Now, this mild adjustment only occurs during the winter and summer breaks:
You pick up your son or daughter from college for break. Once they get home, you notice that their behavior has changed:
They act more independent
They do whatever they want (staying up later than usual, etc.)
They may have some issues with "living at home" during the break
Did any of your kids struggle with adjusting back to their “home life” during the extended breaks?
On an extra note, if they rarely went home during the weekends or if they stayed at college and only came home for breaks due to a very long commute, then this may be a factor of why some college students struggle with going back and forth from college to home, despite the popular belief of some students who look forward to a weekend visit.
They act more independent because they’re accustomed to being independent at college. It makes sense.
I don’t think it’s realistic to expect kids to adjust “back” to home life during breaks. That would be like going back to high school. They’ve changed.
On the other hand, it may be necessary for them to restrict their lifestyle somewhat. For example, during the long winter break, when college students typically are not working but other family members have their usual commitments to work or school, it may not be acceptable for the college student to stay out late on weekdays because the noise associated with them coming in late would wake other people up.
I don’t expect to be involved with the time another adult ( who wasn’t sleeping in my bed) goes to sleep. Since this is the only concrete example you give of the problem, it makes me wonder if the problem isnt the students attitude but yours.
You can certainly ask that they don’t wake others up. Or that they don’t make a mess… or do anything else that Interferes with you. But they are not a child anymore and shouldn’t be treated like one.
Wouldn’t you be concerned if they weren’t acting more independent?! Surely, that is one of the life tasks of the college student- to transition from dependence to independence? Like most things, though, when we are learning how to do them, it takes practice.
A college student coming home is an adjustment - for everybody. It even changes over the long holidays, and over the college years (tbh, 2 years out of college, my eldest still sometimes reverts back to 'Mom, do you know where my (item) is?"). And how you deal with it varies by kid and household.
With our lot, we try to keep the household going along as it normally is now- b/c it changes as the kids start to peel out. The rhythm of the house is different when you are down to your last HS student, for example (and of course, the ones who have flown are happy to share their opinions on those changes!).
So meal times are at whatever time we are used to, rising/bedtimes are the same- for the residents! for the returning college student, they can keep the hours they want, but they have to be considerate of the rest of the house. The baseline rules are those that we have for visiting family: we expect the courtesy of knowing generally when they are going/coming, we discuss what family activities (including meals) they will/won’t be participating in (and we flag any serious family commitments either before they come home or as soon as they are home, so that we can all plan accordingly). If they want to invite friends over, they check with us (usually we are delighted, b/c we miss their friends too!). etc.
It’s not always easy, but overall it’s pretty great as your chick surprises you with increasingly frequent moments of maturity, independence and capability.
Sta3535, By the time students go to college they’re adults. We want them to become independent. Our children come and go when they want just like any other autonomous adult. We expect them to pitch in with chores and to pick up after themselves, but we taught them to do that wherever they live.
Are you having trouble transitioning between college and home? If you think your parents are being too restrictive you should talk to them about it. What kinds of things are they expecting of you?
@austinmshauri I definitely did not realize that OP was the student. I think then that you’ve pegged it correctly.
My “problem “ when mine came home was with laundry…They wanted to do their own. Well one of them did. Sorry but that is unacceptable. Nobody goes in mamas laundery room but mama! (I know, I know I’m the only one who is possessive of their laundry room…and actually likes doing laundry.)
@maya54 you’re nuts!!! LOL No offense - I hate laundry!!!
I was (happily) surprised how mature my son seemed after his freshman year! That was kind of the whole point of us sending him away - he was never the greatest student, kind of lazy and content to have us prodding him to get stuff done. Our calculated risk paid off when he came home much more grown up!
We did have an issue with the “doing whatever you want” but I don’t care about going to bed late. That worked itself out when he starting working full time in landscaping a few days after getting home for summer. My issue was more of the taking his car to go out to a friend’s, saying he’d be back later, then deciding to sleep over without letting us know. We had a chat - I need to know when you plan on coming home at night, or if you’re sleeping over so I don’t worry all night. It’s been fine since.
@austinmshauri Helping around the house should happen no matter what.
I’m actually having some trouble with staying up late since I’m a night owl. Now, most of you would think that staying up late would be between 12 or 1 am. This should be my normal range, but my normal range is usually between 1 - 3 am.
(3-4 am on bad days)
Now, I’m just wired that way. I’m not the type of person to go to bed & get up early, unless if I have to go to work or class at 8 or 9 am the next day. Also, my work schedule is quite random:
The earliest I can come in for my position is 11 or 11:30 am on weekdays, and 8:30 or 9 am on weekends. Any other time is during the afternoon.
So, my mother wants me to keep a healthy sleeping schedule & the latest she said was midnight. Sure, I can meet her halfway, but she also argues that you’d get more done during the day if you get up early between
8 - 9 am, which is true. She was never like this before, she just told me to not stay up too late, and then went to bed without really enforcing it. I honestly see no harm in it, but since I’m living at home under her roof, I have to follow her rules, which I’ll work on. I’m not moving out just yet because of the cost of living on your own or with roommates.
