@mom2collegekids, LOLOLOL. Good point!
It’s ideal (from the perspective of parents) if all 20 year-olds had 30 year-old brains, but that’s not the case.
How is she getting to the boyfriend’s campus if it’s 30 minutes away? If she has a car, I’d be inclined to go get it. That might make it a little more difficult for her to be someplace where she can’t get to class.
I’d look at it this way: a sub 2.75 GPA is unlikely to lead to a diploma or a job. If your daughter came to you and asked for whatever amount you’re paying/year to go spend a year hanging out and living part-time with her boyfriend, would you give it to her? That’s what she’s doing with it. I think PurpleTitan has a very good point. If she had a paying job where she had to show up every day, be on time, and do the work or get fired it would probably be a good thing for her.
I’m in the camp of “let her stay”. We’ve been in your shoes, too. At the end of his first semester, DS1 had a 1.0 GPA and on probation. We debated whether to bring him home, but decided not to because 1) we didn’t want to live with him and he had no means of self support 2) he would resent us and we know our life would be miserable with him at home and 3) let the natural consequences take over and let the school kick him out at the end fo the year…then he can’t resent us and we wouldn’t have “ruined his life”, it could only blame himself…
Well, he managed to get a 3.0 that spring semester. He is now in his 3rd year (and behind). He’s never been on probation again, buth as had to withdraw from a couple classes and has received a couple D’s. We decided that there was no good reason to bring him home if he could stay in school. I think a college education is important, and we felt if we brought him home, he’d probably never go back? What would he do, who would he hang out with? The college enviroment with go-getters was the environment we wanted him in and I think it’s finally working. He’s matured considerably since that first year, or even a year ago really. He’s finally listening to us and is investigating a major that I’ve recommended. It will probably be 5 years in college, but that’s ok. You CAN’T motivate them, they will do it on their own…and sometime not.
2nd story…me. I was a great high school student, lousy college student. Had the brains, no motivation. I played ALL the time, but still somehow managed to graduate in 4 years with an accounting degree. Took me 7 months to land a job. Thank goodness my parent didn’t pull me out because my GPA wasn’t as high as they wanted. I’ve been a great worker, and went back at 30 years old to night school to get my M.B.A that my company paid for. Got all A’s and one B.
Leave your daughter where she is. She’s not on probation, she’s not flunking out. Not getting into the school she wants will be punishment enough. Perhaps sooner rather than later, she’ll look around at her friends getting ahead and say “what the hell am I doing”. or she’ll change majors. Bringing her home isn’t solving anything, I think you will make matters worse. Just my opinion.
OP said in her original post that her daughter IS on probation.
I suppose leaving a failing student in school is an option if you can afford to pay for a 5th or 6th year, or if you can pay for the retakes of all the F courses, or if you can full pay for whatever college will take them as a transfer when they flunk out of wherever they started as a freshman. I’d rather my kid take a leave of absence for a year to work and gain some maturity, then try again.
I think there’s also something to be said for follow-through. This is not a freshman. This student has been given two years, 4 semester’s worth of chances, and now Mom and Dad have already said they need to pull the plug. While I agree, they can’t “make” her come home, they cannot continue to fund this school for a kid who is (or at least was) on probation and has now not been accepted into her major, no doubt adding more time and money to the college bill as she tries again or selects a new one. She’s also already taking out loans. If we’re talking full direct amounts, she’s going to hit the aggregate limits before the end of year 5. And then what? Best do the financial damage control now.
I think this is a pretty simple as far as decisions go. Stick to your earlier decision, OP. You HAVE offered a second chance (local college), which is plenty generous. It’s not as if you are threatening to keep her finishing school.
I’d make it clear that I wasn’t paying for summer courses to make up for failed grades, nor for more than four years of college. But if she stays off probation she can stay put. I had a kid with a sub 3.0 for a while - it wasn’t for lack of trying and we knew exactly what the issues were. He was on the Dean’s List senior year.
OP, what is your opinion of her BF? Is he self-motivated, is he keeping up with his college work (I realize you may have no idea), is he a decent fellow that can see beyond the college life and work hard to achieve his goals?
Will your D choose BF over her own education? If so, when she flunks out, she may choose to look for ways to stay close to BF and drop college for now. Not sure there is anything you can do to stop her, unless you can set up some great plan for her at home. Any connections for a good job, or living situation with a relative or friend near you?
Is BF toxic, and if so, you may want to meet with a counselor for you and your spouse to learn constructive ways to deal with the situation. If the BF is not toxic, you may have to ride this wave until D decides she wants education more than she wants to just hang out with BF.
Sorry you are having to deal with this.
What does your D think the problem is? Does she have a plan (other than having you pay)?
Was there another reason than pure laziness that she made an F in the gen ed class? Once you have an F in your transcript your GPA will probably never recover. Anyway to retake the class and replace the grade bring the GPA up to acceptable level?
