We told her that if she didn’t bring her GPA up to a 2.75 that she was going to have to come home and attend a local university.
You have already told her what you are going to do. Why are you wrestling with doing this?
She is calling herself an adult but refusing to act like one.
Well, she’s on academic probation now right? If she doesn’t turn things around then the school will make that decision for you guys I’m guessing. You won’t even have to be the bad guy! If she does turn things around in the eyes of the school, I’d be inclined to let her return but I would be expecting her to work in the summer to cover books, supplies and entertainment. If she doesn’t earn the money for that then she won’t be able to return.
If she gets booted her option, in my opinion, would be home, work, community college only if interested (as she’s likely got plenty of GE’s left before transferring to another university.) If she wants to stay in college town then she’s on her own.
@okiemom13, YOU can’t motivate her. Only she can do that. She was an honor student and her GPA is below a 2.75 because she won’t go to class or do the work? Wow. I’d quit paying for her education. You might suggest to her that she requests an official leave of absence so she has time to get a job and save money to pay for her education at whatever university she can afford to attend. That’s what adults do.
This is open and shut case, if you work hard for the money to send her there and she is unwilling to do likewise, stop paying. I would tell her she is welcome to come home and finish her degree, but SHE is paying for her next semester, and if that means working a year to save up, so be it. If she does that and pulls good grades, then you can offer to pay the rest ( if you want) She needs to grow up and get a dose of reality. My son is F next fall, the ground rules have already been laid…3.0 or your coming home (he has all year to get this, plus he has merit $ requiring a 3.0). I have to foot the entire $40k per year from my labor, I work my butt off for that, so should he.
Plus I might add if your not getting a 3.0 or higher, you are wasting time and money. A reasonable effort and this is not hard to do, and if it IS hard to do with reasonable effort, your in over our head in choice of study
I disagree with the above statement. A student’s GPA, mores if they’re a junior and senior, is a reflection upon their entire coursework. Rough patches can happen and it’s hard to overcome if a student doesn’t have a significant time or ability to pull out a string of As to counter the past. I would just stress on growth and improvements rather than pushing a black and white statement.
Is there any possibility of some learning/psychological disorders, ADD, depression etc?
Intelligent and talented kids who grossly underperform in school are often characterized as lazy – until they’re diagnosed. They get through high school because there’s oversight and the work is still easy enough for them to manage – but then they fall apart once they’re in a less structured college environment. This happened to my son. Do talk to your daughter to make sure. Is she trying, but unable to focus? Is she sleeping/eating enough? Has she thought about counseling? Reaching out to her calmly, with respect – the way you’d talk to another adult – could build trust and open communication that will help you gain some insight into her story.
She could be lazy, undisciplined and simply immature. OR it could be that her poor school performance is a result of other issues – issues which she may not fully understand herself, but which a trained professional could help her address.
BTW, sorry you’re going through this. As a mom who has as well – I feel for you.
Avoid the “rough patch” in the first place by taking it seriously and working.
Thing is, a break from school can work or not work. And when you lay a line in the sand, I think it helps to have a very solid read of your kid, what motivates her and how much you can play the bad guy.
And as per katiamom says, could be something else in play, so it would make sense to rule those things out
My brother in law who CANNOT afford to pay his bills allowed his daughter to remain at school for four years, every year it was the sample thing, failed classes and excuses. I could not believe they kept allowing her to go back year after year when they didn’t have a pot to piss in. She did not graduate and is now living at home, finally working to save enough money to pay to finish her degree at a local college where they can keep an eye on her. You can’t enable your children because then they grow up to become adults that never really grow up.
^^ I don’t see any correlation between your anecdote and OP’s situation. OP clearly wants to set expectations and follow through with them.
If my kids lose their merit money, I can’t really afford to send them to the schools they are in. The required gpa changes for each scholarship (one has 5, one has 4), but I don’t think they are that hard to maintain if DDs are working hard.
I’d have no problem telling either that she’d have to come home if I didn’t think the effort was there, but I wouldn’t have to, the finances would. In the OP’s situation, I think they’ve given their daughter several chances to bring her grades up, to try different majors, to get up and go to class. I’d pull the plug, for now. Summer at the college near home, and if no improvement, the fall too.
Have you thought about talking to the BF and letting him know that if she doesn’t do well then she won’t be there anymore?
Does she need to get a 2.75 this semester, or does she need to bring her cumulative gpa up to a 2.75 this semester? If she’s already on probation, then what happens is out of your hands and completely in hers.
I feel for you. We had a similar issue - and did not agree on how to handle it. I was in the tough love camp, but H felt a degree is really important and was afraid our child would gladly drop out and never go back, so wanted to give more chances than I did. (Like you, high school grades were great and this was not what we expected.) We ended up giving that chance to stay, and things improved. Now at the end of junior year, the finish line is in sight and that has proved to be a good motivator.
The other thing is, you can’t make a young adult come back home. When they like their independence, they will often do anything to keep it. If school is taken away, either by the school or parents, she may decide to stay where she is and get a job, or move to where her bf is and get a job there. Good luck - this is a tough one.
Katlimom,I can assure you, expectations were set for year one,two, three and four for my niece. While I agree that my family’s situation was more serious because they could not afford to send their daughter to college, the correlation is that she kept failing to live up to expectations and they kept making similar threats. I just wanted to lend support to this mom who may have to face the decision to actually go through with her threat should her daughter not get the requisite GPA. I really hope her daughter is able to succeed. By the way, my niece is doing very well and is working very hard to save her money to finish her degree.
Working (and possibly getting fired) could serve her well. If she wants adult privileges, she’ll need to take on adult responsibilities as well, such as being able to earn enough to support herself.
Banks pull the plug on non-performing loans if they don’t see the results that they are expecting. They don’t extend more credit. That’s the adult world. She’ll have to learn what living in that world means.
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She skips class and would rather spend time with her boyfriend
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The boyfriend is at another college which is a couple hours away. This problem at OU will not go away as long as they’re a couple. She’s spending the night there and not getting her fanny back to classes.
When she’s saying she’s “an adult”, what she’s saying is that she’s over 18 and she has a right to a sex life. lol
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You have a right to put contingencies in your money. She should take a semester off and work to earn her own $. Tough love. So sorry you are going through this .