<p>My post got crossed in the mail–obviously you’ve tried the friend route. Don’t YOU get totally discouraged! There is a light at the end of the tunnel.<br>
Stuff him in the car on the road to somewhere and stay light–see if he won’t open up on some subject–sports, friends, his favorite video games or music. Conversations with no pressure or other distractions. No opinions from you on anything (unless totally innocuous–some Lady GaGa opinion for instance) Hopefully, eventually he’ll sit still long enough to listen to some of your concerns about him without shutting you out immediately.</p>
<p>OP,
I am sorry for not having gone through the whole history of your posting. My question may have been asked before: Do you think your relashionship with your H had anythign to do with your son’s current status?
I have seen several smart kids in my life who went into the deep end when family broke up.</p>
<p>To answer your question which is the lead in to this thread, probably not. This is the type of problem where there are no sure fire answers. We try different things and hope they work. Even if something works, it’s not something that will work again, have worked earlier, and it may not have worked at all–it might just have been timing and other events. </p>
<p>But really, take care of yourself so that you can be strong and able if you need to be with your son if further issues arise. Also, you too, have a life. If you can’t afford a private counselor, and if you can you’ll probably go through a number before finding the right one, go to AlAnon where many other parents are struggling with problems their loved ones are having and they do not want to enable, and they need help to just keep on going.</p>
<p>Continued thanks for all the inputs.</p>
<p>I’m also interested if anyone is familiar with any residential treatment programs for depression that are NOT related to those taking drugs.</p>
<p>Sorry, I missed this, but is he 18 yet?
The RTC’s are often not ‘categorical.’ Your son is addicted to technology so it is really not that different, in some important ways ,from substance use and addiction. I wouldn’t presume that addiction related work would not be useful for him. Depressed teens lose interest in things that previously brought them pleasure, and are typically not so social and are not able to ramp up and act ‘normally’ around their friends… </p>
<p>If your son is not 18 you have more control, otherwise I think that money or lack thereof is your only leverage…</p>
<p>Seems to me that you need to put a security code on your router so he has no unsupervised online access. If he doesn’t like it, he can move out.</p>
<p>It seems that one of the most important items on the agenda is to get him to a doctor, which he refuses to do. The only leverage that the parents have will come at the time when H says that S has to leave. If OP lets S move back in with her, then he’ll just keep on doing what he is doing. </p>
<p>What does S’s therapist say besides the fact that you are being too hard on him? Anything about what to DO?</p>
<p>So sorry this is continuing. I didn’t go back over the old thread, but saw it before. </p>
<p>Thing is, you have to have counselors who specialize in kids this age. Sounds like he might. If he doesn’t, it may be critical to get one involved. Someone whose primary experience is with pediatric or adult may not “get” some of the unique developmental and other pressures on a college-age kid, may not have the full experience to know how and where to draw lines. We moved one of ours to a psychiatrist who specializes in college-age and it has been a wonder. This doc routinely deals with bright but underperforming (for various reasons) kids. Easiest way to find one is to contact a local U’s health center. Call around untill someone recommends a few.</p>
<p>YOU need this, too. The counseling field is too big and bulky for any one person to be tops in all behavior ranges, possible solutions and know when extreme measure are called for. Your own therapist may be great with your own adult issues and less savvy about options for your son’s particulars. </p>
<p>Also, did you ever get a satisfactory report that none of this is related to the head injury? Good luck. It is too hard to deal with our kids when we see them headed the wrong way.</p>
<p>Is there a way to “bargain” a bit? I’m thinking gaming access could be linked to cooperation for medical exam, therapy appts etc. (I’m not crazy about this approach, but you don’t have much other leverage.) </p>
<p>There was a time where our D was staying up way too late web surfing. We had to put her laptop (and cellphone) in our room at night. We didn’t do it a lot, but it caught her attention.</p>
<p>Yes there are residential treatment programs for depression (bipolar, other disorders) separate from substance abuse/addictions.</p>
<p>If he is over 18, the only way to get him there is if he is a danger to himself or others.</p>
<p>Good point about the head injury that someone made. Minor head trauma can do all sorts of things, subtle and unsubtle, though this is not always recognized by providers.</p>
<p>Sometimes an ultimatum (as in, you cannot live her unless you stop hiding in your room, playing video games, and start doing xxxx) results in the kid leaving, which can be risky, but then when they come back, they are much more compliant. It can be worth it if done with mutual courtesy, with firmness not anger etc. etc. but is not worth it if it destroys a relationship or, obviously, if it results in harm to the son.</p>
<p>Perhaps, when he faces going back to school, he will be more receptive to therapy/meds, either because he really wants to go, or because he doesn’t.</p>
<p>
The son doesn’t live with her. But it’s always a good idea to secure your router.</p>
<p>I hope the best for your son and you. your son’s situation and your situation is difficult to read, it’s tough stuff.</p>
<p>I hope you don’t view this as an attack but as something to consider. A radical change in a child’s behavior maps almost exactly to the events leading up to a divorce. From coloring their hair, to drugs, to dropping out of everything…children desperately want their parents to love each other, it’s how they understand their existence in a healthy light. Their parents love for each other is well, everything to them. </p>
<p>Because those two people, aka the parents, made the child.</p>
<p>I think your child’s problem, excluding illness, is about love.</p>
