It's all becoming crystal clear now.....

Parents Forum
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<p>Everyone told me on cc.... and you were right. The boyfriend factor is at the heart of my daughters college decision! Oh boy! How fun this is. She is a rising senior who is very bright and would probally be feverishly planning for her college admissions process this fall/winter except for one thing..............she's in ..........dare I say it..........luuuuuuuuvvvv! Her boyfriend is a graduated senior who will be a freshman attending college this fall. And naturally she wants to follow him to his college. His college in my opinion is a fine one but not one especially well suited to her interests. She is being vague about the whole thing and stalling looking seriously into other schools, but of course I can see right through what she is doing........she wants to follow him.</p>

<p>My concern is that she is young and they are each others first romance .......I think she should leave herself open to remain "friends " with this boy and be open to new people and more importantly to plan her future college plans with her own intersts and goals, ambitions in mind....not compromise her own goals to fit in with a convenient location near his school. Afterall at this age things may not work out between them and then where would she be? But as a mom telling her this is dynamite! It could backfire where the old saying is true .....the surest way to keep a couple together is to forbid them from seeing each other!</p>

<p>Her Ap scores came back a few weeks ago, you know how there is a section where you can request what school astudent would like the score sent to? Guess what school she sent her score to?.................</p>

<p>Don't get me wrong her boyfriend is a wonderful guy. We like him very much. But they are 18 and 17! He will be a college freshman this year in another state, her a H.S. senior here. I foresee a heartbreak ahead.........orrrrrrrr ........two inseperable kids with my D being the one to follow him to his school next year.</p>

<p>She has alot going for her and I can see her slowing down on purpose because his school is not as selective or demanding as the caliber school I know she is capable of being admitted to. She is being very vague about where she wants to apply and it is August! Now I know we technically have a few months( maybe even more if she does not apply EA or ED) before she has to finalize her list.............but the only info she seems sure about is that she wants a good LAC in a city that accentuates the arts and humanities. </p>

<p>Should we be concerned along this timeframe or are we destined to wait out what happens with the boyfriend factor before she gets serious about a college search!( give him a few months ...say Oct-Nov before we see if this is going to last or not?)</p>

<p>Has any other parents experienced this phenomenon?</p>

<p>We continue to gather info and keep abreast of college info ( the viewbooks and applications are stacking up!) We have visited a few colleges and she has ONE match/safety school ( FordhaM University in NYC) lined up along with SUNY'S and private locals as safeties but she is capable of more and she knows it. Of course we will look at colleges that are in close proximity to boyfriends school ( Connecticut College, Fairfield and reaches such as Wesleyan and the coveted Yale as superreach, this one only if she improves her SAT retake)</p>

<p>But in the end it is so frustrating to watch her stall on planning colllege research and preperation because she thinks she has an easy in @ his school.</p>

<p>HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! Parents who have gone through this, any advice????????</p>

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<p>No advice, but an interesting story that, with the passage of time, may be anonymous enough.</p>

<p>I followed the College Confidential students applying ED to my daughter's school this year. Of the eight who applied, seven were accepted ED. The one who was rejected was most familiar with the school because she had a boyfriend there and had spent weekends at the school all year.</p>

<p>She seemed to be a pretty decent applicant. My suspicion is that the admissions office figured out the situation and did the "dirty work" for the girl's parents.</p>

<p>I don't know what I would do in your case, but I would share your concern. I feel so strongly that freshman year romances are such an impediment to making friends and fully integrating into the whole college scene, that I might consider something as extreme as refusing financial support to attend the boyfriend's college -- although I would probably approach as "something we are very concerned about." Whatever the case, I think expressing your reservations sooner rather than later would be the best approach.</p>

<p>The students on the parents orientation panel at my daughters' school all offered the advice that incoming students should avoid boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and, instead, dive headfirst into activities and meeting new people. Freshmen who "get married" tend to hide in their rooms and remove themselves from the larger social scene. My daughter has seen this with several kids on her dorm floor. When the inevitable break-ups occured, it left these kids months behind everyone else in being a part of the group. In fact, all the freshmen students she knows who have struggled and been unhappy have had a freshmen romance as part of the equation.</p>

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<p>Whether BF school is the right/wrong place....wait it out. Many of these relationships are skidso by Holiday season...second semester. You like the boy but he cannot be much more mature than she is....so he will eventually grow tired of avoiding the social scene at college. Remain hopeful.</p>

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<p>luli:</p>

<p>Just as your D is not coming out and declaring her desire to go where the boy goes......you should not talk that option down. Instead, talk continually about keeping all your options open. Apply many places, just cuz you apply does not mean you must go there, but where you think you want to go in November may not be where you choose in May! The boy may not like his school by then, they may break up, lots could happen. Don't close her mind by pointing out what she does not want to hear, but do encourage, request, etc. that she keep her options open.</p>

