me and my belongings to campus 3-4 hours away. I wasn’t entirely on my own because I had a family member living in town for other reasons, but basically the plan was drop me off and let me enjoy orientation week and navigate the registration system on my own (which was then an onerous process that required waiting in line for punch cards; it was soon modernized).
After that, my usual way to get back and forth was a Greyhound bus. These are all very happy memories for me, including the bus rides. I like my family, but living on my own was a blast.
Helicopter parenting has increased in general. There’s an overall cultural shift of delayed adulthood. If I had to guess, I would say that some of it is just intrinsic in how we think of young adults and some is forced by economic factors. There just aren’t as many jobs you can do at that age and support yourself.
Parents also want their kids to get an edge. Obviously, right? Or this website wouldn’t exist in the first place. This produces an arms race. I may want my kids to be independent, but are they at a disadvantage relative to the kids with the air cavalry at their disposal? In my case, I’d usually say no. Building habits of independence will produce longterm gains.
You should do what you and your child feel comfortable with. I also wonder if your kids’ college is unusually geared towards helicopter parents. You could easily find one that is just too big for it to be a feasible option.
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I don’t mean offense with the term “helicopter parents”. Usually if it comes up in conversation, it’s in kind of a joking context. Everyone cares about their kids, and it’s reasonable to ask if we are doing the right amount of “helicoptering.” Sometimes your child is in real trouble and needs help. The opposite is a “sink-or-swim” approach, and that’s fine provided they don’t sink. I think of the metaphorical helicopter as one that’s there for water rescues but shouldn’t be airdropping lunch every day.
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I work for a college and I guess my “what am I paying for comments” are different. I’ve had a salary freeze now for 2 years. My retirement matching has been cut as well. I don’t care how much fluff they add for parents. I look at if the students are taken care of well. Do professors have what they need to teach. Are facilities updated.
I don’t need (nor want) pomp and circumstance for me. But I do think young adults should leave college feeling it was a good use of their time and money and they should have fond memories. Many kids today like a little “polish” and I don’t think thats totally bad. Sure there are entitled kids out there but I would say a majority of people in general like recognition for doing a good job. It doesnt have to be expensive.
Luckily I teach mostly grad students so I don’t have to deal with annoying parents but I do know they exist. I think theres way more of us who do the right thing than those whose parenting style is totally overbearing and controlling. I mean, if theres a class of 60 students and maybe 2 parents try emailing, thats not a huge percentage. Largely annoying and laughable, yes. But I wouldn’t say its the “norm” for parents to be that involved.
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I see this in economic terms. What you’re paying for is the most labor intensive industry today outside of healthcare. Of course it’s going to cost. People may make a false comparison with consumer products, where production costs have been driven down by automation and offshoring. When you consider what actually goes into providing a college “experience” (courses and everything else) it is really not hard to figure out what you’re paying for.
Some colleges are overpriced, but large state universities are operating at the limits of their budget. I consider them an amazing deal, though I admit I’m fortunate enough to be able to afford to pay my kids’ way and many people struggle.
If someone is paying for a pricy private university with a large endowment, it may be fair to ask where the money is going. In other cases, it’s a miracle the university stays afloat at all, and much of that is resting on the backs of low-paid adjuncts and grad students.
I don’t consider $30,000+ a year a great deal. Some public schools are a great deal, but it depends on where you reside.
I know someone who got a call from an irate mom about why her kid didn’t get into the PhD program. Wish I could say that was recently, but it was long-enough ago to be notable at the time.
Lots of stories about parents calling up the company to discuss salary and performance expectations for Junior or Mary Sue. It is hilarious but also very sad.
Ah, the parent FB page. I’m frequently shocked at the amount of confidential information about their college kid shared by these parents! Most of the kids would be horrified if they knew. The amount of drama sometimes resembles the middle school lunch table! I’ve been on a couple where the administrator is very aggressive in shutting off commenting or even deleting posts. I’ve yet to disagree with them for doing so, as the purpose is to share helpful information and tips, not to vent or form a contingency to go storm the administration over something someone doesn’t like. I even know one university administrator who, in so many words, told me that they don’t do parent FB pages due to all the problems with the parents! By the way, I do find them to be useful in general and sometimes they are very amusing.
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I am not sure if you mean $30k tuition or you’re including other expenses. Either way, I believe that you would find that nobody involved in teaching is feathering their nest with the proceeds (in administration, maybe). I remember paying well over $1000/month for day care that was carried out by people with less training (who did a great job, mind you). So $12000/year, and that is not far off from many in-state tuition numbers. You can pay a lot more.
I remember sending my son to a Galileo camp when he was very young that was staffed by teenagers as far as I could tell, and honestly seemed like a ripoff for what I paid. Similar experience with some tech camps. The point is that labor is expensive. If you want to know where your money is going, I bet the budget office could tell you and you wouldn’t find any slamdunk cost savings.
If $30k is a lot, then how on earth do private colleges charge so much more for a diploma that is not necessarily going to mean higher earnings potential?
But $30k not a bargain either. A good community college may be.
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I remember a story back in grad school that one of the assistant professors had brought his parents with him to tour on his first day of work. I can see it being explained innocuously as humoring them, but the way it was told, it really sounded like his parents showing up for his first day of school. That was a long time ago.
I’d have been mortified if my parents were involved in anything beyond high school.
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My oldest is open with his struggles with mental health. We don’t find shame in sharing stories so that others don’t feel they are all alone. But yes, you do need to know what your child is comfortable with as far as information goes.
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Times change. Norms and practices change, not necessarily for the good, but not necessarily for the bad either. When I went to college many decades ago, I didn’t even tell me parents which colleges I applied to. I was accepted with a full ride to a small liberal arts college (I literally did not pay a dime) and found my own ride to the college from the Bay Area to Oregon. My parents never visited (they did come for graduation) and I always arranged my own transportation back for breaks and summer, or I found something locally to do. I wouldn’t mind if my soon-to-be-college-student daughter did the same, but we live in different times with different expectations. Parents and children, I think, are generally much closer today than in the past. But that also leads to more involvement. There are positives and negatives. It can be taken too far, but, in moderation, it’s perfectly healthy, too.
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I blame Gilmore Girls! Nah, but I have been champing at the bit to say it. One of my pandemic activities was catching up on all 7 seasons and it’s kind of disturbing how Rory can go to Yale but drives home every weekend to do laundry. I don’t think GG is the cause of this kind of close parenting, but as a cultural artifact, it certainly portrays it. I am at the tail end of a large boomer family (but I consider myself GenX). I am happy to have a small enough family to provide more individual attention, but I really do want my kids to have an opportunity to live their own lives. It was the most fun I ever had.
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Why has parent and family programming got anything to do with student outcomes? I get the part about soliciting donations but don’t see any benefit for either the college or the families beyond that.
Arguably, efforts such as this to encourage parents to be more directly engaged with the college will promote rather than discourage helicopter parenting.
Tuition was $15,000 and $17,000 for my two oldest, with $16,000 and $15,000 in room and board, not in commuting distance. Compared to some other state schools, I think it’s expensive, especially since tuition was $2000 in my day. The third goes public OOS where the tuition is $38,000 without r/b, but has a $17,000 scholarship. Two more start in the fall (on in state, one OOS).