Fair enough, but I would expect him to follow the lead of his peers as much as possible, rather than us.
Well, not so fast. I would certainly hope that long before college a kid has a bank account and knows how to handle money and expenses. IMO, college is way too late for learning how to handle finances. Our son had to know how the family medical insurance worked prior to heading off to boarding school at 14 (yes, I know, this is not the common case), and in his first weeks at the academy, he had to understand and handle the paperwork for his own medical insurance, life insurance, will, and bank account for his service pay (cadets receive a salary while attending) and decide how to use that pay to cover uniform, dry cleaning, tailoring, equipment, and other expenses as a cadet can allow the government to auto-deduct for those needs or offset from other funds and save/invest a portion of their military pay, and many do. They also have to handle their own taxes each year. Cadets are allowed to have mini-fridges and a few other non-essentials and those are on them to deal with. Also, every year, cadets have to move in/out of their rooms and handle storage for all issued clothing and gear. They also have to handle all their travel to/from post. None of this is automatic or done for them. Part of learning to become good officers is knowing how to handle logistics. (The United States Army is one of the largest logistics operations in the world.) Eventually, most of these kids will be providing for and moving troops and equipment from place to place and that includes blankets, pillows, meals, medical, artillery, and a whole lot more. For four years, they are graded and (re)ranked relentlessly on how well they perform these heavy responsibilities, and it starts on drop-off day. From day one, what our officers-in-training have to know and handle beyond academics is humbling. That the government provides them clothes, pillows, and blankets just enables them to concentrate on more important matters. Concern for room decor is trivial and irrelevant in this environment. On that first day, they are learning how to get into those uniforms, march, handle their rifle, address superiors, and say goodbye to hair. Every day thereafter, they are learning to be responsible for the lives of others in the harshest way imaginable. For various reasons, 200-300 of every incoming class won’t make it to graduation. There is no hand holding.
Service academies are a whole different animal and don’t align well to civilian colleges. That I bring up our experience is because it’s all I’ve got. Our son’s choice pretty much ruined my ability to participate conventionally on CC. Dang him! So forgive me if I veer the discussion off-topic occasionally.
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Choatie- I think your post is well timed and people can figure out what does and doesn’t “align” based on their own kids needs. I am saddened and amazed by how incompetent some of the young employees at my company are. Some of them are wicked smart- intellectually capable, well read, write well, etc. but the essentials of daily living seem beyond them sometime. They are SO used to scaffolding and don’t relish the idea that their boss is NOT Mom/Dad.
Just for kicks and giggles- watch the Schitt’s Creek episode where Moira is teaching David how to cook- and the recipe says “Fold in the cheese” and they don’t know what that means. Pre-Covid, that could have been our office manager posting a sign “Please clean out the fridge on Fridays” and the young employees looking mystified (like David) and the Office Manager saying “I just couldn’t be any clearer- Please Clean Out the Fridge”.
So Choatie- thank you for reminding all of us that our military leaders learn from day one how to keep people safe, equipment in its proper place and in working order, etc.
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I wasn’t saying the cadets didn’t need help, but they don’t need it from their parents because it is provided by the military. They have instructions on the choices for their pay, bank accounts, how to store their belongings. They don’t arrive at the academy with 10 boxes of socks and underwear, or even a blanket. For two summers my job was to send the mailings to the naval academy and AFA cadets about their life insurance options. It was pretty easy - sign here or here, list a beneficiary. It was part of their packets and everyone got the same one. Sure, they have to make the decision of who is the beneficiary but I also know it is highly suggested (ordered?) they list their mother and not their girl friend as beneficiary. I think if they came back with anyone other than a parent or grandparent listed as beneficiary, we ‘double checked’ and gave them the chance to reconsider.
Did the boarding school really give the 14 year old a choice of going to the ER ($1600) or the urgent care ($150)? My 18 year old made that mistake. Once. I would have preferred she call me (there was not blood involved in the ‘emergency’). The other was sent to a doctor not on our plan by her coach. Again, live and learn but it cost me a bunch of money. Honestly, the second year dropping my child at school I saw the UC on the way in to town and said “THERE is the place you go to if student health is closed.”
I don’t think a college student needs to buck up and handle everything on her own, but I don’t think the parent needs to do everything either. The OP asked if writing a letter introducing his child is too much? Yes, I think so. For one kid I helped with course selection because she asked and I enjoyed it. For the other, I have no idea what courses she took or when she took them. She followed the order given to her by her department.
My daughter’s boyfriend’s parents were still making his travel arrangements when he was in graduate school. It was easier because they were picking him up and did it for their convenience (NYC so 3 different airport choices and several airlines). The price he pays for not learning to make his own flight arrangements at a younger age is he’s not good at it now, he doesn’t pick the most direct routes and it either takes longer or costs more. He’ll get better at it.
