<p>Both of my parents have health problems (diabetes and back), and they insist that it is greedy for my to leave to college when they have problems. I am a big help around the house (cook, clean, drive siblings around), but I really want to go to college, I have been planning this for years.</p>
<p>Their main argument is that I have a good life at home and that college will only benefit ME and not the family. I do help around but I don't want to just go and get a job and stay at home.</p>
<p>Am I right to want to leave for college or is it truly greedy to go? </p>
<p>No, of course it is not greedy (or selfish, or any other number of adjectives). I’m not knocking your parents because I don’t know their motivations, but I heard similar arguments from my own. They’re tactics that desperate, scared, or selfish parents use themselves to try to get their child to do what they want them to do.</p>
<p>It’s wonderful that you take care of your parents, but the way I see it, you’re only going to become more able to care for them, not less, if you attend college. For example, my own mother (who I love dearly) made some poor financial choices throughout her life and I am about 99% sure that she won’t have enough money to survive in her retirement without assistance. Luckily, I have a graduate degree, decent career prospects, and can potentially help care for her financially. If I hadn’t attended college I doubt I would have the potential to do so. On average, college grads make a lot more money than HS grads.</p>
<p>Also - it’s totally okay to do something that will only benefit YOU and not your family at your age. You’re a young adult, and this is your time to improve and work on your own career goals. Your parents can learn to take care of themselves, as they are also adults. (Again, I am assuming that their diabetes is not especially debilitating or anything. There are literally millions of people who live with diabetes and can care for themselves just fine; my aging grandparents have it, too.)</p>
<p>Do you have high stats? In a similar situation, the only way I could get out was to get a full merit scholarship. That way, I was able to go to college without relying on my parents at all, which meant that I could do what I wanted. You could also go to a top college that gives excellent financial aid - these places are competitive, but if you have the stats that’s an option too.</p>
<p>Remind your parents that you weren’t always the driver. Your siblings will eventually be able to take on that responsibility along with the other household chores you have been covering. If your siblings don’t have any cooking or cleaning skills yet, then it is time for your parents to make sure that they are learning those skills. Perhaps you can cut gradually cut back on these things while your siblings learn how to do them.</p>
<p>Even if you have never been in an airplane, you’ve surely seen a version of the safety video about putting the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on other people. As juillet expressed so well in the post above, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. The long range benefits of higher education for you almost certainly out-weigh any small advantages in the present that would come from you staying home and not getting a college degree.</p>
<p>In your discussions with your parents about the future, find out what their real concerns are. Is there no money available for your education? Do they think that your siblings will poison them and let the house fall to pieces? Is the real reason because you are a girl and they think that education is only for boys? Their answers to these questions and others that you come up with on your own will help inform your personal plan of action. And yes, in some family situations the best deal all around can be for a student to live at home and commute to a local community college or 4-year college or university.</p>
<p>If it’s greedy or selfish to go off to college, will it also be greedy or selfish to go off and get married and have a family of your own? I know this is a cultural thing, but the one’s being greedy and selfish are your parents, not you.</p>
<p>I know of a situation of a family with a lot of kids, immigrant family. The youngest daughters were expected to stay and take care of the parents, rather than go and have their own lives. They’ve had to stay at home, not married, as the mother has been “dying” for the last 25 years. They’ve given up just about everything for this parent, including the chance at having a life on their own, with children, all due to the expectations that were put upon them and they were unable to get the courage to move past. If it’s not one thing, it’s going to be another, you have to move on unless you want to be trapped at home the rest of your life.</p>
<p>It is greedy for a parent to put their own needs ahead of their child’s. If your ambitions are sensible, and you can support yourself in these goals, you should keep on pursuing your dreams. Your short time at college can pay massive dividends - that you can then possibly share with your family.</p>
<p>If you want to spend money that the family can’t afford, or are pursing a non-viable course (e.g. going off to accrue a huge debt at a non-accredited school) then perhaps your parents have a point. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t say it’s greedy. If things were severe or life threatening, I could see a parent asking an adult child to stay local and help with younger siblings. Most would feel pretty awful for asking but sometimes you sacrifice for family. However, you aren’t talking about terminal cancer or permanent paralysis, lack of ability to hire help, ect. It doesn’t sound like a short-term request either.</p>
<p>Are you paying for college yourself then? Certainly, if that is the case, they have no say whatsoever in what you do. </p>
<p>Years ago, my cousin got into the Ivy of his choice but my uncle wouldn’t let him go because my uncle needed him to stay at home, attend the local public university, and take care of his younger siblings. (My aunt had a lot of medical problems.) My uncle could have figured out other ways to take care of the younger kids (who were teenagers, not toddlers) but it was easiest for him (selfish, you could say) to have my cousin do it. My cousin is now in his mid-60s and still resents having missed his golden opportunity. I hope this doesn’t happen to the OP. </p>
