Is this friendship toxic?

Student Lounge College Life
1

I have a friend who I’ve known since my first year at college. I am graduating soon, and unfortunately last semester she made the decision to withdraw from school, mostly because she couldn’t decide on a major and felt as though she was wasting her time/money. Since then, the basis of our friendship has dramatically changed and I’m at a loss.

My school is about an hour away from where she lives, so she does visit every now and then, however the last few months she’s been doing something I don’t even have a label for.

We’ll make plans, have everything lined up, and then the day of (or, more accurately, an hour before), she’ll ask “Do I still come?” after not having brought up the plans for a week or so. Even though I’ve arranged for times, cleaned my apartment for her to stay, and planned out where we’ll eat, etc she’ll inevitably bail. However, recently she has been instigating fights alongside these broken plans.

Last night, she asked me if I would be attending a concert at a local bar, knowing very well that I had to take my boyfriend to get his wisdom teeth out, and was planning on caring for him. When I reminded her of this, she went on a rant about how horrible of a friend I am and telling me I would regret “ditching her for my boyfriend.” We didn’t have real plans for this concert, and this is the one singular time I’ve “bailed” on anyone for my boyfriend, and I hardly consider it bailing, since I had planned on caring for him (he did undergo a medical procedure after all). For 20-30 minutes, she told me to “go have fun with my boy” and that apparently she never mattered to me anyway.

I told her I’d go out for an hour or so, we made plans with our larger group of friends, and she pulled the whole bailing an hour before again. Even though during this same fight, she told me we never go out to see concerts anymore and I would regret it if I don’t go. Additionally, she was supposed to stay until Sunday because this weekend is a huge party weekend, and now she’s stated that she’s only going to come Saturday (though I’m anticipating her bailing again). It’s almost like she wants us to literally beg her to come out.

I know she will eventually tell me she feels as though she has no friends anymore, even though I consider this to be a direct result of her actions.

I don’t know what to do anymore. It is exhausting to go through a process of making plans, setting everything up, having her question whether she could come an hour before, and then eventually attacking me. I guess I’m just looking for some sage advice because frankly, I don’t have the energy to maintain this friendship anymore, yet I’d feel awful for deserting someone who is clearly struggling.

2

I would ask her directly what are the reasons for her behavior. Does she have something going on in her life? Does she need help? You may be able to help her turn this around. I wouldn’t count on it, however. If she reacts defensively or is not open to accepting help, I don’t think you have any obligations to her.

3

That does sound exhausting. You don’t have to “desert” her. Go ahead and keep the door cracked if you like. However the days of you going out of your way, bending over backwards, etc… can be over. Get what I mean? Set some boundaries- well thought out, and stick to them. You will encounter similar dynamics in your life. Good luck and enjoy your final year of college! ???

4

Maybe she’s unhappy with herself because you’re graduating and she’s not. That’s not your issue. Trying to make you feel guilty for taking care of your boyfriend post surgery isn’t the way real friends behave. She seems to enjoy controlling your schedule (getting you to make elaborate plans, clean your apt. for her, etc.) and making you wait for her so she can ditch you at the last minute, then thinks you owe her an explanation for not being free to see her when it’s convenient for her schedule. She can only do that to you if you allow it.

This is emotional blackmail. I’d arrange to be busy every time she proposes getting together. You don’t owe her any explanations for why you’re not available. She’ll either get her act together or she won’t, but you’re not obligated to stick around and accept being treated so horribly.

5

She may be feeling ambivalent about coming back to school. Or she may just feel excited about the plans and then feel like it’s going to take too much energy to drive to you and do them. (I know lots of people whose energy and enthusiasm for plans doesn’t match the idea of actually executing those plans. A few of them suffer from depression or anxiety. I would not rule that out with her history.)

But none of that should impact you any more. If she wants to visit, let her know what you’ll be doing and offer to let her join you. If she wants a place to sleep and you have a sofa to offer, great. It sounds like you should not charge your plans to accommodate the possibility that she’ll show up. That seems like a reasonable boundary since you seem fine seeing her, just not planning around her.

You can tell her you are doing this by saying “I’ve noticed that it’s been hard for you to keep the plans we make earlier in the week, so let’s plan things that can be flexible. We’re going to xyz on Friday, and we can meet you there if you come out.” That way, your plans aren’t disrupted.

If the friendship matters to you much more, you can try to have a conversation about it, explaining that you feel really hurt/used when you reorganize around her and she bails. While I am usually an advocate of this, it sounds like this friend has enough issues right now, especially around the fact that you and your other friends have stayed in school and she has not, that “to keep the door open”, you may want to see what the passage of time brings while you protect yourself with boundaries.

6

I had a friend like this in adulthood. She was compensating for low self esteem, a bad marriage, and lack of direction. She would habitually cancel plans and slowly it was a self fulfilling prophecy because her friends did back away.

I bet this friend is second guessing her decision to drop out and much of the behavior stems from feelings of inadequacy.

Friends should be supportive of each other but they shouldn’t be a substitute for professional counseling, which it sounds like your friend needs.

7

Who initiates these plans? If you, then maybe stop. Or wait until you graduate.
If her, then make plans that would work even if she doesn’t show.
“Yes, let’s meet at the bar and watch that band. I will be in the back.” and then go with other people as well.

8

I can definitely see quite a lot of unhealthy dynamics in the relationship. It might be a good idea to see a counselor on how you can set proper boundaries with your friend.

9

She sounds really jealous and insecure. I definitely recommend either inviting her to group plans as @bopper suggested, or perhaps just leaving the ball in her court. If she wants to spend time with you, let her reach out. It also might help to just express how you’re feeling, if she’s the type of person who responds well to that (although it seems like she may not be). Something as simple as what you just said in the post could work, just a little more gentle. For example, “Hey, I’ve noticed that you’ve been cancelling plans a lot lately. I hope everything is okay with you, but it’s getting a little draining for me. Is there anything we could do to make this easier on both of us?”

10

If you have to ask whether a friendship is toxic, I think it’s probably a good indication that it is.

Big picture: does she add anything to the quality of your life, beyond memories of the good times you had when you were close?

If not, then I would let the friendship slide away.

11

When she says “You’ll regret…” , I read that was a big red flag that something is going on within her. It does sound like low self esteem and problems with decision making. A counselor could help her. If you do make plans for her to visit again, call her the day before, expressing how you are looking forward to her visit. If she then bails a hour before, you have done what you can.

12

Why not have a frank conversation with her, stating what you stated here? You could also email if it’s easier. “Hi Julie, I am worried about what’s been going on…I’m feeling that our relationship is being damaged, and I’d like to help you if I can, but I also don’t feel it’s fair to cancel plans and give me a hard time about seeing my boyfriend. If you want to talk, please call. I understand that maybe things are hard for you, but it’s frustrating to have plans changed at the last minute.”

Frankly, to me she sounds insecure, especially given that she knows there is a plan but constantly asks if it’s still happening. What that really means is “am I still included?”