Is it possible that you are disturbing her sleep by staying up so late? Our youngest son is home for 6 weeks before he starts grad school. We are used to sleeping with our door open but have to close it when he is home. He stays up late and then turns on hall lights to come up stairs. He tries to be quiet but we almost always wake up when he comes home at night. I know he really does try to be considerate, but after not having anyone living with us for 5 years, we have our own routines and it is hard to get used to that extra person again. When our kids go off to college, it is expected that they will develop a new level of independence and their own routines. But it goes both ways- parents also develop a renewed sense of independence after having their lives immeasurably changed years ago when their children came into the world, lol. I am a naturally a night owl like you, OP, so I understand where you are coming from. However, I have had to change my routine a bit since I need to be up at 6 in the morning, so it is tough when our son comes home at 1 or 2 and wakes me up.
Honestly…we didn’t care what time our kids went to bed…but we did expect them not to disturb us in any way in the middle of the night. This meant coming home, leaving home, or making any kind of noise while we were trying to sleep.
If you are disturbing your parents, then really, you need to rethink what you are doing from midnight to 4 a.m.
If what she is really bugged by is seeing you mooch about the house in your jammies at 10am, with a bowl of cereal in one hand, your phone in the other, and your stuff scattered about the house, b/c you were up to 3 playing on electronics, that’s one thing…
…but if your mom just feels that, in principle, being nocturnal is Not A Good Thing, then that’s another ball of wax.
IF you are being a good member of the household, getting to work on time, contributing to the general running of the household, then IMO you can also agree with your mom that while in general early to bed & early to rise does make the day more productive, you are getting done what you are supposed to for this summer- and it is one of the last summers that you will be able to be a bit of a kid, as the full-time work world is waiting for you…
What is it that she wants you to do that you’re not doing? If you go to bed at 3 or 4am and work at 8:30 or 11am, you aren’t doing chores before work. Are you doing them when you get home?
Does your mom know anything about your issues at college? Perhaps she’s strict because you haven’t shown the maturity she expects. Lack of sleep can impair judgment, so it’s important to get enough. If she just wants you to do more than play video games or whatever it is you’re doing until 4am, then start doing it. The actual time you go to bed might not matter if “you get more done during the day.”
“They do whatever they want (staying up later than usual, etc.)”
First of all they have been living on their own for the entire school year. Secondly, they are on vacation (since their main job is being a student).
We encouraged our kids to get a job during summer breaks. Showing up for work and for doctor’s appointments was required. I objected (softly) a couple of times when older daughter was loud enough late enough that it might bother my wife’s sleeping (wife was working the next day). We provide a room for them during breaks, and occasionally take them out to dinner or provide rides where needed.
Otherwise, they are independent.
At some level, having them behave independently while they are under our roof provides some visibility into how they live when there are off at university.
I'm not disturbing her at all. I'm actually pretty quiet because I'm either in the main living room area or downstairs while the rest of the family is sleeping on the 3rd floor.
I only stay up until 3 or 4 am once a week or even less than that. Now, if I worked earlier hours, like 6, 7, or 8 am on a regular basis, then it would help me improve my sleeping patterns. My normal range is between 1 - 2:30 am.
I do chores anytime of the day no matter what time I work. I also have 2 younger bothers who help out as well, so we all do our fair share.
I told my mom about my issues and we talked about it.
Overall, I understand that this adjustment period is only temporary. I feel more calm, focused, and happier at college, which may not be the best thing to say to my parents, but along with sibling rivalry, my youngest brother’s disability, and a few other factors, it’s safe to say that everyone has to deal with something in their lives.
“ I feel more calm, focused, and happier at college, which may not be the best thing to say to my parents, but along with sibling rivalry, my youngest brother’s disability, and a few other factors, it’s safe to say that everyone has to deal with something in their lives.”
As a parent it woukd make me so happy that if you had issues at home you found happiness living independently.
With eldest, the most startling difference was that first winter break (we hadn’t seen her in 4 months.) She came home talking fast and loud and her first instinct was to push us into debating things we could care less about. I finally just called her out on it and she pulled back. She never came home like that again. She was always independent but her confidence grew and she stopped asking me for guidance she clearly didn’t need. She started voluntarily doing chores which we didn’t require from her.
I’m curious as to what son will be like come his first winter break. We had a surprise baby 2 years ago and that’s really softened everyone back up.
I’m now several years out of undergrad but my default sleep schedule is still like 4 AM - noon. I still do just as much around the house as anyone else and work full time. Some people are just like that. My mother is a morning person and it used to bother her that my dad and I were night owls. Now, she greatly enjoys those 6 hours before my dad (and I if I’m visiting) wake up.
Anyway, as long as you’re doing your fair share around the house, I’m not sure that your mom would have much to complain about. Are you working? If not, does she think you should’ve gotten a summer job?
It seems late in the season for this to be coming up. Aren’t you going back to school soon?