<p>My D did not have the boyfriend issue stopping her, but she had some possible options back east and she declared she did not want to go anywhere, but one region. Due to a variety of factors we requested she apply and decide in the spring. She was not enthusiastic, but did comply. And did get in to all those palces and did get $. Now, she also got into her #1 choice in her #1 region, that was a done deal, but if that school had not come through (20% chance) then she may very well have picked the last application to be filled out, the one she thought she was least interested in, as it rose to become #2 over time.....especially when they gave $$.</p>

<p>Also, because of a newly discovered passion, out journey was one app a month, as we slowly researched and expanded our list- a rolling app safety with merit $ in October, UCs in Novermber, a super-reach EA in November, an LAC by Jan 1, and a highly ranked far away public in late Jan, after they extended the deadline, and then just for good measure a Canadian school in February. I thought we would never be done with apps!</p>

<p>If you are researching, you can fit it all in.</p>

<p>It would be concerning that you perceive she is not trying her best, remind her she may earn $ from the boy's school if she has awesome marks.</p>

<p>Stay calm, try not to show your stress (panic?) to her, and simply keep her on the road and, most likely, it will all work out in the spring., Do not give up on her and let her simply apply to the boy's school. When my D entered grade 12, of the 100+ people in her class, 5 had relationshiops with older kids who had gone to university. Only 1 is still together, and he attended the local university. The other 4 broke up between October and June! So, maybe they will stay together, maybe not.</p>

<p>good luck! You can always vent to us :D</p>

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<p>Luli,
Here is my two cents worth. Listen to Hazmat and have patience, but...if BF's school accepts common app, encourage DD to use it to apply. Then she can apply to some other schools with little effort.</p>

<p>On some of the college search engines there are links to 'similar schools'. Find them, go to their webpages and request info be mailed to your daughter(especially the ones which accept the common app!). The mail may pique her interest!</p>

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<p>You're all very nice and very patient, unlike my parents who just said no. My sister, a high achiever, wanted to go to the same school as her bf who got a 550 verbal. My dad had a cow. No money would be paid by him at that school. Sister went on an applied anyway, saying she'd take a loan. Luckily he got into college life and broke up with her before applications were do. She's going to Williams, he has a new gf at U Mass Amherst.</p>

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<p>I am glad that my parents rarely say no......they kinda wait for me to come to that conclusion on my own. Try to remember that the developmental task of adolescence is "risk taking" or shall we say decision risking. The learning comes in the decision making the logical consequences of such. Patience and support for her endeavor while still expanding her list....that is good.</p>

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<p>Why am I guessing Trinity based on the "local" schools? :) Or is it a shoreline Connecticut school? (Sorry, I'm from Hartford, butting out now.)</p>

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<p>I wouldn't stop her from applying to the BF's school. However, I would tell her that if the two of them are meant to be together, they should be able to handle the long-distance thing. She should see how this coming school year works out before deciding they can't handle it. I might also say something along the following lines--okay, lets assume that you two are still dating when you start college, but your BF ends up disliking the college he chose. Do you want to put him into the position of having to stick with a college he hates because you are planning to go there too? At least apply to some other colleges, so that if he doesn't want to stay at his college after the first year, you'll have some other options to consider.</p>

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<p>Hazmat writes: "Many of these relationships are skidso by Holiday season...second semester." This is very true. The key now is to work the keep-the-doors-open angle and see what time brings. I think most frosh going to school with a long-distance relationship have broken up in the fall or over xmas break.</p>

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<p>Take a deep breath. You can't control it. You can only influence. If your D feels your panic, you will lose all credibility. Ask your D for her thoughts on what would make the perfect school. Use the PR counsel-o-matic as a start on a selection criteria and check out Carolyn's website (see her profile for address.) Tell her you understand that she would really love to go to the same school, but that you want to make sure that she keeps her options open. Help her find 6-10 other schools where she can see herself.</p>

<p>Do not:
tell her repeatedly that you think she's making a mistake.
criticize the BF's school
"forbid" her decision</p>

<p>I have a similar situation except that my D and her BF are in a long distance relationsheip so finding schools in the same region is an improvement. They are both very focused on finding schools that fit them individually and there are many where they could both thrive. You've got it a bit tougher with the BF already attending.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>You all are too sensitive. I don't see any reason at all that parents, being asked to write substantial checks, should refrain from voicing an opinion.</p>

<p>I usually stated such opinion as, "I'm not saying no, I'm just telling you my concerns and why. How can we work this out?"</p>