<p>My parents separated when I was in HS. In situations where this sudden, perhaps it could result in radical teen child behavior. But if it was similar to my situation where it was obvious all through childhood that the parents (both wonderful people) had a lot of incompatibility, then it would be less likely to be a big factor.</p>
<p>pacheight, this is most emphatically NOT the OP’s fault, and I hope that your unhelpful opinion doesn’t make her think that it is. The last thing she needs is an unwarranted guilt trip.</p>
<p>OP, no advice from this corner, but hugs to you.</p>
<p>I’m new here, and have hesitated to post anything because I feel like an interloper in this painful saga. However several things jump out at me as I have read through the posts:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Did the changes you observed in your S coincide with the diabetes diagnosis? For many people, and especially a young person, news of a lifelong illness can trigger deep depression and risk taking behavior. An attitude of “nothing matters” takes over when the person is forced to accept their mortality and vulnerability. </p></li>
<li><p>Perhaps I have missed it in the posts, but you haven’t mentioned the perspective of the older siblings on the issue. They know your S better than anyone, and they grew up in the same environment. Do they feel he is just going through a rough patch, or are they also alarmed at the changes in his personality?</p></li>
<li><p>Any hope of progress through residential treatment or counseling will fail until your S acknowledges he has a problem and expresses a desire for professional help. The only time to intercede with involuntary treatment is when you feel that suicide is a real possibility. If it has gotten to that point you should call your doctor or the local hospital for an action plan should a crisis occur. Psychiatric wards in hospitals vary in quality and some are known to discharge patients too soon. That said, I don’t get the impression from your posts that your son is suicidal. He still enjoys the company of his friends, which is a very good sign. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>Many of us have read these posts and thought, “there but for the grace of God go I”, so we are rooting for your family and for safe passage through this dark period.</p>
<p>i’m not suggesting fault.</p>
<p>I am saying that when parents spilt it has a huge effect on most kids, evidently not all as colorado points out that it didn’t bother her, but who here believes that most kids are not seriously effected??</p>
<p>Again, REALLY unhelpful.</p>
<p>Lasma-- Thank YOU! For the love of g-d – the kid isn’t giving me a guilt trip or going to manipulate me in that direction. I was a great parent-- involved, loving, supportive – whatever twisted emotional response he has-- I have no apologies to provide to my S for where he has landed.</p>
<p>Pacheight-- you’re off base here. The kid has underlying issues and these surfaced nearly two years ago. Divorce didn’t pop up on the radar until a few months ago. </p>
<p>Momsquad-- my intuition keeps bringing me back to the insulin issues and the head injury. I’m convinced the onset was biochemical but the young man refuses any type of follow up. It would be so easy to get a thyroid or insulin diagnosis and with meds the mood issues with be under control. That’s easier to manage than learning that depression requires anti-depressants.
Interesting point on olding sib. Older sibling feels it’s all in his head-- he’s just an immature kid who needs to get some help. Doesn’t by the depression diagnosis. Even went to one of the family sessions when home from school. Thought it a bunch of junk-- but this kid is math-physics major and finds that type of “soft” stuff completely unscientific. We’ve had many discussions-- and sib truly feels the kid just needs to grow up and will be fine.</p>
<p>All I know is that the past several weeks living with D have landed a reversed sleep cycle again day/night switch-- and lots of ridiculous nonsense on FB (I see these posts through another friend’s page - he unfriended me years ago).</p>
<p>got it! paraphrasing OP and LasMa: “this child’s problems have nothing to do with his parents divorcing.”</p>
<p>raising kids is way to complicated to place blame or fault on any one thing or person (unless it’s radical), so I don’t think anything is your fault. However the boy’s life experience is with mom, dad, family, teachers, and friends, these are the the influences on him. So if his problem is emotional and not medical than these experiences are where you look for resolution or understanding…things that can be helpful in getting him back on track.</p>
<p>A family therapist will take all this in to account, and they’ll look to the obvious and well studied causes of behavioral problems first, #1 on the behavioral-problem hit parade is divorce. And it’s more often the family dynamics, often years, prior to the actual split.</p>
<p>I think if you could get all the three of you (mom, dad, son) into therapy together (same room with a well respected family therapist) it might really do wonders! good luck!</p>
<p>*Older sibling feels it’s all in his head-- he’s just an immature kid who needs to get some help. Doesn’t by the depression diagnosis. *</p>
<p>And, as much as I know about psychology, I thought my kid’s issues were totally controllable, if she would simply choose to. I thought she had to grow up and get real, make wiser choices. I am still in the middle of a reversal of thought. The initial counselors she saw, likewise, worked on “family context” and “school pressures” and “lifestyle choices.” Okay, sure, sometimes it is that. But, OP is describing something far more worrisome than a period of depression or dressing “emo” or shirking responsibilities. </p>
<p>I didn’t believe this could be physiological until the psychiatrist convinced me to put her on a particular Rx. (First, tried a few usual meds, in stages.) For D, the last try was the winner. Now, we just work on getting her to remember to take it. SHE even feels the difference. </p>
<p>Please consider finding (for you) someone who specializes in this age group, even if it’s just for a consult or a short series of visits to help you understand your options. The difference between how my therapist helped me view things and advised me, versus the few convs I had with the youth psychiatrist, is night and day. (In our case, my D’s doc was willing to discuss a few generalities, while maintaining D’s confidentiality. If we needed more, she was willing to suggest a peer; we would have started parallel counseling, where the two docs speak.)</p>