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Heh. Hope springs eternal. My son has a bank account with earned money in it from lifeguarding. He doesn’t have direct access to it, and oddly never asks for any of it to spend, which is kind of bizarre. I wouldn’t want him to spend it all at once, but I wish he could have enjoyed some as a reward. He’ll need access to it for spending money in college.
When I was… I am not sure, 9 or 10? I set up a passbook savings account, the kind where they’d put it in a machine to print deposits and withdrawals into it and track the balance. I had a paper route later and deposited some of that money as well as later a very small amount I got for some software I wrote as a teen. None of it added up to much, but I was always fascinated by money: saving it and earning interest. My son’s nonchalance as both saver and spender is quite strange.
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Y’all clearly haven’t dealt with moving a daughter into a Big Southern University™, have you?
(Seriously, room decorating is almost a competitive sport down there—and BSUs do love their competitive sports.)
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Reminder: The discussion here centers 17- and 18-year-olds, not new hires at a company after having gone through the emergent adulthood experience that is college.
I would expect a 22-year-old college graduate to have more life experience than an 18-year-old freshman due to having more, you know, life experience.
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You missed the connection. They are less capable at 22 because of the events that took place from Ages 18-21
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Roycroft, Bingo.
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Well, I didn’t have parents rich enough to send me to boarding school and I certainly don’t have the money to do that for my kids either.
I’m almost 50 and I know for sure I didn’t know a darn thing about medical insurance at 14 and I learned about it when I graduated college and had to choose my own plan for the first time.
I’m not an idiot and I wasn’t back then either just because I didn’t know everything I know now. Way too many 50 and 60 year olds forgetting how they really learned things back at those ages. Most of us didn’t learn adulting until we had to because the opportunity presented itself.
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But make sure the opportunity does present itself to the student, which can only occur if the parent doesn’t jump in first to manage the issue on their behalf. Employers can really tell the difference among applicants who are used to routinely handling their adult responsibilities, in my experience
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It must vary by industry. I work in tech and I have been stunned at the capability and focus of interns, new college hires, and 20-somethings with a few years of experience and some promotions under their belt. In fact, when I moved out here over 20 years ago with a PhD and just entering the job market at over 30, I was also impressed by many younger employees. What I have noticed in the meantime, though, is greater organizational skills and ambition than at that time (the first dot com boom). I feel like I’m the slacker around many of these go getters.
Well, who knows? There’s a winnowing process and I know I am not working with a representative sample of American youth. Anyway, competence has never been the issue, and it has never been particularly correlated with age in my experience. When I think of youth in the 70s, competence is also not the first word that comes into my head. Some that do are smoking, drugs, and alcohol. It still happens, but I don’t see how it’s worse.
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I have; we lofted the bed, dropped 6 ikea bags and left. I still have no idea what their room looked like last year. I heard they had a string of tardis lights and some leftover Halloween decorations 
D20 and friends definitely weren’t into decorating.
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I am sure you are right,@pbcparent, the average new entry into Google or Goldman Sachs is far more sophisticated and polished than they were 30 years ago. Of course, they beat out 50 others for each position, so had to be. Their less competent peers weren’t hired to begin with.
If some of the kids today, with Google searches and YouTube videos on every conceivable subject at their fingertips, can’t figure out the simple tasks in their daily routines and more, how do they expect to perform academically in college where a bit more brain power is required? Are they in the wrong places?
I concede your point. Either way, I don’t think the issue in this case has to do with parents being over-involved in their kids’ development. While being pushy can backfire, I am pretty sure my kids will have trouble competing at least initially with others whose parents scheduled their lives more than we do. I just don’t want to do it, and I hope there are some advantages of independence over the long haul.
But my other reason for answering as I did is I am really tired of people complaining about millennials and “Gen Z”. I’m from a large family, so I have many nieces and nephews. Some are phenomenally successful, and others are not as much, but doing well after a couple false starts. The people I went to college with (early “Gen X”) were no great shakes in the competence department. Kids aren’t getting worse, though the opportunities may be diminishing for all but the the most ambitious.
I actually find it hard to believe that truly incompetent new employees manage to hold their job very long, since that’s probably the easiest time to fire them.
All of you all complaining about 18-22 year olds know that your parents generation said the same thing about you? No generation in the history of mankind has ever said, “Wow, that next generation really has their act together “.
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Well, maybe not the generation collectively, but I look at my nieces, nephews, and some younger coworkers and come away very impressed by the dedication and passion of the millennials I know. So yeah, that next generation has their act together. I have said it many times and I’ll say it now.
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I actually think the next generation has a lot going for it: invested in political, environmental, and equality issues. Don’t care much about owning a big house, yard, etc. They crave good food and experiences and a simple place to live.
They recognize how messed up the world is in many ways and seem more responsible with alcohol, drugs, sex, STD’s, etc than my generation was at their age.
I’m actually pretty darn impressed with many if not most of my oldest S’s peers.
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I agree completely. They don’t seem as big on car ownership either. The world’s in better hands than the cynical children of the 80s like me.
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