<p>The parents are being very self centered/greedy/selfish… Also very short sighted. Not going to college means a lot of lost income later. With your college degree you will be much more able to help them financially when they undoubtedly can use it. Good parenting pays forward, thinks of the next generation. I also can never see any situation where an older child should be expected to give up their future to do the parents’ job of raising younger siblings. </p>
<p>Staying at home will only benefit THEM- what do they have to say about that? You don’t owe your parents anything just because they chose to bring you into the world and then also chose to have other children. You serve your siblings best by being the good example of growing up and leaving home for more education and your own life.</p>
<p>btw- you do NOT have a good life at home now.</p>
<p>OP, are your parents saying you’d be greedy to go to college at all, or are they arguing in favor of you going to a college where you could live at home and commute?</p>
<p>Are they paying for your college at all? If they have the ability to refuse to pay for something they don’t want you to do, you don’t have a lot of choice there.</p>
<p>But the answer to your question is no, you are not being greedy or selfish to want to go to college. If you expect your parents to pay more than they can afford and they would have to go into huge debt to pay for you to attend an expensive college, then yes, that is selfish. But just wanting to leave the home where you grew up in order to go to college is not selfish.</p>
<p>This sounds like a cultural thing. Are your parents immigrants? I don’t mean to stereotype, but similar issues are brought to this forum fairly often and often the parental perspective is cultural, and the student’s is more typical of the U.S. Sometimes I suggest a counselor who understands this kind of situation who could meet with all parties and mediate.</p>
<p>Will your parents allow you to go regardless? I hope so.</p>
<p>We have diabetes and back problems in our family and I cannot imagine expecting a child to take care of them, nor would that be necessary. Much of it is self-care, and there are also professionals who can help with all aspects of care, whether MD or physical therapist or nurse or home health aide. It would be good if a social worker or other person could help your family access the care that you are providing.</p>
<p>Frankly they are the ones being “greedy” in that they are saying that you should only do things which benefit the “family” (which really means them in this case).</p>
<p>Actually, you’re being generous by thinking of ways to be useful to your family LONG TERM. Another sibling can take on the role of driver or they can learn how to take the bus. It’s high time your siblings learn how to cook if they can’t do it. If they’re too young, it’s your PARENTS’ job, not yours, to take care of their children. You’re not their mother. Your primary responsibility is in working toward a future that will allow you to have a good job and a good salary, and overall a satisfying life. It’s your right to pursue an education if you have the grades. That’s what this country is about - if you’re smart and work hard, you are allowed to go farther than your parents. That may scare them or make them fear you won’t come back - reassure them you’ll come back (DO NOT give specifics such as “for each break” or “every summer” since you may have a job or an internship, or they may not understand how college “works”!), tell them explicitely that you will always be proud of them, that you won’t forget where you come from, and you’ll do your best to show the way for your other siblings as a role model of achieving part of “the American dream” (which, nowadays, often requires a college education unless you’re interested in being a plumber or electrician).
If that matters to them, tell them going to college 1° means you’ll make more money over your lifetime, which will come in handy if they get old and sick. If they feel weak now, how will it be 30 years from now? It’s better you help them then (when they’re weakest), than now (when they should have enough basic autonomy to do basic things for themselves and your siblings.) 2° means you’re more likely to meet a “good husband” (or, if you’re a boy, a “good wife”); your odds of, say, marrying a doctor are MUCH lower if you’re only a high school graduate. Culturally this may sway them </p>
<p>I suspect that they like you doing all of these tasks and either can’t or don’t want to take them on themselves.</p>
<p>You should talk to your guidance counselor and tell them of the issue. If your parents are medically incapacitated, then perhaps the counselor can refer them to a social worker that maybe able to find help.
Do you belong to a house of worship? Then perhaps you can get help from their.
Can your siblings help out? How old are they? Can they learn to get rides with friends?</p>
<p>The fact that they don’t want you to leave for college is all the more reason you should. You need to gain independence so you can work toward a degree and career. I would be careful about saying you want to get a good job so you can help with their bills…they may take you up on that.</p>
In my opinion, whatever helps OP get to college is good. Because, see above. S/he needs to become independent. Once s/he is independent, helping parents out becomes a choice. And it’s a choice s/he will be free to make once s/he has the profession and the salary. “to take you up on that” doesn’t matter, if a 40 year old doesn’t want to help pay for parents’ retirement, perhaps because they’re saving for their children’s education and because the parents didn’t contribute to the 40 year old’s college, that’s another choice. But not one that needs to be discussed right now, as OP is trying to get her/his parents to let him/her attend college.</p>
<p>Honeybeezz, what’s your GPA? Your SAT/ACT score? Have you taken any AP Class or exam? Which college(s) are you aiming for?</p>
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