You say she was an honor student in HS–did she work much to get the grades or did she skate through? Has her behavior changed much from the kid you used to know?
How is the BF doing in school?
As others have said, she may not have any choices soon if she’s on probation already but without a major or goal in mind it won’t matter anyways. Did she really want to be a teacher or was that just an easy (or not so easy) option?
If she really did want it then explore ways to raise the GPA and it’s up to her. If she wants to play then it’s her dime and she needs to get a job and maybe try again later.
You can’t afford to get further in debt unless something is being accomplished.
I thought she was just on probation to get into the school of education, not on probation at the university.
If the 2.75 is B-, that seems high, unless it is about the major.
We were there with D2, in soph year. Her gpa was way below 2.75, but not on probation. Her original stem major didn’t work out, she felt like crap about college, wanted to drop out. We told her she was staying as long as the school would have her. Her ego had taken a major hit, from losing that major and the grades, so we dealt with this from that ego perspective, stopped thinking, “but here’s how she did in hs” or “so what’s your new major?” For us, this was about restoring confidence and finding a path she could like. The one caveat was, lose your FA and we’re all sunk.
So she explored during first sem of jr year, took some very easy classes and one course that, knowing her, I pushed for. That did lead to her new major and a minor. Never did get a good gpa (she did well on papers and projects, not exams, and the school was tough on final grading,) but she’s well educated, was deeply interested in what she declared and learned in depth. In our case, she had enough of the Gen Eds done that I knew she had time to complete a new non-stem major, without a 5th year.
Not everyone fits into the same blocks. It can be tough to need to set a new major at the beginning of 2nd year- and then love it. Our case wasn’t about indulging her- but just to say, get a job and pay your own way isn’t always realistic. Or the motivator they need.
A 2.00 to 2.75 GPA can lead to graduation, but employers recruiting new graduates may have a minimum GPA (reputedly often 3.00) to do initial screening for interviews, so a low GPA graduate will have a harder time finding the first job.
Thank you for that clarification, @ucbalumnus.
Agree. A subpar GPA will make it tougher to get a job, but it can be done. I had a subpar GPA, even back when I graduated.
I do not have a very good opinion regarding the BF. His grades are also not so good and he has not decided on a major yet. From what I have been told he spends a lot of time playing video games. He works one night a week at a fast food job. (at least he does something…right?) Our last communication with him was not good and he is no longer allowed in our home.
I realize that we can’t make her move back home. She can get a job and stay there or move in with her BF.
She has always wanted to be a teacher. Her first major was music education. She is on probation with the school of education as a pre-admit, not with the university. If her cumulative GPA is not a 2.75 at the end of this semester then she will not be admitted and is at risk of being dropped as a pre-admit.
I never thought we would be in this situation. We are just very sad and disappointed. She loves the university and being part of the bands. It was always her dream to march for the university and it is truly the one thing that I hate to see her have to leave.
Can that be used as motivation some how?
“When you don’t feel like doing something, think of the bands you have to give up if you don’t.”
OP- she may love the university and everything ancillary associated with it (social life, band, etc) but at the end of the day, college is about getting an education, not about being entertained for four years.
I think you need to take a step back. If you think you can get her to knuckle down and get to work by sheer force of your love (and osmosis) guess again. There are some kids who can maintain an active social life and get by academically- and in the back of your D’s head she’s probably got some magic thinking going on that she’s one of them-- but the results seem to indicate that this is not the case.
Try to put your sadness and disappointment aside (or discuss them with a close friend/therapist). Staying at college just to be within commuting distance of a BF and just to perform in the band might not be the best path for her if she’s not ready to focus on academics.
It is such a change in freedom and self-scheduling. It may be useful to have her meet with a coach (such as an ADHD coach) to instill new patterns into her routine. It may take only 1-2 months to model for her and enforce a proper sleep, class attendance, homework, and socializing schedule. Expensive, but maybe a good value?
Take away the car. The BF can drive the 30 minutes to OU instead of the other way around.
Good luck.
I would stop payment on the checks and change the locks at home.
“I would stop payment on the checks and change the locks at home.”
Eh? What has the daughter done that is so horrible her parents would do something so drastic as lock her out of their home? I could understand a parent doing that in only the most extreme circumstances - like a drug addicted child who steals from them to pay for their habit. You would lock a child out just because they were goofing off and grades were suffering? This is one of the more bizarre things I have ever read on CC.
She failed a class by not showing up. If there were a medical issue, or depression, etc. I could accept it, and try to help her deal with it.
Apparently my husband and I are are more strict than other parents.
We have told our kids that we will always support them as long as they give their best effort, and if they don’t respect us nor themselves enough to give their best, then they will have to figure it our on their own.
We don’t care about the results, we care about the effort.