When I was in high school Calculus BC seemed to be limited to an elite group of students who started with Algebra 2 in 9th grade (which I probably could have since I had algebra in 8th grade but somehow wasn’t given the algebra placement test… water long under the bridge). So anyway, I took AB as a senior and it was a much bigger class. Actually I recall one student in AB who was moved up to BC after a week or two (now a brilliant researcher who is quoted in the news from time to time but I’ll respect his privacy).
As a result, it surprised me when my son was expected to take BC as a senior after a pre-calculus course and a rushed review of calculus during pandemic lockdown. To be honest I was on the verge of panic but they were unable to find room for him in AB. In fact, he is holding his own in the course though he’s not taking the AP exam. I sort of wonder in retrospect if he should have after all. He didn’t want to take it, but I bet he could have gotten a 3 at least.
I’ve felt the same thing skimming this thread. My three guys are also very independent and have traveled to some far reaches of the world without parents (or any family member) since 8th grade. But two of the three still enjoy being part of the family and sharing a lot with us. The other only now is “returning” to a semblance of what was. He felt really left out when all of the other kids at his college had parents stay for their part of moving in and all we did was move him in, give a hug, and leave - same as happened in “our day.” If there’s one major thing I’d change in life it would be staying there and being there for him. We didn’t realize we were supposed to.
We never had to write a letter about any of them (that seems quite odd TBH) and we certainly never interfered with their college lives, but when a family is close as ours was/is, it can really hurt a kid to feel abandoned at a time when everyone else has family (or whoever) around.
Know your kid. What was done in the past is not necessarily “right” for the ages and what is good for one is not necessarily good for all.
When I was in high school, students a year advanced in math (under 10% of the class) took precalculus in 11th grade and calculus BC in 12th grade. Back then, there apparently was a lot less parent pushing to get their kids in the most advanced math track starting in middle school – the students in the one year advanced math track really were strong students in math.
Note that precalculus to college calculus is expected for non-advanced students (precalculus in 12th grade, calculus in college), and college calculus is paced like calculus BC. So it should not be a stretch for the stronger-in-math students in high school to go directly from precalculus to calculus BC.
He had to decide back in the Fall (they made deadlines much earlier starting last year I think). He wasn’t too confident, I wasn’t confident given his attitude, and he just doesn’t like math. So I figured he could have a break on that one. Enough pressure with everything else. I wasn’t expecting him to fail the course, but I was expecting him to need help and complain a lot. Actually, he’s chugging along with a safe B average. He still doesn’t like it much and I asked and he still doesn’t regret choosing to skip the exam.
Mine is not taking the exam for BC Calc, either. His college won’t give credit for it, and since it is a dual enrollment class with our state’s flagship state U, he will have a grade on a college transcript for it. In fact, my kid isn’t taking any AP tests this year. It means he won’t have anything to show for AP Euro (the others all will appear on the college transcript), but since his intended college won’t give credit for anything, it doesn’t really matter. He learned a lot in the classes, though.
My oldest took regular calc. as a junior after doing seriously poorly in pre-calc as a sophomore and reviewing it over the summer (undiagnosed ADHD till end of 10th grade - hit her wall on the math finally). Anyway, did so well that she was invited to take BC as a senior and scored a 5 on the exam.That didn’t surprise me; her math instructor was excellent and my D had the mathability. It was a small class of 11 or so; I believe all but one took the exam and everyone did very well (4’s and 5’s). (Edit to add: we didn’t push her and she didn’t major in STEM in college - went to art school and is now a tech’y graphic designer).
When I was in high school, there was this one brilliant kid who took AB as a junior and then self-studied for BC the next year and took that (school didn’t offer a BC class but allowed students to choose which test they were doing). To me this just seemed like an amazing achievement! My brother - same high school - had chosen the AB and went on to do physics at Cal Berkeley, then a PhD at MIT. So to me, AB was clearly for the STEM kids, and BC for the geniuses. Of course times have changed! Most going into STEM, particularly at selective colleges, have taken BC. My two AB kids? One is graduating with a history major; the other is doing philosophy.
Wife is an educator. The watering down of gifted / accelerated classes to accommodate more students has been going on for many years (probably a generation - which is why the problem is so flagrant now). Many cases of kids testing for gifted in elementary school, not passing, then seeking private testing, and magically they show up in the gifted program. For some reason these parents don’t see when everyone is gifted, no one is gifted. Not being labeled gifted shouldn’t be a bad thing, but it has become that in many districts. It should be something to strive for, for the academically minded kid. This, I feel, has led to way too many AP offerings and way too many kids taking AP classes (who don’t belong in that level class- measured by how many either don’t take the AP exam or realize a sub par score). Also many unqualified teachers teaching AP subjects. Schools want to increase the number of AP classes offered / students taking to skew their ranking but the result is watering down the learning / speed/ intensity of the class.
My brothers were both all AP and belonged there. I was not and I didn’t. Nothing wrong with that. I didn’t feel bad. I wasn’t motivated by that. I had different interests / priorities. We’ve all done well, but I don’t pretend to have the same intellectual skillset as the two of them. That’s life. We’re all different. The system is trying to make way too many of us the same. Good luck to that grade inflated kid who gains admission to an academically elite college and struggles in the bottom tier (if s/he finishes at all). I imagine not a lot of fun or benefit from that experience.
There is a terrific book called “Letting Go”. It’s not a new book but it’s terrific. The one given to me was passed down through a number of other parents…and I passed it on as well.