<p>It seems to me that the way to "work this situation out" is to agree to apply to BF's school, but also research and apply to her own schools, thus preserving the best possible options. Lord knows, when she breaks up with this guy, the last place she will want to send her deposit check is HIS college. As a young adult, she should be able to appreciate that.</p>

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<p>I have heard this talk before.....and it is the talk of reason.</p>

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<p>We were fortunate in that our son met his GF AFTER he applied to his colleges. I can honestly say that if she had come first, it would have altered where he applied and I doubt we could have changed his mind. He had already decided on two geographical clusters. </p>

<p>As it turns out, not only did she move to another town before fall, but they broke up somewhere around Thanksgiving. In our case, selecting a school to piggy back on a relationship would have backfired--but we would not have been able to convince our son at the time.</p>

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<p>Not talking about it is only a delaying tactic....if you don't confront them in the fall, then you don't put them on the defensive, you merely keep their options open. It is quite possible it will no longer be an issue come April-May, if it is, you betcha, you tell them your thoughts at decision time. It is more a point of choosing battles wisely, if that kid is likely to make it a battle.</p>

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<p>Do you mind sharing the name of bf's college? I wouldn't rule out a good college choice just because the bf happens to be there - but it depends somewhat on the size of the college. The larger the college, the less of a problem. </p>

<p>It also depends somewhat on your d's personality. My daughter is also very much in love - but she is very outgoing and social and her relationship with the bf seems to have opened doors for a whole new set of relationships as she has become friends with all of HIS friends -- she spends a lot of time with his various male friends without him. (Fortunately he's not the jealous type). But the point that a dating relationship is no always insular and confining. </p>

<p>Don't fret about your daughter's vagueness about college choices, as long as she has an idea of the type of college she wants to attend. My daughter is going through lots of changes about colleges right now, too -- and as I remember, my son never really settled on his college list until the end of December (and he didn't even really begin to explore colleges until September). Somehow we managed to get all the apps in on time, and he got accepted to 8 out of 9 colleges that he applied to.</p>

<p>Anyway, my experience is that kids can be conflicted and overwhelmed with the college decision, and often they really don't want to talk about it with their parents. At the same time, they may be talking a lot with peers. It may be that bf's college is the only "for sure" college on her current list, but that doesn't mean her mind isn't open to other alternatives.</p>

<p>Just one word of caution. You wrote: " his school is not as selective or demanding as the caliber school I know she is capable of being admitted to." Please banish the thought that your daughter deserves or ought to attend a certain "caliber" school from your mind -- things have just gotten so competitive that your daughter cannot count on admission to the colleges that fit that picture. That is, in today's admission climate, what you think is a "match" may very well be a "reach". You need to keep in mind the importance of building the college list from the safeties on up. So whatever you do, don't look at bf's school as being beneath your daughter's capability -- if so, you may end up ensuring that's where she attends - because if a college is a reach, you have to act on the assumption that the odds are against getting in. </p>

<p>I hope this makes some sense - I'm acting on the assumption that my daughter will attend one of her safeties. If I didn't want her to be near her bf, and her bf's school was the only safety of the bunch - then I'd be worried. (Fortunately that's not the case). </p>

<p>So of course, as her parent, you would like to see her get into the best college that you think she is capable of attending .... but these days it really makes more sense to focus heavily on safeties during the college search.</p>

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<p>For heaven sakes this girl is applying to Yale, so even if it is Trinity, not a bad college, how can a parent stand by when she can do so much better? Don't you think everyone is going to feel pretty foolish in a year to have done this over a first love?</p>

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<p>Well, then apply to the bf's college as a safety, because you are going to need it. Feeling that you are good enough to apply to Yale and getting accepted are two hugely different things.</p>

<p>Two gf/bf stories:</p>

<p>I asked a VERY smart and accomplished friend of mine what it was that led her to attend Princeton undergrad. She sheepishly admitted that it was to follow a high school boyfriend--romance died freshman year, but she stayed on.</p>

<p>I had a high school bf who was on the way to attending a 2 year college. He seemed SHOCKED that I wouldn't be following him to this school after graduation. "Go to XYZ Junior College? NO WAY!" I said. No more boyfriend. It would not have worked out anyway.</p>

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<p>Well, I was assuming the mom is realistic.OK, OK, next post will be to tell me the daughter has a 1300!</p>

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<p>Here is the original post.
"Of course we will look at colleges that are in close proximity to boyfriends school ( Connecticut College, Fairfield and reaches such as Wesleyan and the coveted Yale as superreach, this on" only if she improves her SAT retake)"</p>

<p>Trinity might be a match or safety, here are their stats, The average score for the Class of 2008 is 1320 on the SAT; the mean ACT score is 27. Wesleyan, which her mom describes as a reach, has an average SAT in the 1400 range.</p>