Why? We’ve been letting our kids “go” since they were in 8th grade and they’ve all become quite successful. I didn’t need to read a book on “how to.”
I’m sitting here enjoying a vacation with all three of them and two wives + 1 GF now really enjoying how things are.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with letting them go and still remaining close as adult friends. It’s not like we’re running their lives or signing permission slips. Heck, I’m one who told my high school kid to sign his own permission slip when he needed them at school for a trip or R movie and I’d always back him up.
When DC was a freshmen, we texted more than I thought but it was almost always “practical” reasons - their phone service was not good at their school and we needed to change carriers or tweak phone, here is your updated insurance card, etc.
I heard from DC more last year, their sophomore year. I think because of COVID they had more time on their hands. And maybe because they had their first year to “be away”? Maybe I am just not horribly embarrassing after all!
We are not helicopter parents and my kid is independent and self sufficient, they take care of everything school related (except paying - darn on that! Haha). When they tell me what classes they are going to take, I say sounds good. And make sure you advisor is on board.
I am supportive and here for advice/ideas if needed. I don’t usually call them (not sure if they are in class, etc) but when I do (because some things are just easier to talk about than text), I do like to say “this is your smother”.
We’ll always be their parents, but I have been enjoying the newer, more “adult” relationship.
This is the book that comes up on a Google search. It doesn’t seem to match the thread TBH (nor interest me). Is it the one you’re recommending or is there a different author of a similar name book?
Ok, searched more (because the other one really didn’t seem right!) and found this one. Definitely seems like a “How to” book. Folks can read it if they wish. We’re well beyond that stage now with our final graduation having happened in 2018 for college and this month for med school (different kids if one is counting years and wondering how med school was completed so quickly).
Honestly, all this book seems to cover came naturally to us, but then again, since I work in a public high school I likely learned more than others via my job and seeing students go off.
No…the book I’m talking about is called Letting Go. You found it. It most definitely is NOT a how to book. I’ve read it. It’s very good. I also worked in public education.
Now folks have a link to it if they are in that stage of their lives. The second one, not the first one my google search brought up! One would think with as much time as I spend on this board Google would know which one of the same title I was trying to search out, but I guess not as that one didn’t show up at all on the first page of the search.
Why then do I only have to talk about something with someone (never searching for it online) and get stories (often old) about it in my google feed?
Technology. Great when it works, puzzling when it doesn’t!
Parents of incoming freshmen, please read this thread - it is helpful (and sometimes hilarious and sometimes mid boggling). It may help you think about different issues related to move-in day.
I started to read and maybe I’ll go back. I feel safe in saying that my wife and I won’t be bringing dust ruffles, whatever those may be. As a parent, I get nervous about safety and whether my son is mature enough to be living away from home so suddenly. But in practice, both his parents did, so he can too. I could see myself helicoptering a little more than I should though because of those issues.
Interior decorating is going to be his concern and his alone.
I don’t think it is infantilizing your children to help them out, no matter what age. Some students need very little help to get to school and settle in. Sure, the military academies don’t allow parents to help, but those student have everything provided and very little choice in things. They don’t have to know how the family medical insurance works, how to open a bank account, how to decorate their rooms. They aren’t moving in mini-fridge units or hauling things from Target back to the room. They aren’t even bringing blankets and pillows.
One of my kids was 17, so there were documents I had to sign and there was a mix up with her room so I tried to help solve that (didn’t happen, and she survived). I had to be there for registration to sign her medical forms. She already had a bank account but I would have had to sign for that too.
My other daughter had a summer registration and again a mix up with medical forms. They took the students off to register without parent’s help or input, and then I just changed it all later; she has ONE class on Fridays, at 4 pm, and they’d put her in psychology, a class she’d be 10 minutes late for every class. and which she had no interest in taking. I knew that wouldn’t work for my child no matter how neatly it fit into the department’s schedule (that they suggested for all freshmen). I’m pretty good at scheduling so we discussed which schedule would work better for HER and made the changes.
I really don’t think the schools or advisers had my child first on their priority lists, but I did, so I took the time to make her schedule work better for her. Why should a student waste a semester taking classes they really aren’t interested in because it fits the adviser’s standard block of classes?
I also enjoyed helping this child pick her classes and making a balanced schedule. When she wasn’t doing well in her original major, did the adviser suggest she change majors? No. He wanted her in his department.
I don’t think help at any age is interfering. When my daughter was buying a car at age 21, I helped. She’s been looking for a house and I’ve been answering questions about mortgages and other financing.
Sometimes my kids don’t take my advice and I’m okay with that too.
That’s a really good point. I have made this in a medical context. I don’t have a medical degree, but my kid’s doctor doesn’t have the luxury of spending weeks researching a single case. I have found they usually respect that, and I make an effort to be clear I’m not second-guessing, just being a necessary advocate (and this is for serious issues, not general pediatrics).
I would expect university advisers to understand registration and requirements a lot better than I do or my child does, but they’re not going to have the attention or incentive to get everything right. Eventually though, the onus is on the college student. Some hand-holding freshman year is understandable.
I’ve seen dust ruffles mentioned on parent pages many times, asking where to buy extra long ones for a raised bed to hide drawers and laundry basket underneath (so much easier having nothing there).
The second one, not the first one my google search brought up! One would think with as much time as I spend on this board Google would know which one of the same title I was trying to search out, but I guess not as that one didn’t show up at all on the first page of the search.